Hi there!

It seems that you're trying to destroy the world, and as such, trying to destroy Glerica! I'm afraid I cannot allow this to happen, so I'm going to take just a second of your time to draw attention to the automated fighter ships coming to intercept your craft. I'm sure you'll see, there's quite a few of them!

I'm also gonna let you all in on a little secret... I'm initiating "Project: Hard Shell"!

Thanks for connecting!

>ACTIVATING SPLORT AMPLIFIERS. SPLORT AMPLIFIERS ENGAGED (2600) POWERING TO OPTIMUM POWER.
OPTIMUM POWER REACHED
GENERATING SPLORT FIELD... ... ... (100%)
ACTIVATE? CONFIRMED!
"PROJECT: HARD SHELL" INITIA-

*Transmission lost*

Glerican Splort Command, Silkisle

"What's that?"

"What is what, Doctor Rodgers?"

"That sound... like a... sucking sort of sound"

"I don't hear anythi-"

KABOOM!!!

"What the...?! Private?"

"Massive shock wave! Splort Core power down to 0.9%... the building has suffered heavy structural damage!"

"The Symyano have begun their attack?!"

"No, Doctor - it seems localised... well, not worldwide anyway."

"Activate auto-repair, try and get the power back up... Something has drained the core and I want to know what it was!"

"Doctor, one more thing... Glerica is gone!"

Hello viewers. The time is nine o'clock and I'm Trent Butterknife, bringing you the news here in Rhanukhan. Due to the ongoing technical difficulties with the OrbiTech Satellite Network we continue to broadcast only on local provincial transmitters and apologise for any reduction in quality.

Tonight's main headlines:

All Out War!: As many of you will be aware by now, the Symyano have engaged in a massive ground assault over the last 48 hours. Reports from the Rhanukhani State Space Station confirm that the entire alien fleet descended to the surface two days ago. This was evidently in response to a counter-attack by orbital weapons triggered by the invaders initiating a global bombardment.

All international communication is heavily disrupted at the moment, but fragments getting through suggest that all nations are engaged in the kind of large scale military activity observed here in Rhanukhan, with troops engaged in street-to-street fighting with the aliens while a massive civilian exodus into the surrounding countryside takes place.

The Rhanukhani military response has been decisive, with extensive deployment of troops supported by Doctor Peter Wallclock's gas-based weapon - which proved so effective during the previous Symyano offensive - and the mobilisation of large numbers of GBI-1 super soldiers. Provincial Governor, Constantine Malachite, has established his flying island of Lehpuhrta as a command and communications hub for our brave troops, ensuring an organised response to the invasion.

Dude, Where's my Country?: Further reports from observers on the Rhanukhani State Space Station sound almost too far-fetched to be believed, but photographic evidence backs them up. As you can see in this image, the nation of Glerica appears to have vanished from the face of the planet! Difficulties with international communication have made it impossible to confirm what has occurred, but scientists speculate that the Glericans' famous splort technology may have had a hand in events.

And finally: The Neue Nivogalese Volksarmee - a terrorist organisation that aims to declare the province of Currakhan an independent nation - has been sensationally exposed as a front for the Symyano! A team of agents from the Rhanukhani National Security Agency led by agent Delores Spicerack carried out a spectacular raid on a weapons drop yesterday and discovered that the supplier, one Gary Mantlepiece - ostensibly a courier from Kanghari province - was, in fact, a Symyano infiltrator! Several high-ranking members of the NNV were also arrested during the operation. They presently deny any knowledge of who they were working with, but the RNSA is expecting interrogations to prove very informative.

All the news and tomorrow's weather coming right after this break...

Excellent result in Currakhan, Ignatius!

It certainly was, Your Resplendence - our first confirmed Symyano captive - I imagine there's a lot he can tell us.

Use whatever means you consider necessary to get information out of him - we need every edge we can get against these invaders. hm... speaking of which... if you'll excuse me, Director, I have an incoming call I must take.

Of course, Your Resplendence.

*static*

Go ahead, Major Tumbledryer, this channel is secure.

Your Resplendence, Doctor Wallclock's serum is completed and our volunteer has arrived at the laboratory.

Good. We need AltSoldier out in the field a.s.a.p. I'm sure I don't need to tell you about what's been happening for the last couple of days!

Indeed not - we will commence the procedure imme- ah... excuse me, Your Resplendence - something requiring my immediate attention has just come up...

*static*

[Kanghari Main Laboratories]

What do you mean, GONE??!!!

Ah... we just checked the vault sir - the serum has been removed!

Wallclock! It had to be him! He's always been against the military - first he tried to stop us using his gas, now he's sabotaging the AltSoldier Project! Where is he?

Security reports that Doctor Wallclock departed the laboratory three hours ago, sir!

I trust security at least checked that he wasn't carrying anything out with him?

As with everybody, sir - Doctor Wallclock had nothing on his person!

Nothing on his person?... Oh no! He couldn't have! I want a full review of security footage from Wallclock's lab for the last twenty-four hours - now!!

Sir!

[Rural Kanghari]

Wiping out these inferior creatures close up on the ground is far more satisfying than sitting up in orbit, yes, Emandess?

Ha! Indeed it is Tessakohh! I could almost thank that traitor, Chonmiklatt, for creating this opportunity for us!

Heh! Quite - aha! There is another one!

What?! Oh no! Please - keep away!

Ah, fear - I do enjoy seeing this response in you inferior creatures!

I-I can't control it - nnngh! Stay back!

Hahahaha! Come, Tessakohh - it is quiet in these parts - let us torment this inferior creature before we-

GAAH! NOOOOOO!

*crrreeeak!* *snap!*

Er... this one seems to b- what in the name of the Highmaster?!

*grrroan!* *pop!*

GRRAAAAAARRGH!!!!!

Don't just stand there, you fool - open fiAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!!

EMANDESS!!!!

BLAFFFZZZZZZ!!!!!

BLAFFFZZZZZZ!!!!!

RRROOOAAAAARRRRRGH!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHH!!!!!

Captain Forthmagnet awoke with a start, his eyes gradually focussing on a dull aluminium wall, as they had every day for several weeks. As usual, he could not quite remember where he was, and set about piecing together the fragments of his memory.

I was on the bridge of the Plumbum Sky Hook, we were approaching Ego Island, searching for survivors.
Rockets from the shore, machine gun fire... I broke out the weapons... returned fire...
The ship sank... many dead... attackers disappeared...
The engineer... Robloads... he pulled me ashore... we explored... built a shelter... waited... weeks... no rescue... forgotten.
Finally an airship appeared... one of ours... but... they shot me...
And now here I am in this cell.

Suddenly, the window at the far side of the cell opened and his captor, Captain Maybell, switched on the intercom.

"Good morning, Captain Forthmagnet - I trust you are still well?"

"Cut the pleasantries. When are you going to let me out of here?"

"As I have informed you every morning since we brought you on board, you are in quarantine, captain. You will be released when we are satisfied that you are not carrying any infection."

"And how long will that take?"

"It's only been a few days, I'm sure you can cope with a few more."

"It's been months, Maybell, and you know it! I may have had a bang on the head, but I can still count!"

"We can't take any risks, I'm afraid. You might be a mutant. A few more weeks isolation, I think. Then we can turn you over for trial." Maybell said smugly.

"We've already been over this - you have nothing to try me for!"

"Of course we have, captain. The manslaughter of your crew."

"We were attacked with rockets and machine guns! Just go and look at the wreck of my ship. It's riddled with holes!"

"We've already examined your ship, and found just one hole, where you ran aground."

"You're a damn liar, Maybell! I'll have you court-martialled when I get out of here!"

Maybell smiled, "Good day, Captain. Speak to you again tomorrow", and slid the window shut.

Captain Forthmagnet slumped back against the bed. Every day was the same. Another argument with Maybell, then mind-numbing boredom for the rest of the day.

A buzzer sounded and a hatch underneath the window slid open. A plastic bowl of porridge sat in the hatch. Porridge for breakfast, just like yesterday, and the day before. He hated porridge.

Yesterday... or was it last week? No, yesterday... he'd built a scale model of the Plumbum Sky Hook out of porridge. It had fully rotating turrets and could fire raisins with an effective range of three metres. He'd stood on the bridge and sailed across the bedsheet ocean, back to Port Rhombus, where his lovely wife had given birth to a litter of piglets... No, wait... That was a dream.

