HellBoard

Ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee.

August 20th, 2015
Issue IX. He's Evil

Index
I. Interview with Omigodtheykilledkenny
II. Spotlight News
III. Ask Fredd!
IV. \m/ Metal Sub-Genres for those who like different music \m/
V. Artwork of the Damned
VI. Crossword of the Damned

Interview with Omigodtheykilledkenny
Interviewed by, The Stalker

1. As one of NationStates' premier villains, how did you get your start within NationStates? What is the origin story of Omigodtheykilledkenny?

My friend (known as Cobdenia on NationStates) told me about the site, actually. He was a regular of the GA for years, but he's off-and-on now. I nearly gave up when the site wouldn't take any of the names I tried; finally in frustration I typed in "Omigodtheykilledkenny" and it accepted it. Then when I started answering issues according to (more or less) my actual political beliefs, and it turned my citizens into a bunch of gun-crazy, bloodthirsty, corporate-enslaved morons, I just sort of ran with it. That's how Omigodtheykilledkenny became the warmongering, dolphin-hating, suicide-bombing corporate criminals we all know and love today.

2. Well known for your pro-dolphin killing policies, we ask what have these poor majestic sea critters ever done to you? Don't you feel the least bit guilty over the shooting of Cecil the Dolphin?

Cecil had it coming. And it's not so much what the dolphins have done, but what they're conspiring to do that's the problem. No one ever suspects the dolphins. They're always so cute and cuddly-looking, giving kisses to trainers and adorable little kiddies at water parks...which provides them plenty of cover to plot and carry out horrible acts on humankind. If they can blackmail the UN of old to pass a special resolution just for them, and then coerce them into shooting down a right-thinking repeal of the same act (incidentally, our first failed repeal in the UN), what else are they capable of?? That they will bail out on Earth and leave us to our own destruction when the evil alien overlords finally set their sights on our planet is certain; all the relevant science-fiction literature is clear on that. It's the treachery they doubtlessly seek to commit in the interim that we mean to prevent. We maintain that our policy toward the cetacean terrorists is the only sane and logical policy, and we will not apologize for it.

3. With now over ten failed attempts to repeal your Condemnation, do you think future generations will learn from the past? Or is failing to repeal your Condemnation now a Security Council tradition?

They don't seem to have learned anything from the past five and a half years; why should now be any different? The problem is that we seemingly do so many "good" things for the World Assembly that everyone just assumes we are innocent and blameless. We're kind of like the dolphins that way. We may as well be frolicking in aquarium waters and giving trainers kisses right along with them! (Preferably hot trainers with nice boobs.) So no, I don't see repeal attempts against SC#17 as a tradition that will go away anytime soon.

4. After your recent assault on the Security Council with a freakin' Death Star, many are clamoring to see you condemned a second time. What would you say to them? Will there be more assaults from above?

As always, all options remain on the table. As long as the mullahs of the Security Council continue to chant "death to Kenny" and burn our flag and threaten to wipe us off the map, we will not hesitate to respond to threats against our people...including meaningless badges from the World Assembly!

5. Tell us a little about the region you founded Antarctic Oasis, as one of the older regions within the game; in a few words tell us everything.

Well, if the UDL conspiracy sheets are to be believed, we're raider scum who are concurrently a fundamental threat to interregional stability, and a bunch of incompetent buffoons who don't know the first thing about gameplay. Don't let the fact that these charges seemingly contradict each other fool you; they're both indisputably true. Unless you look at the evidence (which has been leaked multiple times from our private forums, and proves that we don't actually give a rat's ass about R&D; we just like laughing at those who do).

The region started out as a way to cheat on my cousin with his wife (a secret place to exchange messages), but then somehow it blossomed into something that transcended the desire to break the Seventh Commandment. There were repeals to write, compliance gnomes to slaughter, Stripper Commandos and exploding penguins to deploy, human-rights violators to hide in the attic, and UN/WA Gestapo to tell lies to about how we don't know anything about any missing dictators; maybe they should try the region down the street? Lynda finally gave up on me and went back to my cousin, but we're all still friends today. :P

6. When you sold your soul to the devil, what did you get in return? How does it feel to be a soulless monster rumored to eat babies?

Hey, Saturn ate his babies and got a planet named after him! So I like my chances. A one-way ticket to hell is a fair exchange. Meet you there?

