by Max Barry

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by The Heh of Mushroom Gorge. . 286 reads.

Every US state, ranked

1. California - Where I live, so it's a given. Yes I know "muhhh homeless people bad" and "muhh gay people" but every state has those things. In other words, cope.
2. Massachusetts - A close #2, but I've pledged my allegiance towards California more than once before. If I could choose to live in a different state though, it would be Massachusetts.
3. New York - Believe it or not, it's more than just skyscrapers and projects; there's also the subway. Also Buffalo (I'm Rick James, bitch).
4. Washington - Home of Starbucks and the Mariners (pukes). I've elected to ignore the Seahawks and give the state an unbiased ranking here. Liberal populace and Caerta is means good things.
5. Pennsylvania - This state is full of history. I am an American history buff, and if you want a place to talk with people like me, take a trip to Philly.
6. Hawaii - This would be higher on the list if not for the heat and humidity. Those aside, however, Hawaii is a damn nice place to visit.
7. Colorado - Good alternative to California if you want to live in a western blue state but don't want the criticism or pollution that comes with living in Cali.
8. Minnesota - Progressive populace with a favorable climate (at least for me). Really all I need for a good place to live. Below Massachusetts and Colorado, this would be my third pick for living in a different state.
9. Illinois - I am aware of Chicago's crime problem, but they do have strict laws on guns. Other than that, it's a refreshing mix of hardcore blue and country lifestyle. Yes; despite my politics, I am slightly tolerant of right-wing views.
10. Wisconsin - Milwaukee based af. Really nothing other to see there besides Aaron Rodgers's cult following. Relocate the Packers, tear down Lambeau and turn it into an amusement park and Wisconsin jumps up a few places (I'm just kidding, guys).
11. Maryland - If I could put DC here as a state (which it should be), I'd do it. To include it, I'm going to make this one MD + DC. Homicide is an issue which can be solved by, you know, banning guns, but other than that there's really no problem with the rest of the area. Plus, Navy state.
12. New Jersey - Remove Atlantic City and the state jumps up several places. I'm not kidding this time.
13. Oregon - If it wasn't for the dynamic between drugtown and basically Idaho, Oregon would be much higher on this list. Regardless, Portland is a very liberal city and, having never been oustide the ariport, I'd recommend it for anyone who frequently watches Adult Swim. For those of you that don't, go to Pendleton.
14. Michigan - Detroit: It's like Cleveland but worse. That's the reason it's so low. Nothing else really to do there except watch the Lions suck.
15. Virginia - Fairly progressive state with some history is enough to make it into my book, however nothing to do there gives it a low rating. Also, Richmond was the capital of the CSA if you have a kink for losing.
16. Georgia - The first red state to make it onto this list, though its placement is justified. Atlanta is home to an interesting culture that clashes with the external conservatism. Vote blue more often and you'll maybe move up a few spaces.
17. Ohio - Despite the obvious explanation of it being the home state of Lord Baloo, I'm going to be serious here and put it here. Cleveland is okay I guess, Cincinnati could use some fixing up and Columbus is boring besides it being the capital.
18. Texas - If you know my politics, then you might be surprised at this one. However, Texas is basically California with guns; it's hot, largely Hispanic, and has several major cities. But still, I ask: no bridges?
19. Nevada - Vegas and Reno with the Sahara in between. Carson City does not exist.
20. Connecticut - A nice, refreshing, small state with a rich history. Hartford also is the home of [insert something I Googled here].
21. Maine - Close enough to Canada to be considered a province of the US. Native Americans, too; we can't forget them, they're literally our predecessors.
22. Rhode Island - Can't believe they made the state from the Family Guy funny compliations into a real thing, and that they made Providence its capital too. Face it: that's the only thing your state will ever be known for.
23. Louisiana - Ignoring the obvious swamp monsters that dwell in God-knows-where, NOLA is a nice place to visit, and this time I've been there. During Mardi Gras. Actually not as chaotic as one might think.
24. Alaska - Mostly empty, with Juneau, which we don't talk about, and Anchorage. Plus, the town which shall remain nameless, for now. I'll release it and doxx a certain infant if I feel like it later.
