Panda For MoFA (June 2020)

Panda For MoFA

Pictured: Panda asserts his dominance

Greetings, inferior creatures. Your panda overlord has returned to transform TSP into the greatest region that Max Barry has ever laid his bald eyeballs on. And I will do so by launching a WRECKING BALL at all the years of hard work our previous MoFAs have done to bring us to our current diplomatic position.

Let’s Face It, Alliances Are Lame
A succession of deluded and small-minded Ministers have entranced TSP with the view that more alliances = yay good things. I, however, will lift the wool from the eyes of this great region, and allow us to unleash our true potential. Let’s have a run down of our alliances to see what benefits they (don’t) bring to TSP.
TNP - Like the manatee of NS, they are so suffocated by the blubber of their bureaucracy that they can’t actually provide anything useful.
TEP - A hyperactive child running riot in their grandparents' house. What they lack in dignity, they also lack in competence, power, and outright usefulness.
TRR - Just a bunch of spammers and trolls that everyone else didn’t like. The Australia of NS.
Others - The fact that I can’t name any more shows how useless they are to us.
As such, upon my inevitable election victory, I will immediately and unilaterally end all alliances.

War with the NPO
Fool us once, shame on you. Fool us twice, shame on us. The NPO has proven in many multiple repeated incidents that they are inherently evil and not to be trusted. As such, I believe it is our duty as a righteous and peace-loving region to invade and destroy them. Some may doubt our ability to do this, but they are just NPO plants trying to prevent TSP from realising its limitless ability. Behold, statistics:

Pictured: Bigger Army Diplomacy

As you can see, we can use our vastly superior numbers to invade the Pacific, exert our will over its people, and still leave our Delegate with well over 400 endorsements back home. This is a war we can’t lose. Anybody who disagrees is a TSP-hating NPO plant.

Coup Balder
Now you might be wondering what the difference is between our war with the NPO, and our coup of Balder. The answer is how the enemy behaves. The NPO is like a Chihuahua: feisty and aggressive, but ultimately just a glorified rat that cannot cause harm. Balder is like a sloth: you have to check for a pulse every couple of weeks and regularly don’t find one. We will knock the sloth from its perch, skin it, and then sell its useful body parts on the black market. We will then have a nice little TSP colony to go along with our newly acquired Pacific.

I see no reason why these two campaigns cannot be carried out at the same time.

Abolish Gameside Embassies
Name one benefit of gameside embassies. That’s right, you can’t. “Oh but what about disadvantaged nations from inferior regions being able to post on out RMB?” whinge the permanently-offended snowflakes who infest our region.

There is absolutely no reason why we would want nations from other regions posting on our pristine and high quality RMB. Other regions lack the discipline and intellect of TSP, and therefore keep sending us dirty spammers who post asinine messages. I would abolish every embassy and make our RMB lovely and clean again.

No More Defending
There is one reason why regions get raided: because they are WEAK! We should not panda (heh…) to weak and ineffective regions who have as much control over their borders as I do over my brain after 20 tequilas. I would immediately cease any Defender policy, and force the SPSF to focus on the military campaigns I have listed above. “But what about the Minister of Mil-“ I have both the candidates locked in my basement; they won’t cause me any problems.

No More Ambassadors
We will have no alliances anyway, but I would end all ambassador positions, as they are a drain on resources which should be used for the CULTURAL EXPANSION OF THE SOUTH PACIFIC. All ambassadors would be given the choice of moving to regional affairs or participating in our military offences.

My Lame Opponents
I know that the Snowflakes think that criticising your opponents is not courteous, but I believe that any strong Minister would assert their dominance even at this early stage.

Jay (Qvait) is basically just a roleplayer, so while hostile military forces gather around us, he’ll just be playing with toy soldiers in his bedroom. “Boom! I just launched nooks at U!” Says Jay, holding an Action Man figure in his hand. Meanwhile Qaz (Qaweritoyu) has the charisma and energy of a half-eaten box of Shredded Wheat.

In Conclusion
My campaign is a bold attempt to undo the damage and lies of successive governments. Unlike the other candidates, you can always count on me to be strong, fluffy, and handsome. The TSP-hating establishment elites will attempt to discredit me with their lies, falsehoods, and slander, but be assured that my hands (or paws) are the safest for TSP’s diplomatic future.