by Max Barry

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by The Local Councillor of Melicorium. . 85 reads.

(NON-CANON) The Great Durian War

Great Durian War


Date: April 26 - 27, 2020 (1 day)

Location: Gulf of Mexico; Cypress, Melicorium; New Hamletburg, Western Fardelshuffelstein

Result: Alliance victory


Western Fardelshufflestein

    Flammenwerfer Regiment

Cohuila Y Tejas
Intergalactic Cyborgtopia
Western Fardelshufflestein

    King's Guard

Commanders and Leaders

Western Fardelshufflestein: (Minister of Defense)

Melicorium: Chairman Stan Melix
Cohuila y Tejas: Prime Minister Isak Czi
Intergalactic Cyborgtopia: (Leader)
Western Fardelshufflestein: King Alastair


The Great Durian War, also called the Flamethrower Uprising in Western Fardelshufflestein, lasted April 26 - April 27, 2020. It all started when the Minister of Defense of Western Fardelshufflestein and Chairman Stan Melix of Melicorium started playing roughly with some extremely dangerous, German-based weapons.

On one side were the majority of Fardelshufflestinian forces, on the side of the deranged Minister of Defense, who was holding the nation's King and Queen hostage. On the other side was Melicorium, Cohuila Y Tejas, Intergalactic Cyborgtopia, and the minority of Fardelshufflestinian forces against the Minister and attempting to liberate the monarchs.

Western Fardelshufflestein wrote:*Werfs flammen*

Melicorium wrote:*Releases durian gas*

Western Fardelshufflestein wrote:The durian gas was werfed, but it could not out-werf the flammenwerfer.

Melicorium wrote:*Werfs durian gas in your face*

Western Fardelshufflestein wrote:*Wipes durian gas from eyes*
*Summons the Flammenwerfer Regiment*
On my count! 3...2...1...WERF THE FLAMMEN!!!!!!

Melicorium wrote:*Summons The Woodlands Long-ranged Battalion of the 1st Infantry Regiment; Cypress*
Take positions!
*Soldiers shoulder SR-63s and SR-99s sniper rifles*

Western Fardelshufflestein wrote:*Summons the Sniper Regiment, Infantry Regiments 45-48, Tank Regiments 1-7, and The Holy Hand Grenade-Werfer Special Task Force*


Melicorium wrote:*Summons 3rd Air Wing; Atlantic Coast*
*Brings in AA-72 Killdeer ground attack aircraft*
*Starts gunning down and bombing enemy forces charging at Woodlands Battalion*
And if you're gonna get out anti-aircraft stuff...
*Brings in T-72/2 MBTs, BM-21 Grads, and some ballistic missile trucks*

You know what? Let's take this to Psomewhere.

Cohuila Y Tejas wrote:what is happening?

Melicorium wrote:He thinks that flamethrowers are better than my clearly superior durian poison gas.

Cohuila Y Tejas wrote:here, take the foreign legion. they're a hardcore unit of 30k that will escape behind enemy lines and destroy logistics. they operate alone.

Western Fardelshufflestein wrote:So my nation's parliament has dissolved into a free-for-all fistfight.

Western Fardelshufflestein wrote:*Summons 1/4 of Navy, 1/3 of Air Force, 1/2 of Marines, and 1/5 of Army*
*Attacks Melicorium, destroying one of their naval aircraft carriers*
*Reinforces anti-aircraft defense measures*
*Tampers with Melicorium's radar systems*

The Minister of Defense approaches TSP.
Of course we have licenses for this. We are a sovereign nation, and have been since 1621.

Western Fardelshufflestein wrote:Uh, well, the royals are being held hostage under the direction of the rogue defense minister, who is using the military to attack Melicorium. Right now, they're attacking the capital city and are (presumably) losing.

Also, all of our anti-aircraft systems have been destroyed or disabled.

Western Fardelshufflestein wrote:Half the parliament supports the rogue minister, and the other half doesn't...hence the very chaotic brawl going on right now.

Melicorium wrote:*Launches 20 ballistic missiles from missile carries and submarines at anti-aircraft positions*
*Brings in attack submarines and starts attacking your navy*
*Brings in more AA-72 Killdeer ground attack aircraft, weakening your Army and Marines*
*Brings in SB-67 Cowbird bombers for long-ranged air support*

Western Fardelshufflestein wrote:*Launches more waves of fighter pilots*
*Sends Army reinforcements*
*Sends bombers to destroy Melicorium's power plants and electric lines*

The rogue Defense Minister, who is at the helm of the Western Fardelshufflesteinian assault, clears his throat.

