by Max Barry

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by The Garden of Earthly Delights of Jabberwocky. . 84 reads.

The Mad Surfer, September 2020

The Official Newspaper of the 10000 Islands
September 2020

August 2020 | July 2020 | June 2020 | May 2020

“The newspaper is a greater treasure to the people than uncounted millions of gold.”
-Henry Ward Beecher

Weather: perfect
Water temp: inimitable
Waves: gnarly

The Council of Nine
Last Updated: September 2020

Chief Executive: Markanite
Delegate: Kuriko
Minister of Labor: Human Sanity
Minister of Immigration: THX1138
Minister of Education: Grea Kriopia
Senator for New Republica South: Controlitia
Senator for Himes West: Wille-Harlia
Senator for Blue Canaria North: Grea Kriopia
Senator for Lyonnesse East: Thedairos

-Deputy Minister of Immigration: Haivon
-Deputy Minister of Education: Alf
-Deputy Senators for Himes West: Central Russia, Margaux
-Deputy Senator of Blue Canaria North: Wischland
-Deputy Senator of Lyonesse East: Free Las Pinas

In the 10,000 Islands, we are either in the midst of an election, or preparing for the next cycle...and that cycle has arrived! The race for a seat in New Republica South got off to a resounding start as candidates immediately declared their intent. Controlitia got things off to a start for the Mayor Shelter Political Party. His opening shot was echoed by Kohnhead, who declared for The Welcoming Islands Party. Then, a surprise, as Solarampa threw his hat into the ring as an Independent. Control got off to a quick lead.

Not to be outdone, the race for Blue Canaria North generated its own noise as Wischland raised a banner for The Islands Party. It is unfortunate that Wischland finds herself running unopposed, as incumbent Grea Kriopia has elected not to seek another term. As longtime readers know, TMS finds such a void abhorrent, counter to political nature.

The big news, however, is that Kuriko has completed her second term as World Assembly Delegate for XKI, to general acclaim and approbation. But all good things come to an end, and the election for her replacement is nigh upon us. Quick to fill the political void were a pair of formidable opponents. In THIS corner, we find current Minister of Labor HumanSanity (MSPP). In THAT corner stands a candidate who, despite being widely known as XKI’s favorite vampire, remains as a political powerhouse in his own right: Hakketomat (TIP). It is worth noting that Hakke conducted a very aggressive campaign, hurling vicious accusation at his foe. HS took the verbal assault calmly, maintianing that he has never committed vehicular manslaughter. Despite that, HS jumped out to a substantial lead.

Candidate statements are posted at the Election Board, as well as a lively Q&A session for prospective Delegates. Be sure to exercise your rights and VOTE!! The polls are open.


XKI Casino is making its citizens a bit wealthier than they were previously, and Margaux is a case in point. He hit a winning line while playing the popular XKI Lottery, and walked home 150,000 tacos richer! Let us be clear: he was one number away from winning 20,000,000 tacos! He was forced to walk because we divested him of the burden of his keys after a lengthy celebration with his equally inebriated mates. He was simply the lead story, as a number of other patrons left with a heavy purse, including both our illustrious Editor AND our publisher…and our advice columnist…and our typesetter too. As well as our feature writer. Really, everybody wants to win the big jackpot, and it could be YOU! But only if you play.


It's time to rediscover the LinkXKI Casino and a whole new level of entertainment! Come and experience all that's new at the LinkXKI Casino. It's a whole new game!
You're gonna need a bigger wallet...



Tides are a force of nature, they said. They cannot be controlled, they said. We are eternally subject to their whims, they said. This was true until some XKI genius invented Tide Control. Rest assured, this is the product of Science. Now, it is not only possible, it's profitable. Witness this month's Mortimer Report.

September brings cooling down to the Northern Hemisphere and warming up to the Southern Hemisphere. These moderations of temperature have brought many amateur astronomers out to view the skies overhead, just in time to see one of nature's grand spectacles - a syzygy! The sun, the moon, and several of the larger planets lined up over 10000 Islands, providing a spectacular sight only visible from the Islands and nowhere else on Earth, and sending viewers into paroxysms of joy. But there is another effect that syzygies produce - a gravitational effect that has consequences for the seas of 10000 Islands. These gravitational effects produce extreme tides as the combined gravities of the celestial bodies move the waters far more than normal. For that reason, nations with Tide Control will gain a 5,000 taco bonus (in addition to their normal payouts) due to the lack of coastal flooding on their waterfront properties.

