Zhaucauozian Friendship

THE 'BURGH, The Palentine --- Citizens across the country, along with others around the world, are looking forward to the upcoming marriage of the Empress Jhessan and her chosen swain, Perfecto Solis.

"OMG! This is like real romantic, and her wedding dress is sooooo pretty! OMG it's like a fairy tale!" was the reaction from one excited teenage fangirl in the nation's capital. Although this sentiment has been echoed by many -- even by grown adults during TV news broadcasts -- the general feeling among the citizenry has been mixed at best.

Most reactions tend to be very positive, as Her Hotness is extremely popular with the people. Others are happy that her children will be finally having a father. There is also a hope that maybe this marriage will help curb her "party girl" image, and compel other nations in the region and the world to treat her (and by extension The Palentine) with respect, and not merely as a subject of the tabloids.

Inevitably, however, not everyone was pleased at the news of the upcoming marriage. The more conservative elements of Palentine society fret over Her Hotness marrying a foreigner of rather dubious background. The rumor that Perfecto is in fact the illegitimate son of Jhessan's paramour, disgraced former Kennyite president Manuelo Fernanda, has caused great embarrassment and chagrin.

Society types especially look down on Perfecto's mother Hilda as being a uncouth, "new-moneyed" upstart. There are rumors that the Empress is planning on ennobling Hilda as a Countess before the wedding just to spite the old guard nobility, as Her Hotness has had problems with said nobles in the past and holds them in contempt.

On the other side of the continent, in Perfecto's native Omigodtheykilledkenny, the populace tends to view the union more skeptically. It was reported by KNN that the groom remains a person of interest in a foiled 2016 attack on the Kennyite embassy in The 'Burgh. Reaction from the Kennyite government has been muted, though President Sammy Faisano did send Jhessan formal congratulations upon news of the engagement, along with a pumpkin. "Because, as anyone who saw our last match knows, you're a cheater-cheater, pumpkin-eater!" the president explained in his message.

Still, "wedding fever" is said to be gripping many Kennyite residents, particularly Jhessan's local fanbase. "OMG this is so exciting!!! Can't wait for the wedding march!!!" was the caption of a photo Capt. Jenny Chiang recently posted to her Instagram account, featuring herself kissing an embroidered pillow bearing the likenesses of Jhessan and Perfecto. (Chiang has admitted in the past to being a "big fan" of Jhessan's reality show, "Who Wants to Marry an Empress?") Others on social media were not so kind. Aggrieved male wrestling fans were especially angry over their crush being married off to some "punk kid."

At the imperial court, TMZ and various pop-culture and celebrity magazines have been working overtime trying to keep up with the frenzied atmosphere. "It's been crazy. I haven't had a day off in months," complained an anonymous paparazzi.

The imperial press office has been doing its best to answer all inquiries from the public and press. "Her Hotness is extremely happy, and touched by the well wishes of the citizenry. She and her fiancé have been busy making plans," reported Jolene Smith, the imperial press secretary.

While the couple have kept most of the plans private, some information has been made public. The wedding will be held at the Cathedral of St. Ronaldus Magnus in The 'Burgh. The Empress wanted to have it held in her personal church, but logistically it makes more sense to use the central Cathedral of the Church of Reagan instead, especially since right after the ceremony, a ceremony of investiture will be held, where Her Hotness will ennoble her husband and officially invest him with the title of Imperial Consort.

It is also believed that her children will be taking part in the service, and Perfecto himself is said to be preparing them. Daughter Cassandra's suggestion that her mutant Venus fly-trap plant, nicknamed "Cleopatra," be the ring-bearer for the ceremony was reportedly nixed when Perfecto pointed out that if Cleopatra chomped his hand off, it would make it very difficult for him to give the Empress his ring. He offered instead his direwolf, Goblin, who is said to be far more placid than Cleopatra.

Hilda has slowly been warming up to her son's marriage, and somewhat relishing her new role as the "imperial mother-in-law." Mother and son are said to be in the process of becoming Palentine citizens before the wedding. Unfortunately, the Imperial Dowager is not thought to share their enthusiasm. While she has been keeping up a brave facade in public, in private it's been said the Dowager has been hitting the hooch rather strongly.

By contrast, the Palace's infamous Jaegermonster Corps are also said to be really excited. Such a ceremony means they will be called to perform public duties of security and ceremony...and because of that they will be requiring new uniforms, and of course new hats. The contest between Jaegers on who will have the most impressive chapeau is believed to be fierce and much anticipated.

Merchants in the Palentine have also been doing quite well. Already there have been commemorative coins and other licensed merchandise being sold to those who wish to have a lasting memory of the event.