Now seems like the ideal time to mention that our bullets are infused with locally sourced uranium shells.

Western Fardelshufflestein wrote:Fortunately, only 80% of our anti-aircraft system has been destroyed.

Melicorium wrote:No! 50% of my petroleum plants and electric generators are destroyed!
*Brings in AC-49 anti-aircraft guns, starts shooting fighters and bombers down*
*Sends in Army Special Forces, my specially-trained infantry, in armored personnel carriers, to fight enemy infantry*
*Sends in H-122 and H-155 howitzers to destroy enemy armored forces*
*Brings in Su-27 fighters to combat enemy aircraft*
Now it will be 100%.
*Launches ballistic missiles at remaining enemy anti-aircraft system*

Western Fardelshufflestein wrote:*Redirects surviving forces to Melicorium's capital city, which they invade*
Our anti-aircraft systems are not fully dest--

Western Fardelshufflestein wrote:*Last anti-aircraft station gets destroyed*
Oh, fudge.

Melicorium wrote:You are met with heavy resistance from stationed Infantry and Cavalry forces, and the civilians of Cypress, alike. The invaders are also airstriked by SB-67 long distance strategic bombers.

Western Fardelshufflestein wrote:Basically, Western Fardelshufflestein has erupted into chaos.

Melicorium wrote:In the meanwhile, the National Army Special Forces are backing the anti-Minister militants, and is seeking to assassinate the Fardshufflestinian Minister of Defense.

Intergalactic Cyborgtopia wrote:Oh no
I'm sorry for that. If they wish, royalty will be granted asylum, and they will be very well received at Intergalactic Cyborgtopia

Western Fardelshufflestein wrote:That would be amazing!!! If we could only...not be held captive...AAAGH!eiufh2rbgu2erhiu2efouhrguiohe2rg

I'm fine. Just go smacked on the head with a flammenwerfer (it wasn't werfing any flammen, thankfully).

The portion of our military not fighting Melicorium is trying to take over our city. People are fighting in the streets. Much chaos.

Intergalactic Cyborgtopia wrote:I have already warned the Minister of Foreign Affairs and Defense. As soon as possible, if the royalty wishes, you can come as soon as possible.

Cohuila Y Tejas wrote:Longhorn tanks roll onto the streets. Local police and tejano soldiers jump off the back to stop the riots.
At the palace, team 3 makes preparations to strike.

Western Fardelshufflestein wrote:We're sneaking out now disguised as civilians. Look for the thicc legend in a gray hoodie.

Cohuila Y Tejas wrote:A lieutenant rushes out to escort them.
Team 3 memorizes the position of all the men, then strikes. They throw down smoke grenades and rush out of their positions, shooting to the places the remember where the men are. When the smoke clears, they see they have carried out the mission successfully.

Intergalactic Cyborgtopia wrote:Well, the way I and much of the world does to resolve conflicts is to talk, and when that is not possible, try to defend yourself. This is called diplomacy and pacifism. We don't use the tactic of threatening to kill and put someone's head on a stake and show it to friends and family, this is a war crime. You can ask anyone, in any language.

Melicorium wrote:A squad of Army Special Forces from the 23rd Regiment; Eastern Colorado has found the Fardshuffelstinian Minister of Defense taking the King and Queen hostage. The Minister yanks the sovereigns in front of him as a meat shield, in the meanwhile, the Special Forces are trying to find a way to kill him.

Cohuila Y Tejas wrote:Team 3 rushes out onto the field.
Lieutenant: team 3! Get the royals to safety.
He turns around to see a man swinging a bat at him. He ducks and swings his rifle.

Western Fardelshufflestein wrote:*internal screaming*

President george washington wrote:*Attacks you*

Western Fardelshufflestein wrote:King: *collapses to the ground from exhaustion, terror, and getting attacked by George Washington*

Queen: *panics in Fardelshufflesteinian*

Cohuila Y Tejas wrote:Lieutenant: youíre safe now, letís get you out of here. Thereís a tent outside of the city with supplies.
Jeep pulls up

Melicorium wrote:23rd Special Forces Regiment commander: The coast is clear! Fire at the target!
*All men present aim their rifles and submachine guns at the Minister and start firing with accuracy and precision*

Western Fardelshufflestein wrote:King: *is bleeding from head wound. Nothing fatal, fortunately, but he is almost certainly concussed.*

Cohuila Y Tejas wrote:Lieutenant: cmon sir, get in the Jeep. We gotta get your head bandaged.

