IRC Funnies Vol. 1 - Welcome to the IRC World

<Gloriax_> Match drawn, Jeck, well played!
<Jeck> You too Gloriax... I'll batter you! :P
<Jeck> Ok Nexxus, just because I can't be arsed to look, when will you complete your two match series?
<Nexxus> March 29th.
<Gloriax_> Why? What did I do?
<Gloriax_> Jeck?
* Gloriax_ is now known as Glo
<Nexxus> Relax Glo, I'm pretty sure it was a joke.
<Jeck> NO, In the next test Glo! :P
<Glo> I know, man, jus inquiring....
<Glo> *just
* Jeck hits Gloriax across the face
<Nexxus> lol, I misinterprete.
<Glo> Nexxus, now I'm gonna batter you! For misinterpretation!!! :P
<Nexxus> Dammit, I can't win. lol
<Nexxus> BTW, Jeck, congrats on qualifying for the BoF Round of 16.
* Glo hits Jeckland accross the face twice!
* Jeck cries
* Glo WINS!
* Nexxus runs to the other side of the room to help Jeck.
* Nexxus slaps Glo
* Glo takes out me dagger
* Nexxus runs like a coward.
* Glo ssys," Only Jeck, you, left! Haha!"
<Glo> *says
* Jeck pulls out bazooka
<Jeck> SURRENDER OR DIE!!!!
* Glo programs protective shield round him and takes out his missile
<Glo> SURRENDER OR DIE!!!!
* Nexxus grabs popcorn and waits for the explosion.
* Jeck slaps Nexxus
<Jeck> HELP ME OUT HERE!!!!
<Nexxus> Ouch.
<Nexxus> I'll help.
* Nexxus transforms
* Nexxus is now known as Yveltal
* Yveltal attacks Glo brutally.
* Jeck uses Unknown Phsycotic Dictatsorship Transformation
* Jeck is now known as Jecatria
<Yveltal> Don't mess with a legendary pokemon.
<Jecatria> Awww... can I hit his unconscious body???
<Yveltal> Go for it.
* Yveltal transforms
* Yveltal is now known as Nexxus
* commerceheights throws a Nest Ball
* Gloriax has joined
<Gloriax> (OOC: Sorry)
* Gloriax thinks of Gandhi and tries to give a frindly handshake to both
* Jecatria is now known as Jeck
<Nexxus> Accepts, now that Yveltal realized that he was attacking a laggy decoy.
<Nexxus> Dammit, forgot the /me.
* Glo has quit (Ping timeout: 198 seconds)
* Jeck shakes Gloriax's hand
* Gloriax says,"I love humanity!, But I still have a missile and bang!!!!!
* Nexxus shakes Gloriax's hand, then does a WWE-trademarked clothesline.
* Nexxus then transforms.
* Gloriax has left
* Nexxus are now known as Yveltal
<Yveltal> Oh crap, he left.
* Yveltal changed nick to Nexxus
<Nexxus> Okay, hopefully that's over. I'm gonna save the log to Moments of IRC Weakness.

March 24, 2014, #nssport
[20:07] <Jeck> Thanks PIS. I've lost ount of the times you have helped/informed/put me in my place
[20:07] <PIS> "any money you took cheaply however, i'm spending that thanks"
[20:07] * PIS puts Jeck in a cupboard.
[20:07] <Myt> lol
[20:07] * Audio puts the cupboard on the lawn
[20:07] * Myt puts the cupboard in the back of a lorry
[20:08] == GAS [webchat@user-0cemiss.cable.mindspring.com] has joined #nssport
[20:08] <PIS> :O
[20:08] <PIS> myt
[20:08] <PIS> you mean to say you fetched the cupboard?
[20:08] * Audio drives the lorry off a cliff
[20:08] <PIS> from the lawn?
[20:08] <GAS> toodle-oo.
[20:08] <PIS> from a lawn in AO?
[20:08] <PIS> you were on Audio's lawn? :O
[20:08] <Audio> GET OFF MY LAWN
[20:08] <Myt> ...
[20:08] * Myt excretes
[20:08] * Jeck fights to get out
[20:09] <Audio> (it took me a while to realise I was being set up for that one)
[20:09] <Jeck> Oh great, you guys killed me. You fools. That means filling in a lot of paperwork.
