Our top story: Acting President Rodney Gyrod has just finished a speech honoring everyone who was killed last week in the Lansaka National Seashore shooting, whose death toll is estimated to be at least 73. Watch it now on the Channel 966 Lansaka National News Network on your television.
The funeral for Gregory Husef's pet Cottonmouth Coral Copperhead Rattlesnake was just completed four hours ago, after millions of citizens demanded an encore. This type of encore request has not happened since the funeral of freedom fighter Abra Hamlin Coln back in 1865.
In other news, Nomor Muhan, one of Husef's killers, was just executed by lethal injection seconds ago. You can watch it on our TV news network on channel 996. Seconds before she died, she declared that Kura Orangojuta, the sniper who shot Husef in the nose, was a "rotten buttface." Her words, not ours.
Speaking of which, Orangojuta's body was just cremated today after her death in last week's freak accident involving a kitchen explosion.
The escapees from the explosion have mostly been caught, with the only ones still at large being Link Horgo, who shot 107 Cottonmouth Coral Copperhead Rattlesnakes and 13 Husef Bears and Justin Jarojogalan, who had planned the assassinations of Jake Gyrod and Jonathan Duron.
After the break: why your next trip to the salad bar may be your last.