The Land of Kings and EmperorsBoard

GEOGRAPHY AND MAKEUP
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Hekp is a small, orderly country bordered by ocean on three sides and 4 neighboring countries. The layout of Hekp is similar to that of South Africa's position on the continent of Africa. The population consists of Hekpians (also referred to as Hekpvites), which make up 56% of the population, Unglocians, which make up 26%, and Herds, which make up 10%. Other minorities, mostly from immigration, make up the remaining 8%. The racial category of Hekp is about 93% White, with 3% Black, 1% Asian, and 3% others in the minorities.

SYMBOLS OF HEKP
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Currently, the flag of Hekp is of a double headed eagle, taken from the Byzantine/Eastern Roman Empire of old. The flag has 3 colors, besides the eagle. The red stands for blood and victory in conquest, representing the successful campaigns of the Hekpian army over its adversaries. The white stands for peace and prosperity of the land, greater than every nation. Last, the green stands for nothing, and is used to screw over colorblind people. It has been noticed that the eagle on the coat of arms is different than the one on the flag. This is because (according to government sources), a random man broke into Constantine III's room, and gave him a pile of money if he would change the flag. After that, people began wondering why Constantine III had Rolex watches.

POLITICAL STRUCTURE
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Hekp is ruled by the Emperor, who serves for life. Currently, George VI of the Clerbert dynasty rules over Hekp with an iron fist. The successor to the emperor is chosen among the Emperor's children (both male and female), in what is described as, "the most tense game of Rock Paper Scissors ever". The Emperor appoints a cabinet of people to help with his bidding. There are no elections in Hekp, as most citizens are too ignorant to care. The cabinet comprises of these following departments and secretaries.
Ministry of Foreign Affairs
Ministry of Land
Ministry of Defence
Ministry of Security
Ministry of Justice
Ministry of Transportation
Ministry of Energy
Ministry of Propaganda
Ministry of Education
Ministry of Intelligence

NATIONAL BELIEFS
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Currently, Christianity (non-trinitarian) is the most popular religion in Hekp at 78%, followed by Zoroastrianism at 15%, Judaism at 4%, Islam at 2%, and 1% other or athiest. The country considers religion to be of the highest importance, and while the country is secular, many laws come from from religious beliefs due to the popularity of them. 45% of Hekpians go to religious services once every week, 22% attend once every year, 21% attend once every month, and 12% do not attend at all.

FOREIGN AFFAIRS
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Hekp does not take a slight easily. With a rearmament process occuring, Hekp is beginning to be ready for war. International diplomacy is used, and usually, Hekp does not go to war. However, Hekp does go to war often with neighboring countries that have slighted it. Critics have called Hekp a bully upon the international stage. There's also a reason why it's "have called" and not "call". Think of that what you will, but currently, Hekp is respected on the world stage, mostly to avoid war.

DOMESTIC AFFAIRS
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Hekp is a socially and economically conservative nation, meaning that all policies follow close to conservative ideological teachings. For example, in Hekp, exports are stamped with "made by the invisible hand you commies". Hekp is a monarchy, meaning that it rules over its subjects with an iron fist. Elections, protesting, and dissidence is banned in favor of peace, law, and order. This makes Hekp undemocratic, but a good place to live, similar to Singapore if it was more authoriarian. And a worse place to live. And gum was allowed.

In the year 1135, settlers kicked out from the Greater Soicien region began looking for a new land to find. At first, they began asking the locals where they could go. One tribe, sick of the new arrivals, told them of an area just southwest. This area, however, was believed to be impassable by the local tribes. Their wish was for settlers to die making it over the forests and mountains, but the settlers made it, but with half the population they began with. A wagon party was sent out in the front, carrying the leader of Hekp. When he overlooked where is new home would be, he looked at it, and asked for a glass of water. The water, according to reports, was "pretty filtered".

When everyone else came in, the settlers were amazed by the bountiful land they had encountered, not inhabited by anyone besides the animals, who were there first, but no one likes "That Vegan Teacher". Seriously, her content is pathetic. Anyway, they looked over the glorious land, and asked to one another, "Hekp?", meaning (in old Hekpian), "What paradise is this"? Over time via bad storytelling, a few historians getting drunk on vodka, and the telephone game, this monomer stuck as the nation's name, giving us the Empire of Hekp.

