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by The Holy Frozen Purple Empire of Glacikaldr. . 92 reads.

Unicorn Jousting - Rejectmas Festival 2019

As a part of LinkRejectmas Festival 2019, we ran a Unicorn Jousting tournament with poll-run playoffs! Congratulations to The Church of Satan whose sponsees came out on top, securing the title of UNICORN JOUSTER of 2019!


  1. (Eliminated in the Quarterfinals) The pharcyde's Unicorn Boris Nikolayevich Kuznetsov (Russian: Борис Николаевич Кузнецов) and Joust The Dark Knight:

    Boris Kuznetsov

    by The pharcyde


    Boris Nikolayevich Kuznetsov (Russian: Борис Николаевич Кузнецов; born 18 Aug 2018) is a unicorn participating in Rejectmas 2019's Unicorn Jousting Competition. Born to two Kakhovka Hydroelectric Power Plant employees, Boris showed prodigious talent in math and science at two-weeks old. Several days after his first birthday, he was improbably offered a management role at the struggling Tevlet Glue Factory, which had just failed to meet its production quotas for a fourth straight quarter. Boris' leadership at the factory resulted in a stunning production turnaround.

    The factory narrowly avoided a much-feared reorganization thanks to Boris' stewardship. What drove Tevlet's turnaround is a mystery to everyone but Boris. At the end of the factory's miracle quarter, he was caught sipping a vodka flask near an incinerator. Supervisors immediately relieved Boris of managerial responsibilities and voided his contract. Afterwards, Boris briefly worked at a small shop specializing in sealants. His entry-level salary and mounting gambling debt caused him to enroll for Rejectmas 2019's Unicorn Jousting competition. "If I win, I'll have a reason to drink," Boris opined, "but if I lose, I'll have an even better reason to drink. It's a win-win. And if it's a win-win, I should drink twice as much."

    Members of Boris' immediate and extended family mysteriously disappeared during the week beginning October 13, 2019.

    Read dispatch

  2. (UNICORN JOUSTER of 2019) The Church of Satan's Unicorn Rudolphon the Reindragon and Joust Duke Christmas Goodknight:

    Rudolphon the Reindragon

    Officially sponsored by Magus L, the ruler of The Church of Satan, Rudolphon lays siege to any challenge that stands before it. Nothing guides Santa's sleigh (or breathes pure Christmas cheer from its mouth) better than him. You're probably thinking he isn't even a unicorn. Dismiss those clearly incorrect thoughts though. Rudolphon is a proud, albeit unique unicorn. His strength, speed, ferocity and maneuverability make him a difficult opponent despite this being his first participation in the tournament. We expect Rudolphon to be the undisputed, universal jousting champion for all time. At the very least an eternal participant due to being sustained by Christmas cheer.

    With Duke Christmas Goodknight and Rudolphon riding steed (as it were) into battle, they are a stocking stuffed with victory!

    Career Record:

    Rejectmas Festival Unicorn Jousting Tournament 2019 Champion

    Wins: 3
    Losses: 0

    Read factbook

  3. (Eliminated in the Semifinals) Dead I Jack's Unicorn The Silver Steed and Joust "Deadeye" Jack:

    The Silver Steed

    This majestic unicorn is none other than The Silver Steed, famed, former companion of Rejectmas' death-like spirit: The Silver Ghost. One day while the two were out doing their regular ritual of hauling off senior citizens to retirement communities, one group of rambunctious kids who wouldn't let their grandfather be taken, set up a trap and ambushed the duo. Their grandfather, safely hid away, the kids were able to separate the Ghost and its steed. While The Silver Ghost was able to escape the kids, however, The Silver Steed was captured. Not without a fight, though. One unfortunate, handsome, and extremely intelligent boy named Jack had his eye poked out by The Silver Steed's horn - thus earning him the moniker "Deadeye". Over the years though, the boy looked after the unicorn and tamed him for his own use. A strong bond forged, the two became nigh unstoppable in the lists.

    Unicorn Stats

    Jousting Record - 20-1-1
    Horn Reach - 5 feet
    Top speed - 60 Miles per Hour
    Date of Birth - December 26th, Year 1

    Read factbook

  4. (Advanced to the Final) A Leaf on the Wind's Unicorn Candy Carpetburn AKA "The Rib Cruncher" with no joust (declared self-ridden 'free spirit'):

    Candy Carpetburn AKA "The Rib Cruncher!"

