by Max Barry

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Compliance: First: Nelvana iii top 0.2%. Second: Yannia top 2%. Third: The Choir Boy top 4% … Middle: Loveboys top 22% … Last: Pencil Sharpeners bottom 0% (14th from bottom in the world)

In Barely True, the government has officially clarified that "wee on your hands to save time" does not count as proper hygiene.

In The Nude Beach, pet owners must make a payment if their charges leave a deposit.

Hundreds of thousands of convicts work as slaves in Dancing Dragons’s many privately-owned prisons.

If privately-owned prisons had a take away and a salad bar, I think it would be worth visiting.

2 hours ago: Gayeers ceased to exist.

This is sad. I liked your flag, Gayeers.

Tuesday is Trivia Showdown Night at Tommy’s Bar

Here is your bonus question for a free milk and honey …

Who has sadly ceased to exist?

a) Boris Johnson

b) Vladimir Putin

c) Gayeers

Sal will know if she looks in the Book of Answers. Whisper your answer in her ear. Ta.

public service announcement

Friends of Dorothy wrote:Who has sadly ceased to exist?

a) Boris Johnson
b) Vladimir Putin
c) Gayeers

I so wish it was b), but alas, it's c)...

Friends of Dorothy wrote:I am an innocent in these matters and hate the idea of loneliness. Why is a top lonely and a bottom not?

Good question. One would assume one wouldn´t make much sense without the other. It´s a pretty dialectic thing, innit ?
Champions of solitude, like yours truly, don´t talk about that sort of matters either. Too much information.

TranSexy wrote:If privately-owned prisons had a take away and a salad bar, I think it would be worth visiting.

They live a life of elegance and luxury there, actually. Slave labour indeed, but they learn how to make lace and to hand paint porcelain in fine pastoral themes. They enter the system as convicted felons and leave as ladies and gentlemen.
It´s the Dancing Dragons Correctional System. Expect nothing less than that.
Let me show you.
*lifts an umbrella*
Follow me, visitors !

****
Speaking of visitors, Lisbon is positively swarming with tourists these days, especially downtown. Sometimes I feel like I´m playing a part in a tableau vivant.

Wasn´t paying much attention, coming around after a weekend-long, honey latte-induced stupor. Dancing Dragons reached the 20,000 billion population mark.
Congratulations to me. Yay...
No one´s going to throw a party for me. Wouldn´t bet my shirt on it. After all this is Nudist Dreamland. Not many people wear clothes around here.
No wonder the editors at the Literary Tommy Supplement and the The New York Tommy turned down those titalling pictures of myself in a risqué bathing suit.
"Sorry, babe. This is Nudist Dreamland. Your pictures are hardly page three material."

So...it´s business as usual at Tommy´s. Not much left to do but to be a most charming hostess, welcoming the regulars. like Pope Frankie and such.
"Top of the morning to you, Your Holiness. How ecumenical are we feeling today ?"

Used to sing songs for the lost and the lonely, crawling on the grand piano. But the cats are huge critics and they undermined all the confidence I had in my artistic abilities.

"Boo !"
"Don´t give up your day job !"

"This is my day job !", I replied
(They´re not very smart)
...but the damage was done.

Wadelhelpia wrote:I so wish it was b), but alas, it's c)...

c) is the right answer. That’s a large milk and honey for Wadelhelpia, please barman cutie. Great guess!

Maybe if we have a funeral for Gayeers that will spark him back into life. It’s worked before.

Dancing Dragons wrote:Good question. One would assume one wouldn´t make much sense without the other. It´s a pretty dialectic thing, innit ?
Champions of solitude, like yours truly, don´t talk about that sort of matters either. Too much information.

There is never too much information in the gay romance section of Tommy’s Books. So chaste. I’ve written several letters of complaint about this but to no avail.

Friends of Dorothy wrote:

There is never too much information in the gay romance section of Tommy’s Books. So chaste. I’ve written several letters of complaint about this but to no avail.

Sorry to hear that. Means you can´t read If It Ain´t Broke, Don´t Fix It, the juicy memoirs of Lady Lace de Luna. She´s Lady Laura´s pre-op transexual aunt.

It sold out. Lady Laura bought all copies and had them burned. There was a massive row at Chateau Mondragón, as Lady Lace protested vehemently.

"Give me back my book, you silly girl ! I only have one boyfriend and you know it !"

"The Royal Dancing Dragons Marine Corps. I know that, auntie Lace. You´re a royal. Don´t the words Excellence, Dignity, Restraint mean anything to you??"

"I excel at what I do, child. And I love it when they put me in restraints.
I leave the dignity to prudes like you."

"Please, auntie Lace. Not in front of the servants."

The servants giggled. It didn´t go unnoticed to Lady Laura.

"Aunt Lace, you should go to your room now. You are tired and emotional. And it isn´t even noon."