However, an Empire can't exist unless there are multiple ethnicities, leading us to the next bit. When the tribe the Hekpians had asked heard of their success, they became spiteful and angered against the new citizens of Hekp. Fortunate for the tribe, all those wagons meant that now there was a pass through the badlands. They attacked, and began to raid Hekpian settlements. Hearing of this, a local military commander by the name of George Clerbert gathered together a band of countrymen and prepared to dig in to defend the capital. However, the funds got mismanaged or something, and so all they could afford was a 3 dollar fence from the Middle Ages version of Temu.

The tribe attacked the Hekpians, with their spears, and shields, bravery and anger. But turns out they lived in a pretty steamy area, so everyone was just wearing loincloths. When they came up against some semblance of armor, they began to fear, but they pressed on. The defenders were outnumbered 10 to one, and the Middle Ages Temu fence broke apart when it came in contact with sunlight. During the long and tiresome battle, Hekpian Swords began to piece through a bunch of the tribe's warriors because nudity doesn't help in a war, but despite this, the defender's weapons were breaking. But then someone had the bright idea of using the broken parts of the fence for weapons. If not for this, Hekp would have been lost, like my wallet whenever I want to buy something off of eBay.

George Clerbert became a national hero for his actions, using his prestige to become the first Emperor of Hekp. His first act as Emperor was to declare a new motto, being "Middle Ages Temu is Our Hero", until an aide rushed to his side and told him that his motto was stupid. His second act as Emperor was to get rid of that motto. The tribe that had raided Hekp was soon conquered by the new Empire. During the subjugation, a soldier asked a woman in the tribe where the gold was. She responded, "Unglocia?", which is some long and philosophical answer that contains the mysteries of life and stuff. The soldier didn't care and took the tribe's gold anyway. He related this experience with his commanding officer, and everyone thought that name was cool and congratulated him, because that's DEFINITELY how people work. This name also became what the tribe was referred to due to the whole telephone game thing.

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In 1293, a war began with the Bigtopian Kingdom and the Glorious Empire of Hekp. This began after a Bigtopian delegation, noticing the technological innovations of the Empire of Hekp, began to seek better diplomatic ties between the Bigtopian Kingdom and the Empire of Hekp. However, one of the delegations, forgetting that the Hekpian language is superior to all in the world, said something in the native Bigtopian. Since there were no translators around, they pulled up Middle Ages Google Translate, and fed it in. But then, Bordon the data tamper, whose presence is known across all dimensions, made it translate 50 times, leading to it translating as "We mill help", which is *just* two letters away from "We kill Hekp". This made the Empire of Hekp declare war.

All across the land, the trumpets of war sounded with full force, mainly because the air compressor finally worked. Many young men received knocks on their doors calling them up. The mobilization service, currently the 29th oldest branch of the government (before the Commissions of Improperly Labeled Herring in 1563 and after the Rubber Stamp Parliament in 1286), was begun during this time, and is a national source of pride for the Empire. During the war, squads of men would randomly come up to other men on the street, and ask them to join, in peaceful ways that didn't involve a knife to the face.

Hekpian forces crossed the barrier (which had become tamed a bit more) and moved into Bigtopian territory. The Bigtopians had amassed some 95,000 men to defend their homeland, compared to the Empire of Hekp's forces, numbering about 103,000 men, however, 4,000 left after they realized that Middle Ages Google Translate didn't exist, leading to there being only 99,000 troops, led by the Emperor himself, Constantine I. Commanding Bigtopian forces was King Bigston II, the last of his dynasty. Bigtopia had fortified in their capital city, aptly titled Bigtopia City, because someone couldn't come up with an interesting idea.

Hekpian forces, carrying what remained of the Middle Ages Temu Fence like the Ark of the Covenant (but with less Nazi faces being melted off), descended upon Bigtopia City, and sieged it, because no one wanted to get hurt, right? However, Bigston II, noticing the dire straits he and his army were in, decided to go on a foolhardy plan. He sent out spies out of the city to spread the rumor that Constantine I had died of something, like a heart attack (I said it was a foolhardy plan). Unfortunately, they snuck out while the Empire of Hekp was celebrating the "Dance around or someone will die" festival, and Constantine was on stage to pick the lucky soldier who would get a free cake. The spies decided instead to join the Hekpian forces, because of the dancing.

