The Grand and Illustrious Tale of the Undying Romance of Alastair Laertes Amadeus Ludwig Kehrer the Fourth the Beloved of the Constitutional Monarchy of Western Fardelshufflestein and Ivan Kovalenko, President of the Federal Republic of Minskiev

Disclaimer: This Factbook has been appropriately censored to enable all ages to read it, as this site does not allow what horrors may come from the following dispatch if it isn’t censored. Thank you.

Ivan: Hipity hoppity, Minskiev is my property
Alastair: *glug glug* I hate everything, to be or not to be
Ivan: What is wrong Allstar?
Alastair: I am feeling bummed out.
Ivan: Speaking of bum.
*twenty minutes later*
Alastair: *glug glug* Thank you Ivan for being a good friend.
Ivan: No u
Kenneth Branagh: Hello everbody
Alastair: Kenneth Branch! Omg ily so much!!
Kensington: Seattle down now staircase I love u 2
Ivan: Alleyoop are you cheating on me?
Lister: Uh oh

Chapter 2: The Message

Ivan: I can’t believe you’d cheat on me!
Alistair: I am married
Kenneth: Do you want to shoot a movie?
Alabaster: Eek yes
Ivan: Ok
Kenneth: A dult movie.
*several hours later*
Alastair: *glug glug* That was fun
Marie: Alastair are you cheating on me?
Staircase: Uh oh
Lukas: Hello I am your long lost son
Ivanka Trump: Who??
Lucas: I do not know this message says it but is riddle
‘Your dad’s a drunk and your mom’s dead’ -XBOX LIVE
Marie: But that is either of them
Kenya: And Marie is not dead.
Lucrative: Oh no

Chapter 3: The Race War

Ari: Ooga booga throw knife!
Christopher: Crusade! Hey Russia and America, want to totally destroy any chances of getting lots of oil from your allies in the Middle East and just join together anyways in a war that doesn’t involve you in the slightest so some off-brand Malta can revive holy wars?
Ross: There’s been a murder, on the..Polar Express?
Lucifer: We need to figure out who is my dad
Ivan: Okay say our names
Lucy: Ivan Alastair the Beloved
Alastair: Uh oh
Abdul II: There he is! Die!
Ka’zimir: wait where’s the love scene
Marie: It’s already happened wink wink nudge nudge
Adam Sandre Maint: With me!
Allstore: Gasp

Chapter 4: The Murder Suicide

Rick Ross: THERE’S BEEN A MURDER
Alastair: Babe how could you?!
Ivan: I thought I was your babe!
Sandstone Maine: I’m pregnant, with Zorilla?’s baby!
Ari: GRR GROWL ROAR GRR
Marie: Wait, you’re cheating on me Main Street?!?!?!
X’il?: Heeeeeelllloooooooo!
Lukas: AAAAAAAAA
Whoever tf leads OA: Hi everybody
Amourovych: Wanna play wink
OA: Sure I have controller
*thirty minutes later*
Wexas King: I’m the single mother...of Ari!
Ari: RRRGAAAHH SNARL GROWL GGRRGGGHGRR HISS RRRAARRRGHHH

Chapter 5: The Automated Orphan Soul Harvesting Facility

Pat: Mi amour, Amour, where are go?
Armor smith: To my waifu-san Selena-Chan uWu uwu oWo owo
Ivan: So Alastair, are you going on our date to Switzerland?
Alastair: cough....cough...depression...can barely stay awake...wjekgodkeo
Lord Bodie: I’m so hot, I contribute to climate change!
Marie: Are you cheating on me?!?!
Ross: So it was you who killed Kotera!
Ari: RNEORNWTOEK
Kotera: Don’t worry, it’s not my blood.
Lukas: l i z a r d
Christophe: Here’s a government approved document about the data of a random farmer we stalked for several years.
Computer Tom: beep bop boop bep
Zorilla: NO ARI ZORILLA NOT GORILLA
Ari: GGRRRR RRRAAARRRGHH SNARL GROWL RRRAAGARRHGH
Julia: Oh no father anyways I’m off to Arabia
Sandman: Alright time to stop being relevant
Sylvia: We finish each other sen-
Julienne: Ten cents and I’ll strangle that one with blue fascist magic vines.
Montse: Rat droppings!
Bailey: D’ya w’nt sum c o t t o n
Randorn: Yeah! I’m Randorn. Ran. Dorn. Randorn. Dornran. Yeah.
Sarathress: Snake alien girls!
Alexander: Normal alien girls!
Feodora: I’m a doll, or something. Yay.
Ka’mmunizm: Snake alien girls!
Kotera: Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Either way, Death to America.
Abdul II: What do you mean by Arabic Nokia tone?
Ivan: There’s supposed to be a “romance” scene by now.
Well too bad, you, you carpenter-looking drunk.
Whoever tf leads Miranda-22: Oh my Princess Julia!
*10 minutes later and quite a few bottles of various alcohols*
Bailey: I’m pregnant, and it’s Randorn’s!
Randorn: Randorn, yeah! Ran! Dorn! Randorn!

To be continued!