The Free Land of Pyrophylite is a gargantuan, orderly nation, ruled by Lord Kaolin with an iron fist, and notable for its anti-smoking policies, ritual sacrifices, and enforced nudity. The hard-nosed, cynical, humorless, devout population of 15.761 billion Pyrophyliteans are kept under strict control by the oppressive government, which measures its success by the nation's GDP and refers to individual citizens as "human resources."

The enormous, corrupt, moralistic, well-organized government is primarily concerned with Defense, although Law & Order and Spirituality are also considered important, while Education and Welfare are ignored. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Squirrel Nest. Citizens pay a flat income tax of 70.2%.

The Pyrophylitean economy, worth a remarkable 1,104 trillion Lithiums a year, is driven entirely by a combination of government and state-owned industry, with private enterprise illegal. However, for those in the know, there is an enormous, deeply entrenched, highly specialized black market in Arms Manufacturing, Basket Weaving, and Furniture Restoration. The private sector mostly consists of enterprising ten-year-olds selling lemonade on the sidewalk, but the government is looking at stamping this out. Average income is 70,074 Lithiums, but there is a large disparity between incomes, with the richest 10% of citizens earning 296,709 per year while the poor average 10,691, a ratio of 27.8 to 1.

Cleaners are very careful not to bump into the big red button on Lord Kaolin's desk, the nation's police officers are famously miserable-looking, the tools of the trade for landmine clearance appear to be copious amounts of gasoline and a box of matches, and the nation's faithful often say there is a higher power watching over them. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to the all-pervasive police force. Pyrophylite's national animal is the Squirrel, which teeters on the brink of extinction due to widespread deforestation, and its national religion is Acornism.

Pyrophylite is ranked 11,923^rd in the world and 769^th in Lazarus for Most Armed, with 10.29 weapons per person.