by Max Barry

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Most Advanced Defense Forces: 180th Most Devout: 337th Most Ignorant Citizens: 408th
The Holy Pink Morons of
Iron Fist Consumerists
All Hail The Magic Conch
The Magic Conch
Civil Rights
Political Freedom

Overview Factbook Dispatches Policies People Government Economy Rank Trend Deck


Population4.763 billion

CapitalShell City
LeaderThe Magic Conch


The Holy Pink Morons of PatrickStar is a massive, orderly nation, ruled by The Magic Conch with an iron fist, and notable for its deadly medical pandemics, complete lack of prisons, and state-planned economy. The hard-nosed, cynical, humorless, devout population of 4.763 billion Patrick are kept under strict control by the oppressive government, which measures its success by the nation's GDP and refers to individual citizens as "human resources."

The enormous, corrupt, moralistic, well-organized government is dominated by the Department of Defense, although Spirituality is also considered important, while Social Policy and Welfare aren't funded at all. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Shell City. The average income tax rate is 93.7%.

The Patrick economy, worth 814 trillion Patricks a year, is driven entirely by a combination of government and state-owned industry, with private enterprise illegal. However, for those in the know, there is an enormous, deeply entrenched, highly specialized black market in Arms Manufacturing, Uranium Mining, and Woodchip Exports. The private sector mostly consists of enterprising ten-year-olds selling lemonade on the sidewalk, but the government is looking at stamping this out. Average income is an impressive 171,062 Patricks, and evenly distributed, with the richest citizens earning only 3.3 times as much as the poorest.

The bayonet is cutting-edge technology, sushi is sold on the black market, citizens are barcoded to keep track of their movements, and peace talks occasionally rack up a higher body count than the wars they seek to stop. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to a capable police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. PatrickStar's national animal is the Patrick, which teeters on the brink of extinction due to widespread deforestation, and its national religion is Conchism.

PatrickStar is ranked 183,457th in the world and 189th in Texas for Most Extensive Civil Rights, with 4.93 Martin Luther King, Jr. Units.

Most Advanced Defense Forces: 180thMost Devout: 337thMost Ignorant Citizens: 408thLargest Black Market: 750thMost Corrupt Governments: 853rdLargest Arms Manufacturing Sector: 869thMost Politically Apathetic Citizens: 1,613thMost Primitive: 1,676thHighest Unexpected Death Rate: 1,677thTop
Largest Manufacturing Sector: 1,947thLargest Mining Sector: 1,983rdMost Avoided: 3,246thMost Conservative: 4,673rdLowest Crime Rates: 5,215thHighest Average Tax Rates: 5,855thLargest Governments: 6,526thMost Authoritarian: 7,068thMost World Assembly Endorsements: 7,162ndMost Influential: 8,133rdHighest Average Incomes: 8,720thTop
Highest Poor Incomes: 11,615thMost Subsidized Industry: 13,781stMost Extreme: 14,855thHighest Economic Output: 15,225thMost Advanced Law Enforcement: 17,079th
Most Ignorant Citizens: 1st in the regionTop
Most Devout: 2nd in the regionMost Conservative: 2nd in the regionMost Advanced Defense Forces: 2nd in the regionMost Primitive: 2nd in the regionMost Corrupt Governments: 4th in the regionLargest Black Market: 4th in the regionMost Authoritarian: 5th in the regionLargest Arms Manufacturing Sector: 7th in the regionTop
Highest Unexpected Death Rate: 11th in the regionMost Extreme: 12th in the regionLargest Manufacturing Sector: 12th in the regionHighest Average Tax Rates: 12th in the regionLargest Mining Sector: 13th in the regionLowest Crime Rates: 13th in the regionMost Avoided: 15th in the regionMost Politically Apathetic Citizens: 15th in the regionLargest Governments: 16th in the region

National Happenings

Most Recent Government Activity:

  • : PatrickStar voted for the World Assembly Resolution "Liberate The conservative christians".
  • : Following new legislation in PatrickStar, peace talks occasionally rack up a higher body count than the wars they seek to stop.
  • : Following new legislation in PatrickStar, citizens are barcoded to keep track of their movements.
  • : Following new legislation in PatrickStar, sushi is sold on the black market.
  • : Following new legislation in PatrickStar, the bayonet is cutting-edge technology.
  • : PatrickStar was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Highest Average Incomes.
  • : Following new legislation in PatrickStar, a typical peasant's life cycle leads from birth to the gallows.
  • : Following new legislation in PatrickStar, artists regularly face criminal charges and art-burning parties are common.
  • : Following new legislation in PatrickStar, just as students finish their homework it's time for school.
  • : Following new legislation in PatrickStar, cops with assault weaponry are forcing their way into private homes to search for terrorists.


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