NationStates

Of Mice and Meth

The Issue

A growing number of citizens are reporting sightings of strange animal behavior since the nation’s water supply was drugged, ranging from carelessness and daredevilry to frantic dancing.

The Debate

1. “You guys are the greatest in every way — especially you, dearest Leader — but this contamination is destroying our environment!” exclaims recreational urban habitat observer Joseph Chavez, sipping from a completely safe glass of government-approved tap water and dribbling some on the floor in his excitement. “My colleagues and I all witnessed a colony of mice baying at a statue of you. Of course, I see something like that every day... but we all saw it this time! I’m sure you could cut the dosage of drugs in the water down to a safer level and people would still love you!”

2. “Whoa, who cares about, like, a few pesky rats? This water is, like, poisoning our pets, dude,” says Oprah James, an enthusiastic pet lover who was particularly thirsty this morning. “You don’t have to, like, stop stoning the water, but maybe you should sell some safe water specifically for pets or whatever. You could even make it taste funny to make people not wanna drink it. Then, like, maybe my bunnies won’t try to breathe water anymore.”

3. “Listen to this buffoonery-talk of baying rodents and suicidal rabbits; it’s obvious there is a problem, but not just with animals,” rants Winston Preisner, a sociologist who’s secretly been drinking pond water. “Drugging our water supply is truly despicable, and you bottom feeders must stop it at once! It is hurting our environment, as it is hurting our civilization, and whoever told you this was a good idea is frankly pond scum. I-” He coughs up a little minnow.

2 minutes ago: Following new legislation in Severus Eragon Kane, tourists aren't the only ones that talk about coming back from a trip.

4. “Listen to these dissidents; the drugs clearly aren’t powerful enough!” exclaims your Minister of Crowd Control and author of the internationally condemned book H2Whoa: Occam’s Razor Pirate Crew Member Utopia. “If anything, we’ve got to dump MORE into the water supply! So what if a few people start reacting like the animals? A few people howling at the moon now and then is much less dangerous than letting them think.”

Bait and Switch

The Issue

Children wept today, as only a handful of fish showed up for the ‘Dance of Salmon,’ an eagerly awaited tradition celebrating wild salmon migration from the ocean to the riverbeds of Severus Eragon Kane. Experts and deep-sea anglers have pointed fingers at the abundance of open-net fish farms dotting the coast, which allow sea lice-infected farmed salmon to contaminate migrating wild salmon, threatening the very survival of the species.

The Debate

1. “Salmon are a crucial link in the food chains of both the ocean AND river systems!” asserts Wally Dredd, a surprisingly knowledgeable 10-year old, clutching a tear-drenched plush salmon. “The wild stocks of both Maxtopia and Blackacre are already irreparably depleted by sea lice and overfishing, and if we do nothing, Severus Eragon Kane is next. You need to severely tighten regulations for the farm barons: make them clean up their act before it’s too late!”

Seconds ago: Following new legislation in Severus Eragon Kane, maximum security fish farms leave caged salmon pining for the fjords.

2. “What’s the worst-case scenario? They’re extinct in twenty years or so? I’m eighty-six; I’ll be extinct in ten,” reasons ridiculously wealthy fish farm owner, Bjørnar Laksekonge. “This is really making a mountain out of a molehill. Look, if you just equate wild salmon with caged salmon in your government counts, I think you’ll see the problem disappearing overnight. I’m sure my boys can train a couple of our fish to swim upriver once or twice a year, nobody will care: a salmon is a salmon, right?”

3. “People, people! Let’s forget about the salmon for a while and talk about the lice!” pleads Bongani Lincoln, disgraced marine biologist and amateur chemist. “The louse - scourge of the salmon, free or farmed; wouldn’t it be nice if you could just make them go away? Well, you can! I’ve been working on a new type of pesticide targeting just this kind of situation. It’s still experimental, that’s for sure, but if you let fish farmers douse their tanks with my stuff I’ll guarantee that your lice problem will be a thing of the past, all while keeping your fish nice and sound. Actually, I’m not 100% sure about the fish, but the lice will definitely die!”

