by Max Barry

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«12. . .4,1544,1554,1564,1574,1584,1594,160. . .5,0515,052»

Brocklandia wrote:One drink heavy on the black raspberry liquor.

"Never snows" ...? That means you're either from Hell or Dallas. Texas has towns by both names, so I suppose you could just pick one ... or commute if you can't decide.

Oh, I think you're thinking of the wrong Hell. The one in Texas has seven cattle horns on its seal. The one you're thinking of with the demons is a little warmer. Those demons seldom come here because, contrary to what the Bible-thumpers claim, demons from that Hell never drink win or beer. The alcohol burns away too quickly, you know.

East lodge wrote:Hello.

King Logan XIV: Greetings, why'd you try running off.

Brocklandia wrote:The poison might even make it healthier.

True. The Bar on the Corner of Every Region, eat here if you're suicidal!

Drunkndisorderly wrote:The Bar welcomes all of our new embassies. 2 free barf bags with every order of "food" 50 cents per each additional

Not to mention free coffins if you die! I think they'll even cater your wake, which a good way to take as many people with you as you can.

Gas station Sushi
Three days past expiration
Puking in restroom

Mindon wrote:Not to mention free coffins if you die! I think they'll even cater your wake, which a good way to take as many people with you as you can.

Now hold on. We'll be happy to cater the wakes, but they're on their own for coffins. If they're having trouble affording their funeral arrangements, we have some leftover cardboard boxes in the stockroom.

Brocklandia wrote:Now hold on. We'll be happy to cater the wakes, but they're on their own for coffins. If they're having trouble affording their funeral arrangements, we have some leftover cardboard boxes in the stockroom.

A look of confusion crosses their face and they lean over discreetly.

Ya know, Cheffy's pot? Called the coffin so people don't get their panties in a twist or ring up the health inspectors? That's what we use to cater the wakes too, right? What better way to celebrate the usefulness of your life and eventual corpse?

Brocklandia wrote:Now hold on. We'll be happy to cater the wakes, but they're on their own for coffins. If they're having trouble affording their funeral arrangements, we have some leftover cardboard boxes in the stockroom.

but remember Zombie has first dibs. A Zombie has gotta eat

East lodge

Ptolemaicia wrote:King Logan XIV: Greetings, why'd you try running off.

... um

*poof*

Zany Zanes wrote:A look of confusion crosses their face and they lean over discreetly.

Ya know, Cheffy's pot? Called the coffin so people don't get their panties in a twist or ring up the health inspectors? That's what we use to cater the wakes too, right? What better way to celebrate the usefulness of your life and eventual corpse?

According to those pesky health inspectors, we can't call the meat locker a "morgue" and we can't call Cheffy's pots "coffins." Now, normally the health inspectors meet mysterious fates and are never heard from again, but we have to at least appear to play by the rules ... so that we can catch them off-guard. It's no fun if they're wary in advance.

Zany Zanes and East lodge

Brocklandia wrote:According to those pesky health inspectors, we can't call the meat locker a "morgue" and we can't call Cheffy's pots "coffins." Now, normally the health inspectors meet mysterious fates and are never heard from again, but we have to at least appear to play by the rules ... so that we can catch them off-guard. It's no fun if they're wary in advance.

Totally
*steals King Logan's drink*

Now let's see those poems!

Drunkndisorderly wrote:but remember Zombie has first dibs. A Zombie has gotta eat

I wasn't aware that we could stop the zombies from eating? That's kind of what zombies do ... that, and shambling.

Zombie Penguins and East lodge

East lodge

2nd Place!

Mindon wrote:My submission:

Prepares the poison
Drops it all right in the pot
No difference made

Zany Zanes wrote:

I tried the special,
I don't remember it well,
Won't try it again.

1ST PLACE WOO ZANY

Brocklandia wrote:Bribery works well
to win the poetry contest.
Saves the judge's spleen

Compared to eating
the special ... or anything else.
Our food? Hazardous.

...
... Nevermind screw that this is first place...
*holds side in fear*

East lodge wrote:2nd Place!
1ST PLACE WOO ZANY
...
... Nevermind screw that this is first place...
*holds side in fear*

No one was given Third Place? Fraud! The election was stolen from me! I demand a recount!

Zany Zanes and East lodge

Brocklandia wrote:No one was given Third Place? Fraud! The election was stolen from me! I demand a recount!