[20:09] <Audio> there's paper in the cupboard
[20:09] <Audio> you'll have to imagine the pen
[20:10] <Jeck> Sorry, I am unable to do the paperwork due to the slight inconvenience of my death.
[20:10] <Audio> there's a defibrilator in the cupboard
[20:10] <Audio> under the paper
[20:10] <Jeck> I'M DEAD
[20:10] <Audio> next to the apricot
[20:10] * PIS can't use the green stamp unless you fill out all the paperwrk
[20:10] <Jeck> I CAN'T USE A DEFIBRILATOR!
[20:10] <PIS> i'm afriad you have to stay in the terminal.
[20:10] <Myt> this seems like one highly prepared cupboard
[20:11] <Myt> I feel like Audio knew what he was doing when he put it on his lawn
[20:11] <Audio> read the defibrilator instructions
[20:11] <Audio> they're under the apricot
[20:11] <PIS> it is a big apricot
[20:11] <Jeck> I'm dead, or is this not getting across to you?
[20:11] <PIS> dead people don't talk.
[20:12] <Jeck> I'm a ghost.
[20:12] <Jeck> Or a zombie.
[20:12] <PIS> rankin
[20:12] <Audio> yes, okay Louie 'Fingers' Polaricci
[20:12] <PIS> Up Town Ian Rankin
[20:12] <Jeck> Whichever talks, but can't use a defibrilator, do paperwork, or eat a giant apricot.
[20:12] <PIS> which either is or should be an ian ranking chapter title
[20:12] <PIS> well you're no use
[20:13] <Audio> Jeck Whichever talks, but can't use a defibrilator, do paperwork, or eat a giant apricot. <--- ooh, I know this
[20:13] <Audio> is it 'Man'
[20:13] <Audio> ?
[20:13] <Jeck> I'm dead silly
[20:13] <PIS> is it "a river"
[20:13] <PIS> or "a shadow"
[20:13] <PIS> i thought you were just dead
[20:13] <Audio> shadow
[20:13] <Audio> that's it
[20:14] <Audio> are you a shadow, Jeck?
[20:14] <Audio> That's probably why PIS put you in that cardboard cupboard
[20:14] <PIS> his first is in dynamite, but not in ynamite
[20:14] <Audio> he was shadow boxing
[20:14] <Jeck> Yes.
[20:14] <PIS> booooooooo audio booooooooooooo
[20:14] <PIS> boooooooooooooooooooooooo
[20:14] * Audio bows

May 10th 2014 - #nssport
Electrum slaps Rinen with a clock
* Rinen bashes Electrum's nose in with the clock
* Electrum squeezes Rinen's nose and takes it
* Rinen shoots Electrum in the face with a catapult
* Jeck still wonders who Rinen is
* Rinen ties Jeck to the nearest lamppost and begins to tickle him
* Electrum straps Rinen to the lamppost next to Jeck and says LAMPPOSTS FIGHT
* Jeck punches Rinen
* Rinen grabs Electrum and bashes him against Jeck's lamppost
* Electrum grabs Rinen and places him in a cage
* NSideburn lights a cigarette
* NSideburn sits back and watches
* Sarian walks in
* Sarian walks out
* Rinen extinguishes NSideburn's cigarette with spit
* Jeck is still tied to a lampost and can't reach anyone
* Electrum takes NSideburn's cigarette and stuffs it in Rinen's face
* NSideburn lights another cigarette
* Rinen tries to pick the cage's lock with the cigarette
* Jeck spits on Rinen
* Rinen slithers through the bars, grabs NSideburn's cigarette, and stuffs it down Jeck's throat
* NSideburn realises they should mention Electrum scoring their match
* Jeck swallows cigarette like it's a piece of cheese
* NSideburn does so. Lights another cigarette.
* Rinen pokes Jeck in the eye with a poker
* Electrum shrinks Rinen and places the small Rinen into Jeck, before revealing to the world that in one minutes time, the shrinkness will wear off and Rinen will return to normal size, but is stuck in Jeck's body
* Jeck realises this is probably gonna hurt
* NSideburn lights a second cigarette.
* Jeck regurgitates tiny Rinen
* NSideburn lights a third cigarette.
* Rinen bursts out of Jeck's body and turns his host into so many chunks of meat with a katana
* NSideburn puts on shades.
* Jeck already regurgitated Rinen, so that is impossible
* NSideburn lights a cigar.