Spotlight News
Article by, The Stalker

Metal and Rock

In a recent poll Metal closely followed by Rock was voted Hell's favorite music genres. No one could believe it, what a shocker!

Cormac Retires! Again

Recently Cormac stark best known for switching sides, the Osiris coup, and hard hitting Miniluv Messenger, has declared he will be retiring from NationStates for realz this time, but will NS let him? It is a true made up fact that NS won't let people leave the game. For every year you play it is sinking its grip deeper and deeper into ones psyche until your completely trapped, doomed to play NS forever until the end of time. You can leave NS, but NS won't leave you. Mewhahhahaha.

But on a more serious note, we bid you a fond farewell Cormac, and a credit the voodoo magic we used to eliminate rival newspapers competitors like The Miniluv Messenger as the real reason your leaving. ;)

(Hell's Bells welcome submissions for future Spotlight News articles, contact The Stalker for details.)

Ask Fredd!
Advice Column by, Freddland

Dear Fredd,

What is the farthest you've gone to seek revenge? This one time I made a kid eat his parents. Fed them to him as chili! It was delicious.

-Cartman

Cartman,
That would be Kaunas, Lithuania.

Fredd
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What is big, black and long?
Sincerely, Kanye East

K.E.
As everyone knows, the answer is the 2,151 mile long Interstate 70. Stretching from Baltimore to Fort Cove, Utah, I-70 is a major artery for travel and commerce. Pervert.

Fredd
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I have a Norse Binding Spell I am curious to try out. Basically, Lord of the Rings stole bits of this and came up with the books, but you can essentially bind your soul to an Item, such as a ring, amulet or even a tube of Toothpaste, although i recommend against using something that rots, Dies, or anything disposable. My question is, what should i bind my soul to? I want to be eternally present.

-been drinking too much Mjød

Fellow Mjød Lover,
I would suggest binding your soul to taxes or government. Or prejudice. All of those are likely to be eternal. If you want a physical object, how about the earth? Not quite eternal, but It should be around for another 5 billion years or so.
But for truly eternal, unchanging, immutable existence, you should bind your soul to a twinkie. Those suckers will last forever.

Fredd
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Hey, Fredd. So I heard I should ask you my questions for the Hell's Bell's. My question is... why in Hell would you want to do this job? Oh, and do you get paid to do your job?

Nameless,
I don't suppose you'd believe that I do it for the satisfaction. In all honesty, I do it because Stalker gives me all the hookers and blow I can handle.

Fredd
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Have a question for Fredd you'd like to see answered in the next issue of Hell's Bells? Submit here via telegram to Freddland.

\m/ Metal Sub-Genres for those who like different music \m/
Article by, Theistic luciferia

Baroque – Baroque was a form of music typically endorsed by the Catholic Church, Hence the common use of Pipe Organs to play many services. I was unfamiliar with any particular Artists, although a simple search on YouTube provided this Artist and a very Baroque-like sound. https://youtu.be/cA8T4exbWu8 Bloody+Chains

Romantic Era Music – Romantic Era Music is a Genre of Classical Music that was more of a revolt against the social norms of the Enlightenment Era. Common traits were - a new preoccupation with and surrender to Nature; a fascination with the past, particularly the Middle Ages and legends of medieval chivalry; a turn towards the mystic and supernatural, both religious and merely spooky; a longing for the infinite; mysterious connotations of remoteness, the unusual and fabulous, the strange and surprising; a focus on the nocturnal, the ghostly, the frightful, and terrifying; fantastic seeing and spiritual experiences; a new attention given to national identity; emphasis on extreme subjectivism; interest in the autobiographical; discontent with musical formulas and conventions. If you know much about music, these traits are common in many forms of both Rock, Metal and many other Genres. One of the Most known Composers of Romantic Classical Music is Ludwig Van Beethoven. It is one of the most important Influnces for Many Solos in Metal. However, for the sake of providing an Example, Here are 3
https://youtu.be/MZuSaudKc68 Moonlight Sonata 3rd Movement

Beethoven - https://youtu.be/4ZQu3p-qWF8 Beethoven's 5th (1st Movement)
Metal y Musica Clasica - Sepultura - Ludwig Van Beethoven- https://youtu.be/kZEfUsoVImw 9 Sinfonia
Also Check out Trans Siberian Orchestra

Rococo – This one was Rather Difficult as I am unfamiliar with the music, although upon researching I found that Johann Christian Bach, was a Composer of this type and although I couldn’t find a particular genre that embodied the essence of J.C. Bach, or I Do know of a band such as Apocalyptica which, although not technically Rococo Metal, it incorporates elements. I probably chose a poor work to explain this, but the album Inquisition Symphony has many Rococo Elements to it
https://youtu.be/ND9H14AmiAw Apocalyptica-Inquisition Symphony

Folk Songs – There is a Whole Metal Genre dedicated to Folk Music. It’s Called Folk Metal. Here is an Example
https://youtu.be/pV_vRC0FnHk 18 Versions of Folk Metal from around the world
Technically the german style counts as Polka Metal too.