Well... you were going to get third place buuutt... it was too meterically perfect and dont take my spleen phonetically poetic

East lodge wrote:Well... you were going to get third place buuutt... it was too meterically perfect and dont take my spleen phonetically poetic

Well, all right. I promised a "gratuity" of a plate of chocolate chip cookies, and here it is. By the way, do you consider a bride of cookies to be ironic in a poetry contest about food poisoning?

C'mon, eat up, before Cheffy finds out I stole the cookies from the kitchen.

Zombie Penguins, Zany Zanes, and East lodge

Brocklandia wrote:Well, all right. I promised a "gratuity" of a plate of chocolate chip cookies, and here it is. By the way, do you consider a bride of cookies to be ironic in a poetry contest about food poisoning?

C'mon, eat up, before Cheffy finds out I stole the cookies from the kitchen.

...
Is this poisioned?

Only one way to find out
*noms all the cookies*

East lodge wrote:...
Is this poisioned?
Only one way to find out
*noms all the cookies*

Heh. Define "poisoned."

Zombie Penguins, Zany Zanes, and East lodge

What's this!?
Someone cloaked in red and white rides a pure white horse into the bar. Muttering under the hood, the horse is forced to back out and into the stables. Soon after, the figure appears again and is soon seated at the bar.
"Heloo there!" says the evidently female person, taking of her hood.
Hm.
After taking a quick look at the menu, she says, "I'll take the nectar, please" to Zombie Penguins (thought they were a bartender?) in an overly posh accent.
The entire bar falls silent.

Post self-deleted by Mindon.

The Raven Morocco Islands wrote:After taking a quick look at the menu, she says, "I'll take the nectar, please" to Zombie Penguins (thought they were a bartender?) in an overly posh accent.
The entire bar falls silent.

*The penguin looks up from scrubbing the bar with a gerbil* Nectar can be dangerous. *The penguin signals to a zombie to bring over the drink* But what's life without risk.

Brocklandia wrote:Heh. Define "poisoned."

*falls over*

Brocklandia wrote:Now hold on. We'll be happy to cater the wakes, but they're on their own for coffins. If they're having trouble affording their funeral arrangements, we have some leftover cardboard boxes in the stockroom.

Whoops. My mistake. Oh well, not like anyone trying to claim a free coffin will be able to complain. Except the families but those can be taken care of.

The Raven Morocco Islands wrote:What's this!?
Someone cloaked in red and white rides a pure white horse into the bar. Muttering under the hood, the horse is forced to back out and into the stables. Soon after, the figure appears again and is soon seated at the bar.
"Heloo there!" says the evidently female person, taking of her hood.
Hm.
After taking a quick look at the menu, she says, "I'll take the nectar, please" to Zombie Penguins (thought they were a bartender?) in an overly posh accent.
The entire bar falls silent.

Well, looks like I get to see the effects of nectar on... whatever you are. It's hard to tell under the hood.

Zany Zanes and East lodge

East lodge

*poofs into the room*
H e l l o there

The Raven Morocco Islands wrote:

After taking a quick look at the menu, she says, "I'll take the nectar, please"

Loud and unexplainable noises are heard from the kitchen, like chanting and a kraken cowering in fear.
This goes on for about an hour and drives all but the bravest guests out of the bar.
The bartender walks out, drink in hand.
The drink itself is of a neon purple color, giving off a faint aura.
If one get close to it, can hear whispers of the damned as it fizzes.
Some of the fizz drips and hits the ground, melting spots of the floor like acid.

The shadow groans, resting their head on their arms.

Why the Nectar? I already have a headache.

East lodge wrote:*poofs into the room*
H e l l o there

Looks back up unfazed.

And how was your trip? Need a drink?

East lodge

East lodge wrote:*falls over*

Well, that's one definition of "poisoned." Now we just have to measure the degree of fatality.

Mindon wrote:Whoops. My mistake. Oh well, not like anyone trying to claim a free coffin will be able to complain. Except the families but those can be taken care of.

Absolutely! If the families eat the food that we cater to the wakes, they'll certainly be "taken care of." ... Uhm, how many bodies can we wedge into each coffin? We might have an overflow situation on our hands.

«12. . .4,1544,1554,1564,1574,1584,1594,160. . .5,0515,052»

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