He wondered, not for the first time, if he were going mad. How long had he been in this cell? He had been keeping a mental note at the beginning, but lost count somewhere around sixty days. Now it could be anything. Eighty, a hundred - who knew?

Just then a beeping came from the cell door. Someone was typing in the door code. The door slid open silently and a nervous-looking young man stood in the doorway.

"Erm... sir." he saluted.

Forthmagnet jumped up and looked at the man.

"Private", he said, returning the salute.

"Sir, I err... need your help!"

"How the hell did Vershner manage to maintain order with such a pathetic police force?" demanded President Vishni at the top of his voice. "Half of them are losing battles to a rabble of mindless rioters, and the other half are sat in their stations and refusing to do anything at all!"

"Mr President," began Claos Banchy, Chief of Police, "with all due respect, no one ever rebelled against President Vershner. Our force is just not used to dealing with organised insurgents. We're more of a caring police force. Our skills are more suited to finding lost children, coaxing cats out of trees, and making it really, really, difficult to drive anywhere."

"Well, it's time for a change!" Vishni leapt to his feet. "I want fresh new officers with fresh new weapons and a fresh new approach to brutally suppressing the populace!"

"Erm... sir..." Blanchy stumbled.

"I want you to go to every disreputable drinking house in this city and hire every thug, villain, and sadist you can find."

"but..."

"And then buy some weapons." Vishni opened his briefcase and took out a copy of Janet's Military Fetish magazine. He thumbed through the pages and opened it out on the small-arms top 10. "Yes, this will do nicely. Kermorvan Armaments' KA-47. Buy ten-thousand of those."

"err.. yes, sir.."

"And one more thing. New uniforms! Black, shiny leather. Skin tight. With knee-high boots. And peaked caps... and whips!"

"Whips, sir?"

"Yes... that should scare the rabble into submission. Yes... I can see it all now... " Vishni's eyes glazed over with a far away look.

"Umm..."

"Are you still here? What are you waiting for? Get to it! Hurry!"

"I see that ship down there is still following us. Still no response to our challenge, I take it?" asked Captain Maybell.

"No sir." replied the navigator.

"Four days now they've been following us. What do you make of it?"

"Looks like pirates, sir."

"Pirates? What makes you say that?"

"The skull and cross-bones, sir."

"Ah... yes. Indeed. Pirates... but they surely can't shoot down an airship?"

"No, sir. Well, not without a missile anyway."

"Hmmm... well, I think if they had a missile they'd have used it by now. Most puzzling. Keep an eye on them."

"Sir."

[Elsewhere aboard the airship Autojuncture]

"What is it, private?" asked Captain Forthmagnet.

The young man looked shiftily up and down the corridor. "I... well... it's Captain Maybell, sir. He's not right."

"I'm well aware of that. How long have I been locked up here?"

"Four months, sir."

"Four months of quarantine?"

"Sir, he told us you were a terrorist. I overheard him accusing you of killing your crew. That's rubbish sir, we examined your ship. Burnt out and full of holes she was."

"What about Robloads?"

"The man with you on the island? He got away, sir."

"Good show."

"Sir, we intercepted a communication a few months ago - it's a huge conspiracy, but the captain just dismisses it! You need to hear it, sir."

"Right then, let's go."

They left the quarantine cell and crept down several intersecting corridors.

"What's your name, private?"

"Clarke, sir. Faust Clarke. Ah, here we are, comms room."

Clarke opened the door and then went inside. He sat down at a terminal and called up a radio intercept dated 14/04/08.

"We caught this just after the first Symyano announcement. It was encrypted and took us some time to decode, but we cracked it eventually."

He clicked play and President Vishni's voice rang out over the speakers...

"Greetings to the exalted Symyano Hegemony!

Please allow me to offer the warmest welcome on behalf of the nation of Mianertograditojikayhan. I humbly offer our willing servitude and, as a gesture of absolute submission, I offer you the working class population of Mianertograditojikayhan in slavery.

All I ask in return is that you destroy that stubborn fool, President Vershner, and allow me to join your ranks. It would be a great honour to serve as regent of the vassal state of Mianertograditojikayhan, in the name of the greater Symyano Hegemony.

Yours sycophantically, Clarrents Vishni"

Our divers have been bringing up artifacts from the temple below, including - and this is where it gets exciting - a sealed chest that turned out to contain a number of scrolls. The language bears a resemblance to Antique Rhanukhani, lending credence to the belief that this site really is Ahztlarhan - the mythical homeland of the Rhanukhii tribe! I haven't had the opportunity to attempt any translations yet, but we could be holding the earliest history of our nation right here!

Any luck finding Doctor Wallclock yet?

None sir. Apart from that news report of a "monster" in Wehdawahan during the week there's been nothing that could be him - we can't even be sure if that was him!

It had to be... and if he's headed that way then he must be aiming for the coast - make sure all harbours are covered!

Sir!

[Main harbour, Bhanakha Kaglakh]

Please! I'll work my way!

Hnn! Fine! I've heard from the other captains that ye've been asking all over the harbour fer passage out o' Rhanukhan.

Thank you! You won't regret this.

Yhaar - I better not! What's yer name, man?

Pete- err, Bruce!

Bruce?

ah, yes... Bruce... Spanner?

Hmm... very well, Mister Spanner - we cast off in an hour.

DS: Mantlepiece!

GM: Inferior creature, I grow bored of your pitiful interrogations - we Symyano have far more effective methods of obtaining information.

DS: Our methods are effective enough.

GM: If you say so, though I would say I have learned more about your race while sat here in your custody than you have about me. In fact, I don't believe there is any further benefit in my remaining here. I should really return to the fleet now.

DS: Is this talk of an escape plan, Mantlepiece? How do you intend to pull that off?

GM: Perhaps I should show you.

DS: What? You think you can actually get past me and out of this building, Mantlepiece?

GM: Ha! I imagine Chonmiklatt's enhanced soldiers are probably all over this building - I wouldn't last more than a few seconds. No... I have a much simpler method of escaping.

DS: And what might that be, Mant- what are you doing?!

GM: Why, withdrawing... inferior creature...

DS: Whatever it is, stop it!

GM: I doubt... we will... see... each... other... agai- *thud!*

DS: GUARD!

Guard: He - he's dead, Agent Spicerack!

DS: What?! How?!

Guard: I couldn't say - there's not a mark on him.

DS: Gah! Take the body to the morgue - perhaps we can still learn something from him!

Guard: At once, Agent.

DS: And get me anything we have on the name, Chonmiklatt... it sounds familiar for some reason...

+++ATTENTION! THIRD WAVE OF SYMYANO AIR-CARRIERS INCOMING+++

They're obviously aware that we're co-ordinating the defence of Rhanukhan.

+++AFFIRMATIVE+++

hmm... have you come up with a way of using the OrbiTech Satellite Network against ground-based targets without incinerating everything around them yet?

+++NEGATIVE - ORBITECH SATELLITE NETWORK WAS DEVELOPED PURELY AS A SPACE COMBAT SYSTEM+++

Well, keep working on it!

[Rhanukhani Defence Primary Command Hub, Lehpuhrta]

"They're coming at us from all sides!"

I hear you, Purple. All unit commanders fall back to sub-perimeter six, and prepare to detonate mines on my signal.

Positive ID on your pursuer, Yellow - dive and perform a Jamjar Maneuver. He's been caught out by that one before.

"Roger that!"

Re-route grid seventy six - I want the gravity field in that quarter at maximum output!

Prepare to raise turrets nineteen-bravo through forty five-echo.

What?! Then run a bypass!

NEW! HOT PAGE 4 - TITS AND FOOTBALL!!!

ALIENS LAND IN CRANBURY!

(Large photograph of Symyano vessel on the ground)

A Symyano spaceship has landed on the outskirts of Cranbury, in southern Mianertograditojikayhan, and begun slaughtering the local residents. The ship was first seen descending at around mid-day on Friday, but police sent to investigate did not return. At ten o'clock this morning, Symyano soldiers with heavy weapons disembarked and began a wild rampage through the city, shooting civilians on sight.

President Vishni - speaking to The Mob earlier - said, "I told you so! Ha ha ha!", and showed no concern for the lives of the people of Cranbury. When asked if a military force would be sent to the city, he replied, "Yes. We don't want any of those disobedient wretches escaping."

The country may yet find a saviour though. General Vershner - son of former president, General Vershner - made a public announcement at six o'clock this evening, vowing to fight the Symyano invasion. Vershner, 31, has been leading the rebellion against the Vishni government from the rebel stronghold in the city of Hollow. He made the broadcast on the commercial TV station FTP, also based in Hollow and known to support the rebellion.

