by Max Barry

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Most Advanced Defense Forces: 230th Most Devout: 356th Most Ignorant Citizens: 399th
The Holy Pink Morons of
Psychotic Dictatorship
All Hail The Magic Conch
The Magic Conch
Civil Rights
Political Freedom

Overview Factbook Dispatches Policies People Government Economy Rank Trend Deck


Population5.109 billion

CapitalShell City
LeaderThe Magic Conch


The Holy Pink Morons of PatrickStar is a colossal, orderly nation, ruled by The Magic Conch with an iron fist, and renowned for its complete lack of prisons, strictly enforced bedtime, and avowedly heterosexual populace. The hard-nosed, cynical, humorless, devout population of 5.109 billion Patrick are ruled without fear or favor by a psychotic dictator, who outlaws just about everything and refers to the populace as "my little playthings."

The enormous, corrupt, moralistic, well-organized government is dominated by the Department of Defense, with Spirituality also on the agenda, while Social Policy and Welfare aren't funded at all. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Shell City. The average income tax rate is 93.8%.

The Patrick economy, worth 835 trillion Patricks a year, is driven entirely by a combination of government and state-owned industry, with private enterprise illegal. However, for those in the know, there is an enormous, deeply entrenched, highly specialized black market in Arms Manufacturing, Uranium Mining, and Woodchip Exports. The private sector mostly consists of enterprising ten-year-olds selling lemonade on the sidewalk, but the government is looking at stamping this out. Average income is an impressive 163,617 Patricks, and evenly distributed, with the richest citizens earning only 3.1 times as much as the poorest.

The bayonet is cutting-edge technology, sushi is sold on the black market, citizens are barcoded to keep track of their movements, and peace talks occasionally rack up a higher body count than the wars they seek to stop. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to a capable police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. PatrickStar's national animal is the Patrick, which teeters on the brink of extinction due to widespread deforestation, and its national religion is Conchism.

PatrickStar is ranked 144,685th in the world and 136th in Texas for Largest Basket Weaving Sector, scoring -7.56 on the Hickory Productivity Index.

Most Advanced Defense Forces: 230thMost Devout: 356thMost Ignorant Citizens: 399thLargest Black Market: 749thMost Corrupt Governments: 873rdLargest Arms Manufacturing Sector: 1,021stMost Primitive: 1,556thTop
Most Politically Apathetic Citizens: 1,583rdHighest Unexpected Death Rate: 1,664thLargest Mining Sector: 2,054thLargest Manufacturing Sector: 2,204thMost Avoided: 3,283rdMost Conservative: 4,480thLowest Crime Rates: 5,162ndMost Authoritarian: 5,293rdHighest Average Tax Rates: 5,666thLargest Governments: 6,399thMost Influential: 7,436thMost World Assembly Endorsements: 7,628thTop
Highest Average Incomes: 9,887thMost Extreme: 11,303rdHighest Poor Incomes: 11,831stMost Subsidized Industry: 14,504thHighest Economic Output: 15,080th
Most Ignorant Citizens: 1st in the regionTop
Most Advanced Defense Forces: 2nd in the regionMost Devout: 2nd in the regionMost Conservative: 2nd in the regionMost Primitive: 3rd in the regionLargest Black Market: 3rd in the regionMost Authoritarian: 3rd in the regionMost Corrupt Governments: 4th in the regionLargest Arms Manufacturing Sector: 6th in the regionMost Extreme: 6th in the regionTop
Highest Average Tax Rates: 8th in the regionHighest Unexpected Death Rate: 8th in the regionLargest Manufacturing Sector: 10th in the regionLowest Crime Rates: 11th in the regionLargest Governments: 12th in the regionMost Politically Apathetic Citizens: 12th in the regionLargest Mining Sector: 12th in the regionMost Avoided: 15th in the region

National Happenings

Most Recent Government Activity:


World Assembly

Endorsements Received: 8 » NewTexas, Greater United Texas, Lichian, Tishanda, Lewisville Texas, Studly Penguins, Darth Kermit, and Safj.

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