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DispatchFactbookMiscellaneous

by The Isolationist Republic of Socialist Macronesia. . 141 reads.

F7 5: It's An Action Movie Now, Not A Clue Ripoff

This movie took me an exorbitantly long time to write. Mainly because I needed to balance some stuff out.

I also cut a lot of people out and replaced them with some new ones. Mostly to fit the plot.

Enjoy. Or don't.

Socialist Macronesia (John Adam Ross)
Western Fardelshufflestein (Wilhelm/Alastair)
Wuchu (Kotera)
Las Palmeras (Montse)
New Carthagea (Christophe II)
Kiu Ghesik (Ari)
Minskiev (Ivan)
Azur Deutschland (Sylvia/Julienne)
Free Ravensburg (Amadeus)
Empirical Switzerland (Bodie)
Sanghyeok (Oomiya)

The movie starts with Ross and Nate sitting in Ross' office.

ROSS
And you're absolutely sure of it?

NATE
Certainly.

ROSS
Alright then. I won't take any chances.

NATE
Anyway, as I'm sure you have heard, the notorious crime syndicate AYIMOO, standing of course for A Yearly Incident, Mostly On Others, is up and running again. They've launched their singular attack for this year, and stolen the... What are we trying to get back again?

ROSS
And really, shouldn't these roles be reversed?

NATE
Anyway, they stole the Golde-- no, the Solex-- wait that's The-- the LEKTOR-- no... Uhh, you have to find the Electron... Laser. Key. The Electron Laser key. To activate the Electron Laser.

ROSS
Do you know where it might be?

Nate rolls away from a map, and throws a dart.

NATE
The Pacific--

He throws again.

NATE
Looks like... East Germany.

ROSS
How old is this map?

USSR is stenciled in bright letters across the Russian continent.

NATE
Not important. Point is, you need to go first to New Carthagea to find the personnel dossier for the program.

Ross leaves.

He walks into a laboratory.

ROSS
Warren, what do you have for me today?

WARREN
Okay Ross, you'll be using this radio. Upon activation it will disperse a knockout gas that will render anyone in the vicinity unconscious.

Ross presses a button.

WARREN
Really? Anyway, you will also be using this Commissioner APC. We at the R&D branch spend millions of dollars and a few years preparing this APC. Don't get it--

ROSS
You know I'm going to blow it up, right?

WARREN
Unfortunately, yes.

ROSS
Anyway, hope that's all you had to explain.

WARREN
But--

Ross leaves.

Ross shows up at the New Carthagean Royal Wedding. He walks into the castle.

Immediately he sees Ari. and walks directly towards her.

ARI
Who might you be?

ROSS
Ross. John Ross. Want a drink?

ARI
Sure.

They go to the bar.

ROSS
So who are you?

ARI
I'm Ari.

ROSS
The knife woman?

ARI
The only.

What brings you here, Mr. Ross?

ROSS
I'm here to shoot people, commit war crimes, and seduce you.

She nods.

ARI
So... Wanna kiss?

ROSS
Sure.

They kiss.

ROSS
Now, I have to go.

He leaves, and goes downstairs to the catacombs.

Wilhelm and two of his guards are there.

ROSS
We must talk.

WILHELM
I don't know you, but okay.

They go into a side room

Wilhelm's guard hold Ross at gunpoint.

WILHELM
As you may see, you've fallen into my trap!

Ross throws the radio and runs out.

He comes back in. Wilhelm has a gas mask on.

ROSS
I have a gun, but let's fight hand-to-hand!

The two begin to exchange punches. After thirty seconds, Ross just takes out his gun.

ROSS
Enough. Where is the Electron Laser Key?

WILHELM
East Berlin.

Ross, and the unconscious guards both open fire on Wilhelm.

ROSS
He always... uh...

Ari walks in.

ARI
What happened?

ROSS
He... hated getting his shots. Is that good?

ARI
Anyway, let's get those files.

Ross and Ari, both being shot at by Wilhelm's guards, dodge the bullets and run to the server room.

ARI
I can spike h-- no...

ROSS
Just grab the conveniently labeled disk drive on that table.

A drive labeled "SUPER SECRET PERSONEL DOSSIER" is on the table.

