by Max Barry

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DispatchAccountDrama

by The Interuniversal Civilization of Aivintis. . 134 reads.

CrapFlags 4: On Stranger Flagpoles [FORUM RP EDITION]

Disclaimer: This is satire. If you don’t like satire, I do not advise reading this. Disclaimer 2: This is not making fun of anyone. I am not saying anyone’s flag is “crap”. I am crappily drawing existing flags. There’s a difference. Disclaimer 3: I’m actually not sure what to write here leading into the dispatch, so I’m just gonna cut it off at some

Aivveldet

I originally had both me and Norgsveldet on the list with some different jokes for us. For Aivintis, I was gonna make a joke about including my own flag being narcissistic, and the Norgsveldet entry would be entirely focusd on the UCA and being Norwegian. However, I didn’t want to draw mine AND norgs’s’s, that's just too much extra work...so I just split the difference. Here’s the entry for both Norgsveldet and Aivintis. Which means my entry has to effectively be both. Um. How about the UCA huh? Cuh-razy. And black and white flags, right? So cool. Cross flags are cool. Yup. Also, having some overseas territories. Population around 84 million? Awesome! That’s high enough to be cool, but low enough to not be op, so that’s great. Canonical DD/MM/YYYY dating systems are pretty superior to other forms, right? Ah. Bonding.

Lasowkrania

In my sneak peek, I revealed that my notes for this entry consisted of one word - Treehugger. So let’s spend the next paragraph making fun of Cascadia for being a hippy. Haha, imagine liking trees. Imagine not cutting down forests to build factories. Imagine having powerful tree-related mythological spirits in your religion wait no I have Aldergrove scratch that last one. Imagine caring about the environment. Imagine changing your regime every wait no that one’s also me. Imagine being part of the Kaskada region. Haha recovered. I’m so funny.

Nagato

I wanna be the very best, Like no one ever was, To catch them is my real test, To train them is my cause, I will travel across the land, Searching far and wide, Teach Pokémon to understand, The power that's inside, (Pokémon, gotta catch 'em all), It's you and me, I know it's my destiny, (Pokémon), Oh, you're my best friend, In a world we must defend, (Pokémon, gotta catch 'em all), A heart so true, Our courage will pull us through, You teach me and I'll teach you, Pokémon! (Gotta catch 'em all) Gotta catch 'em all, Yeah.

Sokala

Very early on, Sokala was one of the absolute maniacs who posted a news post every single day for Urth. When I was doing daily news with Radio Culture, Sokala was my NEMESIS for this reason, so I spelt eagle wrong to rebel. I’m so edgy. The shades of red are all the same though and if you think they’re not, you’re crazy. Also canonically, The Rock has a child called Pebbles "The Rock Junior" Di Rosas who lives in Sokala. Good luck unpacking that in therapy.

Iphelklori

I often mix up Iphelklori with Balistria so I was considering doing a bit about that - I’d have likely just wrote a Balistria entry and left it at that. But in the process of making this flag, I got super frustrated at all the times I couldn’t draw flags as perfect rectangles, so I extended it a very long length. Now, it’s perfect.

Axdel

BIRDS! BIRDS BIRDS BIRDS! BIRBOS! BIRBYBIRBBIRBS! HAHA BIRB! Birdman birbpeople birbrace. Superior vena cava? More like Cava superior race hahaahahahhaah. I’m so funny please upvote my dispatch anyway back to birds. They’re freakin everywhere in Axdel and all over my twitter feed ever since I started following Pagi. Orcs for Ben and Birds for Pagi. We got themes going.

Bai Lung

We’re all super tired of hearing the “Bai Lung is a Robot” jokes so let’s talk about why it exists. Delegate Zukchiva gave Bai Lung the Order of Eloquence for the following stated reason: “Impressively and without fail, they have maintained the Bai Lung Central Television News since 2007 with high quality roleplay articles every single day.” Bai Lung is honestly amazing. Now that we’ve done that, let’s see the part I advised Zukchiva to add to the award ceremony, which he removed: “I smell a robot. Prove, prove, prove. Prove to me you’re not a robot. Look at these curvy letters. Much curvier than most, wouldn’t you say? No robot could ever read these. You look, mortal, if ye be. You look and then you type what you think you see. Is it an “E” or is it a “3”? That’s up to ye. The passwords of past you’ve correctly guessed, but now it’s time for the robot test! I’ve devised a question no robot could ever answer. Which of these pictures does not have a stop sign in it?”

Tuvaltastan

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

The Oan Isles

You want to upvote this dispatch. You want to upvote this dispatch so bad. You think this is a cool drawing. You think this is such a cool drawing. You think I’m the best artist of our generation. You think I’m so funny. You think I’m so amazing and awesome and cool and also funny. You want to vote for The Oan Isles as the best wiki page in the RP awards. You want to admire its intricately designed culture. You still want to upvote this dispatch, btw. You think you’re not being hypnotized.