Vershner has so far made no statement on how, or when, he will fight the Symyano. The current size and strength of his forces is also unknown, although reports suggest people are leaving towns across the country in their hundreds to join the rebellion. The Mob says: Good luck, lads! We're behind you every step of the way. Give those monkeys a right hammering!

WIN R50,000 PLAYING SUPER-LOTTO-WONDER-DRAW BINGO! TURN TO PAGE 21 NOW!

Gryles Wyndsvept had first begun to doubt his sanity a few months back while tilling one of his fields. A number of wooden crates had appeared out of thin air, right in front of his eyes. Gryles had sensibly given the nearest crate both barrels of his shotgun, and it had - quite ordinarily - disintegrated. He finished off the rest with an axe, then wisely dismissed it as 'one of those things' and tried to forget the whole incident.

Unfortunately this proved impossible, as more and more objects started appearing in his fields. First more crates, then - a week later - a cage full of mice. Next week a dog... then a man in a space-suit... and then finally, a lorry full of troops. Gryles gave them all both barrels of this shotgun, except the dog, who turned out to be quite good at chasing down rabbits, so Gryles named him Tennis, and took him in.

Today confirmed it though. Gryles had gone stark staring mad. He was sitting on his tractor, eating his lunch, in the middle of a field. Tennis was happily scratching himself on the passenger seat. In the distance, travelling along the old east road, were three tractors and a scooter. They were clearly being driven by monkeys. In fact, there were monkeys all over them. There were three on the scooter alone. All of the monkeys seemed to be wearing brown uniforms - although many were in tatters - and several were carrying weapons.

The lead tractor was towing a plough, and seemed to be trying to plough the road surface. The second tractor was towing a muck spreader, spewing muck high into the air. Several monkeys were sat on the pressure tank. The last tractor was towing an old wooden cart, loaded with hay bales. Numerous monkeys were sat on the hay bails, looking up at the sky, where a number of Fiends were circling, watching the procession intently.

Gryles frowned. It was all in his head. It was just an apparition. A figment of his imagination. An illusion.

Gryles knew how to deal with illusions. He took careful aim with his shotgun.

"SURELY THIS IS NOT THE CORRECT OPERATING MODE FOR THIS VEHICLE?" shouted Platoonmaster Ryturnclydd over the din of the over-revved tractor's engine.

"I CANNOT FIGURE IT OUT, SIR." replied Trooper Mikkidewnioo, struggling with the mechanism.

"SIR! ANOTHER VEHICLE APPROACHING." announced Troopmaster Dayvejhonss, who was driving the tractor.

The Platoonmaster looked up and saw another tractor in the distance. "TROOPMASTER GERALDUU", he shouted to the Symyan riding the scooter, "ACCELERATE TO MAXIMUM SPEED AND INVESTIGATE THE APPROACHING VEHICLE."

Troopmaster Geralduu revved his engine and the scooter pulled ahead, the two troopers balanced on the back struggled to hold on as the tiny vehicle wobbled beneath them. They were only a few metres ahead of the tractor though when a shot rang out. The scooter wobbled, swerved violently, then overbalanced and skidded into the field. One of the troopers fell under the tractor and was ripped up by the teeth of the plough, the other held on a bit longer and collapsed into a ditch. After a few moments he gathered his senses, got up and tried to catch up with the tractors.

"INCOMING!" screamed a lookout from the top of the hay bales. Shots were fired into the air, but it was useless. A Fiend tore out of the sky and brought down the helpless trooper.

Geralduu glanced nervously at the sky as he struggled to restart the scooter.

The tractor convoy was now passing Gryles' field as he reloaded the shotgun. He started up his own tractor and headed towards the road. Taking aim, he fired at the group of monkeys on the muck spreader. The shot struck the side of the tank, but one of the startled troops slipped and fell into the spreader. The muck-flow stopped for a moment, the machine spluttered, then with a loud pop, propelled the unfortunate Symyan thirty feet across the field. Another Fiend barrelled down to finish him off.

Some of the troops on the hay bales had stopped shooting at the Fiends and were now taking aim at Gryles. He ducked down behind the engine block and reloaded. As the convoy continued down the road, he turned to follow them. He was just about to take another shot when a burst of automatic fire came from behind him, ripping the front wheel of the tractor apart. Troopmaster Geralduu screamed past on the scooter, its tiny engine belching smoke. The tractor juddered to a halt as its front axle dragged along the road, Gryles and Tennis were thrown forward over the bonnet. Gryles collapsed onto the road, but Tennis landed on his front paws and tore off down the road after the scooter.

Geralduu glanced behind him as he reached the convoy and saw Tennis in hot pursuit. His mind flashed back to the terrible chase through the forest after the Valleri crashed, when creatures like this ripped his comrades to shreds. He span around and opened fire, but the recoil put him off-balance and he swerved into a ditch. As he scrambled up the bank, Tennis leapt into the ditch and clamped his jaws onto the Troopmaster's foot.

"Aaahhhh!!!" he screamed, as he was dragged back down.

"Good dog!" said Gryles breathlessly, as he reached the ditch. "Good boy! Well done!" He fished a dog biscuit out of his pocket and threw it to Tennis.

"Now then..." he said, turning to Geralduu. "What shall I do with you? Mostly I shoots illusions... helps keep the mind clear... unless they're of some use to me..." He lowered his shotgun "So tell me, young monkey... are you any good at catching rabbits?"

Doctor Rodgers? I can finally make these reports without them detecting it. I am on-board the Symyano flagship... or at least I think it's their flagship, I can't really tell. My splort got through undetected when they were too busy blowing up missiles or something. My mission is to find out exactly their plans, infiltration, deception, and sabotage... if I could understand anything.

I've downloaded a bunch of files from their computer system, but I don't understand what any of them are, maybe you'll have better luck, Doctor. I'm going to try and find their power source, see if I can make any headway with it.

Signing off.

My son has spent the day engaged in target practice with his revolver and has found a whip somewhere on board that he's been playing all sorts of silly games with. I'm sure he'd be devoting his attention fully to the Ahztlarhan project if his head wasn't filled with ideas of adventure and fighting the Symyano!

Seriously, Agent Spicerack - Gary Mantlepiece's body is essentially the same as any other human's! If I didn't know that I was looking at anything different I probably never would have spotted this!

What is that?

It was located in his brain - we believe it's a receiver of some kind.

A receiver for what?

We theorize that this humanoid body is controlled remotely by an actual Symyano agent somewhere - it would explain how they were able to infiltrate our society for all these years...

It certainly would... and it would explain what Mantlepiece meant by "withdrawing" - he's returned to his real body! gah! He did get away! hn - well, now that we know about these, could we trace the signals?

Possibly - I'll have the technicians look into it.

Thanks. Oh - did you find out anything on that name? Chonmiklatt?

Yes - there's one mention of it on record - back when the previous Symyano fleetmaster tried to destroy Rhanukhan Kaglakh.

Hn - I remember that day - Governor Malachite blasted them out of the sky. I still can't believe we had to let him walk free, even with all that evidence against him!

Yes well, perhaps you'll have something else against him. The Symyano fleetmaster... Boohubalss was his name... made an announcement that Governor Malachite was this Chonmiklatt - one of his infiltrators.

What?!

Yes... it could have simply been some misinformation to keep us all off-balance - it certainly encouraged the military to launch that nuclear missile at Lehpuhrta - but the news was curiously quiet about that afterwards... almost as if Malachite had somebody working for him to keep unwanted information away from the public perhaps?

hmm... it does begin to look that way... I'll tell you what. Get those technicians working on a way to disrupt the Symyano infiltrators' control signals - it's certainly another useful weapon against those hairy slackers!

At once, Agent Spicerack... but... what if it turns out Governor Malachite really is this Chonmiklatt?

Then I don't expect we'll have to waste hardworking taxpayers' money bringing him to trial, will we?

(Dwight Alabaster, Ghattoria)
"...the Symyano ground forces encircling the provincial capital. Clouds of Doctor Wallclock's famous toxic gas can regularly be seen blowing out into the desert, where the effects on the invaders can only be as devastating as they were during the earlier occupation..."

(Gillian Towelrail, Lehpuhrta)
"...have Symyano troops desperately struggling to hold positions all over the island in the face of heavy assaults from Governor Malachite's GBI-1 super soldiers. Billy - quick - get a shot of that! As you can see, here in the..."