ARI
Let's go!

The two run to the end of the hallway.

ROSS
However shall we escape?

ARI
Why don't you use your contacts to find someone to help you?

KOTERA
Did somebody say--

ROSS
Yeah yeah yeah, just create a diversion.

KOTERA
No worries. I have just the plan. We'll escape in your APC, and terrorists will attack, diverting their attention!

ROSS
A great plan!

Ross, Kotera, and Ari load up into the APC. Ari immediately crashes it.

NC SOLDIER
Stop! Come out with your hands up!

Ross comes out with a Medium Atomic Demolition Munition.

NC SOLDIER
He's got a nuke!

The three run away back to the compound.

KOTERA
Any second now...

The terrorists attack.

ARI
Why are there terrorists here?

ROSS
No explanation necessary.

The VALV hovers above the ground.

NATE
Good job, I see you've met up with the defecting KGB-NKVD-GRU-Mossad official, Ari.

ROSS
A woman could never do as good of a job as me.

NATE
Ross, you REALLY have to change that slogan.


Ross is back in the office.

NATE
Through your operations, we have managed to secure the location of the next clue.

ROSS
Where is it?

Nate shudders.

NATE
...General.


Ross and Ari walk into what appears to be a nuclear wasteland.

ARI
Where are we?

ROSS
The General forum.

An RPG streaks past his head.

ARI
Why does everyone here look so MEAN?

ROSS
Duh, nobody here has ever heard anything that contradicts their own opinion.

Ross steps over a landmine.

ARI
So who are we looking for?

ROSS
An Amadeus Fredrich.

Ross and Ari step inside an abandoned shack. The room has been split down the middle, with both sides pointing guns at each other.

ARI
Are you crazy? We'll be shot!

RIGHT SIDE MAN #1
COMMIES!

LEFT SIDE WOMAN #1
Cyka blyat!

RIGHT SIDE MAN #2
Communism has failed every time it was tried!

LEFT SIDE MAN #2
What about this obscure place you've never heard of?

RIGHT SIDE MAN #1
Doesn't matter!

Ari and Ross deftly weave through the crowd.

ARI
Why haven't they shot anyone yet?

One man on the right side pulls a pistol. A laser point appears on his head.

ROSS
The mods.

They make their way to the back of the building. Amadeus is standing there, watching the conflict unfold.

AMADEUS
Ross, I presume?

ROSS
Yes. It is.

The two squint at each other.

ROSS
I know you may be a weeb nation, and we may not always see eye to eye, but I need your help.

AMADEUS
I am willing to help.

ROSS
But why?

AMADEUS
This AYIMOO - I never met the organization, but I know they are weebs. The group that worked for the furries, World Wide War. You know your history? At the end of the war, the weebs surrendered to the gamers in Austria, believing they would join them and wage war against the communists. But the gamers betrayed them, sent them back to Stalin, who promptly had them all shot. Women, children, families. Not exactly our finest hour. Still, ruthless people. They got what they deserved.

ROSS
True, true.

ARI
So where is the organization today?

AMADEUS
For that I'll have to pull a few strings.

ROSS
Where is the headquarters?

AMADEUS
Underneath the remains of the Berlin Wall. I can't get you there, but I assure you I know who can.

ROSS
Who?

ALASTAIR
We can.

Alastair and Ivan are sitting together in a booth, sharing a bag of popcorn, watching the two sides fight.

IVAN
But it'll cost you.

ROSS
How much?

IVAN
The floofy blanket.

ARI
No!

IVAN
Deal breaker. Blanket. Now.

Ari reluctantly holds out the blanket.

ALASTAIR
Alright, let's go.

(travel by map intensifies)

ALASTAIR
We are here.

The group is standing outside, in the middle of nowhere.

IVAN
I can't help you any farther, but all you have to do to get inside now is take smack about anime.

ROSS (yelling)
ANIME GIRLS? MORE LIKE ANIME TRAPS, AM I RIGHT?

A variety of cat-eared NKVD agents pop out of nowhere.

ROSS
That was fast.

OPERATIVE #1
You awe aww undew awwest fow shawing state secwets-- I mean uhh, talking smack about anime!