Ballads – Ballads have been an important element to many metal bands when arranging an Album. Particularly, Metallica typically included one on every album.
Metallica (Every Ballad they Have on one Album) - https://youtu.be/rAzEdvHTaGg Metallica

Lullabies – Yes, there are Metal Lullabies, one that comes to mind is from a Comedy Metal Band called Psychostick, although lyrical Content does get a bit profane to post a link to them, so instead
https://youtu.be/aAJNvJQBF6I?list=PL6A2EDE1F4B42F35F Metallica For Babies (most other versions would scare most babies)

Christian Hymns – As much as I have a major dislike for this, I know there are many metal bands that are formed by churches to perform a Christian-Friendly alternative to metal. I actually got forced to go to church with my cousin’s family and their church was actually pushing for people to only listen to Christian alternatives to metal. As far as Hymns go, They all suck, but here is one. Forgive me Satan.
{url=https://youtu.be/yNeaDk860ek]Hosanna

Gregorian Chants – I present Gregorian, I have no more to say
https://youtu.be/8LWcTT__1CI Gregorian

Disco – Mediocre at best for many fans of either
https://youtu.be/ttCfKS_GceY Disco Metal

Dance Club – Eskimo Callboy is pretty much the embodiment of both
https://youtu.be/V_EvhxynAdY Eskimo Callboy – Is Anyone Up

Marches – talking like Marching Bands? Or Military Marches such as every annoying military song I am forced to listen to every time there is a new ceremony.
https://youtu.be/-XglQ38sB5A blehhh

National Anthems, often times are about the same thing as a March, others use a different one, but I’m not posting a link to this one. I’ll just say, google national anthem, Metal. It’s usually something a lot of bigger metal acts play live.

Nursery Rhymes – why? I do not know.
https://youtu.be/lPoLK4BlPV8 Mary had a little lamb

Musak - it’s actually called Muzak and is a common Elevator Music or Retail Music. I would really not consider this a Genre, but I got nothing. I guess if you really wanted this, turn your headphones up really loud and put the whole music player, headphones and all, in an air duct. Surely it will be the same thing, just better than that dreadful elevator music.

Showtunes – again, Not a genre, more of a grouping of songs. There have been metal songs that have been used as show tunes and technically anything played by the band Dethklok is a show tune as it comes from a show. No link needed here either.

Odes – Ode to joy – Technically a repeat of a small subgenre of Romantic Music - https://youtu.be/yMUa4qmiM3A

Opera – You can Thank Christopher Lee (aka, Saruman and Count Duku, both of which I can’t spell). He was the oldest Metal Frontman at 93 when he made this.
https://youtu.be/cvKRbi2ovDY Christopher Lee

Artwork of the Damned
"I Don't Want To Set The World On Fire"
14x11 Oil Painting by, The Stalker

Crossword of the Damned
Created by, The Stalker

Across
• 2. Adam's first wife
• 3. Italian for 'Hell'
• 4. The Devil in Futurama is a?
• 7. Ye who enter, abandon all ____...
• 8. King of Hell in Supernatural
• 10. Number of Deadly Sins?
• 11. Sea Monster, one of the Seven Princes of Hell
• 12. Sold his soul to the Devil
• 14. Talked Lucifer into rebelling against God
• 15. You know that sometimes Satan comes as a man of... ?

Down
• 1. Final boss in Diablo II
• 2. How you are fallen from heaven, O _____, son of the morning.
• 5. For whom the bell tolls?
• 6. Three headed Hell hound
• 9. Satan is my...?
• 10. Is watching you complete this crossword puzzle from your window.
• 13. Hail....?

We hope you've enjoyed our ninth issue of Hell's Bells. Nations interested in contributing to future issues should contact The Stalker for details.

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