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Haha! Those goons will never know that the true cause of this whole disaster was apple juice! *insert really, really bad evil laugh here* And even if they did somehow figure it out, apple juice can take a beating like you've never seen. Hehe...
On an unrelated note, can someone please bring me another apple juice? Thanks.
You mean apple juice can give a beating, right? 'Cause apple juice doesn't tolerate fools--or robot elves--lightly. Here's another glass of the stuff,. if you need convincing.
Did they interrupt Cthulhu's nap again? A few smashes of hir tentacles usually puts an end to most armies. I was wondering what those loud smashing noises were.
*Returns to wiping down the bar with a Lysol-soaked guinea pig*
*the channel 1 presenter comes back on*
We here at Channel 1 would like to apologise for the disturbing imagery previously seen after our last segment. We would like to apologise for the error and present to you a tape that hopefully isn't haunted, we would use our standard programming but all the data is locked in a room we don't have the key to, so until the locksmith gets back to town we will be relying on what we can get. We now bring you yet another of those tapes we found in the basement. Sorry in advance if it's like the last one.
The weekend poetry contest is under way! 
Koedric wants to see free verse poems with bonus points for using milk. And ze wants 
Brocklandia to judge.
The Witness stirs from a particularly long nap and looks around blearily.
I detect, the unmistakable antique stench of cable TV in here. Better not be Dish.
*Gasp!* Is that in my job description? I knew I'd regret that "other duties as assigned" clause. All right, I accept the Helm of Mighty Judging for this week. Plus it looks good with my outfit today. It's all about the Instagram likes, right?
Zombie Penguins, Zany Zanes, and Koedric
I am here for some goat milk.
sets glass of goat milk on table
Tomorrow is milk your own day. You have a choice of Bison, cow, goat, sheep and the thing thats hiding in the dumpster.
A likely story. Is that going to be what you tell Interpol when they raid the place?
That "thing's" name is Ralph, and now you've hurt his feelings. Next time you take the trash to the dumpster, expect some payback.
I am afraid I won't be able to do that, because, y'know, I don't have opposable thumbs...
I could, however, hire someone to milk the goat for me. Would you be interested in this job?
You might also try putting an ad on Craigslist, something like: "Wanted--Assistant to milk unspecified lactating animals at a fantasy bar in an online game, on behalf of a player who might or might not be a large cat. Must have at least one opposable thumb and good work ethic. References and lactose tolerance required."
Hey, that's how I got my job as janitor here.
i would say same but i dont have thumbs either
Do you and 
Feline Masters need to get service humans to assist you? Or maybe we could add that to Duncan the delivery doggo's duties. Foxes, cats, and dogs mix well, right?
Zany Zanes, Feline Masters, and Duncan the delivery doggo
They're just playing some weird tapes on Channel 1.
Well, dogs don't have opposable thumbs either.
Primates, however, do. Any chance you could arrange for a chimp?
Brocklandia and Duncan the delivery doggo
I thought that was reality TV captured by the cameras in the Bar's sub-basements.
Contrary to popular opinion, chimps don't work for bananas--they're too smart. On the other hand, dogs genes are easy and cheap to modify, and opposable thumbs are Number 12 on the list of most-requested mods, behind "fur that doubles as projectile spines" and "electrified teeth." Sounds that sound a lot more cuddly than some stinky chimp?
*Channel 1 presenter comes back on*
We have been informed of the source of the tapes, which apparently related to something involving a bunch of murders and we have neem forced to hand them over to the police. Luckily, we have several other tapes to play, such as this old commercial from the 90s or 80s or whatever. Apparently someone bought ad space for it back then and we never got around to clearing them out. Anyway, time for an old nostalgic commercial. Or possibly a haunted one.
Stay tuned.
I dunno, buddy. I just want my goat milk. How long will it take you to genetically modify a dog?
I wish I had gotten a second bottle as takeout yesterday.
Well, we can set the microwave on 5, which is slow, or on 10 for a faster mutation rate. What's your tolerance for the smell of burning dog hair? Don't worry--it'll grow back ... sort of.
Tolerance? Lol.
I could watch it for fun.
*A zombie moves 
Kissinger-Monroe back to the freezer*
A simple haiku
For Brocklandia to judge
That's not about milk
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