Kenny vs. the World -- 2015!

It was a year of change, a year of challenges, a year of triumph, a year of tragedy, a year of many other "it was a year of" cliches, but most importantly, it was a year of Kennyites repeatedly clawing and hacking and scratching their way to the front pages like the fiendish attention-whores that they are. Yes, the Federal Republic made a lot of news this year, and many a world leader probably got a chuckle reading about it, but what the world didn't see was all of the ugly aftermath that followed the punchy headlines. So, here's a summary of updates you might have missed from the Big Stories of 2015.

Debris from Death Star blasts enough to make dozens more Death Stars

Take that, Defwa! It turns out that the repeal of the World Space Administration wasn't the only boon to the space-warfare industry last year -- not after Kennyite WA Ambassador Susa Batko-Yovino hijacked the controls of the WA's Death Star and blasted the defunct WSA fleet to Kingdom Come.

Whoa! Is that massive glittering cloud in the night sky the Milky Way, or just a bunch of WSA space junk?

Planetary Destruction Futures skyrocketed when the local Kennyite office of the World Assembly Scientific Programme (WASP) estimated that the amount of debris left over from the blasts, if properly recycled, could be used to construct at least 50 more Death Stars, effectively giving the World Assembly "the ultimate power in the universe," many times over.

"If that was the case, why the hell did we even need a WSA anyway?!" exclaimed a representative for Secretary-General Catherine Gratwick.

Speaking of Kennyite space misadventures...

Asteroid Kennyite astronomers perturbed may not hit Earth after all

That's right. After all that drama about the imminent arrival of the End of the World, thanks to a Kennyite interplanetary nuclear experiment knocking a nearby asteroid out of orbit and sending it hurdling toward the Earth, it turns out that the rogue object might not come near our planet after all. After other scientists failed to confirm the initial findings of the asteroid-hunters who were responsible for the boondoggle, it appeared their projections for Armageddon to arrive in 2044 were in doubt.

"We don't know why we should have listened to them in first place," said baffled astrophysicist Theodore Ramsing, who disputes the projections. "They're the ones who screwed up and almost brought about our destruction."

At any rate, others in the astronomical community believe all the hubbub about a wayward asteroid is misplaced, considering that the planet Nibiru (the "science" for which is actually mainstream in Omigodtheykilledkenny) is likely to collide with Earth well before 2044.

Students already demanding newly elected President Faisano resign

No sooner was Sammy Faisano elected president of Omigodtheykilledkenny than protests began to erupt at his alma maters, Summit City Liberal College and Paradise City University, demanding he immediately step down over numerous "microaggression" crimes committed during his campaign. Among them, his supporters' claim that he was "the man for the job."

"The outrageous insinuation that as a man, he is much more fit for the presidency than his female opponent should have no place in civilized politics," said Amy Wingstrom, professor of political science at PCU and a supporter of the student activists.

The campaign's other crimes? Faisano's referring to his opponent Angela Heimann-Weisenstrauss as "Ms. Heimann", as "the implication that she still has a hymen only calls attention to the fact that she is sexually unappealing and unable to land a good husband," said Wingstrom. Also, Faisano's referring to Heimann as "the former ambassador to Gruenberg," since "referring to such a violent, backward and antifeminist nation as Gruenberg makes women voters deeply uncomfortable, and could trigger psychological episodes that would prevent them from going to the polls."

And the incident at a Faisano rally, when during a performance by supporter Lanny Krayfish, the musician's leather pants split open and his junk fell out? "You better believe that's a microaggression," said Wingstrom. "Emphasis on the 'micro'."

'FOMA' may be dead, but its spirit lingers on

Anyone who feared that the Kennyites would use their sponsored repeal of Freedom of Marriage Act as a pretext for revoking same-sex marriage locally, probably breathed a sigh of relief, if they hung around long enough to see what transpired afterward.

Indeed, the repeal actually set off a nationwide backlash against anti-gay discrimination, culminating in the High Court striking down "civil unions" statutes in twelve states, ordering them instead to allow same-sex couples to get married like regular couples already, on the grounds that, "despite religious kooks' assertions to the contrary, not a single straight couple has been prevented from marrying in the other 23 states that already allow same-sex marriage."