Mortimer Printout - September 2020
Economic Outlook
Sector: 2 - Special Items
Item: Tide Control
Bonus: 5,000 Ŧ
Mitigation: N/A
Adjustment: N/A
Stock Market:
From 01-August-2020 to 30-August-2020
Average Change: +2,483 Ŧ
Percent Change: 5%—Stocks are growing
Average Dividend (Base/Dividend): (305/320)

As always, the stock report in its entirety can be found here: Link

XKI Space Program

Last month, Jabberwocky narrowly edged out Markanite in XKI's first space race. Jabber quickly established a colony and lofted a TMS banner over what will soon be our lunar annex. Other colonies have been established as well, and the race is on to scoop up real estate with a great view of Planet Earth and the Solar System! Talk about a room with a view! Islanders are lining up to get in on the action. If you're interested in an exciting race to the moon, see this thread: Link


You know him as the current Cards Coop Administrator, and RPer extraordinaire, Free Las Pinas. However hard he tried to manoeuver out of it, we finally cornered him at his desk amid piles of cards strewn about in apparently artless fashion, and forced him to confront our queries. Here is how he responded.

TMS: What country are you from?
FLP: I'm from the Philippines, which is an archipelagic state in Southeast Asia.
TMS: What’s the grossest food you ever had to eat to be polite?
FLP: There's a commonly sold street food in the Philippines called "Balut". Basically, it's a fertilized developing egg embryo, boiled and eaten from the shell. I believe it is cooked between 2 or 3 weeks. Anyway, my aunts and uncles were urging me to try it, not wanting to offend them, I did. It tasted fine for the most part, but I didn't end up finishing it since my mom felt bad when I looked like I was going to vomit..
TMS: Who is your favorite musician?
FLP: Well, I listen to a ton of genres, so this is a pretty hard question. I think I'm going to go with IV of Spades, which is a band very popular in my country.
TMS: What afterschool activity did you quit as a kid, and why?
FLP: The only afterschool activity I quit was a writing guild/club, which required me to write a poem/essay/short story every week, and we only met on Mondays. At first I thought I can live with having to go home late on Mondays to write, but I was slowly I was losing inspiration. I ended up leaving, because I began to feel sick and dizzy every time I had to go home on a Monday, and I couldn't even finish homeworks anymore.
TMS: If you could turn the ocean into a liquid other than water, which one would you pick?
FLP: Well, I wouldn't want to hurt the marine life. However, any other liquid will damage it anyway, so I'd better make it cool. I'd choose liquid nitrogen.
TMS: What is your favorite conspiracy theory? And do you believe in it?
FLP: As a scaredy cat, I try not to get in too deep with conspiracies that may scare me. Though there is this one theory that Elvis Presley assassinated JFK, which did interest me for a while, but I definitely don't believe it.
TMS: Do you have a favorite author? If you could make them write for any TV show which TV show would it be.
FLP: Oh, that's too hard for me to answer. I can't seem to think of a favorite author, and that doesn't really help me answer the second question.
TMS: If you could ban 1 food from the face of the planet what would you ban?
FLP: As a picky eater, I've been asked this question quite a lot. The food I would definitely ban is any kind of luncheon meat (and don't get me started n Vienna Sausages).
TMS: What is your favorite hobby?
FLP: I love reading books, but from time to time, I'm forced to try and play some games since it's a norm for boys.
TMS: Who is your favorite comic book character?
FLP: I absolutely adore Spiderman. But now that I think of it, I don't read much comics other than what I just mentioned.
TMS: What vice could you never give up?
FLP: I'm willing to give up bad habits if pointed out, but the one I couldn't would be holding grudges. Sometimes, I can let go of things, but there are really just things that I'm not really willing to let go of.
TMS: If you could be any animal, what animal would you be?
FLP: Well, I'd like to be a honey badger. I think honey badgers or commanding and respectable, which is something I aspire to be.
TMS: What will be the title of your autobiography?
FLP: "Always Look On the Bright Side", I think it has a pretty sweet meaning, which I think would represent me well IRL.

Upon completing this interview, we thanked FLP and freed him from his restraints.


There is the subject of Delegate toppling to undermine WA Approvals – something I've touched on before as being a somewhat heinous practice that needs to be addressed in the WA – but it'll have to wait until next month's edition. In part because there's a lot to unpack and I want to give it thoughtful treatment, but also because there may be more to share on the subject by then.

In the meantime, we'll see if the WA can devolve any further into the murk of summary justice and gang warfare (my guess is yes)

Let's get down to it boppers…

SCR#317 "Commend Trotterdam": A good bit of authorship helped this resolution through the tumultuous waters of the SC rulebook. Extensive research and a gracious sharing of results by the target, and their dedication to the community, completed this winning combination. 91% support.

GAR#503 "Protecting Legal Rights of Workers": The first of four in August, and three in succession, by author Cretox State. This legislation is part of the incremental movement to improve workers' rights in member nations, and specifically to set a fair framework around the arbitration process, creating a more balanced position from which to negotiate, for labour. 77% voted in favour.