    Role: Independent

    Primary position: Stabber, offensive.

    Jousting Experience: First season, but don't let that full you. Candy came to play, and play hard.

    Favorite Quote: "Becoming fearless isn't the point. That's impossible. It's learning how to control your fear, and how to be free from it."

    - Four, Divergent

    Name Origin: By first appearances, Candy seems sugar-y sweet. But get to close, she will stab you through the ribs, no questions asked.

    Sugar-y sweet

    Rib Stabbing

    Equipment:Candy's horn is obviously magical, and tougher than anything known to man. She has a strong defense with butterflies, and rainbows, putting people at a false ease.

    Likes: The fear of the weak, the hearts of my enemies, and a good brushing.

    Dislikes: Glitter, losing, kittens, and carrots.

    Read factbook

  5. (Eliminated in the Quarterfinals) Toerana's Unicorn Wardrobious and Joust Stephen:

    A Unicorn in the Wardrobe

    Height: 280cm
    Horn Length: 2m
    Top Speed: 57 km/h

    Fun Facts:
    Due to the wardrobe formerly being inhabited by Voldemort, it may occasionally start floating, rendering the unicorn useless.
    When jousting, the rider sits inside the wardrobe, which is strapped onto the Unicorn's back.

    The Unicorn, merely name "Unicorn Wardrobious", was first seen roaming a furniture store one day. It is a mysterious bread of Unicorn, with very little being known about the species except for the fact that they appear to really like Wardrobes, hence the species name, "Unicorn Wardrobei." No one knows when they originated, with ancient texts describing them in the tombs of Egyptian Pharaohs, where they guarded the graves of old rulers.

    Read dispatch

  6. (Eliminated in the Quarterfinals) Outboundstagnate's Unicorn Borbib with no joust (allegedly, "He is all-powerful and predates the universe"):


    Borbib in 2010 during a rare interview.

    Borb Birbus
    Criminal Status:
    At Large
    Span Of Crimes:
    Unknown - Present
    Scientific Career


    Borbib (born Borb Birbus) is a mass murderer, serial killer, murderer and mass bomber who terrorizes the entire universe. He was originally a scientist but left his career for reasons unknown to start a criminal career. From when his career started is unknown but it extends to the present with the most recent bombing being the Mao Mausoleum Bombing in April 2018. The reason for these bombing is unknown though several hypotheses have been proposed with the most popular assuming that Borbib originated from a post-singularity civilization and now is tasked with ending any civilization approaching this feat. No official statement has ever been given but patterns in Borbib attacks have pointed to an anti-technological bias.

    The first Borbib contact was in 1830 were a statement was sent through mail to all “leaders of major powers”. The statement announced that Borbib was the character “Ned Ludd” that inspired the Luddites. Reasons were never given as to why Borbib interfered at this point in time rather than earlier or later.

    Borbib is the subject of the largest manhunt in history led by the United Nations across all United Nations members with other autonomous regions and organizations also in support of the manhunt. The United Nations is using the acronym MAB (Mass Bomber). Multiple sightings have been made but no leads have led to any Borbib plots being halted.

    Early Life

    Not much is known about Borbib's early life. He claims that he has always existed and that he predates the universe. The very little information available about Borbib's early life is entirely comprised by statements issued by Borbib himself.

    It is known that Borbib was a scientist from a statement issued in 1910 but it is unknown where Borbib acquired his scientific knowledge. Borbib has allegedly helped scientists such Albert Einstein and Stephen Hawking and has issued essays that partly unify quantum mechanics and relativity but has never issued a complete essay completely unifying quantum mechanics and relativity though it is widely assumed that he possesses the knowledge.

    At some point in Borbib's early life, he decided to create life and occupy a body. The body he occupied is that of a male bird and unicorn hybrid. When asked what his species is, he replied “I am no species that could exist by the laws I have set out in the universe.”


    Borbib has claimed to be behind the majority of bombings in human history. The earliest bombing he has claimed is that he made the dinosaurs extinct through a bomb manufactured from anti-matter. Whilst methods have varied wildly across history, he has always given details that other groups have lacked when claiming bombings claimed by others.

    Telepathic Nudging

    The most common way Borbib claims to bomb is through “telepathically nudging” other people to do bombings in his place. He has claimed to have given help and ideas to bombers such as the “Mad Bomber”, “UNABomber”, the Boston Marathon Bombers and the “Angry Brigade”.

