"We have confirmed that 54 nuclear explosions took place throughout the entirety of The Niahvogalese Federation. Our intelligence suggests that The Niahvogalese Federation had launched 54 nuclear missiles, which were aimed to attack Nohvrakishnaplermta, Glerica, Gamiatianekan Idiokrahtia, Ahzekhteesi, and Veletarna.

We believe that all of the missiles malfunctioned, for an unknown reason, and that they all landed - and detonated - on Niahvogalese territory.

Nohvrakishnaplermtan reconnaissance aircraft have surveyed The Niahvogalese Federation, and have reported that they were unable to find a trace of life in the country anymore.

This is a sad day, due to the complete loss of life that is so far apparent. However, The Niahvogalese Federation would have caused terrible damage to other countries, had the missiles not failed to reach their targets. The Niahvogalese, it would seem, wanted to destroy their enemies.

On another note, the entire crew of the reconnaissance plane that was caught in the midst of one of the nuclear explosions have been rescued after their plane put down in the sea. There have been some severe injuries, and all have been subjected to moderate amounts of radiation, but all are expected to make a full recovery."

Posted by SplortBoy67:
Hello, I'm.. well I better not say my name, but I'm a soldier of the Glerican Army, more specifically the secret (for now) Splort Squadron. They'll deny it, but I've encryped my location, so they won't know who's posting this. Anyway I'm making this my log.

I'm on Recon duty, currently using the new splort suits... these suits allow us to teleport anywhere AND allow us to teleport back without needing the massive ammounts of energy. Yesterday I was in the heart of the Defence Office of Nohvrakishnaplermta, just splorted right into the records vault and back again after I... completed my mission. Anyway here is a piccy of the suit:

[Posted Image]

Nice eh? The helmet is rarely needed, but the real business is down at the boots... our own little mini splort-platforms. Anyway... more to come and don't tell anyone!

Posted by BerriesRFunxx:
LOL u lier! Splortin is well not that good

Posted by JimGL:
I dunno, that suit looks really authentic!

So, splort tec...................uldn't possib.....................loped to a suitab.....................n time, hmm?

Thank you, Pr............................ead the report and you're ri..........................ite of the denia...............gly suspect Glerica has man-portable spl....................logy in develop.....................s we speak.

Wha.............................ng to do about it - Do................gers didn't even deign to rep........................fer!

I kn........................as most surp..............................urrently atte........................ltrate agents onto the splo........................pment sta..............................ade an even more gen......................fer to the Doctor.

...............ed a worki.................ple of that techn...................n develop a coun...............ure! If the Gle...............n't underst.......................uly abou....................et the wro...........................se it to disru..................ns - then the who................................ay the price!

Ind........................uld be disas - wait! Wha......................ady onto us? Think abo..................essor - how could Gleri................................sibly developed such a.........................nced technology in such a sho.......................me?

......................mean? Oh no!

.........es! Somewhere in the Gl..................rarchy there mus..................r more agents of th................

[Signal lost]

Posted by SplortBoy67:
Well, well well... security has been stepped up for some unknown reason back at the Institute. Something apparantly about a leak about the new technology... I wonder what that could have been? Anyway we've pretty much been on low duty since that exploit into Nohvrakishnaplermta got aparantly found out and to all those unbelievers lets just say that the Nohvrakishnaplermtan government has a "Khigastujami Alliance Backup Plan"...

Anyway, today something has got the Intelligence Office's attention, something about pirate broadcasts in Rhanukhani about Professors or something. Apparantly, we've been tracking them for several months, but since we have the Splort suits we can get right in there and have a good poke about. I was send to some remote - and I mean REALLY remote- locations where they thought they were being broadcast from, but nothing. Just some disused bunkers with odd markings.

Also, one of the squad miscalcualted his Splort zone and ended up getting spliced. Erm... this is when a part of you gets splorted and the other part of you doesn't. It isn't very nice... I bet they don't announce THAT in a hurry!

.....essor! Assem............earch team and prepare for transport imme..........

What is it? What's hap...............

.........ust received disturbing intel...................................ericans. You'll be joined by a GB....................ity detachment whe.....................................e at your destination.

...hat? Where?

............ormation is sketchy at be...................e's a possibil...................ica's splort infiltra...............ently visi................stplace!

You mea...

Yes! My initial bas..............ations when I first ar........................try. It wo...................ur commun......................n't as secure as we beli......

But... bu.............................hing there an..........................old me you mov..................................en you se............aTech!

I did - only s.......................ere and tha.............ied beneath the b.............................ld find it! But if a spl......................s made into Firs............n there may be some sort of evi.....................lp us develop a sui..................asure. Assem...........................eam swiftly, Pr..................................opter is already on its w................nd I have other calls to ma......

[Signal lost]

Good evening viewers. The time is eleven o'clock and I'm Trent Butterknife bringing you the news all across Sargvilosahnah, thanks to the Rhanukhan OrbiTech satellite communications network!

Tonight's main headlines:

New Provinces: Now that the colony of Lazarastra is both fully occupied and firmly under Rhanukhani control, the government has announced plans to split it into three new provinces. Dwight Alabaster brings us his latest report including speculation on those with their eyes on the provincial governors’ jobs.

Neutered Niahvogalese: We can confirm earlier reports that The Niahvogalese Federation's abortive and ultimately self destructive nuclear strike has left no survivors on the nation's mainland. Questions are now being asked about what will become of the Niahvogalese colonists in the Eruhani Ocean, who presently represent all that remains of the nation. Rhanukhani armed forces in Lazarastra remain on full alert although there have been no reported signs of activity since the devastation earlier this week.

Profitable Holidays: Malachite Evolving Enterprises continues to dominate the Rhanukhan Stock Exchange as shares in RhanuTour prove to be as lucrative as any of Constantine Malachite's other companies. Wendy Collander brings us tonight's financial news.