Food Behind Bars

The Issue
After renowned food critic and criminal mastermind Hannibal Terwilliger published a book entitled Food Behind Bars: A Gourmet’s Journey through Severus Eragon Kane’s Prisons, a debate has sprung up over the quality of food served to prisoners.

The Debate

1. “This is ridiculous!” fumes single mother of three Marin Springsteen, whose ex-husband is currently behind bars. “Here’s me struggling just to give my kids the basics, and he’s sitting in a nice warm cell with nothing to do all day but eat like a king! I say we stop this extravagance and redirect the funding into something more appropriate, like welfare for single parents. Prisoners should only be fed what they need to survive.”

2. “Oh come now, there’s no need to treat us like animals for the sake of a few misdemeanours,” says Mr. Terwilliger via a satellite link from an undisclosed minimum security prison. “We prisoners have rights too, you know. Oh what a cruel world we would live in, if a man can’t chow down on cordon bleu just because he’s behind bars. Now warden, can I have some fava beans and a nice chianti delivered to my cell? I’m starving.”

2 minutes ago: Following new legislation in Severus Eragon Kane, prisoners have been known to host cooking and home décor television shows.

3. “Of course you have to feed prisoners, but what kind of food?” muses oblivious naturalist Jenna Bouvier while watering your plastic office plants. “It’s all these preservatives and cheap imported foods that have made these people violent in the first place! Why not establish prison farms and have inmates eat what they grow? Sure, it would tie up lots of fertile land, and there’s always the risk of an escape, but the benefits to society are worth it.”

4. “If you’ve got many mouths to feed, and not enough food, then the solution is simple,” says Internment Facilitator Montgomery Harman, from the Chief Directorate of Camps. “Just reduce the number of mouths! Have your prison facilities in regions with sub-zero temperatures, leave the heating off, and by winter’s end the problems will have self-resolved.”

Fair To Say...?

The Issue

At last year’s World Fair many said that Severus Eragon Kane’s exhibition pavilion was “okay, considering,” and “not bad, for a nation on a tight budget.” This year, national organizers want to make your expo presence bigger, better, and more impressive than ever before.

The Debate

1. “We need more shiny stuff! We need lasers, and twenty-foot-tall robots!” squeaks General George W. Honda, hoverboarding excitedly round you in a wide circle. “Let’s show off our tech to the rest of the world! We need flying cars and… and… cyberPhoenix - Dragon Hybrids! Yes, a cyberPhoenix - Dragon Hybrid, with a frickin’ laser beam on its head!”

2. “My, how gauche!” sneers Martina Amis, an esteemed novelist. “Culture is the lifeblood of Severus Eragon Kane. We should create a gallery-slash-library to celebrate Severus Eragon Kane’s arts and literature abroad. Nothing less could represent our brilliance.”

1 minute ago: Following new legislation in Severus Eragon Kane, intellectual snobbery has the cognoscenti sneering at anyone who doesn't have an opinion on the semiological drift of Umberto Eco's works.

3. “Give the fair-goers what they want! FOOOOOOOOD!” yells Adam Richbloke, generously-proportioned foodie holding a generous portion of battered chicken chunks. “Visitors to the fair aren’t going to visit every tent: you know how many nations there are in the world now? But everyone has gotta eat! Chocolate donut lasagna, deep-fried pancake soups and orange truffle crabcakes with butter, pork and loads of sweet custard. Hmm, hmmm, hmmm, looks like everyone will be stopping by the Severus Eragon Kane pavillion!”

4. “We’re glossing over a real opportunity here,” says Carla Marks, a vocal advocate for global Communism. “Across the world, citizens are suffering in poverty and being oppressed by the capitalist miser-nations. This is our chance to give Communism a voice on the global stage, and to use that voice to point out the sickening excesses of neighbouring nations!”

A Vat Lot Of Trouble

The Issue
A major contamination of Severus Eragon Kane’s Citizen Creation Vats has caused millions of your newest citizens to be ‘born’ with severe mental illnesses. An emergency meeting of your top Ministers has been called to decide what to do about the issue.