The scene cuts to a prison cell.

ARI
How ever will we escape?

ROSS
Don't worry, I've got a cunning plan.

He shanks the guard in front of his cell, takes the keys, and unlocks both the cells.

ARI
How was that cunning? Or a plan?

Ross tosses her an AKS.

ROSS
It worked, didn't it? Now, let's take on some weebs.

The two gun their way through the complex, eventually reaching a main control room.

OOMIYA
I see you've found my organization.

ROSS
Oomiya? How could it possibly be you?

The banner on the wall labeled AYIMOO is upside down.

She flips it back around to read OOMIYA.

ROSS
How could I ever have guessed?

OOMIYA
Sorry, my bad.

ARI
Honestly I can't blame him. Just looked like a really light grey.

Montse, Sylvia, and Julienne came out of the background.

ROSS
Of course! You recruited weeb nations to join you so that you could take over the world with the Electron Laser!

MONTSE
How has it taken you this long to realize that that was the plot of the movie?

ARI
He's kind of dumb.

OOMIYA
Anyway, as you all may have known, I now have the Electron Laser key, so I can activate the Electron Laser and... turn EVERYONE into a weeb!

ROSS
You'll never get away with this!

Sylvia and Julienne pull MP40s, Oomiya pulls a PPSH-41, and Montse pulls an MP5.

ARI
...okay they might.

The four open fire. Ross and Ari dive behind a sign.

ARI
What does this sign say?

ROSS
That's not a sign, it's a label. This is the convenient plot barricade that always exists at the crucial moment it is needed.

ARI
That's a relief.

Alarms begin to wail.

OOMIYA
It's too late now, John Ross! The Electron Laser is firing!

The two watch on a screen as the timer counts down.

ARI
Oh no! We can't stop it!

The timer hits zero.

OOMIYA
uhh... we hit an anime convention.

SYLVIA
Great.

The four rush out.

ARI
After them!

The four get in a car and drive away.

ROSS
We'll never catch them now!

ARI
We need to know where they are going!

ROSS
I know just the man.


ROSS
Lord Bodie, I need your help.

BODIE
With what, exactly?

ROSS
Oomiya and her fellow weebs have stolen the Electron Laser key, and are using it to turn humans into weebs!

BODIE
We must stop them! What do you need?

ROSS
I need to know where Amadeus is now. And I might need some military support.

BODIE
Geneva.

Ross shudders.


AMADEUS
I see.

ROSS
Do you have any idea where they could be next?

AMADEUS
No, I only knew of the Berlin base.

Ari's eyes light up.

ARI
I know! We could trace their network links from the old base to the new one!

She takes out a laptop and smashes a few keys down.

ROSS
Where are they?

Ari's face grows dim.

ARI
...Tunisia.


Several GRAIL trucks are driving out through the desert, carrying troops, Ross, and Ari.

ROSS
Alright, our goal is to find the Electron Laser key, disable the system, and blow up the complex.

The trucks stop and the troops dismount.

Gunfire is exchanged. The troops rush the entrance to the facility.

It just turns into any normal Bond movie action section. You could literally just play any of them here and you'd be fine. This takes like 10 minutes.

ROSS
Look! The control room!

The two rush in, guns drawn

OOMIYA
You're far too slow! The laser has already been activated!

SYLVIA
Yeah!

The four begin to laugh.

ROSS
Then fight me!

He raises his fist!

Oomiya charges him. She is gunned down by a GRAIL soldier.

OOMIYA
No! How could you!

Ross runs to the console and redirects the laser to fire at the New Carthagean capitol building.

ARI
What are you doing?

ROSS
Just giving that jackass of a president the works!

The timer hits zero and the laser fires. The shot cuts to Christophe growing cat ears.

CHRIS
What the... Hewwo? I feew stwange nyow...

The shot cuts back.

ARI
Ross, you saved the day!

Bodie walks in.

BODIE
Not really. They have the building rigged to explode!

Everyone rushes away.

ARI
There's no time! We have to steal this plane!

Ross commandeers a Cessna 172, and flies all three away just before the explosion.

Ross and Ari kiss. Bodie just smiles and winks.

THE END.

Please never make me do this again.

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