One Man and His Splort: Rumours abound regarding the possibility that Glerica has already managed to downsize its recently unveiled splort technology to a portable level. Could this be the end of the road for conventional forms of travel? Jonathan Spatula reports on the matter and also consults our panel of experts.

And finally: Although slammed by officials for its rebellious and insubordinate lyrics, The Shirkers' new single, "Time Off!", has made chart history by holding the number one spot for a staggering five months - beating previous record holders, Nose2Grindstone with "Callouses of Pride", back in the summer of 2004. Our own pop princess, Melanie Sofabed, interviews the band later in the programme.

All the news, sport and tomorrow's weather coming right after this break...

It pleases me to inform you that Captain Irving is in reasonable health, considering all she has been through. She remains unconscious, however, and all attempts to rouse her thus far have met with failure. I have passed your request to splort the captain out of Lazarastra on to Governor General Gravyboat as it represents a potential breach of his security - you can expect to hear from him shortly.

Our patrols have not encountered any further members of her crew in the area at present, though the terrain in western Lazarastra is extremely rugged following the original Banana impact and there are plenty of places they could remain hidden. We will keep you updated on this matter.

Best regards,

Allistair Ballustrade - Rhanukhani Foreign Minister

Agent Yello.............e closest to wh.......................ding that Glerican capt.................ve a mission for you.

A..................mand, as ever, Mr......................

.............rican's have requested permi.................eir new spl.....................gy to evac...............tain - this is.........................portunity to stud............ction.

Ind.............s, sir - wha....................an?

.................ulling in a couple of fa.......................nsure they get that per.....................eed you to be in pos.............................cal facility. You we.....................ied with a range of sen............................rding devices whe...........................loyed in Lazaras...............re you not?

......as, sir.

Then I ne.............ole of the splo............................ding in every ava...................edium. Once yo........................ation, I will arran.................................urned to Rhanukhan wher..................and it to me perso....................body else - understo.....

...es, sir!

[signal lost]

Following careful consideration of the security implications surrounding this event, Governor General Gravyboat has given the go-ahead for you to employ your splort technology within Lazarastran borders. Please find attached documents covering the co-ordinates you are to operate within and maximum number of Glerican personnel permitted to deploy. Please be warned that the entire operation at the Lazarastran end will be under scrutiny by our military and science observers.

Best regards,

Caroline Soapdish - Secretary to Governor General Gravyboat

This is Dune Carolee, reporting live from Raspberry Fields, on the most extraordinary story in Mianertograditojikayhan’s history. Just after 6am this morning, a 16,000 ton nuclear submarine materialised on St. Blanka's Avenue, in central Raspberry Fields.

The configuration and markings of the vessel suggest it is of Glerican design, but so far no contact has been made with the crew, if indeed there is anyone on board. The submarine appears to be functional as the propeller is still spinning. It is unknown whether any nuclear weapons are on board.

Traffic has ground to a standstill and, in fact, a number of vehicles have been ground to a pulp! Police have now cleared the immediate area and issued the submarine with a parking ticket, congestion charge, and a fine for not displaying a valid tax-disc or licence plates.

Back to you in the studio!

Man 1: "Who the HELL green-lit the Submarine SPLORT?! Michaels!"
Man 2: "It wasn't me! We don't even have that sort of technology to Splort something THAT big - right, Doctor Rodgers?"
Rodgers: "Well, actually..."
Man 2: "You what? When exactly were you planning on telling us this?"
Rodgers: "Well, I was scared... tests needed to be carried out."
Man 1: "How far have you developed this?"
Rodgers: "You mean apart from the suits?"
Man 1: "Of course, apart from the suits! We've known about those bloody things for ages!"
Rodgers: "Well, we've equipped that submarine with its own Splort device, but they must have used it before the Splort technicians were stationed there. Hence the, erm... miscalculation."
Man 2: "That’s one hell of a miscalculation, Rodgers!"
Rodgers: "Look, it's not my fault - I TOLD the captain not to use it until the technicians got there!"
Man 1: "How did it get on land?!"
Rodgers: "It’s a Splort Submarine, not a bloody bus. Splorting means it can go anywhere. We're damn lucky it Splorted on to the street rather than through it.
Man 1: "What else have you developed?"
Rodgers: "We've equipped some other vehicles and, of course, the Splort Gun..."
Man 2: "The-? Wait, is this thing o-"

[Communication ended]

Well, Mr........................e've assembled all the inf......................e can. Bo...................sults from Firs..........................nsive information provid.............................ellow. There should be mor...............................nderstand the mecha...................................an's splort technology.

Excellent, Profe........................u believe you can develop a func..........................sruptor?

Certainly - the spl....................................rk on a principle of dest....................inal and creati..........py from mass at the desti..................nt Yellow's information rev........................evel of mass in the captain's ro..........................................ver altered at any sta............................eration. A truly insa..............................rtation - some form of spacial compres...........................e far superior! Theoretically, if w....................ck the splort sig.....................................ould be a simple matter to subv...............................................truction of both ori....................opy.

Ingenious! I expect we co........................biTech satellite networ.....................ough - we've alrea....................oying it to elimina...................nient transmissions of the regu...........................o work on it immediat...................ssor, this takes top pri.............................o expense!

[Signal lost]

Hello and good evening, viewers! Welcome to the provincial capital of Kharanwhari! That's right, people - from today onwards Lazarastra has been divided into three new provinces. The easternmost province retains the name and capital of Lazarastra, but here in the west we have Kharanwhari, centred on the new city springing up around the former Nohvrakishnaplermtan Alpha Outpost, and in between the two is the new province of Bahamghar!

