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Ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee.

April 1st, 2015
Issue IV. Have ya heard?

Index
I. We are not Nice!
II. Spotlight News
III. Ask Fredd!
IV. Hell's Password
V. Artwork of the Damned
VI. 13 REASONS WHY THE CATHOLIC CHURCH IS RIGHT AND I AM CONVERTING.........

We are not Nice!
Article by, Buer the demon AKA Dr george

Denizens of Hell and other Hell-like regions generally do not want to be nice or Nice, the WA ranking. How do you decrease your score for the Nice ranking? It seems to me that there two, somewhat intertwined routes: Be Libertarian (subdivided into high freedom and smaller government options) or Be Evil.

High Freedom

Look for issues that allow you to do unpopular things at the expense of supposed moral decency, including:
 Supporting abortion rights;
 Supporting euthanasia;
 Supporting cannibalism;
 Supporting blood sports;
 Supporting the right to burn anything and everything;
 Supporting atheism and alienating religion;
 Supporting social inequality through allowing the wealthy to marginalize the poor or encouraging a social class system;
 Allowing the death penalty;
 Allowing your citizens to carry concealed weapons;
 Allowing “Stand Your Ground” kinds of legislation, not limited to literally standing up to someone in a confrontation, but also things like road rage and noise;
 Allowing or forcing people to become or stay parents;
 Allowing genetic engineering; and many others.
 
Smaller Government

The key word here is “privatize.” Businesses performing the functions of government inherently victimize the poor, whereas governmental oversight tends to be universally applicable. Whenever possible, unravel the social safety net. Do things like:
• Privatize prisons;
• Privatize roads;
• Privatize the Post Office;
• Privatize the government;
• Privatize beaches;
• Privatize the military;
• Privatize the Fire Department
• Privatize dying symphonies;
• Cut taxes across the board;
• Cut taxes regressively (hit the poor harder than the rich, or enable the rich) such as abolishing inheritance tax;
• Cut the budget for health, welfare, and education; and much more
 
Evil

If you are reading this, odds are you know a lot about evil already, but at the risk of preaching to the choir:
 Have public floggings;
 Have excessive prison sentences for minor offenses, like graffiti;
 Expand the number of crimes qualifying for the death penalty;
 Execute people for violent crime and give their possessions to the victim’s family;
 Limit education, health & welfare, etc., to the rich;
 Deny retirement benefits;
 Practice Social Darwinism in things like letting depressed people commit suicide;
 Poison the environment, though industrial waste or pesticides like DDT;
 Take newborns from their parents;
 Disrespect the bodies and burials of the dead;
 Mandate blood contributions for genetic profiling;
 Breach privacy by monitoring communications; and many more.

These are, to varying degrees, low freedom options. If you combine these with the above high freedom options, it is conceivable you could end up somewhere towards the middle, perhaps as an Inoffensive Centrist Democracy, although I note that most not Nice governments tend to be Anarchies, Psychotic Dictatorships, Corporate Police States, Compulsory Consumerists, and similarly extreme types of government.

Spotlight News
Article by, The Stalker

South Pacific Raided by The Black Hawks
The dastardly Black Hawks have recently taken over South Pacific, a region they had raided two years before. Already piling on endorsements the invader Delegate has reached 75 endorsers thus far.

Atheist Empire Occupation: Update 4
Two months of occupation continues to drag on in Atheist Empire, the invader delegate floating around 60 endorsements. With nearly 200 days already spent in Anarchy, this makes an average of a mere two maybe three major missions for The Black Riders per year.

A new day in Ferelden
This week saw the creation of a new Dragon Age themed region Ferelden, established by King Kyraina. Dragon Age fans are encouraged to join up and get involved!

(Hell's Bells welcome submissions for future Spotlight News articles, contact The Stalker for details.)