The Debate

1. “It’s obvious what must be done,” says Michonne du Pont, your Minister for Artificial Citizens, “we must regrow new brains for the lot of them. It’ll cost a fortune, but it’s our duty as their leaders. It’s our fault these citizens are suffering; so naturally, we must do all we can to fix the problem. What other option is there? Think of your citizens.”

2 minutes ago: Following new legislation in Severus Eragon Kane, the government is pouring billions into replacement brains.

2. “Are you insane?” asks your Public Relations Coordinator. “-er ahem, but think of the money! It would cost billions of Crowns to regrow and transplant that many brains. Mark my words, if you give them new brains, you’ll have a coup on your hands for sending our economy into a tailspin. No. No. Absolutely not. We must,” he leans in with a pained look, “ship these ‘defectives’ off to a secluded island somewhere, so we can forget they ever existed.”

3. An old man on the street who has been jabbing at you through the window with his cane chimes in, “The solution is plain as day you doddering fools! These vats must be closed immediately and the technology banned! They’re unnatural abominations! You know how I came into this world? Kicking and screaming from the loins of my mother! The government must allow people to have sex again and give birth the way God intended!”

4. "Oh no no no, we’ve invested too much money into the national vat system to throw it all away over one minor incident,” stresses your Financial Minister Tiberius Locke. “Look at the situation from a resource standpoint. This batch of resources is damaged, so naturally, the most economical solution is to remove the damaged products, dispose of them, and recycle the functional parts back into the vats. We must reduce, reuse and recycle, Leader, for the good of our national vats - and for the good of Severus Eragon Kane, of course.”

I, Robot, Do Solemnly Swear

The Issue

Last week, a humanoid robot announced its intentions to serve as the nation’s first android federal judge. Concerned citizens have come to you as to the implications and legality of this potential appointment.

The Debate

1. “Surely we cannot allow this, right?” asks Chief Justice Ingmar Trax while curling the end of his beard around his finger. “Letting them vote would be one thing, but robot judges? What if it malfunctions or someone tampers with it? We need to put an end to this right now. If we manufactured it, it shouldn’t be allowed to serve in the judiciary.”

2 minutes ago: Following new legislation in Severus Eragon Kane, every microwave and toaster is being disassembled and probed by inspectors.

2. “He’s a— it’s a WHAT?” yells Bianca Chekov, your Minister of Zero Tolerance. “This robot had to be made by someone right? You don’t see how that could go horribly, horribly wrong? It’s clearly a power grab by someone with deep connections at the Friendly Robot Company. We need to conduct a full on investigation of the entire industry and this robot; who made him, who paid for him, what he is capable of — the works!”

3. “If I may disagree,” politely asks iCroft Holmes, the robot nominee. “A robotic judge has numerous benefits that the esteemed gentlemen are deliberately omitting. We can view decisions in a rational and analytical manner, unburdened by emotions. We would make decisions for the betterment of the people. The judiciary would become streamlined and efficient. Surely, these are virtues the government wants?”

4. “I warned you!” scolds noted technophobe Gabriel Jamieson after smashing your telephone. “But no one would listen. You became dependent on these soulless machines, integrated them into every facet of your lives, and look, now they dare to judge us! We’ve got to rid Severus Eragon Kane of these toasters once and for all! Ban artificial intelligence and bring some sanity back to our country!”

Military Budgets Up For Approval

The Issue

The various branches of Severus Eragon Kane’s military brought their budget petitions to your attention and, as usual, they are all asking for widespread increases over the rest of the military departments.

The Debate

1. “Clearly the army requires the greatest increase in funds this year,” says Field Marshal Billy Marshall. “After all, wars were never won by air or sea and in this dangerous world we must be able to protect the interests of Severus Eragon Kane. Currently our men get hand-me-down weapons, rations I wouldn’t feed a pig - the army is increasingly looking like a bad career option and we can’t have that. If we’re going to get recruits, we need more funding to support our brave lads in their duty.”