Lazarastra itself will remain under the governorship of General Sebastian Gravyboat, hero of the liberation, but the creation of the new provinces has opened up two new governing positions, and some big names have already thrown their hats into the ring! We've had interest from Major James Tumbledryer - son of Lazarastra's former governor, General Reese Tumbledryer - and, also from a military background, Admiral Roderick Salad-Spinner who retired from the navy last year - he's seen as a solid, dependable choice. Both face stiff competition from not only politicians, but also other individuals from the business world and even the entertainment industry! Janet Bookshelf - CEO of Yo!Uranium plc - and the ubiquitous Constantine Malachite - clearly looking to expand his empire of interests beyond the Rhanukhani stock exchange - have already put themselves forward, but the surprise runner was movie legend and action hero, Brett Showercap - star of "Hunter" and "False Truths" - what he might bring to the table is anybody's guess!

The other big news from Kharanwhari was Glerica's use of their new splort technology to retrieve Captain Kelli Irving and return her safely home. RSNN weren't permitted to film the event, unfortunately, but we are informed that the whole operation was carried out without hitch and the good captain is safely back in Glerica tonight! We wish her a swift and full recovery from her ordeals of the last few weeks.

Dwight Alabaster, Rhanukhani State News Network (Kharanwhari - 23:41, 09/03/08)

While we are impressed by the Glerican Navy's swift deployment following the signing of our coastal defence pact, we were expecting submarines to be patrolling our coastal waters and shipping lanes, rather than the streets of our capital. Engineers using heavy lifting platforms and mobile cranes have now moved the submarine to Blackbury Docks, where the crew are currently inspecting her for damage.

Raspberry Fields Metropolitan Police eventually charged the captain with the following offences:

- Failure to display a valid tax-disc.
- Failure to display valid licence plates.
- Parking in a restricted zone.
- Failure to display suitable warning signage on an oversize vehicle.
- Driving without due care and attention.
- Kerb crawling.
- Not wearing a seat-belt while driving.
- Failure to make a customs declaration.

The captain has accepted these charges and agreed to a R40,000 fine and 9 points on his licence.

Good evening, viewers. The time is ten o'clock and I'm Trent Butterknife bringing you the news all across Sargvilosahnah, thanks to the Rhanukhan OrbiTech satellite communications network!

Tonight's main headlines:

More New Provinces: Surprise news from the Eruhani Ocean. It appears that billionaire business mogul, Constantine Malachite is a little too impatient to get that provincial governor's job he's had his eye on. Evidently he's spent the last few days in negotiations with the surviving Niahvogalese colonists on the Isle of Tantrum and Jilted Atoll... and bought both landmasses!

In return for kickstarting their local economies and providing employment for all the islands' denizens by absorbing existing local businesses into appropriate arms of Malachite Evolving Enterprises, Mr Malachite has been declared their official governor on behalf of the Rhanukhani government. He will be formally appointed by His Resplendence, the Supreme Chairman, in a ceremony tomorrow when the islands will also be renamed in traditional Old Rhanukhani.

Remnants of the Niahvogalese military on the islands have already sworn allegiance to His Resplendence and are being transported back to the mainland for full Rhanukhani military training. They are being replaced with Rhanukhani personnel already operating in the Eruhani Ocean.

Election Fever: In the other new provinces of Kharanwhari and Bahamghar, Constantine Malachite's actions have caused the competition to hot up with all the candidates hitting the campaign trail. Gillian Towelrail - our new political correspondent - brings us her first report on what promises to be a hard fought election.

Island Paradise: Just days after opening its doors to the world, RhanuTour have announced that Pemerktichotkhi’s Holiday Island is already their most popular destination with solid bookings all the way through to the end of the year.

Out of Order?: Viewers across the OrbiTech Communications Network may experience interruptions in service over the next few days as essential upgrades are implemented on all satellites. Thanks to the efficient and rapid deployment and return times available to the new Inspiration class spaceplanes, orbital missions like this can be carried out swiftly and inexpensively. Science correspondent, Jonathan Spatula brings us a special feature later in the programme.

And finally: Evidence of more survivors of the liberation of Lazarastra several weeks ago has been discovered. Details are sketchy at the moment, but we expect a full report from Dwight Alabaster at some point in the near future.

All the news, sport and tomorrow's weather coming right after this break...

........ratulations, Mr.....................................hat was quite the cou.....................ulled off today!

It was ind..................struction of The Niahvo...............ng to be a most profi..........vent. My surv.....................lready discov............................................anana-based ore, uniq..............................antrum which will be most u.........

Oh?

...ar not, Prof...........................e involved in that project onc...............................tiated.

My thanks, Mr......................I'm sure it will plea............................at work has already begu.............................biTech satellite ne.....................................tercept splo...........nals - with all the data Age........llow provi...................mple matter to ascert...................tern and frequency invol......

...cellent news, Professor - the................................gents in Gler................ink twice about using the sp..........id their maste..........................oves so unreliable.

Speaking of th........................... have you mana.................nfirm who amongst th...........icans is wor..............hem?

Not yet, no - th...................vered their tracks extr..................ll and have doubtle..............................or years, setting thin.....................ows which other nations they ha...............................filtrate?

[Signal lost]

Good evening, viewers. The time is eleven o'clock and I'm Trent Butterknife bringing you the news all across Sargvilosahnah, thanks to the Rhanukhan OrbiTech satellite communications network!

Tonight's main headlines:

Triumphant Return: Following yesterday's reports of newly discovered survivors of the Lazarastran liberation, RSNN can exclusively reveal the return of roving reporter, Sophie Futon! She'll be bringing her full report on her rescue, treatment for Banalite infection, and on her experiences under the influence of "Queen Lucy" Sideboard - the fugitive would-be ruler of Lazarastra, whose current whereabouts are still unknown.

New Governor: Constantine Malachite was formally appointed governor of the island provinces of Lehpuhrta and Currakhan - formerly the Isle of Tantrum and Jilted Atoll respectively - in a special ceremony today. Malachite Evolving Enterprises is using its vast resources to create a functional modern infrastructure on the islands, which were barely established as colonies by The Niahvogalese Federation when that nation was destroyed in a nuclear catastrophe recently. Dwight Alabaster was at the ceremony and gives us his report later in the programme.