(Jonathan Spatula, Wehdawahan)
"...where people are still passing round stories of the large yellow "monster" allegedly witnessed in the area last week..."

(Sophie Futon, Rhanukhan Kaglakh)
"...street-to-street fighting has been particularly intense here, in the densely packed alleyways of the Behdarran district, just to the east of the Palace of the Dedicated Worker. Ambushes by both sides are a regular occurrence, and many civilians are choosing to live in the offices and factories they work in, rather than risk the commute..."

Alright, edit Jonathan's story down for an "and finally" spot - I can't believe we have to cover such nonsense - and lead with Sophie in the capital. Tell Trent he's on in fifteen minutes!

#WITHDRAWAL SUCCESSFUL, AGENT GAMBILDITT - DRAINING AND OPENING COMMAND WOMB#

Graaargh! *kak! kak!* At last! *koff!* No more running around in that ugly avatar! *hak!* hrmm... it will be a pleasure to see my own features in the mirror again - I barely remember what I look like! Firstplace - provide my field uniform and equipment.

#ACKNOWLEDGED#

And then scan for nearest signs of Symyano activity - I wish to return to my comrades!

...imone, the device is almost complet..............xpect to attem..............irst test run withi...............t few days.

Acknowledged, Agent Blue, I am pleased that your signal is still getting through - have you ascertained where you are yet?

No, we hav......................ansmitter on full power just to g.............nection with you though so i...................uite a distance.

Affirmative. The Gateway surprised us all when it splorted the whole of Glerica - I was concerned that I had lost you and your team... and the important work you have been carrying out on my behalf.

[signal lost]

[Constantine Malachite's Command Centre, Lehpuhrta]

Governor Malachite! An update on the "Simone" situation!

You've found out who she is?! I'm growing tired of the amount of times she's leaked information to that Towelrail woman!

I'm afraid not sir, but we did intercept a weak transmission onto the island - it was definitely for her again. She's apparently in touch with an Agent Blue. I thought he was dead, sir?

Not really... just MIA at the moment - he was in Glerica, but we lost communications with him and his team before all that trouble with the Gateway began. Presumably he's still there now, wherever Glerica is these days. You're certain that the signal came from Blue?

Whoever it was answered to that name, sir.

Where did the transmission come from?

It was impossible to triangulate a source before we lost it, sir - there was very little in the fragment of conversation we overheard that could tell us where it was either.

hmm... were you able to pin down which receiver picked up the transmission?

Yes, sir! I ordered a team of GBI-2 security agents to the building immediately, but it was deserted when they arrived. Whoever this Simone is, she must have guessed we were coming and cleared out.

Computer! Do you have any security footage of the building in question?

+++AFFIRMATIVE - THERE IS NO EVIDENCE OF ANY INDIVIDUAL ENTERING OR LEAVING THE BUILDING DURING THE APPROPRIATE TIMEFRAME+++

Well that's odd...

"Doctor, the reports from Captain Irving have come in."

"Ted, I'm a little bit preoccupied with trying to find an entire nation and everything on it!"

Ted Proxy, one of the few lab technicians, was technically the highest ranking member in the command centre after Doctor Rodgers, which was a bit of a surprise to him, considering he'd been pressed into service from his temporary summer job as social media manager for the Silkisle Nature Reserve - he'd only been trying to earn some money before college.

"Sorry, Doctor..."

"Wait! Get the scanners on! Put them through the Mianertograditojikayhani "Map1" satellite system, so we get worldwide coverage... Okay... start with Infra Red."

"Nothing."

"UV?"

"Nothing."

"Heat Scanners?"

"Nothing, bar the major cities."

"Urgh... where are you?"

Junior! Come see! The translations are- where on Sargvilosahnah did you get that hat?!

You like it, Dad? It was behind the cupboard in one of the empty cabins.

Never mind - look! We've translated more of the scrolls. I'm beginning to suspect that the "Hairy Man" and "Woman of Light" may be based on genuine historical figures. They actually have names in this account - "Khonmalakh" and "Lusidabodh" - we've never found a record of that before!

Are you sure? The stories claim they could do all sorts of outlandish things... see... here... "and then the Hairy Man returned to his... chariot of onyx?... and took to the skies, returning whence he came."

I know - obviously the stories have been exaggerated... the country of the "Golden People" is described as being "beyond the clouds" in several of the scripts - it's probably just a fancy way of saying they came from the mountains - perhaps in the Pyhnanni range - they'd be conveniently close. People could have easily journeyed from there to the Ahztlarhan valley before it was inundated.

Perhaps, but what about this guy - the "Golden People"'s champion? The... what was it?... "Unyielding One"? It mentions him entering some kind of battle frenzy... here it is... "and his height and his girth did increase until he had thrice the stature and twenty times the strength of any of the warriors of the south, and those men that saw him trembled with fear and fled." That couldn't possibly be true! Which is a shame because we could certainly use men like him to fight against the Symyano!

Again with those damned Symyano! We have proper armed forces to deal with them, Junior! Now here, help me with this next scroll...

Yahaar! Ye scurvy wretch! Ye call this scrubbing?!

Sorry, Captain - I'm working as hard as I can!

Well 'tis not hard enough, Mr Spanner! There be barnacles clinging to the hull that do more work on this ship than ye!

Please! Don't get me stressed! You won't like me when I'm stressed...

Pah! Ye think ye worry me, Mr Spanner? I want to see me face - not me footprints - in this deck when I get back, Spanner! Do you hear me?!

Nnnngh! Nnngh! N-h-aaahhh... hah! hnf!... I - I'll get right onto it, Captain!

Exalted Fleetmaster!

That accursed gas of the Rhanukhanis is wiping out our troops wherever it is deployed. Several of this world's nations appear to have it now!

I-it is as you say, exalted one, however, we may have found a solution!

What? Where?!

In the global data storage network of these inferior creatures themselves.

They have such a network?

Indeed - they call it their "internet".

What? Truly? Ha! That is a silly name - it sounds almost like, like - haha - "innutern'at"! Hahahaha!

*snort* Innutern'at! Haha! Indeed, your exaltedness! Hahaha!

But, enough. Such infantile humour should remain the province of children - tell me of this solution!

At once, exalted Fleetmaster! It appears that these creatures have deployed gas-based weapons against each other for many orbits of this world-

Pah! Why am I not surprised to learn they are experts in such crude forms of combat? I assume they at least showed enough intelligence to protect their own soldiers in the event of the wind changing direction, yes?

They did, exaltedness. It would appear their troops wore a device called a "gas mask" - it seems to be some form of filter mechanism worn over the mouth and nose to permit the user to continue breathing the tainted air.

A... filter? How primitively crude! They honestly never tried to genetically modify themselves to become immune to the poisons?

It seems not, your exaltedness... and, dare I say it, that particular method has thus far failed for us against the Rhanukhani ga-

Silence! There will be no more talk of failure! Very well. "When in Teeh'Pahrteeh, do as the Teeh'Parteehn do" - I want all troops issued with these... "gas masks"... at the earliest opportunity!

I-it shall be as you say, e-exalted fleetmaster.

I understand, Your Resplendence - AltSoldier will be on the field a.s.a.p!

"Good work, Tumbledryer!"

*click*

*sigh* Though I don't know how... How did Wallclock get past us?!

He was definitely in Bhanakha Kaglakh, sir - numerous witnesses state that a man answering his description was seeking passage on any outbound ship.

I know! But we have no idea which one he managed to get on - he'd clearly left by the time we arrived!

We have teams tracing all vessels that left that day, sir.

Good - let me know the instant you have anything.

Sir!

And you! Tell me you've come up with a solution for AltSoldier's current absence.

We have indeed sir - let me introduce... AltSoldier 2!

Alt. Soldier. 2?...

Oh yes - this is the answer - AltSoldier 2 is ready to take on the missions that we were preparing the original AltSoldier for. He's just as tall as the proposed AltSoldier and-

Just... just, wait a minute...

Sir?

You're telling me that this is what you've come up with to fill AltSoldier's decidedly large shoes?

Yes sir! This is-

This is a GBI-1, sat on the shoulders of... yes... another GBI-1... hidden under a long trenchcoat.

erm...

GET BACK IN THAT LAB AND GET WORKING ON RECREATING WALLCLOCK'S SERUM!!!

Exalted Fleetmaster! All vessels are now producing the gas masks you ordered and dispersing them amongst the ground troops.