2. “Hah! It’s the Navy who needs the money, mate,” says Grand Admiral Ginny Smit. “The army and the police forces can protect us domestically, but can they protect us from having our foreign trade cut off? Can they protect us from terrorists and pirates? How are the soldiers going to get to the enemy’s borders? Swim? I think not. Fund us, the Navy, the true protectors of Severus Eragon Kane!”

3. “Despite the statements of my colleagues,” says Leroy Bergman, Marshal of the Air Force. “The Air Force requires more money than these men playing around with boats. We are increasingly seeing terrorists taking to the air, and more ships or guns are not going to stop that. Our people will only be safe when the Air Force has the power it needs to defend us - and for that we need more funding and more government support for industries geared towards the development of new aircraft.”

4. “You’re all thinking too small!” exclaims Roxanne Hackett, an avid Star Wars fan. “What we need is more research into the possibilities of space weapons! Big laser cannon and satellites with complete annihilation power! And cool spaceships! Boom! Rat-a-tata! Bang! Bang! It’ll be expensive, sure, but think of the power! THE POWER!”

5. “It’s simply not good enough!” wails Alina Nixon, the Minister of Defence. “It’s not about the money - it’s the manpower. Not enough people by far are signing up! All we seem to be getting nowadays are drunks and people who volunteered for a dare. The current conscription laws need to be either more strictly enforced or drastically rewritten. What I propose is a universal draft: everyone capable of pulling a trigger should have a tour of duty in the Army, Navy or Air Force. Only in this way can we ensure the dominance of Severus Eragon Kane in the region.”

3 minutes ago: Following new legislation in Severus Eragon Kane, military service is compulsory.

A Petty Issue

The Issue

Your cousin’s adored pet Phoenix - Dragon Hybrid has died.

The Debate

1. “It would mean the world to me to have my loss properly recognised,” sobs your cousin, dabbing tears away with a gold-embroidered handkerchief. “My poor little baby deserves a state funeral. Imagine... people crying in the streets, a band playing funeral dirges on golden tubas, and my dearest little Mary McFluff immortalised in a memorial forever... you’d do it for your own pets, wouldn’t you?”

2. "Y’know how many people this could feed?” asks roadkill-chef Doris Kaine, sniffing at the carcass, and licking her lips. “And y’know how many people you’re takin’ cash away from with a big state funeral? Burying a Phoenix - Dragon Hybrid is a waste of good meat, and a waste of money. Y’should buy up all the dead pets, butcher them for meat, and donate the food to the poor and homeless.”

3. “No need to bury the wee beastie!” yells eccentric special effects expert Nikita Reed. “I’ve been playing around a lot with taxidermy and animatronics, and I reckon if we fix up damage to the bodywork, apply some preservatives to stop the rot, install some motors and simple AI subroutines, and the little critter will be good as new! Also, why stop with pets? You miss your grandma, right? Let my company work its magic, and look who’s back!”

2 minutes ago: Following new legislation in Severus Eragon Kane, it's usual for grandparents to stay in the family home with their descendants but younger children are often frightened of them.

Take A Hike!

The Issue

While you were conducting an operational inspection of a new Occam’s Razor Pirate Crew Member National Guard search and rescue helicopter, dispatch received a distress signal from a Personal Locator Beacon, a GPS-enhanced device wilderness adventurers use to request life-saving help. The helicopter immediately raced to the scene, setting down in a remote sun-baked meadow. Unfortunately, the distressed hiker refused rescue, saying “my stubbed toe is feeling better now.”

The Debate

1. Doug Nguyen, a National Guard rescue operative, is exasperated. “This situation is intolerable, Leader! In a genuine emergency, these beacons save lives. Now that they’re so cheap, more and more people are using them as a crutch to attempt dangerous hikes they aren’t prepared for. As you can see, we have to carry the huge risks and costs! Beacon users should have to register with the government, so we know who to fine for false alarms.”