Who's it Gonna Be?: Political correspondent, Gillian Towelrail brings us the latest round up of the election campaigns of those hopefuls wanting to be governor of Kharanwhari or Bahamghar - including a special interview with candidate, movie legend, and action hero, Brett Showercap - star of the "Exterminator" movies and "The Walking Man".

And finally: Ahztlarhan Rising? Archaeologists have reported finding evidence of a stone age civilization on the sea bed of the Hesslian Gulf, leading many to speculate that the legendary nation of Ahztlarhan - mythical homeland of the Rhanukhii tribe, who founded Rhanukhan in ancient times - may be more real than previously believed. Professor George Teapot, whose team made the discovery, has been quick to point out, however, that although several buildings have been found so far - including a large temple-like structure - none of them are made of pure gold as described in the myth. Jonathan Spatula brings us his report on the ongoing investigation.

All the news, sport and tomorrow's weather coming right after this break...

I see your agen.............................turn to the limeligh............ssor, and that she ap.............tored to her former appea...........

Yes, Mr........................e was put through the GBI-2 pro..............................ver of receiving treatment for ba..............ction. In spite of ap...................................mpletely devoted to our cau....

.....as surpris............rn she was alive at a....................ere she has been these last fe..................

...................btain a full acco.........................t her next debriefing, Mr.......................

Do tha.....................................ble to keep the news suppres............................et things up for a return to the fold - Miss Fu..................ore use as a..........................yal Rhanuk........................ain. The "uprisi...............ed it's purpose admira..................................ays have passed.

..................................ugh I'm slightly conce...........................ter-ego's reappe..............................ally believed we'd ma...........................aw attention away from "Qu.....................................................ious disappearance.

Yes, well... with your sur..............ew identi................ghly unlikely anyo..............ake the conne...................oved Majes............................ually slip into obsc.........................eantime, I'll make the nece.........................ents to keep her out of the ne..........

...ank you, Mr..............................

[Signal lost]

Good evening, viewers. The time is nine o'clock and I'm Trent Butterknife bringing you the news all across Sargvilosahnah, thanks to the Rhanukhan OrbiTech satellite communications network!

Tonight's main headlines:

Bananætherium Boost!: Governor Malachite's promise to kickstart the economies of the new island provinces in the Eruhani Ocean are off to an inspiring start with employment readily available in the new Bananætherium mines springing up all over Lehpuhrta! A scientific team working for Malachite Evolving Enterprises discovered the rare element - believed to be unique to the island - during a survey of resources prior to the new governor's purchase of the province from the former colonial leaders. Details of the element's properties or possible uses have yet to be released, but the sudden extensive mining operations imply that Constantine Malachite believes he's found himself yet another profitable venture.

Election Day: As voters in Kharanwhari and Bahamghar hit the ballot boxes, political correspondent, Gillian Towelrail, brings us the latest news in the election of the provinces' new governors. RSNN will bring you the results, live and exclusive later tonight!

And finally: A disturbing new antisocial trend is emerging in the form of "Nomming" - attacking a person by biting them. RSNN has received reports from the law enforcement agencies of many nations of a noticeable increase in this behaviour. What could it signify? We ask leading psychologist, Doctor Michael Terracotta, later in the program.

All the news, sport and tomorrow's weather coming right after this break...

Mr...................ave wonderful new.........ou!

You d......hat has occu............fessor?

We believe w..................ssfully employed the Spl............upter against the Gl................

.........es - there was a rep.................antial energy pe..........................iTech satelli................n assume tha...............r team?

Indeed it was, Mr...........................tected the initiation sig...........................ort trooper activating his sui...............epted the transmis.............................upter beam.

Excellent work, Pro................................ny confirmation that the Gler......................nitely disr..........

Nothi...............................eep cover agen..................rt project itself - we beli..................uppressing the information of the failure - bu...............................ested to read the memo our Foreign Mi.................................rican counterpart a short while ago...

[Signal lost]

His Resplendence, the Supreme Chairman, is most troubled by an event that occurred earlier today and believes the Glerican government may be able to shed a little light on the matter.

At approximately 17:45 in our province of Dariwhani, local law enforcers were called to an unusual scene. The body of a man had been discovered, in fact - if the reports are accurate - it had simply appeared before the witnesses. The body was in a rather distressed state, described as "turned inside out" by one witness. A study of the remains at the site suggest that he may have been wearing one of your recently unveiled Splort-Suits.

His Resplendence is concerned that Glerican operatives are employing splort technology to enter and leave Rhanukhan for unknown purposes and wishes to make it known that such behaviour will not be tolerated. If any further evidence of such activities is forthcoming, His Resplendence will consider it to be an invasion of Rhanukhani territory and thus an act of war... and will respond appropriately.

Best regards,

Allistair Ballustrade - Rhanukhani Foreign Minister

Good afternoon, viewers. The time is twelve o'clock and I'm Trent Butterknife bringing you the news all across Sargvilosahnah, thanks to the Rhanukhan OrbiTech satellite communications network!

Today's main headlines:

Strange New Sight in the Skies: Today saw the maiden flight of the exciting new FS41 "Starhawk" fighter aircraft, developed by Rhanukhan AeroTech – a subsidiary of Malachite Evolving Enterprises. This innovative new aircraft has been developed as a result of research into the new element, Bananætherium, which is currently being extensively mined on the island of Lehpuhrta.

Bananætherium’s unusual gravity manipulating properties mean that the "Starhawk" fighter doesn’t employ conventional jet technology, but instead levitates and manoeuvres via its own personal gravity field, manipulated by the pilot. This offers unprecedented manoeuvrability of a kind that would kill any ordinary pilot, which has required the Air Fleet to employ specially developed GBI-1 crewmen.

