by Max Barry

Latest Forum Topics

Advertisement

19

DispatchBulletinCampaign

by The Range in Front of The Front Range. . 261 reads.

TFR’s US Presidential Campaign for 2024

TFR’s 2024 United States Presidential Campaign

Hi, I’m Saul Goodman The Front Range, also known as TFR (get out of my sight The free romanians, you are TESE), and I am currently campaigning 2 years early for the position of president in the United States. Why? Because I can, and until the FBI busts open my front door, I will continue to campaign

My campaign promises are as follows:

National Fat Day
There’s nothing more that Americans love than indulging in fast food, and that’s a central philosophy for my campaign. I will established National Fat Day, a day honoring the overweight, obese, and morbidly obese, who dedicate their lives to the calorie consuming craft. For these people, fast food will be free for the day, and for everyone else, 50% off, guaranteed, by me.

Nuking of Russia and China
Ever heard of Operation Dropshot? Yeah, I’m gonna force the Air Force to do it at metaphorical gun point, to both Russia and China. So many planes that it’ll look like a BTD6 battle on Round 500. This is mainly to prevent them from annoying the absolute crap out of me and my capitalist empire inconveniencing the United States and allies.

Cracking down on Gerrymandering
Gerrymandering is a political problem that affects the integrity of US election results, as the district borders are drown to benefit one party. Solution? Establishing a one man dictatorship with myself at its center. This is not desirable, but a corrupt dictatorship is more desirable than a corrupt democracy.

Liberating Canada
In order to improve the US economy, I propose we “liberate” (take over) and incorporating its own economy into the US economy. Trust me, I hired several economist to calculate if this would help the US economy (totally not extorted into writing false reports) and they said it would. The Canadians deserve it anyway after 1814.

Gun Rights
Summary:

Chicken Wages
Under my administration, the US currency will officially be changed to chicken, with tenders, legs and thighs being the new bills, and with nuggets and popcorn chicken being coins. Patties will replace checks, and strips will replace cards. Food is now money. Go and barter like the pre-currency days.

Chemical Weapons Development
Nuclear weapons? Those are for nerds. Under my administration, we will reintroduce the MGR-1 Honest John cluster missile with sarin filled bomblets to let our enemies (everyone) know the United States really isn’t f*cking around. Just for sh*ts and giggles, we’ll probably also detonate one above Pyongyang and totally troll Lil Kimmy.

War on Drugs

Let’s just accept the fact that waging a war on an inanimate object was a stupid decision in the first place. Under my administration, all drugs will be legal. Additionally, we will cut all funding for the DEA and put it into funding rehab centers. And no, I’m not biased because I watched Breaking Bad.

Climate Change

The solution is simple. Nuclear power. Not only is it highly efficient and safe for you and the environment (most of the time), we can take that nuclear waste and repurpose it for the great cause of making more nuclear warheads. After all, nuclear winter is the easiest way to reverse climate change.

The Range in Front of The Front Range

Edited:

RawReport