25. New Mexico - Just like Rhode Island, a TV show will be its legacy. Also, drugs and low IQs.
26. North Carolina - The superior of the Carolinas, both literally and figuratively. Sorry Dom, but NC has better football teams.
27. Utah - Romney's at least forgiving. Also, I like salt so I must put the salt flats relatively high up to where I would put Utah.
28. Indiana - The Crossroads of America. I honestly have really nothing against Indiana, but in return I have nothing for it either. Hence, putting it in the middle.
29. Arizona - Okay I guess. The heat is a problem but I guess it could be worse. Also, who could forget the Grand Canyon?
30. New Hampshire - I heard there's a water park and buildings on chains. Is there anything to do here?
31. Vermont - Bernie and that's it.
32. Missouri - Keeps screwing me over in Geoguessr, but they do have the Arch so it makes up for it, sort of.
33. Delaware - Why do a million people live in this tiny, useless state? At least do something worth your time like make a theme park; then again, that would probably take up half the state.
34. Oklahoma - Sorry Dom, but it had to be done. I'm putting your state lower than Delaware. Why don't you run for governor and improve the areas that need improvement and maybe I'll make it higher on the list. Also, give me my suppression powers back.
35. Nebraska - Omaha, the birthplace of 311, but nothing else really. In the grand scheme of things, a rock band does not put a state higher than one with welfare and social equality.
36. South Carolina - Southern state, but actually pretty progressive; after all, they do have a gay man as senator.
37. Idaho - Once I hijack the state's potato production industry and give 50% of all the produce to me, this will be #1. Until then, well, you've got nothing going for you except your ludicrous plan to annex Eastern Oregon. It would increase the average IQ of both states, but Congress stands in your way. So keep dreaming and quit using french fries as nose plugs.
38. Montana - Seems to be becoming more progressive after the recent elections of statewide Democrats and the rejection of an anti-abortion bill, yet still too country-ish to me.
39. Iowa - "Swing" state, but everyone knows that's BS. The first things I think of are Cedar Rapids's flag for whatever reason and the bike race across the state. Still waiting for Pee-Wee Herman's epic intro though.
40. Wyoming - Yellowstone and two escalators in the entire state. Seriously, more geysers than escalators? Ratio.
X. North Dakota - Native Americans, but oil. Really sums up Alaska quite well, too.
X. South Dakota - Rushmore. Also, if you haven't noticed, I've put these two states ranked as "X" so you'll never know which one I rank higher than the other, just like how you'll never know which became a state first. I firmly believe it is SD though. Why? I don't know.
43. Kansas - Topeka, AKA Google, is literally the only interesting thing I can think of to do with Kansas.
44. West Virginia - Horrible name, horrible terrain, horrible industry. Everyone's naughty for Christmas judging by the amount of coal they get.
45. Kentucky - The real land of Lincoln. Plus, baseball bats and Frankfort hot dogs. Nevermind, those are named after the city in Germany.
46. Arkansas - "Literally 1984," you might say if you are a certain 6'3"er who sucks at basketball. Sorry but the socioeconomic values pushed by your state + nothing else interesting gives it a low ranking.
47. Mississippi - It's fun to spell, but unfortunately not fun to research the politics of.
48. Tennessee - F*ck you and your Confederate flag copy, also your supposedly anti-gay Lt. Governor.
49. Alabama - Congratulations on having the most played out song in the world. "Sweet Home Alabama" my ass.
50. Florida - Where do I start? First off, the people suck. It's always one idiot after another, so many in fact that you can make a f*cking advent calendar off Florida man news stories. Screw that, why not make one of those rip-off calendars you have at workplaces and your grandparents' house? Don't think it's possible? Pick a random day of the year and look up "Florida man" before it and you won't be disappointed. Surely some God damn good reads. Second of all, DeSantis and his Francis Buxton cosplay. As if the rest of the population wasn't taking enough bath salts, I can't begin to get into the politics of this guy. TL;DR insane people support a Warner Bros.'s villain's force ghost.

This list is not for fun and is meant to offend people of every race, gender, status, and background (mostly rural white gun-lovers). Many animals were harmed in the making of this dispatch. I don't apologize for this list and I won't change any rankings until a new state is added. Cope seethe mald.