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DispatchFactbookMiscellaneous

by The Nifty Republic of Tzorsland. . 22 reads.

An Interview with The Master, leader of The Nifty Republic of Tzorsland

I’m speaking to “The Master,” the current leader of “The Nifty Republic of Tzorsland.” Thank you for granting us this interview.

I am the Master and you will obey me.

Yes, that’s nice and kind of cute, but I’m a professional reporter and Jedi mind tricks won’t affect me.

I am a renegade Time Lord, not a Jedi, but I suppose genre jumping is acceptable in this interview. Did I mention I have a tissue compression eliminator? So if you don’t want to look like a Ken Doll I would suggest a proper tone of voice to this interview.

Note to self, next time do interviews in the stranger’s bar. So can you tell us a little about how you became the ultimate ruler of a nation of almost twenty-two billion people in the constellation of the Pleiades?

The nation of Tzorsland was an old primitive nation on a subcontinent of a planet located around an ordinary and generally plain star. The nation originally was founded by the son of some King who had gotten his eye shot out with a bow on some small island nation many miles away. He ruled a portion of the sub-continent along with other regional rulers until a renegade band of Franciscan Friars invaded the kingdom, whacked the ruler with a loaf of stale St. Anthony’s bread and took over.

Fast forward a few hundred years and a very god friend of mine, also a renegade Time Lord by the name of the Meddling Monk, decided to take over the joint. He convinced the friars that a “monk” would be the perfect leader of the growing nation and he invited me and The Rani in to organize the new government. We brought the nation into the world governing body at the time, and this frustrated the Franciscans. In time the Meddling Monk got bored and The Rani left and so I was in charge of running this extremely powerful nation. In time, we got tired of the planet and took all our major cities and using Spin Dizzy technology left the planet for the constellation of the Pleiades, where mineral resources are very plentiful.

What is the “Tzorsland Puppet Federation” and what is your role in it?

The Tzorsland Puppet Federation began when The Rani attempted to extract, unsuccessfully, the secret to the exploding penguins of the Antarctic. This attempt involved using a lycanthrope rat/human from a relatively unknown world known as “Nehwon” and resulted in something called the WerePenguin. Originally incorporated into the Navy, they were given their own nation to retire when the nation of Ohmygodtheykilledkenny discovered the plot.

The next nation in the Federation was a result of finally giving the frustrated Franciscans a nation of their own, allowing the whole insanity of Christianity to leave the advanced developing nation state and allowing us to eventually adopt the Eye of Harmony Cult around me.

The third nation is still a mystery, even to me, but apparently, a small island nation where Blue Footed Boobies live and where the Bobbies wear blue boots and love Queen Victoria entered the Federation. Last and definitely least was the small enclave of Lord Lytton who tended to run around with an oversized pencil writing novels who established the generally secret nation of “A Running Man.”

Sounds rather strange and bizarre.

So are the effects of a tissue compression eliminator, if you get my meaning.

Ah yes, so changing the topic, what is your relation to the Old Farts?

Do you mean the “Old Guard?” Yes, somehow I was inducted into that elite organization.

And what exactly does that organization do?

You realize that if I told you I would have to kill you. I did tell you about the Tissue Compression Eliminator. How would this interview get posted onto the news wires? I really don’t like wasting time; I am a Time Lord after all.

And what are your accomplishments in the World Assembly?

Nothing.

I beg your pardon?

Well unless you count our ability to get Flash Blonde elected to the position of Delegate of the Antarctic Oasis by placing a temporal loop on the delegate selection process allowing the former leaders of that frozen nation to seduce the generally immortal Kennities. And the time we managed to get those Frustrated Franciscans to join the World Assembly, where they still continue to be condemned to the Festering Snake Pit to this very day.

We probably shouldn’t count those. So what is the state of your military these days?

Are you planning to invade us? I should note that we are currently not bound by any WA resolution on warfare. We have a fleet of a dozen Battlestars that maintains the security of the twenty some odd major Spin Dizzied Hyper Cities.

Well that is interesting. Oh my, the time has flown and I have to get this report to the press.

Well, don’t let the Daleks exterminate you on the way out.

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