    The number of claims that Borbib has made of helping organizations and people bomb is in the thousands and has also said the he was the original author of “The Anarchists Cookbook” that was sent to William Powell for mass publishing. He also claims that he sent “The Anarchists Cookbook” in a “perfect and factual form” but that Powell had altered it before publishing.

    The threat of Borbib's ability to supposedly communicate and persuade telepathically has prompted global leaders to identify Borbib as the largest threat to global peace surpassing terrorist organizations, extremists and other nations.

    A declassified document from the CIA shows that Borbib had sent threats to the CIA and FBI of a “bombing on a scale that defies traditional thinking” unless the FBI and CIA persuade the US president to go to the UN and identify Borbib as the greatest threat to humanity. The aftermath of the announcement was the creation of the manhunt to find Borbib but has thus far not found any base of operations.

    Borbib issued a statement after announcing that he planned to convince the USSR to invade Afghanistan to try to cause a proxy war that would lead to war lords holding large amounts of weapons that would carry out bombings for Borbib. The Soviet invasion of Afghanistan later was allegedly of Borbib's design though Borbib has denied this.

    The Troubles

    Borbib's role in the Troubles in unknown but he has claimed to be one of the main engineers behind the Provisional IRA and to have placed the majority of culvert bombs.

    He has claimed to have shifted into a human before engaging in any Troubles related actions such as engineering mortars. He has also published the entire war log of the Provisional IRA that details all actions taken by the army council and all departments including the blueprints for the bombs used and the improvised weaponry developed and weaponry that was going to be developed.

    Borbib has claimed that his role in the Provisional IRA's long war was “instrumental” and has claimed to have engineered the strategy after seeing how much more effective it could be.

    Afghan Civil War

    Borbib has also claimed to have directly helped both insurgents and the NATO coalition.

    Borbib has claimed to have helped Insurgents find ways to develop explosives such as suggesting the use of fertilizers and improvised explosives made from chemicals available from raids such as nitric acid and chemicals available from household items such as bleach and silverware.

    Borbib has claimed to have helped the coalition by providing hints and leads to insurgent strongholds and has claimed to have directly given the location of the Taliban's leader, Muhammad Omar, on several occasions though he claims that they ignored these hints. Former coalition leaders have said that Borbib's claims are accurate and that the greatest mistake of the coalition was to ignore Borbib's advice.

    Violating The Laws Of Physics

    The most dangerous aspect of Borbib (according to leading scientists) is his violation of fundamental laws of physics. Borbib has been seen by numerous people at the same time and has appeared on camera in two different countries at same time. Borbib's ability to violate the laws of physics is not currently understood but it suggests that the current laws are either false or that they can be bypassed with the correct technique. This ability to violate the laws of physics is what has really intrigued scientists out of hope that Borbib may be able to help the advancement of science through careful observation of what Borbib does to bypass the laws of physics.


    Borbib's primary form of transportation appears to be a form of faster than light travel. Borbib has shown this in front of journalists on numerous occasions to demonstrate his ability. It is unknown how this occurs but it has been demonstrated and he has given numerous statements that contradict each other such as claiming that he bends space-time and that he creates wormholes. No explanation fits with the laws of physics as it is currently known.

    The use of Borbib's ability to travel in such a manner is numerous and if it is discovered how this occurs, a galaxy encompassing civilization is hypothesized to be possible. Borbib appears to use this primarily to travel from a base of operations to a bombing target and then back to his base of operations. If his ability to travel is truly faster than light, his base of operations could be anywhere in the universe.

    The numerous ways in which abuse of this power is possible has prompted some people to say that it is unethical to develop such a capability and that research into such abilities should be halted and reversed.

    Time Paradoxes

    Borbib has also demonstrated an ability to rewind time, halt time and manipulate time in certain ways to make time slow in a field that Borbib has defined and proceed as normal outside the field that Borbib has defined. Through multiple high profile stunts, Borbib has proved to be able to manipulate time in a manner that does not fit with relativity. Through the now famous "knife test", Borbib demonstrated that when someone threw a knife at him from behind, Borbib could catch the knife and hold it in his hands whilst still facing the other way. Borbib explained that he paused time to grab it.

    The Rejected Realms Unicorn Joust 2019

    In December of 2019, Borbib announced his participation into the Rejected Realms Unicorn Joust for reasons still unknown. The claims made by Borbib to garner votes include his profession of love for "doggos and sea doggos" and his ability to use apostrophes correctly.