* Jeck nicks NSideburn's shades
* Rinen puts on CSI: Miami
* NSideburn pours a pint
* Electrum
Jeck
Oh now I know who Rinen is! Silly me
* Electrum Electrum's
* NSideburn pours a second pint for their other hand
* Rinen sneaks a sip of NSideburn's drink
<Electrum> Oh really now
<Electrum>who
<Sarian> Yui-nyan
<Jeck> Rinen [Rinen!uid29388@id-29388.ealing.irccloud.com] * Yui-nyan
<Jeck> Dammit! Jeck 3-3 Sarian!
<Sarian> NINJA'D
<Sarian>3-3
<Jeck> Oh but I said 3-3 first!
<Jeck> 4-3!
<Sarian> :(

May 17th, #nssport
* Darvale evolves into Darvaliosaur
== Darvale is now known as Darvaliosaur
<Darvaliosaur> Beat that lol :P
* Rien slices Darvaliosaur's tendons with a scalpel
* Sarian evolves into Saridactal
* Jeck grabs popcorn
== Sarian is now known as Saridactal
* Saridactal attacks Darvaliosaur
* Rien brings a tub of ice-cream and settles down beside Jeck
* Jeck eats ice cream and popcorn at the same time
* Darvaliosaur cuts off Rien's ass cheeks and sticks them on his chest with superglue :P
<Electrum> Hi Jeck :D
* Jeck is disturbed by Darvaliosaur's behaviour
<Jeck> Hi Electrum
* Rien is /profoundly/ disturbed
* Saridactal rips Rien's arse cheeks off Darvaliosaurs body and gauges out his eyes.
* Saridactal returns Riens arse to Rien.
<Electrum> Gouges**
* Darvaliosaur is disturbed by Jeck being disturbed by me
* Rien regenerates the missing pieces and swats aside Sarian's offering
<Electrum> Why are you people so strang
<Electrum> e
* Saridactal Roars at Riens insulence
<Rien> Oh, like you're an exception :P
* Saridactal evolves into King Fabulous
* Rien hamstrings King Fabulous
== Saridactal is now known as KingFabulousSarian
* Jeck plays boules with Darvale's eyes
* KingFabulousSarian group
* Rien plays tenpin bowling with Darvale's other eye
* Jeck joins in with the tenpin bowling
== Sangti [~Sangti@49.144.107.123] has quit (Ping timeout: 194 seconds)
* KingFabulousSarian gets a strike
* Darvaliosaur regenerates his eyes
<KingFabulousSarian> well duh, I'm fab-u-lous!
* Rien gets a strike on KingFabulousSarian's arse
* Darvaliosaur noms Sarian's eyes
* Darvaliosaur noms Rien's eyes
<KingFabulousSarian> My eyes are to fabulous to be nommed upon.
* Darvaliosaur noms Jeck
<KingFabulousSarian> And my arse is reserved :P
* Jeck shoves someone's eyes up someone's arse, he can't even remember who they belong to ermahgerd this is confusing
* Darvaliosaur shoves Jeck from the former's stomach into the eyeholes of Rien
* Rien whips out protective goggles and puts them on
* Darvaliosaur shoves Jeck into Rien's mouth
== Nexxus has quit (Quit: Connection closed for inactivity)
* Darvaliosaur has seemingly killed everyone
* Jeck regenerates
* Jeck evaporates Darvaliosaur
* Rien respawns
* Rien boils Jeck's brains
== LE [webchat@213.86.193.53] has joined
== ChanServ set mode +v LE
<Electrum> oh my god
* Darvaliosaur comes back through precipitation
<Electrum> dear
<LE> this is quite possibly the best rugby match I've watched in a while
<Electrum> wow
* Jeck stabs Rien with a cocktail
* Jeck stick
<LE> has had everything
* Darvaliosaur shoves a raccoon up Jeck's arse
* Jeck toasts Rien over an open fire
<LE> three tries, lots of penalties, a sending off, a sin bin
<LE> the team down to 13 coming from behind
* Darvaliosaur throughs Jeck into an oven
* KingFabulousSarian bakes Jeck to perfection
* Rien noms a kitsune and breathes fire at Jeck
<LE> FT Crusaders 25 Sharks (14 men) 30
* Darvaliosaur makes Jeck a pizza
<Electrum> Please, stop this madness
* KingFabulousSarian moans at Rien for over cooking Jeck.