Mexregionia

<reads smudged ink on hand> Red pandas? <crowd applauses and cheers>

Volscina

Mamma mia L’Italia carceri d’invenzione papa’s pizzeria Volscina bellissima. Il rosso e il bianco sono colori stupendi e con il sole giallo noi abbiamo un capolavoro meraviglioso di una bandiera. Le quattro quadranti sono state molto difficili da realizzare, ma sono orgoglioso di come è venuto fuori il risultato. Questo paese è stato tedesco per un po' di tempo, ma sono felice di vedere Urth trovare un'Italia tutta sua. Con tutti i nomi diversi che questo paese ha avuto - Arkalarius, Arkia, e adesso Volscina - questo paese ha una ricca storia. Guardando quest'arte, mi sento come un famoso pittore rinascimentale, come Michelangelo o da Vinci. Se ti sei preso il tempo per tradurre questo testo, per favore vota l'invio.

Meagharia

Step 1: Take the Irish flag or the Cote d’Ivoire flag. Step 2: Rotate it 90 degrees so that the green is on the bottom and the orange is on the top. Step 3: Capture a wild bird. Preferably an eagle or hawk, the kind you might see on medieval heraldry. Step 4: Spray paint the bird red. This is possibly the hardest part, as birds don’t typically like being spray painted. If you secure their wings and claws during the process, you only have to watch out for its beak. Make sure to paint the areas that were covered by restraints once you have finished - make sure you maintain a safe distance. I don’t recommend making its tongue blue, but that is a way authorities typically discover counterfeit flags of this nation. Step 5: Pretend to be (or just be) religious around the bird, and make sure you are very annoying about it. Eventually, the bird will develop the extremist atheism we are looking for. Step 6: Profit. You now have made your own DIY Meagharia flag. Use this power wisely.

Tretrid

Some people ask me, “Lerasi, how do I insult a Tretridian?” This is a very common question and I’m excited to say that the answer is very simple. Shout the following at them: Southwest Gondwana is real. Southwest Gondwana is real. Southwest Gondwana is real. Southwest Gondwana is real. Southwest Gondwana is real. Southwest Gondwana is real. Southwest Gondwana is real. Southwest Gondwana is real. Southwest Gondwana is real. Southwest Gondwana is real. No one likes Novaris. No one likes Novaris. No one likes Novaris. No one likes Novaris. No one likes Novaris. Your Prime Minister is bad. Your Prime Minister is bad. Your Prime Minister is bad. Your Prime Minister is bad. Your Prime Minister is bad. Your Prime Minister is bad. Your Prime Minister is bad. Your Prime Minister is bad. Your Prime Minister is bad. Your Prime Minister is bad. Your Prime Minister is bad. Southwest Gondwana is real.

South Hills

South Hills is literally America. Or I guess Umiraka if we’re trying to fit the name for the cleverly titled roleplay map “Urth.” Okay maybe it’s not “literally America” but it’s close enough that I can make this joke and my nation is still pissed off that it put a military base or two right in Alexandrograd just when we were about to gloriously liberate it from the evil democracy Serdemia. So yeah I have full legal rights to trivialize this complex concept in the name of cheap comedy per Section 16 Clause 42 of the CrapFlags Bylaws. Yes, those exist. Yes, that clause exists. No, you can’t look at my source, that’s cheating.

Augustia

Nagato posited that there was no way to make this flag look like crap. I took one look at that claim and said “CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.” So let’s take a moment to admire how I performed this stunning feat, using every trick in the book. I started by using two shades of yellow for the middle. I made sure both were visible, and there was sufficient space between the strokes to highlight the messy artistry of the lines. Next I did the same with the red. There were two reds I could have used, but I chose pink as my main color, which more closely aligns with the shade of red used in the real flag - this tactic was also employed to create the Nagato parody. Luckily, you can still see the other reds, which is frustrating for the viewer, I hope. There were also three shades of purple I could have used, so I used one for the bottom line, one for the circle, and the last to touch up the circle. For the yellow outline around the central circle, I made the brush much bigger than necessary, with very jagged and unconnected lines, which bled into the background yellow line very nicely to make the design worse. Then, I created the bird in the center. This is my standard way of representing complex visuals, reminiscent of the “Eagle” and “Communism” origins of CrapFlags.

Alksearia

As some of you may know, I actually created the first version of this Alksearian flag - it may have been altered or redesigned since, but I executed the first vision of this bad boy, making it very close to my heart. I just went through the same steps in order to make this - stealing a flag from the French embassy, covering it in grey goop in the center, then chaining Prometheus’s eagle buddy to the flag shortly after. An unintentional side effect of me drawing this eagle’s beak is that it looks kinda like lipstick, so I guess this means I yassified Alksearia’s flag? Interesting notion, not sure how I feel about it. Anyway, Shadow has already served as Viceroy for longer than I did, so let that sink in. You feel old yet? Probably not, I only served for a couple hours.