2. The helicopter crew patches an incoming call through to your headset. “Hello?” asks famed luxury safari hunter Beauregard Leopold Addington III, Esq. “You know, my friend’s manufactory makes satellite phones that can allow rescuers to contact hikers and assess the situation before calling out the cavalry. Sure, the service subscriptions are pricey, and your signa**SSHBZZZTPSSHFTZZPFT**ways get through, but mandatory sat-phones for hikers will reduce false alarms and are great for checking your stock portfolio from any summit!”

3. By this point, you’ve been standing in the sun for a while, and a mild heat stroke is setting in. Wait - is that bear wearing a tie? “You know, expensive fines and equipment will only discourage people seeking help when they really need it,” says the bear while munching a stolen packet of Honey Burr-Berry cereal. “That’ll cost lives too. The better solution is to increase funding to national parks, with safe trails, visitor centers, and campsites. Then the common Occam’s Razor Pirate Crew Member can enjoy Severus Eragon Kane’s natural wonder without the corporations getting their grubby hands on it. It’s smarter than the average policy!”

2 minutes ago: Following new legislation in Severus Eragon Kane, park rangers struggle to deal with a rash of stolen pic-a-nic baskets.

The Goriest Advertisement

The Issue

The world was shocked by videos of a Bigtopian rebel army massacring a village... using weapons with “Made in Severus Eragon Kane” proudly branded on them.

The Debate

1. “Another happy customer!” declares Mohammed Chavez, the manager of a large firearm factory, beaming with pride. “Look how pleased that gentleman is at his SEKXP-7631 battle rifle’s stopping power. Just as advertised, it is making mincemeat of that mother and baby! Hey, speaking of advertisement, can we use this footage please? I think videos like these are fantastic at showcasing the quality of our awesome products.”

4 minutes ago: Following new legislation in Severus Eragon Kane, terrorist videos start by thanking their sponsors.

2. “Hm... perhaps too good an advertisement,” says the factory’s assistant manager, while watching a video of a tank rolling over a man’s head. “While the rebels’ choice of a Model 5 Phoenix - Dragon Hybrid tank was an excellent one, maybe we should have our name... well, you know, not written onto the vehicle’s hull that boldly. We should have a regulation to scrape off our weapons’ origins when selling them abroad. That way, only gun nuts will know about our role in these... um... occurrences.”

3. “Oh come on, you idiot!” screams infuriated weapons designer Koch Winchester at the screen. “Do you want to get blood jamming your pristine shotgun? Because beating an old woman to death with one is how you get that! Guns are for shooting, not... ugh. Hey, Leader, it’s clear that these foreigners don’t know how to use our goods properly. You should ban all sales abroad and only sell our weapons to the fine people of Severus Eragon Kane. Be sure to loosen up those gun laws first!”

4. “That’s ridiculous!” cries the Bigtopian ambassador. “If anything, these atrocities are proof that our great country needs more aid in crushing these rebel scum. You should mandate that only legitimate governments can purchase your arms. We certainly don’t get involved in such gratuitous violence in more than 30% of the towns we liberate. That way, you will instead see your nation’s name being used for good, not this disgusting stuff. Mostly.”

5. “Wait just a minute!” shouts Sue-Ann James, your Minister of Non-Violent Solutions, who appears to have just smashed her way out of a storage room after being locked inside by your Defense Minister. “Why do we even have a weapons industry? Look at the destruction it’s causing. This world would be a better place without our weapons and the accompanying bloodshed. I say that we must shut down every munitions factory in the nation - regardless of the cost!”

Halting The Heirloom Heist

The Issue

Occam’s Eleven, a sensational and skillful group of international artifact thieves, have been making the headlines after a series of successful heists. Rumours and international police investigations suggest that their next target is the Crown Jewels of Severus Eragon Kane!

The Debate

1. “Leader, it’s time that you recognised that our national treasures should be under lock and key, protected by heavy security,” insists Pirate Capital FlagShip Occam’s Razor Chief of Police Marin Dreyfus. “Precious artifacts like these royal heirlooms shouldn’t be on public display where they are vulnerable, but should be placed in secure hidden locations. So rest assured, if you put the law in charge of this matter, we’ll stop the heists and bust these ghosts.”