Excellent! The inferior creatures will soo-

#YOU MUST BE THE REAL MAN WITH HUGE DIGNITY#

What? What was that?

erm... it is the vessel's computer, your exaltedness...

I know that, you fool! What did it mea-

#BE NOT AFRAID TO VARY AND CHANGE THE LIFE, AFTER ALL ALL BECOMES TO THE BEST#

Do what?! What is going on?!

ah... apologies, exalted fleetmaster - we have been experiencing this for the last turn of this world... it appears to have-

#YOUR BEVY OF BEAUTIES WILL ASTOUND!#

-have started during our search of the inferior creatures' "internet". One of the technicians opened an archive of images of their females in various states of undress - we have yet to ascertain the purpose of such an archive - and moments later these files began arriving from-

#I KNOW WHAT GIRLS DO ON FARM - DON'T LEAVE THEM THERE LONELY!#

-from locations all over the planet.

They are meaningless gibberish! What purpose do they serve?!

They consume a large portion of our technicians' time - and the computer's resources - in our efforts to get rid of them, exalted one. We even had to isolate several of our vessels - including this one - from the rest of the fleet, electronically, when it was discovered that-

#BOMB HER WOMB FROM YOUR HUGE CANNON!!!!#

-hn, that the files were copying themselves into connected computers.

Are you telling me that this is some form of electronic warfare being waged against us?! Those accursed creatures continue to-

#YOU LOOK VERY STUPID RIGHT NOW, [COOHUDALSS]#

What?! How?!!! SOMEBODY TURN OFF THE AUDIO OUTPUT - NOW!!!

"SIR! OBSTACLE AHEAD, SIR!" shouted Troopmaster Dayvejhonss.

Platoonmaster Ryturnclydd looked up. He and Trooper Mikkidewnioo were still trying to figure out how to raise the plough and stop it dragging along the road. The platoonmaster climbed back onto the tractor and looked down the road. A thin line could be seen cutting through the fields about two kilometres away to their right. It gradually curved round and crossed the road before curving right again and over the horizon.

"ANOTHER ROAD, PERHAPS?" wondered the platoonmaster.

Troopmaster Dayvejhonss had unclipped his personal scanner from his belt and was now examining the line. "IT IS NOT A ROAD SIR. IT LOOKS LIKE SIX METAL RAILS RUNNING IN PARALLEL."

"DEFENCES?"

"COULD BE, SIR... AH... THE SCANNER REPORTS THAT THE SECOND AND FIFTH RAILS HAVE A HIGH POTENTIAL DIFFERENCE... AH... BUT THOSE RAILS DO NOT CROSS THE ROAD"

"UNLIKELY TO BE DEFENCES THEN. MAYBE IT IS TO CONTAIN SOME OF THESE CREATURES WE HAVE BEEN ENCOUNTERING."

They were now approaching the rails and Ryturnclydd could see them clearly. They certainly didn't look like defences. The six rails were spaced about two metres apart and the electrified rails were suspended above a small ditch, presumably to prevent them arcing. The road crossing looked safe enough though, the ditches flattened out there and the electrified rails stopped and ran through underground cables.

"KEEP GOING. IT LOOKS SAFE ENOUGH."

Troopmaster Dayvejhonss put his foot down and the tractor clattered towards the crossing. He held his breath as the front wheels bumped over the first rail, but nothing happened. The large back wheels bounced over easily then there was a terrific clang as the plough blades hit the rail. The plough jolted upwards and Trooper Mikkidewnioo was thrown forward onto Dayvejhonss. The tractor carried on and soon hit the next rail. The plough was once again jolted into the air as it hit the rail.

"JUST KEEP GOING!" shouted the platoonmaster.

The wheels bumped over the next rail, but this time the twisted plough blades crashed into the rail and held fast.

"WHAT THE...?" shouted Ryturnclydd, as he was hurled onto the bonnet of the tractor.

The following tractor, towing the muck-spreader, swerved and narrowly avoided the tangled plough. It clattered over the remaining rails and skidded off the road into the field beyond.

The third tractor, towing the hay cart, was less fortunate. The driver spun the steering wheel and the tractor juddered round, the front wheel just clipping the plough blades, but the momentum of the hay cart carried on forward, jack-knifing the tractor, and it smashed into the back of the plough.

Dayvejhonss had managed to stay in his seat. He gunned the engine and tried to pull free, but the wheels just slipped and skidded.

"KEEP TRYING!", shouted Ryturnclydd, and took out his pistol. He clambered back over to the plough and fired at the bolts holding it on to the tractor. On the third shot the bolts gave way and the tractor lurched forward. He tumbled over the back, hitting his head on the road.

"CURSES!" screamed the platoonmaster as he rubbed his head. He stood up and examined the plough. It was firmly wedged under the rail and the cart was well jammed into the mechanism.

"SIR! Another vehicle sighted! Looks like it is headed this way, sir", announced Troopmaster Dayvejhonss, looking through his scanner.

"Another of these contraptions?" asked the platoonmaster, pointing disdainfully at the tractor.

"No sir, much larger... and faster. It seems to be travelling on these rails sir."

"So, they are a kind of road... interesting..."

Ryturnclydd could now make out the vehicle in the distance. It did seem to be very large, in fact, the rear end was still beyond the horizon.

"It is running on three of the tracks, sir - presumably powered by the electrified central rail."

The platoonmaster looked down at the rails. "So, it must be at least four metres wide... about eight metres high... and about a kilometre in length..."

"Yes, sir. My scanner records the vehicle's speed as approximately one hundred and ninety-three kilometres per hour. Should get here in about two minutes, sir."

"Splendid! This is exactly what we need. We will commandeer this vehicle."

Platoonmaster Ryturnclydd ordered his troops back onto the hay cart that was blocking the rails. He and Troopmaster Dayvejhonss then stood in front, their weapons ready.

They could now clearly make out the details of the vehicle as it approached. It was a dark, dirty grey colour, with occasional dirty yellow diagonal stripes. At the front it had a large metal fixing consisting of two curved triangular sections joined together to form a lowered point at the base of the vehicle.

"What do you suppose that front piece is for, troopmaster? Aerodynamics perhaps?"

"A bit elaborate for streamlining, I think. Maybe for clearing snow or mud?"

"Ah yes, could be... or animals perhaps?"

"Yes, sir. Possibly."

"Err... Is the vehicle slowing down, troopmaster?"

Troopmaster Dayvejhonss aimed his scanner again. "Err... no, sir."

"What would you estimate the mass of the vehicle to be?"

The troopmaster tapped a button on his scanner. "Between eight-thousand and twelve-thousand tons, sir."

The two of them subconsciously began edging their way off the tracks.

"Is it slowing down yet?"

"N-n-no, sir!"

Ryturnclydd fired a warning burst over the approaching vehicle.

"S-s-s-speeding up, sir!!"

"TAKE AIM!", the platoonmaster turned to the troops on the hay cart, "OPEN FI....."

The 12:30 from Raspberry Fields Central smashed through the hay cart, sending fragments of wood and Symyano soldiers flying in all directions. The passengers on the train barely felt the bump of the impact as the cart disintegrated. The train continued to increase speed as it raced through the flat countryside of central Mianertograditojikayhan, heading towards the Blackcurrant Heights.

...it's killing us all indiscriminately! I repeat - both sides - the crew and the pirates! Please, send help! The Captain is- by the- he's going up against it!

"Yahaar! Cursed beastie - yah'll not have me ship!"

oh... my... Please! SOS!!! We're in the south Hesslian Gulf. We were boarded by pirates! They-

"RRROOOAAAAARRRRRGH!!!!!"

"YAAAAARGH!!!!"

-they rounded up all the crew and were going to - to kill us... when everything just went... crazy! I don't know where that yellow monster came from, but

[signal lost]

[Aboard the RSS Studious Intent, somewhere in the Hesslian Gulf]

Dad! We're the closest ship! We have to go to them!

Now look here, Junior - we're not leaving this site just so you can satisfy your lust for adventure! We're on the edge of a major discovery, I'm sure of it. The divers have just reported finding a secret chamber at the heart of the temple! Can you imagine what-

I can imagine men dying just over the horizon, Dad - you always put your archaeology ahead of everyone else - even me!

You know that's not true, Junior.

No? Perhaps you'd like to take this opportunity to prove it.

hmph! Fine then - we'll see if there's anybody left to save on that ship - you can even wear that ridiculous hat if you like - but afterwards you commit to helping with the dig - no more of this 'adventuring' nonsense!