One person who has seen a remarkable increase in business is fashion designer Victoria Huang. After the Palace released photos of the empress modeling the couturier's original design, orders have been flooding in from Palentine brides desiring a similar gown for their own nuptials. It's even been said that sales stemming from The Empress's dress will be at least four times greater than Antigone Morgan's wedding dress, which was also designed by Huang.

Huang is known to be the Jhessan's favorite designer; Her Hotness is said to love the fashionista's simple elegance.

While the Imperial Palace has not yet released the date of the ceremony, it is thought that the wedding will be held on either Valentine's Day or the Vernal Equinox.

Meet some of the faces in the next Kennyite Congress!

PARADISE CITY, Omigodtheykilledkenny --- Last month Kennyite voters made a bold choice when they kinda-sorta-maybe said that the current Conservative leadership of Congress was OK, they guessed, and gave the ruling party a tiny 321-314 majority in the next Assembly. The slim Conservative majority in the Senate remains unchanged. But perhaps the real story of the elections was the quality of the candidates that ran -- and in many cases, won. Let's just say that most of them probably wouldn't even qualify for the Palentine's infamous ambassador-exchange program. There was much public outcry against them; fistfights actually broke out on the sets of cable-news shows over their awfulness; there was even a court challenge filed against them. But they stood firm and emerged victorious. The fact that they could win at all, even in Omigodtheykilledkenny, is perhaps the most remarkable thing. Here are a few profiles of some of the more, erm, "interesting" players we will be seeing in the Snakepit later this month:

The Leader

The Federal Republic's next Speaker has always been a real go-getter -- even if also a somewhat creepy sycophant. People around him have somehow always known he would one day succeed. In high school he was unanimously voted "Biggest Suckup." Indeed, Hawkins has always had a knack for knowing whose @ss to kiss to get what he wants (besides obviously his wife's). He took a real gamble when he chose then-Vice President Sammy Faisano in 2010, but it paid off. By 2015, the young congressman was able to take over the Assembly's Conservative faction and lead it to victory. Kind of. He had a majority of just 319 seats to work with, and unfortunately for him, two of them would die right before the new Congress was called into session. With neither party having an outright majority, Hawkins and the Assembly's veteran Liberal leader, Jim Hankley, came to an odd sort of "shotgun-rule" arrangement, whereby whoever called it first on their way to the Assembly chamber would be acting speaker for that day. This of course meant that if Hankley took over for one day, he could easily sink bills that Hawkins liked, or advance legislation he hated -- at least until Hawkins was able to steal control back. Hawkins has stuck it out, and as a result has finally been rewarded by the voting public. A little. He still has a perilous majority, but at least it's one that could survive a couple freak deaths on opening day. And that's something.

The Pink Protester

Perhaps the most colorful member of the new Senate's small freshman class is Colorado Island's notorious rogue activist who always insists on wearing pink. One of the youngest women ever elected to the upper chamber of Congress, Kristen Sonoma (photo below) has always been driven by a desire to bring about and effect change. However, she became dismayed at how little one could actually accomplish screaming like a banshee in Senate committee hearings. So she decided to start screaming like a banshee on the campaign trail. She's really good at it, too, particularly while being dragged off in handcuffs. It was rumored that Sonoma was bringing cops to her rallies for the express purpose of arresting her so she could put on a show. Agree or disagree with her tactics, they worked. Colorado Islanders were apparently quite pleased with her performance, so now we have the unique opportunity to see how she performs on the dais of committee chambers, instead of in the back of them.

Armchair Warrior

We might have put this one higher up in this article, but this is hardly the first time this character has appeared. That's right, everyone's favorite neocon is back: Erica Dolittle (photo above), the famed "Army brat" who never fought a war in her life but is only too willing to go on cable TV and push for sending real troops abroad to their potential deaths. The former ambassador to Zarquon Froods, Dolittle was said to have been considered as the Federal Republic's top diplomat at the WA -- if the international body ever got its act together. (Stop laughing.) Instead, she's going to the Federal Assembly, having been elected on a staunch, unwavering "Invade Everywhere!" platform. She even insisted on the trail, "Those sh!thole countries don't even know what's coming!" It reportedly made Cory Booker cry tears of rage. Probably the main reason she won.