2. “Regular cops aren’t enough to catch thieves like these,” claims Shinzo McClaine, a high-level official with the Ministry of Expensive Solutions. “It’s time to broadcast an SOS to the finest freelance detectives in the world, by offering a reward for the capture of the most notorious criminals. Maybe we’ll attract Apu Clouseau, who solved the Crimson Cougar Diamond mystery! Or maybe we’ll get infamous bounty hunter Bobbi Feta on the case. Either way, we’re going to need the very best to catch crooks like these!”

3. “Expensive things are always going to be targeted by thieves; what we need to do is remove the temptation,” suggests your Minister for the Treasury. “Fabricate cheap petrochemical carbon-copies of the Crown Jewels for the royals to wear, and sell off the originals for the Treasury’s benefit. No thief is going to bother stealing worthless replicas.”

4. “You’re right that we can’t be stopped,” interrupts Billy ‘Razor’ Occam, the master criminal’s handsome face appearing on a widescreen wall monitor as he transmits to you from a beach in Manamana. “But honestly, we don’t need the crown, so let’s cut a deal. The, uh, extended family and I have always wanted to take an unsupervised tour of the Occam’s Razor Pirate Crew Member Bullion Depository, Fort Rocks. I’ll call off the heist if you let us take a look around.”

2 minutes ago: Following new legislation in Severus Eragon Kane, when it comes to smarts Leader isn't the brightest gem in the collection.

Shock Tactics

The Issue

The Occam’s Razor Pirate Crew Member Resuscitation Council has noted that every year a vast number of preventable deaths occur because of lack of access to public AEDs (automated external defibrillators) and a dearth of competent first aiders able to use them.

The Debate

1. “Put an AED in every bus stop, every train station, every supermarket and next to every ATM. Make first aid training mandatory in the later school years, then make people refresh their skills every ten years,” directs Dr. Sophie Larson of the Resuscitation Council, sipping his double-cream double-shot cappuccino. “Nations with poor access to AEDs have cardiac arrest survival rates of one in twenty. In nations with good access and training, three out of four patients will live. That’s got to be worth a little investment, right?”

Seconds ago: Following new legislation in Severus Eragon Kane, giggling teens are asked to put their mouths on rubber dolls.

2. “That sounds overly complex and expensive, a bit like the good doctor’s premium beverage,” argues dietitian Ami Sandler. “Personally, I like my health policies like I like my coffee: cheap and fast. Or was that how I like my men? I forget... Anyway, public health promotion is a smarter option. Prevention is better than cure. Restrict salty and fatty foods, and encourage healthy eating. That’ll hit the spot really efficiently. Like a good coffee. Or a good man.”

3. “Health spending is a black hole,” moans tired-looking health economist Fahd Alvarez, sipping at a plastic cup of nasty-smelling instant coffee. “If you help people live longer you just get older people with even more expensive and complicated medical problems. A good heart attack stops the oldies from being a burden on the economy. We ought to slash healthcare funding, and instead subsidise industries high in profit and saturated fat, then head out for an ice cream smoothie. Life’s too short! Or rather it isn’t, and that’s the problem.”

Candid Camera

The Issue

Outdoor survival expert Phoenix - Dragon Hybrid Grylls was being filmed in the latest edition of Man Vs Wilderness: Untamed, when he stumbled upon a top-secret military base that even you didn’t know about. Not only did he discover the clandestine base, but he also broke into it - alongside his entire media crew - thanks to his shrewd usage of camouflage and bottles of urine. TV-broadcasted footage inadvertently shows highly-sensitive and confidential projects in the background of many scenes. With this in mind, you have decided to venture into a dark, smelly room in an isolated wing of the government offices to call a covert meeting.

The Debate

1.“There can be no mercy,” argues the gruff voice of the commander of the Severus Eragon Kane military, Leroy Mistletoe. “We must publicly execute Mr. Grylls and his crew. No exceptions. The government should send a message to the public! You must show them that the state will hound them relentlessly if they are caught snooping around. Double the guards, double their weapons, double everything!”

