by Max Barry

Latest Forum Topics

Advertisement

10

DispatchBulletinNews

by The Garden of Earthly Delights of Jabberwocky. . 117 reads.

The Mad Surfer, November 2020

THE MAD SURFER
The Official Newspaper of the 10000 Islands
November 2020

October 2020 | September 2020 | August 2020 | July 2020

"Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except
for that rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge."

– Erwin Knoll

Weather: sunny
Water temp: perfect!
Waves: nice medium swell


POLITICS
The Council of Nine
Last Updated: September 2020

Chief Executive: Markanite
Delegate: HumanSanity
Minister of Labor: Free Las Pinas
Minister of Immigration: THX1138
Minister of Education: Grea Kriopia
Senator for New Republica South: Controlitia
Senator for Himes West: Wille-Harlia
Senator for Blue Canaria North: Wischland
Senator for Lyonnesse East: Thedairos

-Deputy Minister of Education: Kohnhead
-Deputy Senators for Himes West: Central Russia, Margaux

Before you've even had a chance to adapt to a pair of new Senators, it's already time for another election, which is a way of life in XKI. No sooner had the doors of the Election Board opened than incumbent Senator of Himes West, Wille-Harlia (TCP), who doubles as Deputy Cartographer General, announced his intent to run again. He has been joined in the ring by a contestant who has only been in XKI since spring, Zaberaz Hapang (WIP), who continues the recent infusion of new political blood. Both candidates delivered stirring speeches extolling their own virtues and agendas, found here:
10000islands.proboards.com/board/118/10000-islands-election-board. Voting soon commenced, with WH jumping out to a commanding lead and tallying 60% of the vote.

The seat for Lyonesse East, currently held by Thedairos, is being contested this time by Aschente…or will be, once Asche has an opponent. Alas, said fictional opponent failed to materialize, enabling Mr. A to win an easy victory.

It is worth noting that no public officials have been seen intoxicated in public recently.


PAID ADVERTISEMENT

It's time to rediscover the LinkXKI Casino and a whole new level of entertainment! Come and experience all that's new at the LinkXKI Casino. It's a whole new game!
You're gonna need a bigger wallet...

PAID ADVERTISEMENT


BUSINESS NEWS

Last month's catastrophic tsunami provided a brief, temporary windfall for those who own Tide Control. But the economic impact was felt farther than investors first anticipated. But rather than steal the thunder from Mortimer M. Mortimer, after whom the famous report is named, we opt to reprint his gilded words.

Those astute Islanders with good memories will remember last month's disastrous tsunami. A reminder, from news reports posted in October's Mortimer Report:

"El Neptuno, an undersea volcano situated out in the middle of the MinnaCaroline Ocean, exploded. This made the seas of the
10000 Islands heave, and created an enormous tsunami!"

Well, as one might expect, a lot of shipping between the various Islands was disrupted because of the damage this did to all the ships at sea. New replacement ship orders were rushed into the Shipyards, with the results eminently predictable - a massive boom in ship construction! Those Islanders that owned Shipyards earned 5,000 tacos for each Shipyard they owned as a result. Below are the specifics.

Mortimer Printout - November 2020
Economic Outlook
Sector: 3 - Regular Economy
Item: Shipyard
Bonus: 5,000 Ŧ
Mitigation: N/A
Adjustment: N/A
Stock Market:
From 03-October-2020 to 31-October-2020
Average Change: -651 Ŧ
Percent Change: -1%—Stocks Decline
Average Dividend (Base/Dividend): (310/305)

Performance of individual stocks can be found here:
Linkhttp://10000islands.proboards.com/thread/40286/november-shipbuilding-caused-octobers-tsunami?page=1&scrollTo=1798436


BEHIND THE NATION

This month's revealing interview spotlights an XKI citizen and TITO member who is known far and wide as The One, The Only Krystalveil.

