by Max Barry

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by The    of Nooooooooooooooo. . 88 reads.

Things J o s h E g g m a n is not allowed to do

Guy Fleegman

Flag of Althaniq with happy face

SecDef after being shot

Blast Metallica in the Presidential Mansion
Recite George Carlin transcripts
Burn official portraits of Guy Fleegman (the mans himself on the flag)
Kick computer mice out of the window
Kick actual mice out of the window
Chase his future self down the streets of San Francisco
Play Calvinball while on duty
Draw a happy face on the flag of Althaniq
Comb his Attourney General's hair
Use spray-on hair
Have a fly on his hair
Put curlers in his hair
Part his hair
Touch his hair
Acknowledge his hair
Look at his hair
Burn his hair
Call the Superior Court Judge "Fancy Pants"
Make fun of the Superior Court Judge's hair
Listen to Queen
Say bad things about the band 311
Watch Frasier
Be under the influence of alcohol because he isn't Alastair IV
Eat lettuce like a cow
Sing "I wanna be a cow"
Try to recreate the music video of "Sledgehammer" by Peter Gabriel
Shock the monkey like Peter Gabriel
Make it Big Time bY pEtEr GaBrIeL
Be a big dum
Not wear crocs
Meet with Dolan Tranpf (due to COVID-19, of course, not anything else such as the fact that {REDACTED})
Spell aluminum as "alyoominnyum"
Buy 10,000 shade balls
Eat a banana off the floor
Have his own youtube channel
Wear Linkthis. Ever. Nobody should ever wear anything even remotely close to that.
Play baseball in the Presidential Mansion
Use PowerPoint instead of Google Slides
Shoot his dart gun
Make parodies of Richard Cheese
Read Jennifer Government
Read Lexicon
Read Syrup
Read Company
Read Machine Man
Read Providence
Read Garfield
Watch Spaceballs
Make colored text with the same colored proportions as the two parties of the US House of Representatives
Criticize the Authoritarian Party
Burst into tears in court
Be flammenwerfed by Alastair IV
Shoot a Nerf gun at his Secretary of Defense's eyes
Perform the triple lindy on a high dive with only two boards
Steal Caliph [READACTED]'s coffee
Slurp up popcorn juice
Lie on his passport application
Sell his timeshare
Name his son "Jhon", "Jon", "Johny", or "Jhonnathan"
Dress up like a cowboy and stuff a rubber snake into his boot
Make Schmoes
Jump out his skin (Jump out his skin)
The skin he's in (The skin he's in)
Use a 24-hour clock
Use a 10-hour clock
Sing the first line of I am the Walrus ten times fast
Sing the DK song
Call himself a M E M E L O R D
Wear cutoff jean shorts under his underwear
Make his factbooks about what he isn't supposed to do too long
End the factbook