The Protectorate of Haifalem is a huge, cultured nation, remarkable for its barren, inhospitable landscape and smutty television. The hard-nosed, hard-working, cynical population of 623 million Haifalemians are kept under strict control by the oppressive government, which measures its success by the nation's GDP and refers to individual citizens as "human resources."

The relatively small, well-organized government juggles the competing demands of Law & Order, Defense, and Education. Citizens pay a flat income tax of 10.9%.

The strong Haifalemian economy, worth 35.6 trillion Haifalem Onglois a year, is broadly diversified and led by the Woodchip Exports industry, with major contributions from Gambling, Arms Manufacturing, and Trout Farming. Average income is 57,094 Haifalem Onglois, but there is a significant disparity between incomes, with the richest 10% of citizens earning 172,344 per year while the poor average 14,735, a ratio of 11.7 to 1.

Chocolate in Haifalem has its flavour enhanced by the salty tears of enslaved factory workers, nine-year-olds' chat logs are scoured for evidence of radicalization, toy versions of heroin paraphernalia let kids pretend to be their favourite TV characters, and Leader can't hear a thing when the unwashed masses throw rocks at the new state limousine. Crime is relatively low, thanks to a capable police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Haifalem's national animal is the Cheetah, which teeters on the brink of extinction due to widespread deforestation.

Haifalem is ranked 183,236^th in the world and 21^st in Coldonia for Safest, scoring 53.26 on the Bubble-Rapp Safety Rating.