Western Fardelshufflestein wrote:Uuuuuuuh..... *blinks in confusion*

Western Fardelshufflestein wrote:Queen (to children): It's going to be okay. We're safe now. We're safe.

King: *is still passed out*

Cohuila Y Tejas wrote:Lieutenant: Driver, get the queen out of here. Maíam, please get in the Jeep. I will escort your husband.
He guides the king away

Cohuila y tejas expedition wrote:The lieutenant arrives at the tent, where 3 nurses carry the king off to the medical tent.
The P6s and 7s of the fighter groups attack hard.

Melicorium wrote:National Navy destroyers shell invading forces off the coast of Cypress, and Cohuila y Tejas' Autonomous Houston. Auxiliary ships land on the shores, bringing in the Naval Infantry to strike the enemies from behind.

Cohuila y tejas expedition wrote:Tejano Navy destroyers arrive and start bombarding troop movements.

Western Fardelshufflestein wrote:King: *stumbles deliriously* Why...why is there red.... *passes out*

Queen: *Escorts their three children into the second Jeep*

Cohuila Y Tejas wrote:Lieutenant: oh sh..
Catches the king, gives rifle to driver, puts king in firemanís carry, runs off.

Western Fardelshufflestein wrote:We've finally subdued our Parliament, but people are still going crazy in the streets of our capital city.

Western Fardelshufflestein wrote:Update for everyone who involved in the recent conflict: Sources say that the King of Western Fardelshufflestein is hospitalized in an undisclosed location. He has a severe concussion, but is expected to make a full recovery over the next several weeks.

White horse land wrote:What recent conflict?

Western Fardelshufflestein wrote:Our king got flammenwerfer happy, triggering the Melicorium leader enough that durian gas was werfed right back. Then, our country's defense minister took matters into his own hands tried to wage a war on Melicorium.

Western Fardelshufflestein wrote:And our defense minister used the military to hold our Royal family hostage until forces from Melicorium and Cohuila Y Tejas intervened. Intergalactic Cyborgtopia got the royals to safety.

White horse land wrote:holy cow this is what I get for being inoculation with out telling

Western Fardelshufflestein wrote:Our Parliament also had a huge brawl that we only managed to break up a couple hours ago. And people are having a free-for-all battle royale in our capital city.

White horse land wrote:ok

Melicorium wrote:My name is Chairman Stan Melix!

(I just haven't unlocked the Leader customizable field yet.)
And don't forget that forces under the defense minister destroyed 50% of Melicorium's power plants and oil refineries, and unsuccessfully invaded my capital Cypress.

Western Fardelshufflestein wrote:We are greatly indebted to you, Chairman Stan Melix.

Yeah...sorry about that....
But all of our anti-aircraft systems are down (mostly straight-up annihilated), so we've got that going for us, which is nice.

Western Fardelshufflestein wrote:How is Cypress, by the way? What damages has it sustained?

Melicorium wrote:5,000 (equal to a whole regiment) Infantrymen were injured, along with 750 deaths.
300 Cavalry vehicles were destroyed.
40,000 civilians were injured, along with 5,000 deaths.
2 destroyers, 3 auxiliary ships, and 1 patrol boat were damaged, and 1 destroyer and 1 patrol boat were sunk.

But don't worry, the entire Melicorium Ministry of Warfare is much bigger.

This is a census of the United Socialist Armed Forces, recorded on (DATE).
Executive Order 420, signed by Chairman Justin Russo in 1957, mandates that each branch of the Armed Forces must have a reserve and conscript force numbering 40% of its active force.


Read dispatch

Western Fardelshufflestein wrote:We're still tallying our total casualties and fatalities....

Melicorium wrote:Also, the Cypressian infrastructure has sustained $50,000,000 dollars Strunk in damage.

Western Fardelshufflestein wrote:Our military is...on the struggle bus, to say the least. And our capital city, New Hamletberg, is a war zone in and of itself. The press are dubbing this the Flammenwerfer Uprising, or the Flammenwerfer War.

Melicorium wrote:Melicorian media is starting to refer to the recent conflict as the Great Durian War.

Western Fardelshufflestein wrote:Our King is deliriously muttering "Flammen" to himself. He also got angry when one of the nurses tried to give him durian SPIT.

Melicorium wrote:Why do you even have Durian SPIT? Or if you're talking about me, I don't have it either.