"Civil unions are basically gay marriage for wimps anyway," wrote Associate Justice Hal Hennebrent. "If you want to appear halfway tolerant about gay relationships you might as well go whole hog." Journalists and legal analysts might have pointed out that the justice's rationale lacked any actual legal merit, but they were too busy cheering on air.

It was a banner day for social equality, and Kennyites promptly set out to demonstrate to the world how they came together as a nation to move forward. Supporters of gay marriage poured into the streets, celebrating by donning obnoxious rainbow feather boas and holding public makeout sessions, while continuing to liken their opponents to Nazis and slave-owners. The president, who'd done absolutely nothing to secure a favorable ruling, nonetheless held a press conference to take all the credit for it, and later stepped up his gloating efforts by lighting up 10 Frowning Street in rainbow colors. Liberal senators who had come out for gay marriage just a few years ago -- in a cynical effort to get out in front of the inevitable -- pretended as though they had supported gay rights all along. Backwoods county clerks, under some delusion that their "religious liberty" was now in jeopardy, refused to issue marriage licenses and made themselves out to be heroes and martyrs for a lost cause.

One might think that the national response was anything but gracious, but for crying out loud, these are Kennyites. By their standards this was downright civil.

Meanwhile, at the WA Security Council...

The world's obsession with Omigodtheykilledkenny and its condemnation badge continued unabated, as two repeals came to quorum and were shot down by the World Assembly. The Death Star also played a role in this drama. National outrage over the Security Council's constant axe-grinding was such that when a local species of dolphin was declared extinct, not even the radical bleeding-heart environmentalists gave a flying flip.

"Eh," declared Dustin Freudeau, president of the Violent Insurrectionists for Animal Liberation. "If it stops them from voting on our country all the freakin' time, at least there's an upside."

He may have spoken too soon, as more and more nations now advocate condemning the Federal Republic yet again, rather than endure another repeal vote. The eternal kawaii, Yelda, Mousebumples and The Stalker have all endorsed a second condemnation.

In a fit of very sour grapes, the Kennyite WA office introduced a commendation for Bitely, who has been publicly acknowledged as a constant thorn in the side of the WA's reputed "elite" -- and incidentally, was also the author of the previously mentioned WSA. When a malfunction in the WA's (really useful) sarcasm detector resulted in a massive defeat at vote, Anton Kushner, Omigodtheykilledkenny's most-followed celebrity on Twitter, threatened to fly to Bitely and doorbell ditch every last house in the nuisance country. However, once the actor discovered that due to the country having squandered all of its income on ad space, all of Bitely's citizens were now homeless, he turned back.

Loch Ness Monster Republic rises again!

Yes, it seems that while the rest of the country was dithering uselessly over microaggressions and Death Stars, a nascent movement in Northern Omigodtheykilledkenny was rising up, demanding the return of the long-defunct Loch Ness Monster Republic, which was famous for expelling Bigtopians from its lands via firing them out of cannons so that the true, proper, non-Bigtopian master race could enjoy their own country in peace. The fact that the Loch Ness Monster Republic's flag still flies atop the Northern Omigodtheykilledkenny state capitol has been a lingering controversy for decades.

The Kennyite government was presented with multiple options to address the flag kerfuffle, including forcing the state government to take down the flag by force, allowing Northern Kennyites to push back against PC efforts to quash their beloved flag, banning the flag along with all racial slurs in an effort to create a more progressive and tolerant country, and just letting the Northern Kennyites have their stupid racist country back.

It was decided that the government assist the northern state in shunting political correctness, if for nothing else to save the popular children's show "The Counts of Hasbro," in which lovable rebels drove around the countryside in a red Camaro with the Nessie Republic's flag painted on the roof, from rerun extinction. As a result, the World Census noted a rise in sales of "matryoshka dolls resembling nested Death Stars." Man, there's just no escaping those pesky moon-sized space stations in this silly game--er, "multiverse," is there?