Sham Wedding

A sham marriage or fake marriage is a marriage of convenience entered into without intending to create a real marital relationship. This is usually for the purpose of gaining an advantage from the marriage. Definitions of sham marriage vary by jurisdiction, but are often related to immigration. The essential point in the varying definitions is whether the couple intend to live in a real marital relationship, to establish a life together. While referred to as a "sham" or "fake" because of its motivation, the union itself is legally valid if it conforms to the formal legal requirements for marriage in the jurisdiction. Arranging or entering into such a marriage to deceive public officials is in itself a violation of the law of some countries, for example the US. After a period, couples often divorce if there is no purpose in remaining married. The reverse situation, in which a couple gets a divorce while continuing to live together, is called paper divorce. Sham marriages are sometimes considered distinct from a marriage fraud, which is a type of romance scam, in which one spouse is unwittingly taken advantage of by the foreign spouse who feigns romantic interest, typically in order to obtain a residence permit or for money.

Asendaveia

“A long time ago, actually pretty recently, a glorious nation by the name Asendavia left the earth, leaving behind its territory to the odious Kian khe. Our people did not want to live Khe a foreign banner, and thus left and migrated to new lands. We founded the nation on the principals [sic] of equality, not totalitarianism like the first Asendavia!”

— Asendaveia

“Ademar good, impersonators bad.”

— Asendavia

Packilvania

Assimilate.

I’d like to acknowledge an artistic choice I made here which you may not notice (as it is a very close approximation of the real flag). I inverted the colors, making black red and red black. This was done mainly because the first reference I found of a cat was red, and I just rolled with it. It helped that I could use a crescent blood moon within the same theme. The real crime, however, is the lack of Pax Pink in both flags. Emjay would be furious. We need to create an International Forum taskforce to correct this terrible mistake.

Vistaraland

Ik vraag me af hoeveel ik deze grap zou kunnen maken voordat mensen boos op me worden. Er staan vijf verschillende landen op deze lijst waar ik verschillende talen op kan gebruiken, maar ik ben een vriendelijke ziel. That said, I still absolutely equate Vistaraland with the Netherlands very much. This flag was very difficult to make because every time I almost finished making it, my unfinished work would leap off the page and go found a colony somewhere random. Honestly, it was a real problem. I’d say the most difficult part of this flag was getting the tulip right. I drew each shape in different pieces and it actually took skill and precision. For that reason, I consider this to be one of the best designed CrapFlags ever, and I’m legitimately quite proud of it. I’d like to do something special for this special flag, so I’d like to use this dispatch as a petition to expand the titles of her majesty whatever the f*ck. Every upvote in this dispatch is also a signature for making the list of titles l0mger. Make it fill multiple google docs pages in 11 point arial font. Make this happen, Dylan, you coward.

Nakosa

Um, so this was an interesting one. I got all the colors right, but I think I made a mistake somewhere with the design. I can’t quite put my finger on it. There’s just something about this flag that makes me leap for the Eject + Ban button on the Region Control page. Hmm. Perhaps something in my subconscious reached out when I was designing this flag and messed it up. I’m not quite sure what I’m looking at, though. Hm. You know, that kind of looks like a little sun, and maybe a night sky over a…red? field? Interesting. You know, that red kind of looks like Australia’s heat map this time of year. Australia…OHHHHHHHH.

LIGHTNING ROUND!!
10 FLAGS, ONE THEME!!!!
JOKES RESTRICTED TO ONE (1) SENTENCE EACH!!!!!!!!
NEW FEATURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
UPVOTE THIS DISPATCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Andomi

Haha Purple Cross like the medal.

New Calthia

Colonarius, really?

Joralesia

Try not to experience another terrorist attack against visiting officials haha.

Buzela

Hamish Buzel is turning in his grave right about now.

Bolize

Autocorrect desperately wants this to be Belize, but early 19th century Aivintis desperately wants it to be Serenia.

Morstaybishlian West Pacific Territories

Try not to kick dozens of people out of there for just being new in town, I understand that is a very difficult challenge for anything related to the left-compass side of the Pacific.

Salisar

Salisar Slytherin send tweet.

Balidar

I guess the edges are the parts of the ocean where the cast of the movie Grown Ups peed in the pool?

Kystland

The transition from Coastland to Kystland is the same process by which every amateur fantasy author creates unique names for their characters.

Saint Matilda

Matilda is a 1996 American fantasy comedy film co-produced and directed by Danny DeVito, from a screenplay written by Nicholas Kazan and Robin Swicord.

BONUS ROUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am such a kind and generous soul, and as such, following the completion of this dispatch, I allowed our favorite grapester Gio Pledonia to choose one more flag for me to do. He chose the Western Provinces. Although the art is still entirely me (original art, don’t steal), Gio picked the flag and wrote the text entry below.

Eastern Cringe

these f*ckers really love cornbeef

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