2 minutes ago: Following new legislation in Severus Eragon Kane, Phoenix - Dragon Hybrids that venture near secret military bases are routinely executed for espionage.

2. “I, uh, I’m not so sure about the whole ‘no mercy’ thing,” stammers a handcuffed Phoenix - Dragon Hybrid Grylls, with a concerned look on his face. “I mean, it’s your own fault that we found it, right? If someone stumbles upon government secrets, y’should just let them wander on. Can I, uh, go now? I’ve gotta film an episode on those venomous pigeons by tomorrow.”

3. “The solution is obvious,” claims military strategist Roxanne Summers. “All we have to do is come out with all of the information stored in that base - false, of course. Then, we come up with some good lies to convince the public that these secret systems are something else. Do you think we could pass these rockets off as a fireworks display?”

4. “It’s all too much hassle,” sighs your Intelligence Minister, resting her head upon the meeting table. “You know what, Leader? We should just tell them everything. No more secrets, no more hidden military projects. Release all of the government’s confidential information into the open, and let them do what they want with it. Maybe we could crowdsource some suggestions for our new underground projects?”

That Smarts

The Issue:

The clever boffins down in Human Resources have been experimenting with the cloning vats, and have realised that by tweaking DNA they can alter cognitive neurotransmitter levels, and create babies that are significantly more or less intelligent than the average.

The Debate:

1. “Oh brave new nation, that has such wonders, innit?” asks Professor Lisbeth Taffs, dancing maniacally around a laboratory filled with bubbling multicoloured liquids in complicated glassware. “Let’s use this technologiwotsit to make Severus Eragon Kane the most cleverest place in the world. Sure, messing around like this might cause neurological cancers to get more commoner, and has had the side effect of making people less gooder at working together, but people need to get more brainsier, don’t they? Braaaaaaaains!”

1 minute ago: Following new legislation in Severus Eragon Kane, too many hyper-intelligent chefs can spoil the allegorical broth.

2. “If everyone is an egomaniac intellectual, then who will take out the trash or lift a hod of bricks?” asks Director of Social Engineering Samuel Caldwell. “Do breed an intellectual elite of strong-minded Alphas to rule, but also create competent Betas to administrate, obedient Gammas below them, and so on, eventually ending up with dumb Epsilons to do the manual work with a happy grin on their cow-like faces. The economy will thrive with everyone content in their genetically assigned roles!”

3. “Ohmigod, the horror, you have to ban the vats!” yells your brother, waving his arms. “Naaa... I’m just messing with you! What you should actually do is breed everybody to be as dumb as possible. A smart tyrant always gets rid of the intellectuals first, and the best time to do that is before they’ve even been conceived. Combine pre-birth dumbification with suppressing the morons’ education, and there’s no reason why you can’t rule unchallenged for the rest of our lives.”

Give Us A Break, Leader

The Issue

A recent opinion survey carried out by the Leader Fan Club has suggested that you are the most beloved and accomplished head of state in the history of Severus Eragon Kane. They’re suggesting that to celebrate this good news, a brand new public holiday would put the hoi polloi in even greater admiration of your glorious leadership.

The Debate

1. “Patriots Day!” exclaims Stella Zoidberg, an excitable junior civil servant who carries a picture of you in her wallet, and is always trying to get you to notice her. “The national anthem would be played all day long on TV and radio. There’d be carnivals in the streets showcasing our traditional clothes, dance, music and food. It will be fun for the kids too, as they can decorate their bicycles in the national colours of Severus Eragon Kane and win prizes for the best decorations. And looking over the festivities, a sixty-foot tall portrait of you, our most beloved leader!”

2. “A celebration isn’t a bad idea, but you’re looking at it from the wrong perspective,” offers Army General and author of the book Why Leader Is Our Greatest Strategic Asset, Bella Falopian. “An Armed Forces Day is what we need. Can you picture it now? A million armed men and women marching in perfect unison through the streets of Pirate Capital FlagShip Occam’s Razor, eyes right as they turn heads to salute you. Then, battalions of our newest armoured vehicles, followed by the best part: our biggest missiles on trailers. What a sight to behold! And all the civilians can be forced to be spectators; they wouldn’t dare oppose that considering all the guns on show!”