Bigston II, realizing that he was doomed, decided to come to terms with the Empire of Hekp. However, Constantine would not have any of this. Nothing but a yearly tribute would satisfy him. And so, Hekpian forces began to scale the walls. The battle raged on, each side seeming to have limitless men, as Hekp would scale the walls. The battle seemed like it would end at a stalemate when Constantine decided to break for lunch. However, then, the Middle Ages Temu fence rose from its box, and melted the faces off of the Bigtopian forces. It turns out that when you really believe in a box you carry everywhere, it does gain the power to melt Nazi's faces off... wait a minute... (moments later) Alright men! Bigtopia will be OURS!

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During the 1350's-1380's, a cultural revolution took place in Hekp, which would shape Hekpian culture for years, and still serves as the basis for many Hekpian foods. Before the 1350's, Hekp was mostly influenced by the Unglocian culture after the two populations began to mix. Hekp at the time was more feudal and primitive at the time, its food and fashion being described as "a crime against humanity". However, after a trip by the Hekpian royalty to foreign lands, the royal family began to dress different, trading in the potato sack the Queen wore for an actual dress.

Anyway, skipping some boring stuff and the conquering of the Herds, a succession crisis broke out between George III
and Regina I in 1423. George believed that he should be emperor because he could sing the lyrics to "Thy Heart Doth be Like a Heart, but with Slightly Less Clogged Arteries", a popular song at the time. Regina thought she should be emperor because she thought that song sucked, and she was right. Both sided raise up forces and fought over the throne for 16 years, until they both died in a sailing mishap (like Frozen or Tarzan, if they were more realistic). After this, the title of Emperor was chosen by a game of Rock Paper Scissors.

In 1848, a revolution happened, I guess. It's 9:38 PM and I'm already tired, so later, dorks.

Short Overview for those with low attention spans:
In 1135, a group of settlers, kicked out of their land, moved into a bountiful land. Surprised they found such a great land, they asked to each other, "Hekp?", meaning "What paradise is this?". As of such, the Empire of Hekp got its name. After time, Hekp began to expand, conquering the Unglocian tribes after Unglocia began a raid on Hekpian villages. Other tribes and nations, such as the Herds, were conquered after the king willed his land to Hekp. In 1423, a succession crisis began, fought between George the III and Regina the I. Both claimed the throne, and raised up troops to fight the other. It was a time of chaos for the Empire. After time, both died, and the relm moved to normal. In 1848, revolutions began across Hekp calling for a democracy, but they were put down. This transitioned into the modern period, where Hekp is today.

Hello dear readers, this day marks a new day for me to write something that will entice thee for what I shall write shall'beith thine most grandest of tales. Another tale from the Land whom the people of the Tundras, Deserts, Rivers, Mountains, Antartic Deserts, Desserts, Forrest, Seas, Underground Rivers, and Southeastern part of the Western part of greater North London, call home. Absitterra.

To the HISSssstoryyyyyyy.....

The Gunpowder Treason and Cake.

You've definitely heard of the Gunpowder Treason and plot, but how about the Gunpowder Treason and Cake?

During the years following the Great Goatic War, wish I shall cover in the next 35 moons, a plot did brew.

John Hill and William Llynnfair had plotted against King Stefán Îranovīç Brænkøvīx, the newly crowned userper King, due to
King Stefán Îranovīç Brænkøvīx being a fat bastard userper.

They plotted on his birthday, February 28, to plant a stick of dynamite within his fine Gâteau du Garçon d'anniversaire. They were idiots of course.

One, how would you light a damn stick of dynamite in a cake? I bet even our great emperor (I think that's one of the ways to call him) can't do that.

Two,.... *Deep Thinking*..... Ah I got
nothing.

On the morn of February 28th the cake was set in place, Infront of King Stefán was it to be placed, but alas King Stefán did not take his fill for he had known of the plot to kill.

You can guess what happened to them.
[INSERT BLOOD SPLATTER SOUND EFFECT]
They were beheaded, as usual.

Downfall of King Stefán Îranovīç Brænkøvīx

The userper was userped, of course.
On his second birthday after the dynamite birthday. Two.men, again, plotted to over throw and kill him, this time it worked.

John Jean Jon Gén and Louis XXIV had entered the birthday party with 1799.5 men, one of them was a dwarf, and proceeded to overthrow King Stefán Îranovīç Brænkøvīx and Killing him by shooting 1799.5 Bullets into his head, one bullet was halved.

Soon the true King, King Augustus was placed on the thrown. And this time he didn't become mad.

IT IS NOW OVER!!
LEAVE THIS PLACE AND COME BACK TOMMOROW!!