She turned to the servants.
"I´ll deal with you lot later."

The servants then jumped up and down and high fived each other and squealed like piggies!

Inclusiveness: First: Nelvana iii top 0.006%. Second: Yannia top 0.2%. Third: Pabloh top 0.3% … Middle: Socialcity republic top 10% … Last: Grave raven bottom 0%

In Dancing Dragons, tumbleweed drifts through the nation's shopping centres during the weekends.

In Iantopiia, children grow up long before the paperwork for their lemonade stands can be sorted out.

In Nudesia, praying before a battle is a court-martial offence.

"Four observations from Germany’s 1-1 draw with England in the UEFA Nations League
Germany got robbed by UEFA officials and England escaped with a draw in a game where they were thoroughly out classed. Here are the observations from this match"

I know it comes from a German website, but I watched the match and I rather agree with them.

https://www.bavarianfootballworks.com/2022/6/7/23158638/observations-germany-england-the-uefa-nations-league-flick-muller-kane-schlotterbeck-havertz-neuer

Och well, sweetie. I’m not a big England fan, but it’s only the Nations League and it’s hard to feel sorry for Germany. I’m about to watch Scotland v Armenia.

Scotland win 2-0. How exciting is that !

Average Income of Poor: First: Nelvana iii top 0.08%. Second: Yannia top 0.3%. Third: The Nude Beach top 0.8% … Middle: Dancing Dragons top 27% … Last: Pencil Sharpeners bottom 0% (LAST in the world)

In Rainbow Beach, captains must wait until all rats are safe before jumping ship.

In TranSexy, Air Transexy is rumoured to receive more government funding than the Transylvanian Air Force.

In Iantopiia, jaywalking is punishable by public flogging.

Friends of Dorothy wrote:Scotland win 2-0. How exciting is that !

I´m happy for you. Happy for Scotland as well. Land of haunted castles. It´s my dream European country after Austria, Italy and Switzerland.

Harry Kane´s debatable penalty certainly ruined the famous "Football is a simple game. Twenty-two men chase a ball for 90 minutes and at the end, the Germans always win" line.

And speaking of lines, here´s a couple of situations Nudist Dreamlanders never fall into.

All dressed up with nowhere to go. An unlikely scenario. We just go to Tommy´s, clothed or unclothed.
To get caught with your pants down. This one is quite beneath us.

And how can one forget

Why don´t you pour the wine while I slip into something more comfortable ?

The most widely accepted definitions for it I´ve seen on Google are :
- "A phrase usually used seductively to indicate one's intentions to a prospective sexual partner."
- "To wear something suitable to be stripped off by a lover."

I don´t have a lover in my life, nor do I need one. Does that deter me ? Absolutely not. I slip right into it and indulge myself. Just think of the grand and beautiful things you can devote your time and energy to when you´re alone.
Being aromantic/not being sexually attracted to anyone is an immensily liberating feeling. Having no one to answer to emotionally is bliss.

Without my dear partner I would be bereft of essential IT support. If I can’t get into the Guardian site in the morning, he knows exactly how to turn the iPad off and turn it back on again. If a thing goes awry with the television, there is no television till he gets home. He is also useful in other ways.

Perhaps the iPad/television malfunction is a ruse. They get a kick out of watching you depending on Mr. Partner for tech help.
Machines will take over the world one day, you know.

BREAKING NEWS: It is FRIDAY !!!

Get to Tommy’s NOW !!!

Manufacturing: First: The Choir Boy top 0.9%. Second: Grave raven top 1%. Third: Big epic nation top 5% … Middle: Pride-Month- bottom 23% … Last: Pabloh bottom 2%

Teahead Joyride’s children are widely acknowledged as the most foul-mouthed in the region.

In Nudesia, gambling is outlawed.

In Yannia, all the playground's a stage for Yannian schoolchildren.

🎵 He will then be reborn
From 1970's porn
Wearing tubesocks with style
And such an innocent smile

Better pray for your sins
Better pray for your sins
'cause the gay messiah's coming
🎵

Yes boys and girls, that’s Rufus Wainwright in the Theatre Upstairs this afternoon. Places are strictly limited so book your tickets now.

This evening Gay Parrot sings Céline Dion. Pour que tu m’aimes encore …

Je me changerai en or pour que tu m´aimes encore.

Pour que tu m'aimes encore
Pour que tu m'aimes encore
Pour que tu m'aimes encore
Pour que tu m'aimes encore ♪

Sweetes, I have known heartbreak. That song says it all. I am weeping.

Then when it gets dark the Yannsborg Citadel fireworks light up the sky, followed by wild dancing on the dunes.

Happy Friday. Get to Tommy’s NOW !!!

Portugal 2 Czech Republic 0

Don't forget fireworks and wild dancing!
Dirk the guards captain is on duty tonight, but some of his friends are coming anyway, and prof Van Stápël is coming too.

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