GAR#504 "Integrity in Law Enforcement": 73% supported this resolution, which called for personnel records of law enforcement officers to be confidential until required as part of an investigation over a serious offence, at which point records must be publicly disclosed. I voted against this one, believing that a lot of small infractions, complaints, and disciplinary actions against an officer may be an indicator before the fact, and having that information in the public domain from the start could prevent tragedy. Cops are in a unique position of authority and must be held to the highest level of public account from day one on the job. If troubling behavioural trends are emerging, the public has a right to know.

SCR#318 "Commend Nuremgard": Cretox State hit the trifecta with this successful resolution, and Nuremgard got a little under 70% support in their commendation. I don't recall how I voted, but I do recall mulling it over for a couple days, then making a snap decision to make the little red 1 go away. On one hand, the res only really focused on issue authorship, so it lacked that diversity of contribution that I look for. On the other hand, there were a lot of issues to the target's credit, and that might have swayed me. Perhaps some day, under hypnosis, I'll recall what was my decision.

GAR#505 " Repeal: 'Wartime Journalism Protection Act'”: I flagged this one last month as having ample repeatability, and it took no time at all for it to get pried open. Some of these GA resolutions are great in theory, but the litmus test is always going to be how they would hold up in comparative real-world scenario. I know that kind-of bends the rules of what we do in NS, but what is art if it doesn't imitate life. 72% supported the repeal.

SCR#319 "Commend Wallenburg": Proficient WA author, very involved in that capacity, but I found the rest of this commendation was a lot of iC padding. That's not to diminish the contributions to the WA – they are considerable – but again, I'm always looking for that diversity of contribution as the benchmark. I voted against, but knew it would pass anyhow, and 71% of voters gave this one the nod.

GAR#506 "Public Access to Court Records": Whether it's there by design, or not, I always see an immediate dark side to IA's resolutions, frequently before I even know who the author is. On the face of it, this one seems benevolent and in the interest of the impoverished, which is a common IA theme, but there's almost always a harsh counter-element that gets overlooked. This resolution is a case in that point. I'm a firm believer in people's right to be forgotten. When someone commits a crime, the punishment for that crime is their sentence, be it probation, or prison, or community service. When the sentence is completed, so is the debt to society paid, and it should end there. Some jurisdictions see the sentence as the starting point of a punishment that should last a person's whole life, which is not only stupid, but is a significant contributor to recidivism. I believe in rehabilitation and I believe that people should have an unfettered opportunity to start anew. Criminal records (and under this legislation, easily accessible court records) have the capacity to haunt someone for the rest of their days, prevent them achieving gainful employment, and often for criminal acts that aren't all that serious. The medium is often enough of a message to do lifelong harm, and that tips the scales of justice to the absurd in many cases. What is ignored in IA's glorification of the public's right to access court files, is the right of a person who has now paid their debt to society to have a mistake remain in the past. I was not among the 86% who supported this.

SCR#320 " Condemn Noahs Second Country": A couple SCs written. A lot about cards. Decent support at 65%

GAR#507 "Repeal: 'Promotion of Recycling'": Identifying several significant flaws in the target and paving the way for replacing legislation to come. 84% in favour of repeal.

GAR#508 "Restrictions on Forced Eugenics": Short and sweet and serving as an asterisk to existing legislation preventing genocide. This legislation prevents nefarious governments of their agents from getting in at the ground floor. 80% support.

SCR#321 " Commend Valanora": Highlighting the target's significant contributions to the world of NS Hockey and Football, both as organizer and competitor. Passed easily with a wide majority.

GAR#509 "GMO International Trade Accord": Cretox State's fourth win of the month laid out the regulatory groundwork for international trade around genetically modified organisms. Touching on matters of information sharing, standards for environmental risk assessment, and guidelines around the protection of biodiversity in states where GMO products may be imported. This very comprehensive resolution passed with 72% support, with most opposition coming from the NatSov camp.

SC "Repeal 'Commend Evil Wolf'" (did not pass): The first resolution of the month that did not pass, but not because of anything really relating to the resolution itself. MG did a good job researching this one, the argument for repeal was sound, and I thought it was one of his better efforts. There was some raider chicanery as this resolution went through the approval process, and a handful of people sought to make the decision for everyone else. Then that happened a second time, all of which did more harm to the WA as a credible organization than anything else.

GA "Land Reclamation Regulation" (did not pass): The only real dogfight of the month, and this one tiptoed along the tightrope right until it fell on the unhappy side of the net. The measures weren't unreasonable but putting yet another WA organization all up in everyone's land use decisions was deemed too invasive by the very thinnest majority.

Catch you on the flip.