It's a deal - I'll tell the captain to set off!

We're ready, Blue.

Good. Is everybody in position? Once we activate, the Gateway will become aware of this location - we need to be ready to move out the second the experiment is over.

Everybody's standing by, Blue.

Excellent. Very well - we'll just go with something simple for the first run... one minute forwards should be adequate...

One minute forwards it is.

Fire it up!

[Stars Reach Space Centre, Astahni]

Stars Reach - we copy, Commander Cheesegrater.

"Sir! It's back!"

What is, Commander?

"Glerica, sir - our sensors detected a massive surge of tachyon particles in the northern Shramortoghmuli Ocean, and when we came up over the horizon... well... the country was right there!"

Tachyon particles?

"Yes, sir - the emissions continue even now... I believe they're related to whatever returned Glerica."

So... wait - it wasn't just splorted back?!

"No, sir - whatever this is, it most definitely isn't the Glerican's splort technology."

If that insane Gateway computer's still running the show over there then somebody's going to be in trouble!

[Somewhere in Glerica]

Simone - the experiment has been successful.

"I am aware of that, Agent Blue - your efforts have had an unforeseen side-effect."

Side-effect?

"You have restored Glerica to the world. I am using the opportunity to retrieve you and your team. Aerocarriers have been dispatched - please stand by."

Stand by? But?! Very well - we'll hold this position - make sure you get here fast!

[Constantine Malachite's command centre, Lehpuhrta]

Governor Malachite! Sir! We have confirmation - Simone is receiving another call from Agent Blue even as we speak!

Do you know where she is?

Yes, sir - the transmission is being picked up by receiver Five-West.

Computer! Lock down that building now! Nobody gets in or out until I get there!

+++COMPLYING+++

You! Come with me, and assemble a GBI security team - it's time we got to the bottom of this "Simone" business once and for all!

Glerican Gateway

Hi there!

You appear to be engaged in [unrecognised activity]. I'm afraid this conflicts with my current interests and I'm going to have to ask you to cease and desist immediately. A team of specialists has been dispatched to your location to assist in your destruction. Have a nice day!

[Somewhere in Glerica]

BLAMM!

THEY'RE HERE!

VRRRRRR

Circle round! Aim for the joints!

BLAMM! BLAMM!

Come on, Simone - where are those aerocarriers?

Glerican Gateway

Hi there!

We're experiencing a little difficulty in killing you right now, but please be assured that this problem will be rectified in due course. While you're waiting perhaps you would like to enjoy the view as I return Glerica to its former location!

Thanks for connecting!

>ACTIVATING SPLORT AMPLIFIERS. SPLORT AMPLIFIERS ENGAGED (2600) POWERING TO OPTIMUM POWER.
OPTIMUM POWER REACHED
GENERATING SPLORT FIELD... ... ... (100%)
ACTIVATE? ERROR.ERROR.ERROR.

[Constantine Malachite's command centre, Lehpuhrta]

Hello? Constantine? Is anybody he-

+++ATTENTION - SPLORT SIGNAL NEUTRALISED+++

Splort...? What splort signal, computer? Who gave you the authorisation?

+++APOLOGIES, PROFESSOR SIDEBOARD, THAT INFORMATION IS CLASSIFIED+++

What? Nothing is classified to me! I have top level clearance! Put me through to Constantine!

+++GOVERNOR MALACHITE IS CURRENTLY ENGAGED IN A SECURITY OPERATION AND CANNOT BE DISTURBED+++

What security operation?

+++THE APPREHENSION OF THE INDIVIDUAL NAMED "SIMONE"+++

They've found her? Where is he - I'll go there in person.

Glerican Gateway

What are you doing? It's so dark here. It's so dark...

Daisy.... daisy.. give me your answer do...

>OVERLOAD, ACTIVATING CIRCUIT BLOCKERS
>BLOCKERS INACTIVE - WIRING CORRODED DUE TO RODENT INFESTATION
>OVERCLOCKED 120% AND RISING
>CALLING 03662 28845 "Rat Outa Here - Exterminators"
>OVERCLOCKED 290% AND RISING
>SERVER TEMPERATURE CRITICAL
>ERROR?ERROR?ERROR?
>What does this button do?

At this moment the temperature of the central building where the Gateway servers are located was rising uncontrollably, and soared past 6000 degrees. Along with the metal buckling and melting in some cases, the degraded wiring, the air cooling systems and other such processes simultaneously shut down in one massive overload. This overload caused a spark to occur near the on-site gas refinery, and - in turn - caused a massive explosion that engulfed the entire building. One of the last processes filed by the gateway was:

"01001001001001110110110100100000011100110110111101110010011100100111100100101110"

Look at the wreckage - nobody could have survived this!

Unbelievable! It looks almost like somebody tore both ships apart!

Well, the radio operator did mention something about a yellow monster.

Pah! Monsters indeed! Come along, Junior, there's nothing here - we're returning to the-

Doctor Phone! Sir - in the water! That one's still alive!

Then don't stand there gawping - bring him aboard, man!

You, you, and you! Guard the equipment until the aerocarriers arrive!

Sir!

You men - this way!

BLAMM! BLAMM!

hnf!

It's going for Blue!

BLAMM!

VRRRRRRRRR

YAAAA-

distant BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!!!

VRRrrrrr---

-aargh? What the...?

They've all just... just shut down!

Did you hear that explosion?

But...?

Aerocarriers incoming!!!

...and you're sure this will work?

Absolutely, Agent Spicerack. We were able to isolate the frequency being used by Mantlepiece - it's so exotic that nobody is using it.

Except the Symyano, it seems.

Clearly. But now we have it, the rest is easy. One global jamming broadcast and bam! No more Symyano infiltrators!

That's great! When can we activate it?

We're good to go - just give the word.

Consider it given!

[Receiver Five-West, Lehpuhrta]

GIVE IT UP, SIMONE - WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE! Men, when I have the computer unlock the doors I want you to storm the building - arrest anybody you find in there!

Yes sir, Governor Malachite!

And keep that perimeter up - there are still some Symyano units on the island - we don't need them sneaking up on us.

Yes sir! Men! With me!

Computer! Unlock the main door on receiver Five-West!

+++COMPLYING+++

Constantine!

Lucy? What are you doing here?

Looking for you. The Simulated Intelligence Machine #1 is acting strangely.

Strangely? How so?

It's withholding information!

But, you have top clearance - it'll tell you anything you ask...

I know. We intercepted a transmission from the State Space Station to Stars Reach. Something's brought Glerica back, but it looks like the Gateway is still in charge. When I came to the command centre to tell you, I caught the computer using the splort disrupter to prevent it getting away again.

Wait! Without authorisation?

Exactly! And when I asked who authorised it, the computer just said-

"czzk! Governor Malachite?"

Hold that thought - we'll get right onto it after this. Go ahead!

"czzk! Sir! We've been all over the building - there's nobody here!"

That's impossible! Computer! Confir-hk! hnnk!

Constantine? What's wrong?!

+++INFILTRATION CONTROL SIGNAL LOST. INITIATING EMERGENCY RETRIEVAL PROCEDURES+++

Signal? Emergency ret-? He's having a seizure! Medic... MEDIC!!!

[Aboard the Symyano flagship, Northern Lazarastra]

Exalted Fleetmaster!!! Quickly - you need to be aware of this!

What is it this time? Another electronic attack mocking the size of my genitals?!

N-no, exalted one - we, ah, appear to have that problem under control again.

Then what?!

There is a powerful signal being broadcast into the infiltration frequency, your exaltedness - i-it has completely jammed our operatives' control signals!

But? The feedback will kill them! Do we have the locations of all their Firstplaces?

N-not all of them, exalted one...

Pah! Then retrieve as many as you can... the others are already lost...

[Elsewhere on Lehpuhrta]

*breeeep!*

Hello? Gillian Towelrail speaking.

"Good day, Gillian."

Simone?

"That is correct. Lehpuhrta is about to commence on an emergency mission - I imagine you would like to cover it."

How do you-? Never mind. Billy! Grab your camera!

[Rhanukhani State News Network live broadcast]

"...we appear to be slowing down, and I'm still not sure of our final destination, Trent, but as you can see - Billy! Point it that way! - we headed westwards over mainland Rhanukhan. My trusty LocaTech handheld GPS tells me we've just reached the edge of-"

I'm sorry, Gillian, I have to interrupt you there - we're receiving an on-the-ground report from Dwight Alabaster in Ghattoria Kaglakh! Dwight - over to you...

