The Kingdom of all the Balts of Eyke is a massive, cultured nation, ruled by Eyke the 504th with an iron fist, and notable for its barren, inhospitable landscape, unlimited-speed roads, and frequent executions. The hard-nosed, hard-working, cynical, devout population of 1.127 billion Eykians are kept under strict control by the oppressive government, which measures its success by the nation's GDP and refers to individual citizens as "human resources."

The relatively small, corrupt, well-organized government juggles the competing demands of Spirituality, Law & Order, and Defense. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Eykïnsberg. The average income tax rate is 14.2%, but much higher for the wealthy.

The strong Eykian economy, worth 81.9 trillion Steels a year, is broadly diversified and led by the Arms Manufacturing industry, with major contributions from Basket Weaving, Gambling, and Automobile Manufacturing. Average income is 72,678 Steels, and evenly distributed, with the richest citizens earning only 2.8 times as much as the poorest.

Citizens who leave the nation for work are instantly charged with treason, foreign musicians that Eyke the 504th dislikes are turned away at the border, the nation threatens sanctions on islands only visible at low tide, and grocery store cereal aisles resemble a Piet Mondrian work. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to a capable police force. Eyke's national animal is the Quarter mile Horse, which teeters on the brink of extinction due to widespread deforestation, and its national religion is Christianity.

Eyke is ranked 15,891^st in the world and 296^th in Europe for Most Cheerful Citizens, with 53.84 Percentage Of Water Glasses Perceived Half-Full.