Sandy Shoals

Dear Sandy, I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years, he's now 32. He's a great guy but for one thing: a disturbing tendency to spend the night at his mother's house. She only lives 15 miles away, so we tend to see her frequently as it is. One evening while I was visiting my sister, he left our two young children alone in the house while he went to his mother's. Why? It was her birthday! To me, that's not a good enough reason to leave the kids alone overnight, even though he returned before they got up. He's very sensitive about the subject and doesn't want to discuss it. I'm on the verge of carrying the argument straight to her and tell her to quit interfering. Any advice? Hot Under the Collar

Dear Hot, this raises a couple of questions. I understand there is a clinical term for this condition: Mama’s Boy, sometimes known as Peter Pan Syndrome. He's 32? You have multiple kids without tying the knot? (I'm traditional that way) If he's endangering your children, it's just too bloody bad that he doesn't want to talk about it. I recommend marriage counseling...with a baseball bat! Mom is clearly manipulating junior, and it's time for you to gain the upper hand. Your inclination to go to the source is well founded, but gird your loins  for battle, it's gonna get bloody. If he's not willing to side with his wife, it may also be time to consider other options.

Are you troubled too? Are you one of the many who seek advice for personal or professional problems? Ask Sandy Shoals!


Last month, Hakketomat graciously hosted a song competition called Tacovision. Rather than describe it for our readers, we will let Hakke tell you the details:

"Hello everyone!
For some time, I have wanted to host an event on this forum. It is an event inspired by the RejectVision in The Rejected Realms. I bring to you Taco Island's first TacoVision!

The name itself is inspired by the real life event called Eurovision which is a contest in which participating nations send their own artists to compete in a song contest. In that contest, the songs have to be newly written and so, this contest departs from that format.

In this contest, I ask each willing participant to submit a song that they like (or think will win) that is already out and about. Thus the song does not have to be new or anything. Though I will allow for politically motivated songs (unlike in Eurovision), standard rules of conduct apply. So nothing offensive will be permitted."

As this event drew to a close, the top three winners were announced:

1st HN67 107
2nd Wille-Harlia - 87
3rd Wischland - 81

The competition was such an enormous success that Hakke decided to do it all over again. The deadline to enter is September 13, so be sure to apply on time here:

You will have till Sunday, September 13th, 11.59PM GMT to submit a song. Only one song per nation and no changing after song has first been submitted. I will make a list of entrants and their submissions and will not make any changes to that list except for adding to it.

In recent months you've read in these pages about the new TIC Newsroom Stipends, designed to encourage the proliferation of journalism in these Islands and abroad. You doubtless recall that our very own TMS was the recipient of the first of these awards. However, in honor of a recent donation by our esteemed Editor, Jabberwocky, to the tune of 1,000,000 Tacos, this Award has been named for our favorite beach bum. Sure, we here in the newsroom like to make fun of Jabber's slacker, surfer boy image, but the generosity that underlies this significant donation has convinced us that perhaps he's okay…maybe. When pressed into a brief interview by his own staff, whom he more frequently sees wielding torches and pitchforks, Mr. J simply said, “It's for the greater good.” ‘Nuff said!

House Cup and Shield Competition

At this late date, the results of the Competition seems a bit anticlimactic, given that it ran in February. However, better late than never. The winners of the Competition were as follows:

Participants (House) - Points
Escanaba (Wordy) - 24145
Jabberwocky (Louisistan) - 3716
Dorab (Louisistan) - 1149
HN67 (Echolilia) - 429
Sargon Reman (Sargon Reman) - 78
Louisistan (Louisistan) - 34
THX1138 (then Sargon Reman) - 30

Consequently, the Cup and Shield Trophies are awarded to House Wordy. For the final tally, read this: Link

Outgoing Senator of BCN, Grea Kriopia, has been appointed our new Minister of Education. Thanks to The Tasmanian Islands for his dedicated service. TMS is confident GK will excel filling in such big shoes.


The Mad Surfer is looking for highly qualified, motivated, dedicated writers. But maybe you would like to try your hand at it, too. And now WE CAN PAY YOU! Yes, we actually now have a payroll department! Pay commensurate with talent and ability to ingratiate oneself with Editor. Stringent job examination includes placing a mirror in front of your mouth to see if it fogs up. Please notify Jabberwocky to apply.

As always, XKI needs Emissaries to help conduct our foreign affairs. Please apply here: Link

These job opening and more can be found publicly posted here: Link

You, too, can be one of the lucky few. Have TMS delivered right to your virtual door: Link

The Mad Surfer is:

Staff Writers: THX1138, Sandy Shoals, Jabberwocky.
Associate Editor: Grea Kriopia
Editor in Chief/Circulation/Advertising: Jabberwocky