Experimental flights - testing the "Starhawk"'s limits and abilities - are expected to continue over the coming days and RSNN’s science correspondent, Jonathan Spatula, will be bringing us regular updates from Golden Fields AFB in Khun.

Lehpuhrtan Boom!: The Bananætherium mines of Lehpuhrta have turned that province's fortunes around and recent figures reveal that it currently enjoys the fastest growing economy in Rhanukhan! Governor Constantine Malachite - seen here leaving hospital yesterday, following treatment for an unspecified disease that has kept him out of the public eye for the last two weeks - will undoubtedly be delighted with the news.

And finally: In a special feature, provincial governor of Bahamghar, movie legend, and action hero, Brett Showercap - star of "Total Relapse" and the "Khonahn" movies shows Sophie Futon around his palatial new official residence on the shores of the Eruhani Ocean.

All the news, sport and tomorrow's weather coming right after this break...

Good evening, viewers. The time is ten o'clock and I'm Trent Butterknife bringing you the news all across Sargvilosahnah, thanks to the Rhanukhan OrbiTech satellite communications network!

Tonight's main headlines:

Eyes on the Skies: Astronomers at the Kanghari Main Observatory are warning of a possible new NSO - that's "Near Sargvilosahnah Object" - comets and asteroids that have been nudged by the gravitational attraction of nearby planets into orbits that allow them to enter Sargvilosahnah's neighborhood. The object was noticed during routine observation of a section of sky when it was realised a particular star was missing. There was no evidence that it had gone nova, leaving the only explanation being that a large, dark object had recently moved between us and it.

Authorities are naturally concerned about celestial impacts following the destruction of The Empire of Nerrekhvasukhan when the infamous Banana fell on it, late last year. A special team is being assembled to locate and study the object. We'll keep you updated on any new developments.

Eyes Still on the Skies: RSNN’s science correspondent, Jonathan Spatula, brings us his regular update on the experimental new FS41 "Starhawk" fighter aircraft from Golden Fields AFB in Khun.

And finally: We join Gillian Towelrail out in the field for exclusive live coverage of a special surprise event - stay tuned!

Hello and good evening, viewers! You join me, Gillian Towelrail, here at a secret location with members of the Rhanukhani National Security Agency for exclusive coverage of their latest operation and trust me - this is huge!

Billy - point that camera over there...

As you can see, viewers, I'm here alongside RNSA Agent, Delores Spicerack - who was involved in the Gabriel Matthews incident a couple of months ago - and a fully armed and armoured assault squad. The RNSA consider this a priority mission and are taking no chances... oops - it looks like we're going in!...

Gillian Towelrail, Rhanukhani State News Network (Secret Location - 22:26, 11/04/08)

[Transmission intercepted by Rhanukhani National Security Agency - Internal Division]

...and the GBI-2 process was a complete success - the world believes I was in the hospital because of a simple illness.

Wonderful news, Mr Malachite... and speaking of news, did you see the reports from Kanghari today?

Indeed I did, Professor, and I immediately set the OrbiTech Satellite Network to study the object.

And?...

It is as we feared! The Symyano Fleet is approaching.

It can't be! It's all happening too soon!

I'm afraid it is, Professor - we can only hope our -

*muffled thumping*

What the -

*sound of doors crashing open and numerous booted feet entering the room*

CONSTANTINE MALACHITE! THIS IS AGENT SPICERACK OF THE RNSA - YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR TREASON!!!

No! Not now!!!

Mr Malachite?! What is it? What's-

Lucy! Cut the signal now! Don't let them-

[signal lost]

[Special Live Broadcast from Rhanukhani State News Network]

...and the RNSA agents have surrounded Governor Constantine Malachite! They're demanding his immediate surrender on charges of treason!

Billy! Zoom in on that!

*camera shakily attempts to focus through the broken down doors of the governor's office, revealing a smartly dressed Constantine Malachite backing away from a radio. Armed and armoured RNSA operatives are fanning out around the room.*

Yes, it is indeed Mr Malachite... he appears to be - oh my! He's attacking them!

*Though clearly unarmed, an enraged looking Constantine rushes the nearest operative and, with a single blow, slams him back into the wall. Chaos erupts in the office.*

"CLOSE COMBAT, MEN - THE AGENCY NEEDS HIM ALIVE! DON'T SHOOT UNLESS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY!"

He's - he's - are you getting this Billy?! - He's taking them all on! This is incredible!

*Constantine, displaying superhuman strength, throws an operative across the room into two more before running towards the door*

He's coming this way! Billy!!!

"STOP HIM!"

*An operative draws a pistol and shoots Constantine in the leg. The governor goes down just feet from the camera*

-GASP!- Billy! Get that!

*RNSA operatives rush out into the corridor*

erm... you join me here at the Governor's Residence in Lehpuhrta, viewers, where we've just witnessed -

*Constantine leaps up, seemingly uninjured by the shot, and grabs the nearest operative - Agent Spicerack - in a headlock, using her as a shield*

"I can't let you interfere! Not now! Everybody back off!!"

*The camera pans left to right showing operatives frozen in a moment of confusion - Constantine sees his chance and takes it. Throwing Agent Spicerack into the squad, he wheels and sprints down the corridor at world record speed, clearly heading for the large window leading outside*

"DON'T LET HIM GET AWAY! FIRE AT WILL!!!"

*A choked Agent Spicerack weakly attempts to countermand the operative's order, but it's too late - a hail of bullets tears down the corridor, hammering into the fleeing figure and slamming him into the far wall. He goes limp and collapses to the floor. The operatives rush down, closely followed by the camera*

I-I-I-I don't believe what we've just witnessed, viewers! Constantine Malachite, millionaire business mogul and provincial governor... gunned down and killed in his own-

"He's not dead! Quickly, you saw what he was like! Get him cuffed and in the helicopter!"

