*Information not verified by anyone. At all.
Today in this Dispatch, we will be interviewing hardened criminals and random people I've temporarily** kidnapped!
**'Temporary' status subject to change
Now of course, the first s̶l̶a̶v̶e̶ willing victim was Celestial Elephante Jone 'Elephante Bones' (kinda hard to fit in the van) Who committed the crime of tax evasion and got away with it. A truly difficult and taxing crime. Despite this amazing skill, he would not join the Crime Bros, on account of being a 'bastion of Karma justice,' whatever that means. (Who needs justice, anyway! All it does is stop dangerous criminals from roaming free!) He is redeemed, partially, by approving of bird hiveminds that do not attempt to take over the world. (That's the most fun part!)
My second kidnapped child was a magic 8ball, but then it said no. I, of course, respect such decisions so I left it there on the ground.
My 3rd assenting 'human' was zal, 'Zalidia' but clearly Pua Tu Tahi. He went in the van's fishtank. He said that he would probably not join the Crime Bros, despite having done the crime of shoplifting a cucumber and stealing candy before and getting away with it. The Pua Tu Tahi disrespected bird hiveminds, instead endorsing clam hiveminds. There will be consequences, Pua Tu Tahi.
4th and finally was Altino 'Tina' the owl herself. She walked into the van like she owned the place. Truly an awesome sight to behold. It turns out Tina herself has committed some hideous crimes such as speeding and voter fraud and hasn't been caught. Also vague references to 'assisting in some incredibly evil plots' which clearly show that Tina herself approves of crimes so Jone's position is invalid. Altino only commits crimes against the deserving, truly a Crime Bro mindset. Now on the topic of Crime Bros, Tina could not be convinced to join because she is not a Bro. This is a strange reason, only children and any gender can be Bros too. Be nice is the first half of our motto, 'Be nice do crime.' Also apparently good hearted criminals call themselves 'wild cards,' not criminals. Tina was a lovely owl to interview, despite denying the existence of bird hiveminds, as an incredibly unbiased bird, I agree, Owls are great.
Friends, it is time for the main event!
That's right, we are interviewing criminals!
First up is a known hivemind, Anarchist 'Hivemind' Elfs [sic]. Ana, a prominent figure in the Crime Bro ring, stated that her greatest crime is arson, and she did get away with it. She joined the Crime Bro's out of a love of crime. It was certainly interesting to interview a half-elf half-bird, especially one who is constantly trying to fly out of the van to do crimes. I held her down with a tentacle. She was far more amenable to questioning on the topic of birds, saying that bird hiveminds were 'Based,' although she did not clarify what they were based upon, and she would not leave the Crime Bros.
Next up is the third crime bro, Orca 'Lys Deks Rahry' the crime bro, in the van's fishtank. (Installed especially for Lys.) His greatest crime was stealing the Statue of Liberty and replacing it with a fake. Nobody has noticed it yet. (You didn't hear it from me.) He joined the Crime Bros because 'as the comics say "crime always pays" ' Interviewing an orca was interesting, especially with the dolphin noises translator being a bit weird with orca. Thankfully, Lys thinks that bird hiveminds are cool. Orca, too is devoted to the Crime Bros.
Thank you for reading, remember to like and endorse, and I'll not see you next time.
*Generic Yunari outro*