TMS: What country are you from?
K: Romania - the land of undiscovered beauty.
TMS: What’s the grossest food you ever had to eat to be polite?
K: I didn't have so much of strict parents growing up, therefore, if I didn't like something, I wasn't forced to eat it.
TMS: Who is your favorite musician?
K: Nicki Minaj
TMS: What afterschool activity did you quit as a kid, and why?
K: Chess. I really loved playing chess and even participated in national competitions. Never took home any awards, but it was something I was passionate about. Then I moved in a different city and searched for chess clubs. Found one that was happening in my school, but the teacher started to make fun of my name and then the kids started to bully me as well - I quit after 3 weeks and never played chess ever since. Way to kill my spirit.
TMS: If you could turn the ocean into a liquid other than water, which one would you pick?
K: Tea
TMS: What is your favorite conspiracy theory? And do you believe in it?
K: Recently, one about how 5G antennas are hidden in the masks and help the transmission of Coronavirus. No, I don't believe in it, but I make fun of it with my friends.
TMS: Do you have a favorite author? If you could make them write for any TV show which TV show would it be?
K: Shockingly, I don't have a favourite writer, despite reading a lot of books. I would say Agatha Christie, because her murder mystery books are astonishing. I would have her write for Élite; the plot and writing are exceptional, so I would be curious to see how would she improve an already great plot.
TMS: If you could ban 1 food from the face of the planet what would you ban?
K: Omelette or scrambled eggs - the most disgusting dish ever invented. Don't @ me =)
TMS: What is your favorite hobby?
K: Drawing. I'm pretty good at it.
TMS: Who is your favorite comic book character?
K:  In Romania, comic books weren't as big as in US. But we did have some - Scooby-Doo or Totally Spies to name a few I collected.
TMS: What vice could you never give up?
K:  I don't have a vice, unless you count 20 minute-showers one. That I would never give up.
TMS: If you could be any animal, what animal would you be?
K:  Cat. They reign supreme and sleep all day - ideal life.
TMS: What will be the title of your autobiography?
K: “I was Theodore.”

Thanks for giving our readers such insight. We're sorry to hear about the childhood chess trauma, but perhaps adopting a vice will help ameliorate its effect.


WA SCENE

Sure, our Man On the Scene THX1138 furtively prowls the corridors of power to see what lurks beneath its placid exterior, but he does far more than meets the eye. His percolating brain assimilates what he learns and performs a type of alchemy by delineating the connection between history and current NS affairs. Readers, we implore you to read his analysis of WA affairs, for his interpretation transcends mere reporting and borders upon art. We state our case:

It had really started to look like things were returning to normal in the hallowed halls of the World Assembly. The commissary was full to capacity throughout August and September, and since that's where I pick up my juiciest gossip (and a pretty terrific Salisbury Steak on Wednesdays) it looked like the whole pandemic thing might have finally abated.

Little did I know it wasn't just the germ of ideas filling the corridors of power, and in the blink of an eye, things seem to be worse than ever. Fortunately, I keep a healthy private stash of PPE and hand sanitizer in my janitor closet / office, and with a nice mop-sink about three feet away from my desk, I'm pretty diligent about hand-washing.

I did pop my masked face into the WA writer's room a few times through October, and things were definitely quieter than usual, but I figured everyone had grown so accustomed to working from home during the lockdown that they just decided not having to wear pants to work was the better way.

I was surprised then, when I cracked my October dossier to find just 8 resolutions to discuss, after there had been 14 in each of the two previous months. Not going to complain, since I am somewhat work averse, but it may signify another looming period of quiet in the Assembly. If this second pandemic wave grows any worse, I could be back to skateboarding empty Assembly hallways before I know it. I mean, it's a blast. This place has great rails, but, it's not in the spirit of quidnuncs to be without eaves to drop and tales to tattle.

For October then, eight is enough to fill our lives with love…

GAR#515 "International Bankruptcy Policy": I am always a bit leery when I see resolutions touching into the economic aspects of international relationships. I suppose it's just an inherent mistrust of globalism and 'the man' (aka the Assembly), that I know I need to be aware of, when reviewing. That means giving resolutions like this one more than one read and making sure I'm giving them proper consideration. After getting past my insta-repulsion, this one seemed pretty good, establishing civil practices and a common farming around bankruptcies that have implications across borders. 85% support in passing.

