Vice President Jack Riley sworn in as 'caretaker president' for final 15 days of Faisano's term
May 22, 2020
PARADISE CITY, Omigodtheykilledkenny --- President Sammy Faisano, who for nearly eight years presided over an unprecedented national economic boom, "bold" (if not alarming and erratic) foreign-policy initiatives like invading the planet Mars and stealing the Death Star, a national response (criticized as "lackluster") to a viral pandemic outbreak that has claimed over a quarter-million lives, and who was also alleged to have committed federal-government resources to spying on his ex-fiancee, died in a freeway collision early Friday morning. He was a dangerous stalker-- er, 38. He was 38.
As television networks began their feverish, nonstop coverage of the carnage on westbound Thorland State Highway 163, just outside the nation's capital, a federal judge was summoned to Frowning Street where, while silently saying a prayer for the soul of every sapient living being in the NS world, she swore in Jack Riley as the 32nd president of Omigodtheykilledkenny. With 15 days remaining before President-elect Jenny Chiang is sworn in as chief executive, Riley's tenure will be mercifully short.
What was initially reported as a "traffic accident" by the press was eventually ruled a homicide by KBI investigators, after they determined that the driver of the second vehicle, regional diplomat Lenny Beteta, intentionally struck a silver Lexus driven by his wife, former Vice President Antigone Morgan, with her friend Faisano in the front passenger seat. Morgan's vehicle collided with the freeway center divider and was thrown in the air, flying 30 feet before landing on its passenger side and rolling over on the roof. Beteta fled the scene, but was captured 15 minutes later by Secret Service. Morgan escaped miraculously with only minor cuts and bruises, while Faisano, badly injured, was rushed to Del Sagrado Corazon de Jesus hospital in west Paradise City, where he was immediately pronounced dead.
Meanwhile, the Secret Service is promising an internal review to determine how Faisano was able to duck his protective detail without detection before meeting with Morgan that night. Morgan eventually called the Secret Service from her car when she recognized her husband in the vehicle behind them; officers arrived three minutes too late. Beteta and Morgan separated two months ago after a series of domestic incidents were reported at their home.
Later Friday morning, Riley emerged from his President's Office swearing-in to give a press briefing, where he issued an almost-defiant declaration that he was "absolutely 100% in control" at Frowning Street. Suddenly, the entire press corps ran screaming from the room. Riley returned to the bullpen, to find that the vast majority of Frowning Street staffers had fled in terror as well. Productivity in the nation's capital ground to a halt as workers all across the city abandoned their posts to seek shelter.
It wasn't until President-elect Chiang paid an unscheduled visit to Frowning Street that calm could be restored. Riley emerged again on the nation's TV screens, this time from the President's Office, flanked by stern-faced Stripper Commandos, his tone markedly different. Now he was promising "collaborative, team-based efforts" to confront the current national crisis, and to seek input "from a number of diverse voices" in his decision-making process. Also, that what the nation's viewers were watching was definitely not a hostage video, and that he was appearing on camera "completely of my own volition."
But then, Riley's wandering dictatorial eye lighted on a small electronic box on Faisano's desk, equipped with a red button. Cackling madly, Riley seized the box and declared, "See you in hell, stripper-skanks!"...and pressed the button.
Moments later, an aid entered the office with a bottle of Diet Blast! "Will there be anything else, sir?" she asked.
"Uhh, no. This is good, I guess," Riley replied sullenly.
Later on, "Riley" issued an order canceling that day's Antarctic Oasis Day festivities.
Oh, right. Sammy. Ugh...now I have to do his biography again. Faisano got his name from Frank and Shelley Faisano, the Summit City couple who adopted him through the Our Lady of Perpetual Belligerence Group Home for Rejects Nobody Wants in their hometown. Because the president was an orphan, his origins have always been a mystery, though writers and public figures have tried their best to fill in the gaps over the years, with a series of romantic backstories. Perhaps the most popular theory holds that Faisano was rescued as an infant by missionary nuns, who spirited him out of a Gelzien refugee camp and on to Omigodtheykilledkenny for a better life. Since then, however, Faisano's reputed Gelzien origins have been called into question, as they seem to have originated from a rumor started by Gruenberger ambassador to Omigodtheykilledkenny, Moltan Bausch, who was trying to discredit Faisano within the Gruenberger government. At the time, Bausch considered Faisano a rival for Antigone Morgan's affections (yeah, we're coming to that).
In 2012 casino mogul Ronnie Drump introduced his own bizarre theory into the mix, wherein Faisano was actually born in Yelda, in the Pleiades system, technically making him an illegal space alien, and thus ineligible for the office of president. Faisano did release his long-form birth certificate, showing he was born in Summit City, but by then Justin Bieber had gotten a new tattoo, or something, and everybody had lost interest.
Lt. Faisano became a household name upon his return from the Kennyite-Kawaiian conflict in early 2006. He was heralded a hero and given a medal for bravery, and the government, wanting to leech off his sudden popularity, enlisted him as ambassador to the United Nations, so that everyone, hopefully, would conveniently forget that the Kennyites ever had a UN ambassador by the name Jack Riley...you know, the dude who had thoroughly embarrassed the State Department with constant scandals involving callgirls and craziness and catnappings (that last one started a cold war with Ardchoille, which was fun). Kennyite tabloids, however, zeroed in on the young diplomat's friendship with his former boss Antigone Morgan, because everybody knows that a guy and a girl can never be "just friends"...am I right?
