by Max Barry

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by The Holy Empire of The united american-isreali empire. . 1 reads.

Cheerleading Community Does the Splits

The Issue
When East New Havana And Los Santos And New Vegas High School denied a male student’s request to join their cheerleading squad, they thought that was the end of it. Since then, the story has been picked up by the national media, with the boy, the cheerleading coach, and a spokesperson from Equality The United American-isreali Empire giving interviews about the controversy. Now, a gaggle of highly-opinionated and very-spirited individuals have entered your office, demanding your attention.

The Debate
“Give me an ‘E’! Give me a ‘Q’! Give me a ‘U’-‘A’-‘L’! Give me an ‘I’, and a ‘T’, and a great big ‘Y’! What’s it spell? EQUALITY!” cries Emile Doolittle, doing an impressive backflip routine in his plaid skirt. “Every boy deserves an equal chance to live out their dreams, whether that dream is to cheer a mediocre football team, or be on a mediocre football team! You must force every school to allow any individual to join any team they want, regardless of sex! Why not? Girls are just as strong as boys, and we boys can be darn cute in these skirts!” Cheering your name, he cartwheels out the door.


“Cheerleading is for girls, and only for girls,” asserts middle-aged former cheerleader and parent, Tanya Levi, as she attempts to perform a forward roll, but gets stuck underneath your desk. “Let the boys do wholesome boy sports, like football and boxing, away from our precious daughters! You know what teen boys are like: primitive hormone factories, only after one thing! Besides, with rates of sexual abuse on campuses already so high, you must prevent boys and girls having any contact in sport.” She ceases her attempts to extricate herself from beneath the desk, gasping for air.


“You’re both idiots!” thunders Karl Schultz, his neck muscles straining against the collar of his camouflage shirt. “Cheerleading is stupid. It’s not even a real sport! The funds wasted on girls prancing about could be used on REAL sports, that help REAL men to become strong and powerful! Taught by manly coaches, like me. Abolish this waste of money immediately, and pour the cash into useful, manly sports!” He punts one of your priceless vases into your equally priceless chandelier.


Citizens polled. Media probed. Headlines gathered.

The Talking Point
A suspicious number of male students have joined the Ladies' Wrestling League.