* Jeck deep fat fries Electrum
KingFabulousSarian
HE WAS COOKED TO PERFECTION YOU MONSTER!
* KingFabulousSarian charges at Rien.
<Electrum> Bah, who cares about nrl?????? AFL mate
* Rien shrugs and continues to tear strips off Jeck
* Jeck cooks KingFabolousSarian to perfection.
* Darvaliosaur stops Sarian, puts him into an oven, and makes Sarian a pizza
<Jeck> Happy now?
<Electrum> Sorry, I am unfryable at the moment
* Jeck boils Electrum
<LE> Electrum: not NRL
* Jeck bakes Electrum
<LE> Super Rugby
<LE> union
* Jeck roasts Electrum
<KingFabulousSarian> You can't cook me, I am too fabulous.
* Darvaliosaur electrifys Electrum through electrified electrocution
<Jeck> You can't just say that!
<Electrum> I'm sorry, I have no time for your shenanigans Jeck or Darvale
<Jeck> GODMODDER! :P
<Darvaliosaur> :P
* Jeck makes Electrum a watch
<Jeck> Now you have time
<Electrum> I am writing an essay into the morphological development of toddlers undergoing first language acquisition at the multi-word stage
* Darvaliosaur calls the mods
* Jeck throws toddlers at Electrum
== KingFabulousSarian is now known as Sarian
<Electrum> LE, can't tell the difference, serves me right as a Melbournian
* Rien doubts that the NS mods police IRC RP
== Sarian is now known as KingFabulousSarian
<Electrum> I don't need toddlers Jeck! Not helpful
== KingFabulousSarian is now known as Sarian
* Darvaliosaur steals KingFabulousSarian's throne
<Sarian> You can't steal my throne...
<Jeck> Fine!
<Sarian> This isn't Game of Thrones.
* Jeck steals Sarian
* Darvaliosaur noms Jeck
* Jeck shoves Sarian into a cupboard
* Jeck sits on Sarian's throne
* Darvaliosaur opens the cupboard and noms Sarian
<Sarian> bitchpls, you can't sit on the fabulous throne
<Darvaliosaur> Jeck can't sit on the throne because he his currently in my stomach
<Sarian> you ain't fabulous enough
* Darvaliosaur objects Sarian
<Sarian> and you can't eat me, I'm just to damn fabulous
== Sarian is now known as KingFabulous
* Rien fries Sarian with a flamethrower

July 7th, PM with Llama
14:23 LlamaWBC here's one
14:23 LlamaWBC "Yo Mama's so dumb, she adopted you"
14:23 Jeck Owzers
14:24 LlamaWBC You can have it
14:24 Jeck NO, I don't steal burns
14:24 Jeck What do you take me for?
14:29 LlamaWBC I'm trying to be a socialist!
14:29 LlamaWBC Take it! Take my money!
14:30 Jeck No! Capitalism is better!
14:31 LlamaWBC There are two burn-affulents on here and one burn-poor person
14:31 LlamaWBC Therefore, I propose a 33% burn tax rate!
14:32 Jeck So you must give one out of every three burns to the government?
14:35 LlamaWBC Yep
14:36 LlamaWBC Some burns will be spent on defense, others given away for welfare
14:36 Jeck Lol
14:37 LlamaWBC And I daresay that the United Socialist States of Burn will be - *is assassinated*
14:37 Jeck I'm laughing so hard

August 3rd, #nssport
→ Jeck has joined
* Jeck appears
* Kirina kills Jeck
← Sarian has quit (Ping timeout: 202 seconds)
Jeck Oh you're quite the charmer
Jeck Jeckland 3-2 Mizuyuki
* Kirina hammers Jeck into oblivion
Jeck Like I did your lead of the group
← Vyktory has quit (Ping timeout: 202 seconds)
Kirina Ahaha.
Kirina Ahahahaha.
Jeck I'm going to have a shower now
Jeck Perhaps you should also
Jeck In cold water
Jeck It'll help with the burn

August 4th, #loveboat
→ Inevitable has joined
→ Erathore has joined
Erathore
I found my home
Inevitable
... And that's when she told me she was only fifteen.
Jeck
I can't be arsed to talk you through my terrible pickup lines
← Llama has quit (Quit: how about no)
Jeck
Fifteen? Send details :P
And I have no love stories, having never been with a girl
Inevitable
Naturally, I recoiled in horror, and backed right out of the hotel room. Only problem was, the only unlocked exit was the balcony.
