by Max Barry

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by The Holy Empire of The united american-isreali empire. . 2 reads.

No Sacrifice, No Sacrifice at All

The Issue
After a recent exposé of controversial religious rituals practised by some immigrants from distant, less well-developed countries, the nation’s premier conservative think tank, The Coffee Cabal, has called on the government to regulate these religions and their worship.

The Debate
“These acts are an attack on The united american-isreali empire’s moral fiber!” stresses Moana Romero, the investigative reporter responsible for the exposé. “There are just some things that freedom of religion shouldn’t cover, and that includes ritual sacrifice, the harming of children or animals, or hell, even really bad choral singing. The government must enact restrictions on religious practices that offend public decency.”


“Dancing blindfolded around cucumbers while carrying wailing children on our heads is a custom that dates back millennia in our culture,” explains Tyrion Fight, a High Priest of one of the under-fire religions. “The freedom to practice our religion played a large part in our relocation to The united american-isreali empire. The government must preserve our right to our culture and religion, even if the majority of people find them disturbing. Haven’t you heard of tyranny by the majority? A religious exemption should be made for all the laws of The united american-isreali empire to ensure our freedom.”


“This is a dangerous discussion,” writes Leia Fitzgerald in her popular online journal, ‘Religious Watchblog’. “If we allow a religious exemption to any law, offences like religiously motivated terrorism would be permitted. It’s insane. I could live with allowing religious schools to decide whether or not to teach evolution, but allowing people of faith to exist outside the law is ludicrous. The government should create a ministry that considers whether or not religious practices are compatible with the nation’s ethos.”


“Once again, only I have the guts to call a problem by its real name,” says right-wing radio host Ginny McBoatface. “Everyone else is too afraid to point out the real problem here, and it’s very simple; these immigrants and their brutish religions are antithetical to the basic, founding principles of The united american-isreali empire. They don’t belong here, pure and simple. From now on, people who don’t belong to Christianity should not be allowed in this country.”


“The real problem isn’t immigration, it’s religion,” announces prominent far-left politician Leroy Song. “Yes, the practices outlined in those articles are horrifying, but they’re no more horrifying than the religious practices the people of The united american-isreali empire have been undertaking since time immemorial. It’s time we recognized that, as a forward-thinking people, we can no longer afford to allow the practice of any religion.”


Citizens polled. Media probed. Headlines gathered.

The Talking Point
Citizens are required to report any and all incidents of prayer to their local Religious Affairs Officer.

The united american-isreali empire's Civil Rights fell from Average to Below Average.