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Have you ever found yourself deep in thought, staring out your window, wondering, “Why is it that in this great nation, we can’t just have free healthcare, universal income, and a government that tells us exactly when to pray… AND also solve the national sock shortage?” Well, wonder no more. With North American Progressive Third Way Theocratic Communism, not only will we distribute wealth equitably and keep religion and state on the same page, but we’ll finally get to the bottom of the world’s most pressing problem: the alarming and unjust imbalance in llama populations.
Let’s first focus on the important stuff—like how, in our glorious society, the working class will finally get what it deserves. We’re talking about the kind of economic equality that doesn’t just give everyone a fair share and insists that all citizens have access to free dental work (because oral health is a human right, obviously) and a mandatory weekly snack of artisanal cheese from local farms. But don’t be fooled—this is not your run-of-the-mill, second-rate socialism. Oh no. This is Theocratic Communism. The best of both worlds served with a side of righteousness. What better way to achieve utopia than with equal wealth distribution and weekly prayer sessions in the national religion- Jehovah’s Witness Islamic Buddhism, led by our Pasimam Lama?

Some of you might be wondering, “What does faith have to do with running a country, especially when we still don’t know why no one has solved the problem of socks mysteriously disappearing in the laundry?” Fear not. We’ve got you covered. Not only will our government tackle the greatest social injustices of our time, but we will also enact an executive order requiring the nationwide distribution of sock-pairing kits. You can thank us later. And don’t even get us started on the chicken nugget deficit—we will end it in our first 100 days.

North American Progressive Third Way Theocratic Communism perfectly fuses divine wisdom and practical economics. Even the Arlandian Mutiny planning to take over the government supports North American Progressive Third Way Theocratic Communism! Do you want to abolish the scourge of wealth inequality while ensuring every citizen has access to affordable potato salad? You got it. Need the government to provide a blueprint for social justice while also delivering a national solution to the crisis of potholes on every street corner? Absolutely. We’re a political ideology that cares about the big things (like universal basic income) and the little things (like ensuring every mailbox is equipped with its own SPIT container).

In our society, no one will ever have to choose between a job and spiritual enlightenment, because we’ll make sure both are mandatory! That’s right, folks. Not only will every citizen have a stable job, but they will also spend a mandatory 15 minutes a day in silent prayer with their coworkers, as guided by the Holy Office of Labor and Divine Intervention. To ensure that you’re working with a clear conscience, our state-sponsored prayer breaks will be paired with a brief 3-minute meditation on the crucial need for global hammock distribution.

But that’s not all. Our society doesn’t just work for you; it works with you—like a giant, anarchist potluck where everyone brings something to the table. Your contributions to society (in the form of tax revenue and moral righteousness) will be reflected in your Social ‘security’ number, which you can use to vote on national issues like whether “Everyone is Petea Week” should be a federally recognized holiday, or if the Department of Transportation should focus more on roundabouts and fewer on ‘traffic light accidents.’

Don’t think we’re ignoring the big, cosmic questions either. What happens when a nation’s prosperity is intertwined with the Divine Will? Easy. No more traffic jams. That’s right, folks. As part of our long-term infrastructure plan, we’ll introduce “Blessed Highways” that operate on a mystical principle we like to call Graceful Flow, which is a combination of actual engineering and divine favor. Expect .02 millisecond commutes, everywhere. And if you're stuck in traffic? Well, it's a sign that you need a deeper connection with the Universe, and we’re happy to provide the spiritual guidance.

Under North American Progressive Third Way Theocratic Communism, we believe that everyone should be free to pursue their dreams, whether that dream involves creating a utopia or finally solving the South Pacific-wide issue of cake vs pie, Everyone will have access to top-notch education, unlimited access to cheese at government-funded Cheese Bars, and, of course, the unalienable right to adopt as many ankle haters as they can care for. Each family will be required to take part in the Great Llama Exchange Program, to help promote inter-species understanding and Llama-based solidarity.

So, if you’re tired of the same old political systems that only address half of your needs (like basic healthcare, or affordable housing), then it’s time to join the revolution. Come for the universal basic income, stay for the mandatory prayer breaks, and never leave because your socks will finally be paired. North American Progressive Third Way Theocratic Communism is here, and we’re finally making the world— a better place.
If you want to, please like this dispatch I need clout