What started with a few innocent photos of Faisano and Morgan at restaurants and shops, and then dancing together at the Strangers' Bar, turned into a national controversy, with congressional hearings, sworn depositions for a class-action lawsuit, and a special counsel investigation concluding in 2013 that even though there was no evidence of a romantic affair, we still think there was one, neener-neener, and accused both Faisano and Morgan of lying under oath. But Congress refused to consider impeachment, and federal prosecutors declined to file formal charges. And that was that. *brushes off hands*
Except it wasn't. Because in 2014 that idiot Faisano just had to call yet another press conference to denounce his former fiancee Avaya Thibaudet and some cockamamie claim she made in her bestselling 2010 Faisano expose "I (Almost) Married a Dud." This time it was about how he was supposedly "selfish and disturbingly freakish" in bed, and this time he had Antigone Morgan on hand, seeking an endorsement for regional delegate, and feeling oddly compelled to include in her remarks a stunning admission that she had, in fact, "fooled around" with Faisano in the past, and that everything Thibaudet said about him was false. "He may have been a little freakish but not the least bit selfish," she said, adding, "No, really. I'm not just doing this because the moron standing next to me wants to get back at his stupid ex," and "the thought of our...naked bodies..." (at this point, Morgan appeared to be fighting back a look of utter disgust) "...pressed together...doesn't creep me out at all, actually!" She let out a burst of nervous laughter, before finally turning to Faisano. "Happy now?" she asked, annoyedly.
He was. "I heartily endorse Antigone Morgan for delegate," he said.
And now we have the whole Avaya thing, which is an entire extended melodrama all to itself, so it's probably best left to a separate article. But there are a few things about her worth noting here:
In 2014, when Chiang nabbed the Death Star, email exchanges with other national security officials revealed that Faisano had signed off on the raid because "that bonehead actually seems to think it might impress Avaya," and
Around the same time, Faisano, in another ploy for Avaya's attention, granted Ardchoillean ambassador to Omigodtheykilledkenny (and Thibaudet's cousin) Thierry La Fronde asylum in the Federal Republic after La Fronde's role in leaking classified Ardchoillean documents, and
Faisano really, really, really wasn't trying to burn Thibaudet's house down the time he was caught by WAHQ Necessary Security sneaking around her home with a lighter: "I was just going to take care of a wasp's nest in her backyard she keeps complaining about." "Mr. Vice President, burning a wasp's nest is actually very dangerous." "I just thought that she'd be grateful enough to want to do it with me!" "But you actually could have burned her house down!" "Oh for God's sake, we all know about witches and fire! She'd be stupid not to have her house fireproofed, actually." "Yes, Mr. Vice President, SHE's the stupid one."
For his part, Faisano tweeted out that he had "absolutely no interest in any of Fernanda's leftovers."
Not only that, there were misconduct allegations too. In 2011, Aundotutunagirian ambassador Gen. Hiriaurtung Arororugul endorsed a claim by a fellow diplomat from his country that sometime in 2008 Faisano tried to sexually assault her when he took her out to dinner one night, ostensibly to discuss job opportunities. She described Faisano plying her with drinks, a fancy dinner, and an upgraded luxury-hotel suite, before parking on the side of the road to reach inside her skirt. She said she rejected his advances, so he stopped and drove her home.
The State Department replied: "At the time of the alleged incident, Mr. Faisano was 26 years old, and certainly could not afford such expensive tastes. Not with what we were paying him. The fanciest dinner he'd ever taken a girl on at the time was the night he proposed to his girlfriend. In a bar. He may have splurged on that $65 bottle of champagne, but it was a big night for him."
Additionally, in 2014 Faisano was accused of publicly sexually harassing Gruenberg's Sultana Jianna I, when she unexpectedly broke off all formal diplomatic ties between their two countries. The president responded by suggesting the two of them get together, and "she can do to me what paparazzi supposedly caught her doing once to Benny Enchante on a secluded beach. That's right, Princess, suck my--" (Seriously why wasn't this guy in jail?)
Faisano admitted years before to having had an "unrequited" crush on Jianna, back when the two of them served at the UN together.
Lenny Beteta, who as previously stated is suspected of murdering Faisano, was taken into custody by federal marshals Friday morning, and is expected to be charged with the premeditated murder of a federal official and the attempted murder of a former federal official, among other charges. He issued a statement through his attorneys claiming his innocence. That is, before "one of his attorneys" arrived at the federal courthouse to meet with him, and after "energetic" discussions (much screaming and wailing could be heard from inside their secure room), he came out before the cameras and admitted to everything. Also, that what viewers were watching at home was definitely not a hostage situation, and he was appearing "completely of my own volition." Through it all, his attorney stood by calmly, wearing a leather corset and pants, and looking suspiciously enough like Capt. Jenny Chiang.