The Federation of Balnik is a gargantuan, orderly nation, ruled by Andre Chernobog with an iron fist, and remarkable for its irreverence towards religion, devotion to social welfare, and stringent health and safety legislation. The hard-nosed, hard-working, cynical population of 20.518 billion Balniki are ruled by a mostly-benevolent dictator, who grants the populace the freedom to live their own lives but watches carefully for anyone to slip up.

The enormous, well-organized government juggles the competing demands of Defense, Education, and Healthcare. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Rustov. The average income tax rate is 68.3%, and even higher for the wealthy.

The thriving Balniki economy, worth a remarkable 1,170 trillion Vrags a year, is quite specialized and led by the Arms Manufacturing industry, with significant contributions from Beef-Based Agriculture, Book Publishing, and Basket Weaving. State-owned companies are reasonably common. Average income is 57,029 Vrags, and distributed extremely evenly, with little difference between the richest and poorest citizens.

Doctors prescribe medicines produced by the last pharmaceutical company to give them a free pen, hand-to-hand combat experience is udderly essential for all dairy ranchers, airplane passengers who purchase "basic economy" tickets are often assigned seats in the lavatory, and wealthy parents-to-be can select their perfect baby. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to a very well-funded police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Balnik's national animal is the Grand Raven, which soars majestically through the nation's famously clear skies, and its national religion is Voyachekism.

Balnik is ranked 110,791^st in the world and 100^th in The Western Isles for Safest, scoring 80.55 on the Bubble-Rapp Safety Rating.