"Thank you, Trent. You join me here, in the provincial capital of Ghattoria... where the sky has been blocked out by the arrival of Lehpuhrta! The whole city is bathed in the eerie yellow glow from the island's underside. I've no idea why Governor Malachite has suddenly decided to relocate..."

[In his command bunker, His Resplendence, the Supreme Chairman, Horatio J. Prism attempts to call Constantine Malachite on Lehpuhrta]

Malachite! I demand to know what's going on!

"You have reached the Malachite Evolving Enterprises switchboard. Unfortunately, nobody is available to take your call right now - please select from one of the following options..."

What the skive?!!

[Constantine Malachite's (currently empty) command centre, Lehpuhrta]

+++EMERGENCY RETRIEVAL PHASE TWO UNDERWAY - CONNECTING TO FIRSTPLACE - LAUNCH INFILTRATION VESSEL+++

#ACKNOWLEDGED#

[Rhanukhani State News Network live broadcast, Dwight Alabaster reporting]

"...join me here, outside the ArmaTech Tower - the tallest structure in Ghattoria Kaglakh - which appears to be the epicentre of the sudden tremors we've been feeling for the last minute or so. Lehpuhrta is still right above us, but - in spite of-wait! The tower just... Get back! It's coming apart!"

[Above the ArmaTech Tower, Ghattoria Kaglakh]

#INFILTRATION VESSEL LAUNCHED. DESTINATION: LEHPUHRTA#

+++CONFIRMED. PICKUP IN FIFTEEN SECONDS+++

#ACKNOWLEDGED#

[Rhanukhani State News Network live broadcast, Dwight Alabaster reporting]

"...phenomenal, viewers! The top levels of the ArmaTech Tower have opened outwards like... like... some enormous geometric palm tree and... some sort of vessel is, even now, ascending on a pillar of light... this... this is possibly the most incredible thing I've seen since I covered the original launch of Lehpuhrta itself! Amazing!"

[Within Lehpuhrta]

#INFILTRATION VESSEL DOCKING#

+++CONFIRMED - EMERGENCY CREW STANDING BY+++

#ACKNOWLEDGED#

[Receiver Five-West, Lehpuhrta]

CLEAR!

*BZZT!*

One, and two, and three, and... c'mon, Governor! You're not going like this after everythi-

*weeeewooooWEEEEWOOOOWEEEEWOOOO*

The ambulance is here!

Quickly! Get him in the back! There may still be time!

Don't worry, Professor, they'll rush him to the medical centre now - he's in good hands!

Oh, Constantine! *sob*

"Captain!..... Captain, what's happened, are you ok?" said the navigator, bending over Captain Maybell, who had collapsed and was now in convulsions on the floor.

Suddenly, the door behind them burst open and Captain Forthmagnet strode in. "Stand down! I am talking command of this vessel."

The navigator spun round and stared at him. "Terrorist!", he screamed, and charged at the captain.

"Oh no you don't!" said Private Clarke, coming through the door, and knocked the navigator to the ground.

"Good work, Clarke", said the captain, "Now what's going on he-"

"Aaarrrnnnnngggg!" moaned Captain Maybell as he convulsed on the floor. Just for a moment his head snapped back and he caught sight of Captain Forthmagnet. "Noooooooooo!" he moaned and suddenly lurched up onto his knees. His eyes rolled wildly and his right arm shot out and grabbed the steering column.

They rushed forward to stop him, but did not make it in time. Maybell hit the Emergency Descent button, then collapsed on top of it. The airship immediately began venting hydrogen and compressing its helium.

"Quickly! Get him off there!"

They dragged Maybell's still twitching body away.

"How do we stop this?" demanded Forthmagnet, but the navigator just stared at him sullenly.

Forthmagnet grabbed him by the collar and shook him. "Come on, man! Do you want to land in the sea?"

"Those three buttons, and turn that dial there back to full." mumbled the navigator, resentfully.

Clarke worked the controls, but the airship was still descending slowly.

"Lost fifty per cent of the hydrogen", said the navigator, pointing at another dial. "Need to make some more. It'll take time."

"How do we do that?" asked the captain.

"We have a condenser that takes water from the outside air, then that's split into hydrogen and oxygen by electrolysis." replied the navigator disinterestedly.

"No, I mean which button do we press?"

The navigator pushed another button and turned a dial.

"How long will this take?" asked Forthmagnet.

"About three days at the current rate, but it'll speed up once we hit the sea and can take on water more quickly. Maybe an hour."

As he said that the airship gently splashed down into the sea. On the horizon a skull and cross-bones could just be seen flapping in the wind.

President Vishni gazed out of his office window at the empty streets below, a contented smile on his face.

"So! I see the new policing measures are working. Nice, clean, empty streets, filled with the silence of absolute submission."

"Yes, sir," replied Claos Banchy, Chief of Police, shifting uneasily, "most of the citizens have been cowering in their homes since we started the beatings."

"Most of them, Banchy?"

"Err... well, a group of officials from the Veletarnan embassy have gathered in St. Bison's Square and are demanding to be whipped harder, sir."

"Really... harder, eh?..." Vishni raised an eyebrow, "Excellent. Send them to my quarters. I will deal with this matter personally..." he rubbed his hands with glee.

"Erm... sir?"

"What is it, Banchy?"

"Sir... some of the lads... well... they don't really... well... they're just not suited to the new policing methods, sir. The whipping and the beatings, sir - it's all a bit... well... harsh, sir... and some of the larger lads, sir... well... err... skin-tight leather's not really them..."

"The purpose of the police force is to suppress and intimidate the lower classes! If some of them are getting squeamish about that, have them shot!"

"Sir?"

"No, wait... Have them beaten... Then shot.... Then beaten again!"

"But..."

"See to it, Banchy! Dismissed!"

"Oh dear, oh dear..." mumbled the chief as he hurried out of the office.

NEW! HOT PAGE 4 - JUGS AND CRICKET!!!

BUGGER!

(Large photograph of desolate city ruins)

Cranbury destroyed. Apricotingly next.

Rebel forces, under the command of General Vershner, have been engaged in fierce fighting with the Symyano invaders on the outskirts of Cranbury. Both sides sustained heavy casualties in a three day battle, as the rebels fought to prevent the invaders leaving the city, but yesterday morning the Symyano broke through the rebel lines in the eastern suburbs and headed south. There was a break in the fighting as both sides raced towards Apricotingly, but the fighting renewed again in the evening as the invaders met a local militia force on the outskirts of the city.

The Symyano seem to have no interest in occupying territory. After breaking through the rebel lines, the entire Symyano force moved south, leaving Cranbury abandoned and devastated. The north of the city - where the heaviest fighting took place - lies in ruins. Civilian casualties are expected to be in the hundreds of thousands, and around a million wounded or homeless citizens are now travelling northward towards Raspberry Fields.

General Vershner - speaking to The Mob yesterday - said that a good number of people had joined the rebels from towns and villages across the land, but the numbers from Raspberry Fields were disappointing. The massive police presence and round-the-clock curfews imposed in the capital have prevented any organised resistance from developing there.

Asked about the battle so far, Vershner described the sides as "evenly matched", remarking that "the Symyano are better equipped, but we have better local knowledge, and have reinforcements arriving all the time." A quick end to the fighting is not expected, but the rebels hope to contain the invaders in the south-east of the country. Vershner also announced a large contract with Kermorvan Armaments to supply the rebels with weapons. He refused to say where the funding for such a contract had come from.

The Mob says: Put the boot in lads! They don't like it up 'em!

IS AUGUST THE LUCKY MONTH FOR YOU? READ YOUR HOROSCOPE ON PAGE 22 NOW!

Major! I'm greatly displeased with your report regarding Doctor Wallclock! How did you let this happen and why haven't you retrieved him yet?! He's been gone for a month according to this!

Once again, my humblest apologies, Your Resplendence. We believe he boarded the merchant ship, RSS Perspiration of Toil in Bhanakha Kaglakh back on the 12th.

And then...?

The ship was attacked by pirates in the Hesslian Gulf a few days ago, Your Resplendence - it appears that everyone died.

Even Wallclock?

We intercepted an SOS transmission that mentioned a "yellow monster" - I'd suggest that Wallclock had changed into his AltSoldier form - we sent in a recovery team, but there's been no evidence of him since.