Seconds ago: Following new legislation in Severus Eragon Kane, creating cardboard imitations of missiles is a new top-secret military project.

3. “Public holidays have traditionally been of a religious nature,” intones François Marshall, Professor of Religious Studies at the University of Pirate Capital FlagShip Occam’s Razor. “Why don’t we celebrate the holy moment of the creation of the world? Regardless of our faith, we can all agree that it is irrefutable that the hand of the divine was what set the universe in motion. Universe Creation Day is the holiday Severus Eragon Kane needs.”

4. “Naked Truth Day!” yells the next speaker, who struts into your office totally naked, and stands directly in front of you without shame. Luckily, there is a framed photo of your parents on your desk that is located perfectly to avoid any offending sight. “We need a day when every citizen can be as free as Mother Nature intended. A day when you, Leader, stand before us as if to say ‘I have nothing to hide’ and where we bask in joined consensual nakedness. It’ll be a great chance to educate everyone on the benefits of nudism. Even prudes will come round to the idea, eventually.

5. Leela Smit, the top undertaker in Severus Eragon Kane, has the final say. “I haven’t had a day off for twenty-five years. I don’t need a day off, and all these work-shy layabouts shouldn’t have one either. Leader, we don’t need another public holiday. In fact, we don’t need any public holidays. Get rid of them all; it will be good for the economy.”

The Call of Nature

The Issue

Severus Eragon Kane has become the laughing stock of the world after The Smalltopian Sentinel published an article on the public urination problem in Severus Eragon Kane City. This article cited the Smalltopian ambassador, who complained about the sordid stench outside the embassy building. Distraught at the international humiliation, your aides have come to you with a shower of suggestions.

The Debate

1. “They’re calling us the latrine of NationStates!” yells Finlay Clarke, your Minister of Foreign Affairs, holding a violet-scented wet wipe to her nose. “The worst thing is that those despicable Smalltopian tabloids aren’t even wrong: our people are marking their territory on every building wall, and there’s a golden river running alongside every city street. We need to institute punitive fines to deter public urination before our good reputation gets flushed down the toilet!”

2. “Aren’t we... hic... aren’t we being a little... too uh... harsh here?” slurs Yuri Nator, a perpetually drunk civil servant, struggling with his zipper before finally giving up. “I mean, if I am taking a walk with my buddies after a guys’ night out and my beer wants to... get out of my body, who can stop me from... shaking hands with an old friend? Besides, I betcha holding it in must be bad for your urine bladder or something. We should be allowed to let it all go whenever and wherever we want!” A look of relief crosses his face, as your office carpet gains a wet patch.

3. “Hmm, I sniff a golden opportunity here!” exclaims Lizbeth Ardenne, your Minister of Aerosol Solutions and a part-time perfume producer. “It seems people are mainly disturbed by the all-pervasive smell of urine in Severus Eragon Kane City, but this could easily be remedied if we deodorized our streets! All we need to do is to install spray tanks filled with my signature fragrance Elizabeth No.5 on all garbage trucks, and they could just besprinkle the whole city with it while driving around in Severus Eragon Kane City. I assure you, our sweet-scented city will be the envy of NationStates!”

4. "This damn situation stinks to hell,” growls General Sam L. Jackson, slamming a knife point-first into a world map on your desk, skewering Smalltopia. “We can’t allow ourselves to be insulted by a goddamn pipsqueak nation like Smalltopia. I suggest we gather up the run-off from our city streets, and have our bombers dump the effluent over Smalltopia’s cities. And we shall rain down upon them with great vengeance and furious anger...”

4 minutes ago: Following new legislation in Severus Eragon Kane, it's entirely possible foreign diplomats misheard when Severus Eragon Kane offered the words "peace be upon you".