Jeck
So I'll just sit here
→ Quebec|Novel has joined
Quebec|Novel
Hi betches
Inevitable
So, here I am, six stories up, completely starkers, looking for an escape route!
Erathore
love it
Quebec|Novel
One of my suggestions if your love interest is an avid fiction reader: Write a novel ;)
Inevitable
I looked down, and saw everyone taking part in the night time entertainment, which I think was bingo or something?
Quebec|Novel
Yttribia: Can you by any chance permanently voice me or so, if possible?
lol
Inevitable
Anyway, I tried to climb onto the next balcony, as I felt I had to escape as quickly as possible.
As you remember, I'd already left my clothes in my room, after the incident with the buffet car...
Quebec|Novel
Oops
Inevitable
So, I managed to hoy myself over to the next balcony, and tried the door to the room.
Locked.
→ SJG has joined
Yttribia
Register your nick, Quebec
Inevitable
Cursing myself, I looked down again. It was far too high to jump, so I made my way to the next room.
In this one was a couple that'd fallen asleep, but the balcony door was wide open.
ⓘ ChanServ set mode +v Inevitable
Inevitable
I guess they didn't expect a stark naked seventeen year-old climing into their room from six stories up, eh?
Anyway, this is unimportant, as I quickly stole their keycard (it was by the door) and escaped out of the room.
→ RTB|GAS has joined
Jeck
But you're still naked
Inevitable
Checking my watch, I noticed it was getting late, and people would be coming up from the poolside soon.
Yes, I was still naked.
So I sprinted it back to my room on the fourth floor, and tried the door.
It was, of course, locked.
→ Vaug|Trombone has joined
SJG
oh
ⓘ It's been an honor telling you our stories.
Inevitable
I'd left my keycard with my clothes, which were probably in the kitchen by now.
SJG
Did somebody saw you naked?
Inevitable
Well, it was empty, because of the bingo.
So, I climbed out to the fire exit, trying to find a way onto the baloncies.
*balconies
Luckily, there was a way, and I remembered I'd left my balcony door open a touch.
ⓘ Quebec|Novel is now known as Quebec
Inevitable
This was on the other side of the hotel, which was awkward, as it faced the road.
RTB|GAS
so you were naked in a hote?
*hotel
Inevitable
I think someone might have seen me in their car, but Cypriots don't really care about pasty-white boys leaping from balconies.
Anyway, I got back in, changed into clothes, and tried to get to the kitchen.
Only, she stops me on the way and asked why I left in such a hurry.
Jeck
You don't know the meaning of pasty white
I'm the whitest guy here
Inevitable
You'd be suprised.
Jeck
I'm albino. Beat that
SJG
Son of the sun
Inevitable
Oh. Okay, you win. Anyway, she's pranging out, getting mad at me, and I try to explain that she's far too young, when people start coming back.
I spot my uncle, she also spots him, and you know what she does?
She bloody pulls me into a lift, hits the button for the top floor, and tries to kiss me!
She succeeded, for like three seconds, before I did that old trick where you slam every button, making the lift stop at each floor.
Jeck
Was your uncle still there?
Inevitable
He was on the stairs, and only saw us going up.
Quebec
lol
Vaug|Trombone
How old were you when this happened?
Inevitable
17, I mentioned earlier. :P
Quebec
Far too young?????
Vaug|Trombone
I didn't join till later.
Quebec
How old's that girl like
RTB|GAS
15, right?
Jeck
15, twas the reason for the escape
SJG
yes
Inevitable
Ye
Jeck
I'm putting this in my IRC funnies so y'all can see later
Quebec
Heehee
Jeck
That is if it's okay with Inevitable
SJG
lel
Inevitable
It's fine.
Jeck
Sharing his story with the whole world
Anyway, continue
RTB|GAS
Audio's said worse stuff thats in people's sigs
SJG
Like what?
RTB|GAS
:P
never mind
Jeck
But that's Audio
RTB|GAS
continue Inev
Inevitable
So, I went to the kitchen, and they handed me my clothes, sneered at me, and I sheepishly walked back to my room, keycard in one hand, clothes in another.
RTB|GAS
why didnt you put the clothes on?
Inevitable
I was wearing new clothes. I'd made it back to the room.
Anyway, that was it. That was the last night.
I wish I'd picked the other one, now.
Jeck
And that kids is the story of how I met your mother