by Max Barry

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by The Not Kenneth Branagh of Western Fardelshufflestein. . 553 reads.

The Things King Alastair IV is Not Allowed to Do in Court

Idea courtesy of Free Ravensburg.

1. The King is prohibited from listening to "Wrecking Ball," "My Milkshake Brings all the Boys to the Yard," "Pink Fluffy Unicorns Dancing on Rainbows" (any version), and "Lots of Me" while working around other human beings.

2. The King cannot bring his wife's Shakespeare action figures to meetings or government functions of any kind.

3. Never leave the King alone for any period of time. He will either end up drunk or crying, and there will be nothing anyone can do to console him.

4. The King is required to wear a shirt at all times unless in the privacy of his own bedroom.

5. No one is allowed to mention the King's father, who died in April 2020, while within earshot of the King.
a. Do not mention any dead members of the Royal Family, period.

6. The King is not allowed to bring popcorn into the Parliament building.
a. This rule also applies to the Queen.
b. This rule also applies to the Parliamentarians.
c. It applies to everyone, really.

7. The King is forbidden from wandering off while intoxicated.

8. The King is no longer allowed access to printers from 23:00-06:00.

9. The King cannot use permanent markers unless it is for official reasons.

10. If the King asks, "Do you see yonder cloud that's almost in shape of a camel?", ignore him. It is a quote from Hamlet and is meant to be esoteric.

11. The King is only permitted to play board games with family members due to the Great Mishap of June 11.

12. The King is not to be given any alcoholic beverages at any time.
a. He is no longer allowed to drink alcohol, period.

13. The King should not attempt to break up Parliament brawls unless he is sober.

14. When giving the King cheese, keep the amount moderate for the sake of his health and the stability of the nation.

15. Never ever, under any circumstances, let the King operate heavy machinery until further notice.

16. The King is not allowed to pretend to werf flammen at other people unless he is in his private rooms.
a. Do not let the King have access to a flammenwerfer unless he is outside and nowhere near anything or anyone. This should go without saying.

17. The King is no longer permitted to dance, twerk, or strip, whether in public or private, because that's just disturbing, Alastair. Come on.

18. The King is not allowed to plant dead bugs on the desks of people who irritate him.

19. The King is prohibited from bringing up his weight or the weight of those around him.

20. If you value your time and/or sanity, do not even think about Hamlet when you are within earshot of the King.

21. Watching the same movie over and over does not change its outcome. The ending will be the same whether the King sees it at noon or three in the morning.
a. Do not let the King watch television from 23:00-06:00 while he is intoxicated.

22. Having a law degree from Harvard does not justify:
a. Playing with Shakespeare action figures.
b. Being inebriated.
c. Devising plans to invade Switzerland.
(i. This also goes for Denmark.)
d. "Pleading the 5th" to avoid saying what he was doing for the past [insert length of time he went missing for].
e. Badly attempting an American accent of any kind.
f. Using American slang.
g. Eating two servings of dessert.
h. Arguing about the ineffectiveness of Parliament.
i. Ranting about mayors for every stupid thing they legalize/criminalize.
j. Watching My Cousin Vinny every night for five months.
k. Debating foreign leaders during meetings "for fun."
l. Referring to every condescending secretary as "Karen."
m. Acting like an idiot.

23. In the event that any or all of the children are screaming, "MCDONALD'S! MCDONALD'S! MCDONALD'S!", the King is not allowed to engage in the chant.
a. Nor is he allowed to pull into the drive as the children cheer, then order a single black coffee and leave.
b. Saying "we have food at home" is also forbidden.

24. The King cannot hug any foreign leaders; if he makes an attempt to do so, assume he is drunk.
a. The same applies for kissing other leaders on the cheek.
b. The same also applies for proposing marriage to, going out with, and marrying other leaders.
c. The same also also applies for the spontaneous creation of F7 children.

25. The King is not allowed to interact with Kenneth Branagh Kenneth Branagh is not part of the Western Fardelshufflesteinian federal government.
a. Nor is Kenneth Branagh Western Fardelshufflesteinian nobility.
b. Kenneth Branagh is also not the Lieutenant Mayor of New Hamletberg.
c. The aforementioned rules also apply to Mel Gibson and David Tennant.

26. "SPACE WAR! SPACE WAR!" We apologize for this inappropriate interruption. The King is no longer allowed to release official statements unattended.

27. The King cannot criticize other leaders for their drinking habits. He also cannot drink alcohol with said leaders.
a. The King cannot drink alcohol around other political figures.

28. Amadeus Freidrich and Alastair Laertes Amadeus Ludwig Kehrer IV are not allowed to meet unless accompanied by a responsible adult
(the Queen does not count as a responsible adult)
(Neither does Adolph Hesse)
(You know what, let's not let them be together period)
Credit: Free Ravensburg


Alastair is NEVER allowed to manipulate the list of things he can or cannot do, let alone touch a physical copy of said list
Credit for the part that was not hijacked by Alastair: Greater Victora

30. The King cannot werf flammen in another nation's "general direction."

31. Alastair cannot have or even think of having Selenan Wine, last time this happened, Santa Selena almost declared war.
Credit: Santa Selena

32. Alastair IV the Beloved should NEVER be allowed near Parliament as he might, in a drunken rage, attempt a Linkself-coup, dissolve it, and seize all power for himself.

33. He should NEVER be allowed as well to access any specialized computers with access to the Multiverse, as he might either anger Slavic leaders with profanely-named space stations or unknowingly declare war on nations ranging from city-states with secret weapons to peace-loving multiversal empires.
Credit for 32 and 33: Southern tzhelarhaai

34. Alastair is no longer allowed to officially change the title of Western Fardelshufflestein. We are a constitutional monarchy, not a..."Not Kenneth Branagh" or whatever that means.

35. The King shall not given any cup of carbonated beverage, as it would make him intoxicated.
Credit: Free republic of hong kong

36. The King is not allowed to come in close contact with Queen Dolly, for he is severely allergic to cats.
Credit: Dollystana

37. Alastair cannot watch Pokemon XY except when he is on Ukrainian soil.
Credit: Satosere

38. He is not allowed to purchase fermensa from Free Ravensburg, Republic of Canada, nor Vulpec.
a. Especially if it was made by Amadeus Freidrich
Credit: Free Ravensburg

39. On this day, 69 days since the official publication of this list, it has now been established that the King and @Kotera are never allowed to meet lest they end up both drunk and high.