Ask Fredd!
Advice Column by, Freddland

Freddo,
Everybody knows that insane is the opposite of sane. So why do flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

Stumped

Stumpy,
I'd like to blame it on the cheese-eating French. Their word for flammable is inflammable. So it would make sense that when English was grabbing all of those other French words (ensemble, entourage, petite, reservoir, french fry, etc), it grabbed up that one, too. As fun as it is to blame the French for everything, they aren't responsible for this particular screwup. Inflammable came from the Latin inflammare, which means 'in flames'.

Fredd
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Mr. Fredd
Is Baby Powder made out of babies?

-Skeptic

Skeptic,
That's a reasonable guess. Since we all know that gun powder is made from ground up guns that were confiscated by the police, baking powder is made from the ashes of the losers on 'Hell's Kitchen' and black powder is made from… well, we don't need to go there.
But, strangely enough, baby powder isn't actually made from babies. I know I was surprised to find that out. Turns out, it's made from dried unicorn tears. The unicorns are kept in a top secret government location (most likely Area 52 – far more secret than Area 51). They are held in tiny cages, fed nothing but onions and ghost chilis and are tortured 24/7 to make them cry. After a few months, they die from exhaustion. Fortunately, the gov't has a massive unicorn test tube breeding program to keep up with demand.
So, aren't you glad to find out baby powder isn't made from babies?

Fredd
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Dear Fredd,
I wanna prank my coworkers this April 1st, I was thinking rat poison in the coffee or maybe hide rattle snakes in the toilets in the public bathrooms. What would your suggestion be?

~The Joker

Joker,
Those both sound like fun. Unfortunately, some frumpy, no-fun businesses frown on coworkers killing each other, no matter how humorously it is done. As a slightly less lethal prank, maybe a few miligrams of iodine-131 in the office coffee pot instead of poison. Nobody will die immediately, but most everybody will end up with thyroid cancer. The payoff on this prank might take decades, but that will make it even more satisfying 20 years from now as you hold your coworkers hand in the intensive care ward and whisper "April Fools!" in their ear as they take their last breath.

Fredd
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Exhaulted Fredd
I wanna move to florida and enjoy the warm, the arctic just doesn't do it for me, but i need a job. Other than killing people and fixing military aircraft, i have no skills. Other than music, which is near impossible to just get hired in. Any ideas on what i should go for?

Potentially Homeless.

P.H.,
Lots o' ideas. The Fredd used to live someplace even better than Florida. Nice and warm, very few mosquitos. This land of milk and honey is known as Mesa, AZ. In Mesa, there is a little company called Boeing. At their Mesa plant, they build Apache Longbow helicopters. My guess is about half their staff is ex-military. Lots o' mechanics. Check 'em out.
If you have your heart set on swampy Florida, I suspect the drug cartels could use somebody with your skill set. I hear the pay is good, but the turnover can be kinda high.

Fredd
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Have a question for Fredd you'd like to see answered in the next issue of Hell's Bells? Submit here via telegram to Freddland.

Artwork of the Damned
"St Francis Preaching to the Birds"
8x10 Oil Painting by, The Stalker

(Close Up)

13 REASONS WHY THE CATHOLIC CHURCH IS RIGHT
AND I AM CONVERTING.........
Article by, Theistic luciferia

1. First off, An excuse to not work Sundays, Monday Mornings and other random days

2, i get to eat my god's blood and flesh!!

3, if i become a priest i get to half drown infants and other people.

4, i will get to wear a murder symbol.

5, it's ok to kill people if they might be a witch.

6, i get to learn latin curse words.

7, i wanna do an exorcism, or cause one.

8, if someone can do something i can't, it's Black Magick and it's evil

9, i wanna go to church high them reenact the High In Church video

10, i can go yell at musicians i don't like about being evil, then go enjoy some good old Hypocracy

11, The Bible doesn't say anything about doing drugs.

12, i wanna replace all the choral books with copies of the Necronomicon

13, if you took any of this seriously, April Fools!

We hope you've enjoyed our fourth and April Fools day issue of Hell's Bells. Nations interested in contributing to future issues should contact The Stalker for details.