SCR#327 Condemn Raionitu: Although it has 'condemn' in the title, this resolution was just a raider love letter. It really didn't even try to conceal the condemnation-but-really-a-commendation approach, and dogsh*t like this continues to clutter the SC and exploit voters who simply don't understand that what they are actually voting for is a secret-handshake badge of honour to the worst among us. This one landed just on the wining side of 50% and would be an easy pick-off for any author looking for their first repeal. Just call it what it is, and it'll disappear.

GAR#516 "Repeal 'Ban on Sterilisation of Minors etc'": The Assembly has spent an obscene amount of time on this particular subject, and the many, many cyclical iterations of the same law continuously get repealed for pretty much the same reasons. No tears were shed when this repeal passed with 77% support and let us all hope that we never have to hear about sterilized minors ever again.

GAR#517 "Repeal 'World Assembly Trade Rights'": IA dug deep into the long ago to hoist out this corpse and check its teeth. Cavities were abundant, and given that this is right in IA's wheelhouse, he set to drilling. The repeal passed easily, with 92% support, and there is likely a comprehensive replacement in the waiting room.

SCR#328 "Commend Kuriko": It turns out that my theory that Kuriko was being held hostage to a replacing commendation, as a means to inspire greater activity, may have been a bit off the mark. In fact, it all happened very quickly, and there's no denying this one is the better of the two. 84% showed love, and the other 16% made some sort of political statement that no one cared about.

GAR#518 "Reducing Disease Vectors": I had some reservations about this resolution, and felt it could lead to some haphazard uses of pesticides that might threaten friendly pollinators. Most voters, however, hate mosquitos enough that nothing else matters, and 80% checked the vector, Victor.

SC "Condemn Northern Borland" (did not pass): In character, sort of, and maybe not, but kind of, and maybe but not really, I think…. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 77% against

GAR#519 "Provisional Rule in Wartime": This resolution sought to set out some ground rules for the treatment of citizens in occupied warzones, and on the face of it, it looked like a fair bit of common sense rules to prevent mistreatment. My hang-up with it was that it framed warfare in a somewhat antiquated way. In a more modern context, where warriors often blend back into the population after occupation, but continue to wage battle, this resolution becomes less fitting. Despite those misgivings, it's good legislation, and passed with 73% of the vote.

That's it, that's all…like I said, light month. We'll see what November brings.


ASK SANDY
Featuring
Sandy Shoals

Dear Sandy:
I am a 23 year old female, single, straight and dating. There is a guy at work I was really interested in, and I was super happy when he asked me out. The first date was fun. We both had a good time, and we've been out twice since, but here's the problem. He hasn't even tried to kiss me. Not even a goodnight kiss when he brings me home. I've sent pretty clear signals that I'm attracted to him. I've been flirty, but he's not making his move. Now he wants to go out on a fourth date, but I'm starting to wonder if maybe he's not really into me as more than just someone to hang out with. Should I write him off and move on to someone new?

Sandy: This is a tough spot to be in. Normally I'd say if he hasn't tried to kiss you by the third date, he's just not into you, and to keep dating is just going to start feeling like rejection, but I decided to talk to a couple of my guy friends to see if there's something I might be missing. Turns out there could be other things holding him back. Both of the guys I talked to think he hasn't made a move because you two work together. They say if he keeps asking you out, he's definitely into you, but he could be nervous about things getting more physical because it could cause problems at the job. If you're going to be making a decision about whether or not to continue seeing this guy, it's something you should be thinking about too. Both of my friends suggest that you should bring it up and get it all out on the table on your next date. Not a very romantic approach for a girl who just wants the man to take the lead, but under the circumstances, it might be the best way to establish safe boundaries for both of you. Be a little subtle about it, and it might open the door to the kiss you've been longing for. If you have 'the talk' and there's still no smooching by the end of the night, move on.

Having marital problems? Need advice for the lovelorn? Personal or career changes on your mind? Ask Sandy Shoals!


POET LAUREATE

Since the first installment of the Poet Laureate Contest W-A-A-Y back in 2011, Aersoldorf has won the competition an outlandish nineteen times. So it's no surprise if our faithful readers expected him to win it again. However, the real surprise was that an upstart sprang from our ranks to wrest the title from Sir Aerso. This time, the winner, who has only been with us since spring, was Margaux, who is also known as our Secretary of State. To our great relief, Margaux gave us permission to share this gem with our readers.