He's not...? Billy! Get that camera in here!

*Camera swings down and focuses on the fallen body. Although his suit is ripped to shreds and his skin is appallingly bruised, there is no sign of any blood anywhere and Constantine groans quite audibly as the RNSA men slap their heaviest cuffs on him and hoist him up*

That's... that's impossible!

"Uuuurgh! Gen-GeneTech technology at it's -umph!- f-finest, my dear!"

*In spite of the obvious pain, Constantine manages one of his charismatic smiles for the camera*

"TAKE HIM AWAY!"

um... er... well viewers, what can I add to that? You've just witnessed the arrest of Governor Constantine Malachite on charges of treason. What does this all mean? We go back to Trent in the studio for more on this exciting story - exclusively on Rhanukhani State News Network!

Billy, cut the camera - I think I'm going to be si-

Gillian Towelrail, Rhanukhani State News Network (Governor's Residence, Lehpuhrta - 23:00, 11/04/08)

+++VOICE PATTERN RECOGNISED - WELCOME TO THE MALACHITE EVOLVING ENTERPRISES MASTER NETWORK, PROFESSOR BEATRICE WARDROBE - LEVEL 2 SECURITY CLEARANCE GRANTED+++

No... no need for that any more, computer... it's all started now... we need to get everything moving - Constantine is already out of the picture... until we can get him back it's all up to me.

Computer, activate Project: Golden Crescent - password: Regina!

+++VOICE PATTERN RECOGNISED - PASSWORD ACCEPTED - WELCOME TO THE MALACHITE EVOLVING ENTERPRISES MASTER NETWORK, PROFESSOR LUCY SIDEBOARD - COMPLETE SECURITY CLEARANCE AND COMMAND GRANTED+++

Sir, the recent broadcast on your News Network has left our government very concerned. Please could you clarify what has happened, and please provide any background to what has happened that you feel is relevant. If Rhanukhan needs any assistance, don't hesitate to ask Nohvrakishnaplermta for it.

Good day Mr Goldblake,

You will be pleased to hear that you need not concern yourself with the strictly internal matter of Governor Malachite's recent arrest. The RNSA has put together a comprehensive file on his recent activities and outlined a compelling case against him including - and I believe this part will be of particular interest to yourself - evidence that he was the one responsible for the sinking of your vessel, NDRNS Phoenix, last January. I can assure you that he will be brought to trial for his crimes with all haste.

Best regards,

Ambassador Mathew Dessert-Trolley

Sir, we look forward to seeing this evidence you have commented on regarding the NDRNS Phoenix. Her sinking caused emotional pain to many people. Nohvrakishnaplermta wishes to see whoever is responsible for the sinking harshly punished.

Also, after a discussion between members of the Nohvrakishnaplermtan government - including the Prime Minister Sam Houselion - it has been decided that Nohvrakishnaplermta should revoke its agreement with Gamiatianekan Idiokrahtia. We understand, now, that Gamiatianekan Idiokrahtia posed a threat to international security, and thus should not have been supported by Nohvrakishnaplermta, giving the country the means by which it could improve its economy, and thereby improve its ability to threaten the rest of Sargvilosahnah. Our government hopes that it can improve relations between Nohvrakishnaplermta and your country. We should not be enemies.

NOHVRAKISHNAPLERMTA'S BELATED APOLOGY FINALLY ARRIVED

After many months of pain and suffering the Glerican people have been put through since the mindless act of pure aggression that was the sinking the GRS Liberation, the government of Nohvrakishnaplermta have finally offered some comfort to the families of those lost by accepting responsibility and apologising for their actions. In an official statement released earlier today, the Glerican Foreign Affairs Secretary, Miles Kilometre, said "We accept this apology and will use the compensation offered by the Nohvrakishnaplermtan government to build a better, bomb-proof warship just to make sure it won't happen agai-" and then, once an aide whispered into his ear, "...forget that actually, we'll be giving the money to the families of those lost... yes, that'll do."

Although the Glerican government have accepted this act, there are no current plans to enter into negotiations with the Nohvrakishnaplermtan government for defensive pacts or other such alliances. "We certainly won't be sharing the Splort stuff anyway!" blurted out Kilometre before being pushed off-stage. Many political commentators are sceptical of the apology, assuming that Nohvrakishnaplermta - suffering military losses and recent economic troubles - are grasping at straws for security in the former Empire of Nerrekhvasukhan area, especially after recent astral discoveries and the Rhanukhan incident.

Posted by SplortBoy67:
Wow! Did you see that? Splort Squad is on red alert after the whole rhanukhan incident... Lots of covert ops splorting in and about town. Also remember that captain? She's back... and more active than before.

Good evening, viewers. The time is eight o'clock and I'm Trent Butterknife bringing you the news all across Sargvilosahnah, thanks to the Rhanukhan OrbiTech satellite communications network!

Tonight's main headlines:

Nightmare in the Skies: Reports from the Kanghari Main Observatory have confirmed the presence of a large cluster of celestial objects on a collision course with Sargvilosahnah! A time of arrival and potential locations of impact are still being estimated, but this could prove to be the most devastating event in modern history. Considering the destruction of The Empire of Nerrekhvasukhan when the infamous "Banana" fell on it late last year, the government has initiated a state of high alert and sent out warnings to all nations of Sargvilosahnah. The special team assembled to locate and study the objects has now been expanded with experts from many different disciplines to develop measures for preventing an impact or dealing with the aftermath of one. We'll keep you updated on any new developments.

Chaos in the Marketplace: Shares in companies under the Malachite Evolving Enterprises umbrella were in freefall today following the arrest of the corporation's owner, Constantine Malachite. Financial correspondent, Wendy Collander, will be bringing us her report on today's events.