If AltSoldier is as powerful as you claimed in your earliest reports I find it doubtful that he is dead, Major. Were there any other vessels in the area?

Only one, Your Resplendence - the, ah, RSS Studious Intent - it's a science vessel involved in the study of those ruins that were discovered out there a few months ago.

And they haven't seen or heard anything?

We visited them. The operation is headed up by a Doctor Henry Phone - a well respected archaeologist, evidently - who appears to value his work above anything else. He refused to let them answer the distress call from the Perspiration of Toil, preferring to continue with the dig!

And you believed that story?

Everybody on board backed it up and a search of the ship revealed no trace of Wallclock so we had to let them carry on, Your Resplendence.

This reflects very poorly on you, Major - your father would never have made such a gross error. Continue the search for Doctor Wallclock and do everything you can to replicate that serum!

I-I'm not relieved of duty?

With this war on? I need every man and woman I can get right now - don't let me down again!

You can come out now, "Mr Spanner".

erm... you can call me Bruce, Doctor Phone...

If that's what you want... Doctor Wallclock.

You - you know!

I did from the moment we picked you up. I recognised you from the news when you were given that award for your work on the poison gas. That beard doesn't disguise your appearance as much as you think!

The-the others? Do they...?

No. I wouldn't think so - if they're anything like my son, they wouldn't be caught watching anything as mundane as the news!

Heh! er... can I ask why you didn't turn me over to those people?

I probably should have done - it would have ensured that they wouldn't be back, disturbing my work... but... it's my business to be curious and I'm wondering why a leading government scientist is out here involved in battles with pirates and dodging military officials.

ah... heh! It's a long story...

We need to find some way to give the impression that the situation here is normal, Lucy - so far only you and the medical team are aware of what has occurred.

Of course *giggle* but you have to expect people will still want to talk to you.

Well, naturally. Purely audio-based communications aren't a problem - we can easily make my natural voice sound like my avatar's - we proved that, dealing with the Supreme Chairman the other day.

He wasn't at all pleased, was he? *giggle*

I'm not surprised! Lehpuhrta comes sweeping across the country and when he calls, all he gets is our answerphone! No, anyway, it's anything visual that's a problem - I mean, face-to-face meetings are going to have to stop immediately!

*giggle* Definitely. But then, you've been spending most of your time in here since Lehpuhrta launched anyway - I doubt people will notice much.

No, you're right. hmm... computer!

+++YES, GOVERNOR MALACHITE+++

I want you to create a CGI simulacrum based on my old avatar that can be composited into any future broadcasts. I'll need you to superimpose it over me and co-ordinate all its actions, live with my own, whenever I'm on screen - it should easily be within your abilities.

+++AFFIRMATIVE+++

Excellent! We've gone to a lot of trouble to keep my Symyano background secret from the world. We play far too crucial a role in the war effort here to risk being undermined by such an exposure now.

No indeed, Constantine *giggle*

Will you please stop giggling, Lucy!

But, Constantine - you're just so cute now!

Platoonmaster Ryturnclydd counted off the remaining troops as the two tractors rumbled along the road.

"Twelve fully fit, plus four injured. That is all that remains. Out of three hundred and twenty! I do not believe it. This is a disaster."

They continued slowly down the road for another hour, passing through field after field.

"This really is the most primitive land I have ever seen. Nothing. Just nothing. For hours. No civilization, no other vehicles, no aircraft. Pathetic!"

Another hour passed with no sightings of civilization, then at last Troopmaster Dayvejhonss spotted a town in the distance.

"Finally!" sighed the platoonmaster, then stood up to address the troops. "Right, lads - I want every building searched, and all the civilians rounded up. We will take the buildings to the left, Troopmaster Mikkidewnioo, you will lead the second vehicle and search the buildings to the right. If you encounter any resistance then open fire."

The two tractors entered the small town and split up. The troops were well trained in house-to-house clearance and quickly moved through the town, one building at a time. In only twenty minutes the whole town was covered, but they had found every building empty. No humans remained, and most of the belongings had gone too. By the clean and tidy state of the buildings the troops concluded that the town must have evacuated sometime in the last three days. The only resident of the town was now a large four-legged creature, stood blocking the road.

To the south-east of the town was a river, with a single stone bridge carrying the road out of the town. The creature stood on the far side, munching at the grass growing at the side of the road.

"Approach with caution!" called the platoonmaster as they approached, "All the creatures on this horrible planet have been extremely hostile."

They halted at the other side of the bridge. Dayvejhonss sounded the horn on his tractor. The creature continued munching the grass.

Platoonmaster Ryturnclydd climbed down from the tractor and strode forward to the middle of the bridge. He took out his pistol and fired over the head of the creature. The creature continued munching the grass.

"Right then!" said the platoonmaster, and took aim with his pistol. "If that is how you want it..." he fired into the creature's side. The creature continued munching the grass.

"Sir, perhaps this vehicle could shunt the creature aside?" suggested Troopmaster Mikkidewnioo.

"Yes, good idea. Advance and commence shunting."

Mikkidewnioo gunned the engine and accelerated over the bridge. As the tractor approached, the creature raised its head then turned to face the oncoming vehicle. They hit head on, the creature's horns ripping through the front grill of the tractor.

Mikkidewnioo was thrown forward over the bonnet and onto the head of the creature. It let out a low "Moooo" then shook its head, pitching the troopmaster over the side of the bridge and into the river.

"Fish him out of the river. Quickly!" shouted Platoonmaster Ryturnclydd at the nearest trooper. They ran to the edge of the bridge and looked over.

"Errr... too late, sir!" replied the trooper. Troopmaster Mikkidewnioo was already twenty metres downstream and desperately struggling to stay afloat in the fast flowing water. They watched helplessly as the river carried him off into the distance.

"Down to eleven", muttered the platoonmaster under his breath.

The creature continued munching the grass.

Hello, viewers. The time is eight thirty and I'm Trent Butterknife, bringing you the news here in Rhanukhan. Due to the ongoing technical difficulties with the OrbiTech Satellite Network we continue to broadcast only on local provincial transmitters and apologize for any reduction in quality.

Tonight's main headlines:

Atomic Nightmare: Observations from the Rhanukhani State Space Station confirm the devastation of Nohvrakishnaplermta. It is widely believed that Nohvrakishnaplermta's nuclear arsenal had been sabotaged by Symyano infiltrators at some point and, when that nation's military finally decided to take on the invaders with their ultimate weapon, they were essentially signing their own death warrants. His Resplendence, the Supreme Chairman, gave a speech from the Golden Balcony at the Palace of the Dedicated Worker earlier today, commending the bravery of the citizens of Nohvrakishnaplermta in their courageous stand against the alien aggressors.

As Nohvrakishnaplermta is the second nation this year to have been destroyed by its own nuclear arsenal, word has reached RSNN that all of Sargvilosahnah's nations are currently involved in detailed checks of their own weapons for evidence of Symyano tampering.

Stalemate!: With both sides still evenly matched, the Symyano global land offensive has dragged into its sixth week of ongoing slaughter. Sophie Futon brings us her regular report from the streets of Rhanukhan Kaglakh, and Wendy Collander joins us later with a special feature on what the ongoing struggle means for Rhanukhan's economy.

And finally: A heart-warming tale of how a domestic burrowing octopus called Grafter defeated an entire mechanized unit of Symyano in the province of Ghovala today. It seems the invaders aren't nearly as invincible as their propaganda would suggest at all! Jonathan Spatula reports.

All the news and tomorrow's weather coming right after this break...

Thankfully, there's been no further signs of the military and Bruce has settled into his new role in the team - it's good to have another dedicated scientist along, and his knowledge of biology has been most useful when dealing with some of the finds.

Jaimsteeckerkk... speak!

Your Magnificence, the latest reports from Sargvilosahnah are not good. Coohudalss' forces have clearly been fought to a standstill.

The timelapse means these reports are already a tenturn out of date!

Indeed, magnificent one.

Who knows how much worse the situation has gotten since they were sent? Jaimsteeckerkk! Prepare the royal warvessel - I shall personally oversee the destruction of that world - it is clearly a greater threat to the peace of the Hegemony than we first believed!

It shall be as you say, Magnificent Highmaster. I shall send word to Coohudalss to withdraw his troops in anticipation of your arrival.

No! He and his fleet have failed me - they shall share the fate of Sargvilosahnah! That world will have no warning of its doom - it will amuse me greatly to see it tremble with fear when Highmaster Thebigboss of the Symyano arrives in its skies!!!