    To ensure victory against other unicorns, Borbib created a Wikipedia-esque dispatch on the NationStates website to document all activities that Borbib deems necessary to achieve victory.

    In the first round of the tournament, Borbib was placed against Dead I Jack's "The Silver Steed". This pair up was compared to David and Goliath with Borbib being David and the Silver Steed being Goliath.

    In the end, it was a draw but the moderator responsible gave the Silver Steed the victory. Borbib declared this as bias due to the nature of the competition and challenged Dead I Jack to a chess match to declare the winner. In the end, Jack declined because he cowered at the thought of losing to the birb so Borbib took up the task of signlehandedly rigging the votes.

    He was successful in his rigging as Dead I Jack's unicorn lost to "The Church Of Satan" and his unicorn in the semi-finals.


    It is unknown what species Borbib is. The body Borbib is that of a bird and horn of a unicorn though Borbib claims the ability to shape shift which would mean Borbib could take any form Borbib would see fit.

    Borbib has also claimed to carry out bombings by shape shifting into other humans. Borbib claimed to place the fingerprint of Patrick Magee on a hotel card by shape shifting for retaliation of the IRA claiming attacks that Borbib was behind.

    Ending notes:
    Completed on deadline of 27th of December in 2019. Fiction and done partly in joke, espicially the Rejected Realms Unicorn Joust section.

    Read dispatch

  7. (Eliminated in the Quarterfinals) Glacikaldr's Unicorn Ruthien and Joust Dame Sylair Nivali

  8. (Eliminated in the Semifinals) Jodi samsinak's Unicorn TLJ best starwars movie and Joust Penelope (Prequels-are-Good) Yoda


The One Rule:

These will be popularity contests with only one rule: one vote per person.

If you break this rule, you will be DISQUALIFIED.

Of course, you can't help it if other people vote with more than one nation on your behalf, but if Glacikaldr receives a REPORT WITH EVIDENCE via a telegram that shows that you have been trying to coerce more than one vote from other people, then you will also be disqualified.

So, cheat carefully and with only people that you can trust! If both jousts are caught cheating, then only the cheating jouster who cheated the most will be disqualified.

The first EIGHT Reject contestants to register will be in the running to be declared UNICORN JOUSTER of 2019!


Jousts are encouraged to create a dispatch about their unicorn or jousting career as well, to help them win over votes during their match-ups.

For example, here is a summary for Glacikaldr's unicorn, Ruthien:

The Donkey Unicorn:

With sponsorship from House Nivali, the Glacikaldrian Donkey Unicorn, Ruthien, was accepted into the Royal Ass Côte Races Unicorn Jousting of Rejectmas Festival 2019 for its agility, speed, versatility and strength.

Ruthien is kept alive thanks to the technological advances delivered by Artificial Intelligence. Can you believe that there was once a time where donkeys couldn't be perpetually kept alive?

Jousting Career:

When joined by his joust, the young and dashing Dame Sylair Nivali, Ruthien remains unmatched by any Glacikaldrian equivalent.

Notably, Ruthien is also the esteemed winner of the Royal Ass Côte 2018.

Please enjoy this leftover goodie bag celebrating his victory (not a bribe)!


To register your nation among the first eight contestants, please nominate your unicorn and joust via the following telegram form to Glacikaldr:

To Whom It May Concern:

We, [nation], wish to nominate a contestant for the Unicorn Jousting of Rejectmas Festival 2019.

Name of Unicorn: [insert]

Name of Joust (conventionally a Knight or Dame): [insert]

We understand the one rule and agree to its terms and the terms of Rejectmas Festival 2019. We understand that any damages to both unicorn and joust, without exception to the lawful duty of care within the Rejected Realms, is not to be held against the respondent in any court of law and civil dispute. We would also like to thank you for one of Ruthien's leftover goodie bags.

We wish you a hairy and very smooth Rejectmas. Yours in Rejection,

[nation's regional ambassador]

Please fill in the sections in closed brackets and return the nomination form at your earliest convenience if intending to apply.


Please be aware that polls will be run for periods of 24 hours once the tournament begins, and will be open to all nations within the confines of the one rule. Participant nations will be notified when they are featured in a match-up via a telegram.

Please find below an outline of the tournament's playoffs: