The Stupidly Big Police State of Cafe Hell is a colossal, efficient nation, ruled by Cafehito with an iron fist, and remarkable for its deadly medical pandemics, rampant corporate plagiarism, and ban on automobiles. The hard-nosed, cynical, humorless population of 6.725 billion Cafehito little playthings are ruled without fear or favor by a psychotic dictator, who outlaws just about everything and refers to the populace as "my little playthings."

The large, corrupt, moralistic, well-organized government is primarily concerned with Defense, with Law & Order, Industry, and Administration also on the agenda, while International Aid isn't funded at all. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Cafeburg. The average income tax rate is 98.3%.

The frighteningly efficient Cafehito little plaything economy, worth a remarkable 2,796 trillion Cryptoes a year, is driven entirely by a combination of government and state-owned industry, with private enterprise illegal. However, for those in the know, there is an enormous, deeply entrenched, quite specialized black market in Arms Manufacturing, Information Technology, and Uranium Mining. The private sector mostly consists of enterprising ten-year-olds selling lemonade on the sidewalk, but the government is looking at stamping this out. Average income is an amazing 415,856 Cryptoes, and distributed extremely evenly, with little difference between the richest and poorest citizens.

Overhead luggage compartments on trains sometimes conceal diminutive intelligence officers, the military refers to helpless combatants offering surrender as "sitting ducks", anti-vaxxers claim that injected children are prone to psychotic breaks when they see the 'Queen of Diamonds' playing card, and sushi is sold on the black market. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to a well-funded police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Cafe Hell's national animal is the Humans, which teeters on the brink of extinction due to widespread deforestation, and its national religion is Flanelism.

Cafe Hell is ranked 5,036^th in the world and 3^rd in Arakeia for Most Advanced Public Education, scoring 15,084.04 on the Edu-tellignce® Test Score.