by Max Barry

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by The Despotic Tyranny of Birkesia. . 25 reads.

Laws of Birkesia

The Dictator of Birkesia has strived to be as tyrannical as possible, and to crush fr**d*m and d*m*cr*cy. Here are some of the many draconian laws we have passed.

All citizens must sing the national anthem every day. If a citizen fails to do so, he/she shall be locked in a pillory and pelted with rotten tomatoes for four hours on the first offense, undergo the same punishment for 48 hours on the second offense, sent to gulag on the third offense, and executed by hanging on the fourth offense.

All citizens are legally considered property of the state, and they have no r*ghts.

All forms of alcoholic beverages are banned. All people found in possession of ethanol (also known as ethyl or grain alcohol), the intoxicating compound in alcoholic beverages, or anything that contains ethanol and is not exempted by other laws, shall immediately be sent to gulag. All imports of ethanol or products containing it are illegal, and anyone trying to smuggle it in will be executed by firing squad.

Only government controlled media is allowed. All other media is considered illegal, and anyone who listens to, watches, or broadcasts such unlawful information will be executed by being dropped into a pit of lions.

The Internet is banned in Birkesia. Connecting to it is illegal and will be punished with a gulag sentence.

Computers are illegal contraband, and anyone who is found with a computer will be sent to gulag. The computer will be smashed twenty times with a sledgehammer and then burned.

All anime and manga is illegal. Anime and manga will be destroyed by incineration, and the person who owns them will be sent to gulag. If he watches anime or reads manga again while in gulag or after being released from gulag, he/she will be executed by firing squad.

As soon as a citizen enters the national capital, he/she must scream "ALL HAIL ETERNAL DEAREST LEADER! LONG LIVE THE DEAR TRIUMVIRS! GLORY TO PSYCHOTIC DICTATORSHIPS" at the top of his/her lungs. Failure to do so or incorrect utterance of these words will lead to a gulag sentence. Those who complain of hearing loss from this will be executed.

Attempts to leave the country without government approval are considered treason, and will be punished with execution. Even with government approval, travelers may not leave Psychotic Dictatorships, or they will be forcibly returned and executed by being dropped into a pit of lions for treason.

Escaping from prison or gulag will be punished with execution by firing squad.

Saying the words d*m*cr*cy or fr**d*m out loud or writing them without censoring them is illegal and will be punished with 4 months imprisonment on the first offense, a gulag sentence on the second offense, and execution on the third offense. If using those words is absolutely necessary, the word d*m*cr*cy must be replaced with "AN AFFRONT TO GLORIOUS TYRANNY" when it is to be spoken, and fr**d*m should be replaced with "FOOLISH DEFIANCE OF DEAREST LEADERISM" when spoken. When written, both words should be merely censored. Non-compliance with this law will lead to a gulag sentence.

Scumbag WA representatives are forbidden from entering Birkesia. If they do so anyway, they will be forcibly deported. It is illegal for a Birkesian to express any support for the scumbag WA; those who support the WA will be executed for treason against Birkesia and all of Psychotic Dictatorships.

All executions are broadcasted on television. It is mandatory to watch these broadcasts. Failure to watch the executions is punishable by being put in a pillory on the first offense, a gulag sentence on the second offense, and execution on the third offense.

Birkesian tap water is polluted with drugs to make the citizens more compliant. To ensure that citizens drink this water, the government is the only seller of bottled water, and distilling, filtering, or otherwise purifying water is illegal. Collecting rainwater is also illegal. The crimes mentioned above are all punishable by execution. Illegal water will be dumped into the ocean. Smuggling water into Birkesia will be punished with execution by firing squad.

All Birkesians are required to serve in the military for at least eight years. All people who have not already joined are forced to enlist once they are twelve years old, and children as young as seven are often conscripted. If parents resist their children's conscription, they are arrested and executed for treason.

All Birkesian children must attend public school beginning when they are four years old, and ending once they are eighteen. Instead of actually educating the children, Birkesians are constantly brainwashed while receiving rudimentary education. Children go to school seven days a week, with no weekends. They must recites the national anthem at the beginning of every class, and those who fail to recite it are severely punished. The curriculum is filled with propaganda whenever possible, including blatant anti-d*m*cr*t*c and anti-fr**d*m statements. DEAREST LEADER is glorified and DEAREST LEADERISM is stated to be the only true ideology. DEAREST LEADER's tenets of tyranny are taught every single day of school. Students are required to be able to recite all of DEAREST LEADER's tenets by memory. The government chooses who gets to go to college, and if someone is chosen for college, he/she is forced to attend. Only the children of the Dictator himself, his relatives' children, and those of his friends are allowed actual education without brainwashing.

Citizens are required to salute the flag 100 times every week. Failure to do so is punished with 3 days in a pillory without food or water on the first offense, a gulag sentence on the second offense, and execution on the third offense.