by Max Barry

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DispatchMetaReference

by The  Quarantined Peoples  of Nooooooooooooooo. . 129 reads.

Things J o s h E g g m a n is not allowed to do



Guy Fleegman

Flag of Althaniq with happy face

Ben Stiller SecDef after being shot

Blast Metallica in the Presidential Mansion=
Burn official portraits of Guy Fleegman (the mans himself on the flag)
Kick computer mice out of the window
Kick actual mice out of the window
Chase his future self down the streets of San Francisco
Play Calvinball while on duty
Draw a happy face on the flag of Althaniq
Comb his Attourney General's hair
Use spray-on hair
Have a fly on his hair
Put curlers in his hair
Part his hair
Touch his hair
Acknowledge his hair
Look at his hair
Burn his hair
Make fun of the Superior Court Judge's hair
Twunnywun
Watch Frasier
Be under the influence of alcohol because he isn't Alastair IV
Eat lettuce like a cow
Be a big dum
Not wear crocs
Meet with Trump
Spell aluminum as "alyoominnyum"
Eat a banana off the floor
Have his own youtube channel
Wear Linkthis. Ever. Nobody should ever wear anything even remotely close to that.
Play baseball in the Presidential Mansion
Use PowerPoint instead of Google Slides
Shoot his dart gun
Read Jennifer Government
Read Lexicon
Read Syrup
Read Company
Read Machine Man
Read Providence
Read Garfield
Watch Spaceballs
Make colored text with the same colored proportions as the two parties of the US House of Representatives
Criticize the Authoritarian Party
Burst into tears in court
Be flammenwerfed by Alastair IV
Shoot a Nerf gun at his Secretary of Defense's eyes
Perform the triple lindy on a high dive with only two boards
Steal Caliph [READACTED]'s coffee
Slurp up popcorn juice
Lie on his passport application
Sell his timeshare
Name his son "Jhon", "Jon", "Johny", or "Jhonnathan"
Dress up like a cowboy and stuff a rubber snake into his boot
Make Schmoes
Use a 24-hour clock
Use a 10-hour clock
Sing the DK song
Call himself a M E M E L O R D
Make his factbooks about what he isn't supposed to do too long
End the factbook

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