by Max Barry

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by The  Holy Quarantined Zombies  of Nooooooooooooooo. . 40 reads.

Comedians talking about Nooooooooooooooo

[b]Pete Thomas[/b] (SKT)

...And I wanna talk about Nooooooooooooooo, the thing everyone says when they find out that people actually live there. Well, not quite that pessimistic, but, you get the point. There's one thing I'm wondering about though, is that why John Edwards is even president. Like, Rilo should still be in there. No, don't get worried, I wasn't gonna shoot him. Be he was shot for a good reason, so... you know, I can't blame 'em on that. But why did he ban computers in the first place? Was he drunk? Was he bored? Was he that stupid? Was he up late at night, so he was tired? Was he not tired? You know, he was so awake that he did a 360 and became tired? He was not.. uh, he was so not tired that he was tired? Doesn't seem like something he would just do naturally. In all honesty, though, I think that the Noon citizens are especially intelligent, you know... right? ...Except for the Salabrachon Zoo in 1923, but that's a whole different story. Yeah. Anyway, I also want to talk about Ben Franklin... the American. Just kidding, you know who. I wonder why his parents named him that. Maybe they liked the American so they named their son after him. And I'll guarantee, I'll bet you anything, that he's gonna look like old Ben Franklin at the end of Edwards's term, okay? I guarantee it. I... yeah. Yeah. 'Kay? Yeah, and I'll bet old Ben is looking down right now thinking 'God, is there anything He could have done worse with Edward's face? Yeccchh.' Oh, boy. I know, I know, it's cliché to slam someone's face, but you guys seem to love it, so I'll keep going... 


[b]Kyle North[/b] (NOO)

Thank you, thank you Salabrachon, it's great to be here, I recently bought a box of donuts, and now the police are trying to break into my house. I know. Now, as a guy who was born in Cosconia-- uh, Coscona... [i][laughs][/i] 88 degrees feels like sweltering heat here. But hey, at least the pools don't freeze over, right? Yeah! Back in Conakija, 60 degrees and we put on swim trunks and hit the water. Or, more like, hit the ice. It's just the right temperature where the water's got like that, nice, ice coating, like when you put ice cubes in the freezer... or out on the porch when I was a kid, and... [i][laughs][/i] and they're not completely frozen yet, but they're... more like, half-ice, half-water? That's what it was like. I swear, the highest temperature we ever had was 80 degrees. I mean, come on. But what did I expect from Salabrachon? It's the same reason I only do my USA specials in Colorado or Alaska. People are always like 'Come to Los Angeles, come to Los Angeles,' yeah... NOPE! Absolutely not! It gets like, 110 degrees in the summer. Yeah, I'm not coming to Los Angeles, alright? Anyway, back to the weather in Nooooooooooooooo. See, the problem is, that whenever I go to like, Salastad, it's-- you get that feeling, where it's too hot, but it's also too cold. You ever get that feeling? It's like when you have the blankets over you, but then you push them off because you're too hot. But then five seconds later, you get too cold! That's wh-- yeah. That's what I imagine Canada is like. I know, I know, they're all like, 'Oh, sorry about the blankets... sorry about beating you in ice hockey...' ...actually, that's the one thing that they're [b]not[/b] sorry about. But they're like 'Sorry about the blankets...' and I'm like, 'Yeah, sure, but is there any way to put like, an A/C in the matress? I mean, I know some companies do that...' Anyway, off-topic real quick here, I do sympathize with the fire victims, I hope everyone is alright... even you Frank Robertson... yeah, never thought I'd say that, am I right? Yeah... but seriously, I do hope everyone is fine, I hope that your houses are alright... I know the, uh, the 1827 Station is being rebuilt... watch this dude from way over somewhere just, you know, name a subway stop, from memory, everyone's impressed, the crowd goes wild, I... yeah...


[b]John Lawrence[/b] (GBR)

...Of course, we have to talk about Nooooooooooooooo, our favorite trade partner and most unrealistic country... I mean like, what is going on with it's name? It's like the first leader dropped their ice cream cone and they're like 'Oh Noooooo-- hey! That would be a good name for our country!' But the problem is, I have no idea how these people survive. Over 6 billion people, but the size of Switzerland? Get real, will you? President Edwards needs to make some reforms. 1. He needs to change the name to... something else, and 2. I'm tired of seeing these made up last names. Like, I searched up the meaning of 'Rilo' the other day and nothing came up. Except for a screen that said 'SITE BLOCKED.' I was using a school computer because I was picking up my son. And I'm tired of hearing about all their scientific achievements, the list of which is largely inconsistent. Yeah, yeah. They can send manned rockets all the way to Ceres... yet they still have American-style homes? Sheesh... And don't even get me started on it's neighboring nation, Skratmalatis. [i][stammers][/i] King John II is an idiot, okay? He legalized slavery, but also banned zoos? Doesn't that defeat the purpose of not having zoos? Yeah. Go on and hate me about it, but I'm telling you man, the zookeepers... total jerks... But I really want to talk about the recent election here in the UK...


[b]John Oliver[/b] (GBR)

Nooooooooooooooo, the country that Darth Vader named, also, the "ostrich" capital of the world.