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DispatchAccountDiplomacy

by Xrus. . 18 reads.

Xrkqv has a cold

In the winter of [REDACTED], writer Pikolaus von Raku arrived in Interpolate with an assignment to profile Xrkqv. The legendary head of state was approaching [REDACTED], under the weather, out of sorts, and unwilling to be interviewed. So Pikolaus remained in Interpolate, hoping Xrkqv might recover and reconsider, and he began talking to many of the people around Xrkqv—his advisors, his associates, his family, his countless concubines—and observing the man himself wherever he could. What results is the following account.

If I had forgotten where I was, the distracting number of flags, overwhelming gases from the nearby factories, and blaring national anthem reminded me. I disembarked my Xrus Air plane at 8am, after a long, red eye flight that has brought me to Interpolate, the nation's capital and most populous city of Xrus. I was here here to interview Xrkqv. Notoriously reluctant to give any kind of meeting to non-Xrus state-owned publications, this profile had the potential to reveal to the world more about the inner-workings of this fascist nation than ever before. It had taken years of negotiations, reassurances, and hundreds of millions of dollars in "donations" and "foreign aid" (all sent to a host of offshore shell companies) for the government of Xrus to agree.

Upon leaving the terminal, two gruff men who never identified themselves roughly escorted me to a side entrance of the airport where a black SUV waited for us. Was I being taken to see the great leader, or was I being kidnapped? Despite my queries, the suited men in the vehicle only ever spoke once: "Shut the f**k up, nerd." For better or worse, I did as they instructed.

With the windows tinted almost completely black from the inside and a lack of horological device, I can only estimate that the ride lasted the better of three hours. We arrived at a vast mansion adorned with golden Eagles, exotic flowers, extravagant marble statues, and lavish waterworks. The home was so sumptuous that one could be forgiven for not immediately noticing the intense security. Watch towers surrounded the compound, excessive security cameras left no blind spots, and heavily armed guards outfitted in designer clothing patrolled the perimeter.

The house guards searched me and bagged my head before we entered the palace. I was eventually sat down on what my buttocks recognized to be a cheap folding metal chair. I was granted sight when the sack was ripped off my head, and I gazed upon a pair of golden trousers. I dared not to look up at the large figure who wore them. This was a man of importance, of significance, of gravitas, of large penile length. This was the man.

I was almost compelled by an invisible force to get on my knees and fellate the divine being in front of me, but professionalism held me back. The following is the unedited transcript of our interview:

PVR: "Mr. Xrkqv, you have been rather elusive on the global stage, despite running one of the most successful nations in the known world. Does this indicate a lack of interest in expanding your influence on international politics or is it something else?"

Xrkqv: "That's what you're wearing?"

PVR: "W-what?"

Xrkqv: "You dress like sh*t and you look like a b*tch. Jeans with a blazer? You look like a poor writer. Both in economics and skill."

PVR: "If we could get back to my questions..."

Xrkqv: "Actually, I might be coming down with something. Had a sore throat this morning." [fake coughing]

PVR: "I don't mean to be a bother, but I have travelled -"

Xrkqv: "Don't mean to be a bother? Like you're being now? Huh? Huh? Someone get this nerd b*tch out of here."

After this exchange, I was bagged again and taken to what I now know is the dungeon beneath the residence for political dissidents and social deviants. For an uncountable number of days I was tortured, beaten, and sodomized. I begged for mercy and offered money, information, even to betray my own country and defect to Xrus, but none of these worked. On the last day of my imprisonment, they showed me a video. It was a livestream of my family's home and I could see them all inside, eating breakfast. Then I spotted the Xrusian agents outside the home, pouring and preparing. They made me watch as they burned my home down, with my wife and children inside. Then they let me go.

Xrkqv would not meet me again for an interview, so I had to resort to questioning his staff and random citizens. Those who would speak to me told me of grand tales of heroic conquests and intellectual victories. It was clear that the people respected his governance and sexual prowess. I left Xrus satisfied and with a deeper understanding of the nation and the man who made it.

Pikolaus von Raku, PhD, ED, MD, Esq.

Xrus

Edited:

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