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Listen up, dumbsh!ts. I’m here to gentrify San Francisco.

Look here, it’s not 1960 anymore, people. San Francisco needs less activism and more disruption. I’m gonna call up my VC and tech friends, and before you know it, the only thing anybody around here will be talking about is their latest startup idea. Like it or not, that is where the real revolution is happening. While you continue to complain about the new housing development we're catalysing, we're actually out there making a difference in the world by meeting real human needs. Making the world more connected. Not being evil. Creating products that just work straight out of the box. Optimising things you never even knew needed to be optimised.

Prepare to be priced out of your own region as we commodify your culture, commercialise your radicalism, and recuperate your TAZs into parties where people like us can get sh!tfaced. We're the disruptors. The job creators. The Silicon Valley elite. Bohemian Grove is old hat. Burning Man is where it's at.

But don’t worry, we're actually on your side, you know? We’ll make sure to voice our support for progressive ideas, use terms like “human-centered capitalism”, and shovel our hard-earned money into the coffers of the local Democrats so you know that we stand for the same things.