It's Treason Then?: Billionaire business mogul and provincial governor, Constantine Malachite, remains in the custody of the Rhanukhani National Security Agency following his spectacular arrest last night. No specific details are being released at present but speculation amongst outside sources suggests he may be connected with the Lazarastran uprising earlier this year. We join roving reporter, Sophie Futon, for the opinion of the man in the street.

And finally: RSNN’s science correspondent, Jonathan Spatula, brings us his regular update from Golden Fields AFB in Khun on the experimental new FS41 "Starhawk" fighter aircraft which today was put through a sub-orbital test flight.

All the news, sport and tomorrow's weather coming right after this break...

[Live Broadcast from Rhanukhani State News Network]

Helloooo and good evening viewers! I'm roving reporter, Sophie Futon, here on the streets of Rhanukhan Kaglakh to get your opinions on todays big stories!

[Claire Radiator - 76 - cake factory worker]
I'm shocked, naturally - Mr Malachite always seemed like such a nice chap on the telly!

[Stuart Monkeywrench - 37 - stock market trader]
My shares! My money!!! Nooooooo!!!!!

[Donna Tungsten - 43 - amateur astronomer]
I'm thrilled at the prospect of seeing such a sight! My telescope has been pointed at that section of the sky since last night - hopefully, I'll be able to see the asteroids soon!

[Nigel Doorstop - 19 - internet entrepreneur]
Aliens!! It's aliens, I'm telling you! And that Malachite guy? I never trusted him! You can't trust the corporations, people! Did you know his company's name can be abbreviated to MalEvolEnt? huh? huh? Tell me that's just coincidence!!!

[Bobby Dishcloth - 9 - clothing factory worker]
I think it's a really cool plane - it's gonna be awesome fighting the other countries!!!

Sophie Futon, Rhanukhani State News Network (Rhanukhan Kaglakh - 20:09, 12/04/08)

DS: We've been gathering information on you for some time now, Mr Malachite - is there anything you'd like to say?

CM: I have done nothing against the interests of Rhanukhan and recommend that you release me immediately.

DS: I beg to differ, Mr Malachite - the Agency has reason to believe that you are personally responsible for a number of major incidents over the last few months - not least of which was the uprising in Lazarastra! Do you know how many people died during that?

CM: Yes, it was a tragic event, but I can assure you I played no part in it, Ms Spicerack - Delores, isn't it?

DS: Agent Spicerack to you, Mr Malachite!

CM: I see. Continue then... Agent Spicerack.

DS: Admit it, Malachite - you initiated that whole thing as a cover for your development of the GeneTech Banana Infantryman project! I mean, look at the numbers! You even used the Lazarastran colonists as the first wave - they're not artificially produced clones at all!

CM: I doubt very much you can prove such a ludicrous fantasy, Agent Spicerack - if this is the sort of accusation I'm going to be facing you may as well let me go right now.

DS: I can hold you purely on the charge of assaulting me and my operatives, Mr Malachite - two of them are still in the hospital right now - how did you do that?

CM: I believe you'll find they invaded my home and attacked me, Agent Spicerack. As for my prowess against them - let's put that down to a healthy diet and plenty of exercise, shall we!

DS: You were shot several times and you're sitting here fine and dandy! Even the bruising has almost completely gone! What are you?

CM: Nothing special - just your average billionaire businessman.

DS: Don't play games, Malachite - what about Lucy Sideboard?!

CM: What of her?

DS: She works for you!

CM: She did - she stopped being an employee of mine when she appointed herself queen of Lazarastra.

DS: She works for you now, dammit! You were talking to her on the radio when we arrested you! I heard you call her name!

CM: There are plenty of Lucy's in the world, Agent Spicerack.

DS: Where is she???!!!

CM: I honestly couldn't say.

DS: Nnn! What about Gabriel Matthews? What did he know?

CM: Gabriel who? I'm sorry, Agent Spicerack - I really don't know what you're talking about.

DS: I know that was your submarine that sank the Phoenix! Who else could it have been? What was on that boat, Malachite?!

CM: Again, I have no idea what you're talking about.

DS: Fine! Perhaps you'd prefer to explain why you suppressed so much information when you took over the space program!

CM: I did no such thing.

DS: No? A whistle-blower managed to get some files out before you got to him. You had the Diligence shot down, didn't you?

CM: I think we both know that's an outrageous fabrication.

DS: You did! You set everything up for an easy takeover of the space program! What are you playing at, Malachite? If I was as much of a conspiracy theorist as some of the people I deal with I'd be very concerned about all the things you've been putting in orbit lately.

CM: Ah, well, if you've been listening to such people that would explain why I've been hauled in here - and to think, the RNSA used to be such a professional organisation!

DS: *fist slams on table* Dammit, Malachite! We know what you're doing! Well, you won't be doing it for the time being - take him back to the cells - we'll try again tomorrow!

COULD SPLORTING BE THE SAVIOUR?

Amid new threats of astral objects colliding with Sargvilosahnah, we ask the inventor of Splort Technology, Doctor Jane Rodgers, whether this new technology - which has already been so useful in both military and commercial operations - could save the world? "Well, theoretically, Splorting can get anything anywhere instantly, so I see no reason to suggest how it's not possible," she looks around before adding, "In fact, I shouldn't be saying this, but I'm already in talks with the government about the first space-splort! It's so exciting!"

So, just how would it work? "Well, theoretically, the potential distance for a person to Splort is infinite, providing that the splorter has enough energy. Therefore, we could splort a Splortanaut onto the surface of the object and get them to either place an explosive device - or my personal favourite - a splort-bomb and watch the results!" What exactly is a splort-bomb? "It's a new device I've developed with the military... essentially a one-way device that generates a splort field around an object and teleports it to a designated place. It's already being used by the Glerican Police force to splort criminals directly to a cell or police van, so we could technically splort the astral object to say, here on Sargvilosahnah or into the centre of the sun if it's no use to us."

Well there you have it, splorting could be the one that saves us all. Either that or we're all doomed.

Next Issue: Monkeys - Can they learn Contemporary Jazz?

Greetings Mr Goldblake,

Ambassador Dessert-Trolley kindly forwarded your message to me earlier today. His Resplendence, the Supreme Chairman, is delighted to hear you have finally realised the danger posed by Gamiatianekan Idiokrahtia and also hopes for relations between our two countries to return to their former level of amicability. His Resplendence would also be greatly interested in hearing your opinions regarding the mysterious objects currently falling into orbit over Sargvilosahnah.

Best regards,

Allistair Ballustrade, Rhanukhani Foreign Minister

They're here, computer - I can't believe they showed up so fast, but they're here - just like he said! Connect me to all the GBI-2 primaries! It's time to put everything in motion!

DS: Malachite!

CM: Agent Spicerack - a pleasure, as always. I have to say I'm unimpressed with the quality of the food in this facility.

DS: Don't mess me around, Malachite!

CM: Perhaps we should just get on with this interminable business then?

DS: Hn! Tell me, Malachite - why do you just sit there and listen to these accusations? I saw you - heck, I felt you! - in action in your residence the other night. You could easily take me down - and Agent Snowshovel over there! - and just walk out of here.

CM: I'm well aware of the armed squadron behind that two way mirror, Agent Spicerack... and the second squad just down the corridor - you're clearly not taking any chances. A wise move, I might add. Please don't think I'm naïve enough to start something just so your boffins can attempt to gauge the limits of my abilities.

DS: You've done something to yourself, haven't you? Something like your armies of GBI-1 super... soldiers... oh no!

CM: What seems to be the problem, Agent Spicerack?

DS: How many are there like you, Malachite? How many have you made that look... human?!

CM: Ah, you have me there, Agent Spicerack... yes, I'll admit - the legions of GBI-1s I've sold all around Sargvilosahnah aren't the only product of the GeneTech Banana Infantryman project.

DS: How many, Malachite?

CM: It would be impossible to say, given their reproductive method - I'd really only have records of the primaries...

DS: Reproductive method? Oh, my... "Nomming"! It's been happening everywhere! All over the world!

CM: Yes, I have seen the news, Agent Spicerack - I suspected most of the reported attacks would be my - ahem! - tourists in action.

DS: Tourists? What are you - that's why you set up RhanuTour? We never could figure that one out! Waitaminute!

CM: Hmm?

DS: Why are you suddenly being so open about all this?

CM: Well... you see, shortly it will no longer -

*beep! beep! beep!*

Ah!

DS: Ah? What's that sound?

CM: The alarm on my watch, Agent Spicerack... it would appear they are just about to begin, as I predicted.

DS: Just about to...? Who? What?

CM: All will become clear very soon I expect, Agent Spicerack, very soon indeed...

Good evening, viewers. The time is nine thirty and I'm Trent Butterknife bringing you the news all across Sargvilosahnah, thanks to the Rhanukhan OrbiTech satellite communications network!

Tonight's main headlines:

Just What Are They?: Scientists across Sargvilosahnah have had their telescopes and other instruments pointed at the curious swarm of celestial objects all day. The large, knobbly, brown objects - some as much as a whole mile across - swept through the inner solar system in a matter of hours early this morning and have been falling into orbital positions all over the planet throughout the day. Experts are puzzled both by the objects' apparent ability to reduce speed and manoeuvre into positions, but also the fact that these positions are disturbingly directly over major population centres!

Speculation has been pretty far rang-

*static*

[Simultaneous broadcast on all of Sargvilosahnah's television and radio channels]

*static clears, revealing the wrinkled, pinkish features of a gangly humanoid figure. Although dressed in a flamboyantly coloured and decorative armoured uniform, its body is clearly covered by a coarse dark brown hair, except for its face, large ears, long dexterous fingers, toes, palms of its hands and soles of its bare feet. Beneath its curiously flat nose, its broad, flexible lips part and begin to move in what is clearly speech - speech that arrives in viewers' homes across Sargvilosahnah, conveniently translated into the local dialect.*

THIS IS FLEETMASTER BOOHUBALSS OF THE SYMYANO! YOUR WORLD HAS BEEN SELECTED FOR COLONISATION AND ASSIMILATION INTO THE SYMYANO HEGEMONY! THIS IS A HIGH HONOUR FOR YOUR WORLD. ALAS, IT IS MOST UNFORTUNATE FOR YOUR PRIMITIVE SPECIES, WHICH WILL BE LARGELY ERADICATED TO MAKE WAY FOR SUPERIOR SYMYANO COLONISTS! A LIMITED POPULATION WILL BE RETAINED AS SLAVES. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO RESIST US. OUR AGENTS HAVE ALREADY INFILTRATED YOUR WORLD, GAINING POSITIONS OF POWER AND AUTHORITY WITHIN YOUR GOVERNMENTS, YOUR SCIENTIFIC ESTABLISHMENTS, YOUR BUSINESS CORPORATIONS! WE HAVE BEEN UNDERMINING YOUR SOCIETY FOR YEARS AND, IN ORDER TO PROVE OUR MILITARY SUPERIORITY, HAVE DEPLOYED ONE OF OUR MANY DEADLY WEAPONS AGAINST YOU! ALREADY FROM MY POSITION IN ORBIT OVER YOUR WORLD I CAN SEE THE SHATTERED LAND WHERE THE MIGHTY YELLOW ARC IMPACTED! YOU HAVE NOTHING POWERFUL ENOUGH TO STAND AGAINST US! SURRENDER NOW AND THE PROCESS OF YOUR REMOVAL WILL BE SWIFT AND PAINLESS! WE AWAIT YOUR RESPONSE!

*static, followed by the return of scheduled programming*