'Blunder Woman'

Everyone is convinced the new assemblywoman-elect from Nessie is out of her mind, from critics and TV talking heads to even her own supporters and donors. Why? Because she is convinced she is a certain popular female superhero from the comic books. As one could imagine, her candidacy has been quite controversial, especially since Lovelace is never seen out of her iconic red and blue costume, even during campaign events and a recent trip to Paradise City for orientation. On the night of her primary win (her opponent had been #MeToo'd at the mast minute and tanked), Liberal candidate Nathan Filcher was said to be ecstatic over his impending general-election victory. His staffers were literally popping champagne corks at campaign headquarters. Then came the debate. As Filcher continued to laugh at and mock his opponent, he actually challenged her to prove she was who she said she was, and apprehend a criminal for him. However, Filcher forgot that he was under investigation for tax fraud, making him the nearest criminal suspect. Lovelace pulled out her lasso of truth, ensnared him, and dragged him all the way across the stage to her bust. Perhaps to demonstrate that the lasso actually worked, Filcher caught a look at her goods and exclaimed, "Damn, those are huge!" Needless to say, Lovelace is the one laughing now.

'Real-life Superhero'

At 20, he will be the youngest member of the new Congress, but that is not why he is famous. For he has already made quite a name for himself, as Thoringrad's very own masked vigilante, "Phoenix Rising." No, he does not have superpowers. The amateur MMA fighter mostly participates in crowd control, informing the community about at-large crime suspects, and intervening in street assaults and petty crimes. But he does it all in costume. And just like with fictional superheroes, Fernandez's efforts have not always been appreciated. A woman he rescued from an assault later sued him, claiming he groped her. Security cameras proved her wrong. And his occasional progressive streak has not always been a big crowd-pleaser. On one occasion, while he and a group of friends were trying to save a small pod of dolphins that had washed up on a local beach, some of the bystanders could actually be heard yelling, "THEY'RE DOLPHINS! JUST LET THEM DIIIEEEEEE!!" There was also that time he took down the notorious supervillain Greedy McSlim, who had developed an atmospheric device to accelerate global warming so he could make a killing off beachfront property in Vermont. No, wait; that was last month's issue of "The Amazing Goatboy." No matter. The point is, now that Fernandez is a Federal Assemblyman, he may be able to tackle climate change head-on (which corporate-sponsored congressman are always loathe to do). Let's see how he does.

'Young and Dumb'

His opposition thought they had a winner when they coined the sarcastic slogan for his campaign, "Young and Dumb 2018!" Yet somehow the green and woefully inexperienced Bradley Wheeler turned it right back around on the Liberals. "When you think about it, everyone's all into representation these days. Well, who's representing the dumb guys?!" he asked during a rally. It was not the only issue Wheeler had opinions about. When he began his campaign he told his supporters he wasn't really looking forward to going to "the Assembly," because, as he put it, "I'm not very good at putting things together...but I'll give it my best shot!" Then came: "Everytime you log onto social media you're bombarded with a bunch of crap about intersectionality and transgender bathrooms. What happened to the issues that actually matter, like the metric system? Now, the Metrics have been giving the Imperials a lot of sh!t lately, but I don't think we've given this a lot of thought. Because as we all know, the San Andreas Imperials have the best offensive tackle we've seen in decades, and if the Metrics think they can do better, let them prove it on the field! But until then, they should stop with the trash-talk!" Needless to say, the Liberals had no idea how to respond to such fresh political insight, and lost the election.

The Wild Card

There's little telling just where this one is going to end up on any given day -- it is said her own party leadership is nervous about whipping her in the new Federal Assembly, unpredictable and erratic as she is. And, belonging to as many categories as she does, being Mexican, Asian, indigenous, lesbian, intergender, atheist, revolutionary socialist and completely insane. But there was one good thing about her candidacy: she ticked off so many requisite diversity boxes that Liberal congressional recruiters were able to breathe a sigh of relief and just run boring, inoffensive white guys throughout the rest of the state. A darker and much more intense version of Kristen Sonoma, Gomez-Tan is a staunch practitioner of identity politics, and is particularly obnoxious when it comes to cultural appropriation and "representation." She sparked controversy when during a magazine interview she slammed President Faisano as a "pretend brown dude," explaining herself thusly: "He just acts so freakin' white all the time, it makes my skin crawl." Conservative assemblymen have already called for her to be censured for racism, practically on her way through the Assembly doors. But if there's one thing Gomez-Tan knows how to do, it's intimidate white guys into silence.

'Let's no longer make RWP great again!'

DUMONT d'URVILLE, Retired WerePenguins --- After several years of "Frighteningly efficient WerePenguinian economy," which was completely ignored by the media, a highly successful immigration policy that stopped illegal immigrants from fouling up the nation, and nonstop investigations about some alleged Kennyite collusion, the national elections were seen as an afterthought to the regular, exceptionally boring news cycle. The Bigtopian Lives Matter party won the plurality in at least two of the cycles of congress and as a result managed to get a coalition together that will take effect at the start of next year. Spring Session Speaker Baron Black-Blonde has promised that they will, once again, start looking into various allegations of the retiring Faithful Navigator, Baron Blonde.

Senatorial elections, on the other hand, went without any incident this time and all the officers managed to move up in their positions. RWPO Baron Blonde will be assuming the mostly symbolic position of Admiral. The number one position in the nation will be assumed by RWPO George H.W. Blonde Brown, a fourth generation WerePenguin.

In the past George H.W. Blonde Brown has been known for making derogatory comments about the way Baron Blonde ran the country, suggesting that it was "voodoo economics." In addition, while the military has been adequately funded, it really hasn't been involved in any conflicts of late. "We really need to start seeing some explosions," he was recently quoted as saying. "I’m sure we could really field a good BombBall squad if we worked hard at it."

Another interesting change may be in the priorities of the military. Up until now, most, if not all of the officers in chair positions came from the original service of the nation, the navy. George H.W. Blonde Brown, however, comes from the air force, derisively known as the "chair force" by the navy. While their technical position is somewhere between the navy and the space force (literally), they have often been on the bottom of the funding chain.

This may prove impossible to implement as Spring Session Speaker Baron Black-Blonde has promised making both military and police budget cuts his second highest priority (second only to impeachment proceedings against whomever he doesn't particularly like). They clearly do not have the necessary votes to implement their proposed tax increases, given the statement of the incoming Navigator, "read my lips; no new taxes!" This may result in a constitutional crisis or it may result in an even greater economy, since everyone knows that whenever Congress acts, the economy nosedives.

The Imperial State comes roaring back with (literally) explosive reports

BombBall season starts; nation rares for extra-violent matches

NEW IMPERIAL CITY, The Imperial State (New Imperial Times) --- Folks, it's that time of year again, where the whole neighborhood gathers around your beautiful General Products Plasma TV (the best money can buy!) and watches the nation's favorite sport...BombBall! Recently we saw some incredible games, with the Samston Genocidals triumphing over the SoCal Border Patrol in the last 30 seconds of the game, with an incredibly accurate airstrike on a Skyrim hospital! The ensuing fireball also caused damage at a nearby WA Facility, warranting the extra points. As the new season starts, the annual parade of hippie wimps complaining about BombBall's "fascist message" or "sanctioning of warcrimes" has already started. Of course, they'll be packed into a stadium for next week's game between the Northern Territory Rebels and the Gennosa War Criminals! Triple points to whoever nails em!

The Imperial American PATRIOT Act passes unanimously

WASHINGTON --- Folks, today is a great day for law and order in our beleaguered Imperial States of America! Following last week's riots at the hands of riled up political factions, as well as recent attacks by rebel forces and a growing crime wave, the Emperor signed the Imperial American PATRIOT Act after it was unanimously passed by the Military-Conglomerate Chamber. Reports that the Act only passed thanks to intimidation by the Emperor are fake news!

The Act takes a number of precautionary measures to protect our freedoms and liberties. Following its passage, the "right" to protest military actions has been rendered null and void. The "right" to demean the Emperor or the Imperial Family in any way, for any reason, is rendered null and void. The "right" for more than a dozen people to muster on public property without a permit is rendered null and void. The "right" to practice hate speech against the military, law enforcement, or veterans is null and void. The "right" to bear unregistered firearms will be null and void. The writ of habeas corpus is suspended indefinitely.

Although fake news spread by anarchist aggressor-traitors and foreign outlets will claim that the Imperial American PATRIOT Act suspends "basic liberties," this isn't true! We're preserving your freedom, and our Way of Life! Report any opponents of the Act to the Inquisition immediately! Report any violations of the Act immediately! God Bless the Emperor, and God Bless the Imperial States of America, a Nation Reborn!

Caroline and Melissa Miller rescued from rebels

NEW IMPERIAL CITY --- After a harrowing 72 hours, Imperial citizens Caroline and Melissa Miller have been rescued from the dastardly rebels who would destroy our Holy Empire! Our brave boys in uniform rescued the mother-daughter pair with maximum collateral damage, to the joy of millions of our citizens! The Emperor personally welcomed the two home, and promised to eradicate the rebel menace once and for all! We here at the New Imperial Times are confident that our Holy Protector will do what needs to be done! GOD BLESS THE EMPEROR! GOD BLESS THE EMPIRE!

For more awesome news stories like these, check out the Polar Picayune newswire, available only on the AO forum.