The Quiet Throne

On top you stand alone,
and you have given everything to get there.
You sit on this lonely throne,
and you wonder, was it all fair.

How many dreams did you crush?
Who was hurt during your rise?
Because it was all a rush,
or was it all a bunch of lies.

They told you to be the best,
But did they tell you about the pain?
The endless time put into the contest,
through the snow, mud, and rain.

You pushed your friends and family away,
and only walked a lone path.
You hold the darkness at bay,
ever feeling life's wrath.

The aches and pain of it all,
never seem to disappear.
There is no one for you too call,
as you sit here in fear.

You look back and wonder,
what was it all for?
And as you hear the thunder,
what if you chose a different door?


CULTURAL AFFAIRS

The Cultural Office has been a center of activity of late, featuring numerous events, some of which are in celebration of Halloween. For example, Cultural Officer Thedairos hosted the Halloween Horror Story Event. Minister of Education Grea Kriopia sponsored her first Regional Pumpkin Event. The busy lady also hosted the XKI Minecraft Halloween Event. In the midst of all this activity, new Delegate HumanSanity invited citizens to attend the Liberty Gala, a Soiree in Celebration of Regional Sovereignty. As if that weren't enough to keep you busy, Taco-Island-Charities prompted the Seventh Hahiha Nation Creation, which ties in with the Liberty Gala. It's been a very whirlwind of activity. Keep your eyes peeled for upcoming events.



FLOTSAM AND JETSAM

Let's congratulate Wischland on her appointment as Head of the Knight Mentor Program! We're happy to see an influx of women in positions of responsibility in these Islands.

Senior Senator Controlitia has announced the recipient of the Rookie of the Quarter Q4. The Senator gave a brief but inspiring speech to commemorate the occasion. Rather than paraphrase him, here is his speech:
We are gathered here today to honor[nation] Margaux[/nation] as the new Rookie of the Quarter. Margaux joined the 10000 Islands on the 28th of April, 2020 and the regional forum on the 23rd of May, 2020. Since then, they have the following accomplishments:

He has served as the Secretary of State and Deputy Senator for Himes West.

He has been an active recruiter with over 2,600 telegrams and 79 recruits.

He has participated in over 50 missions -- and specifically in the refound of Iran -- as an active TITO member and has livened up the chat with humor and politeness

He has been an active participant in the Discord and a fixture in our Among Us games

He has also been active in the forum, with over 2,0000 posts, and A Taco Archipelago's RMB and has diligently worked to invigorate roleplay in our region

Margaux was the featured nation in August.

It is my honor as Senior Senator to present Margaux with the Rookie of the Quarter award.



EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITIES

The Mad Surfer is looking for highly qualified, motivated, dedicated writers. But maybe you would like to try your hand at it, too. And now WE CAN PAY YOU! Yes, we actually now have a payroll department! Pay commensurate with talent and ability to ingratiate oneself with Editor. Stringent job examination includes placing a mirror in front of your mouth to see if it fogs up. Please notify Jabberwocky or The Mad Surfer to apply.

As always, XKI needs Emissaries to help conduct our foreign affairs. Please apply here: Linkhttp://10000islands.proboards.com/thread/37610/emissaries-needed.

Ministry of Labor has announced several important job openings.

Linkhttp://10000islands.proboards.com/thread/40289/quintuple-knight-statue-designs-needed.

Linkhttp://10000islands.proboards.com/thread/40224/graphic-designer-needed.

Linkhttp://10000islands.proboards.com/thread/40336/hiring-emissary-arctic.



You, too, can be one of the lucky few. Have TMS delivered right to your virtual door: Linkhttp://10000islands.proboards.com/thread/35671/subscription-sign-list.

The Mad Surfer is:

Staff Writers: THX1138, Sandy Shoals, Jabberwocky.
Associate Editor: Grea Kriopia
Editor in Chief/Circulation/Advertising: Jabberwocky

RawReport