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by The Impeccably Arranged Snark of The West Pacific Master Dispatch. . 626 reads.

The Big Book of Puns



All your chocolate belongs to Darkesia

The Big Book of Puns

Hear ye, hear ye! All Delegates of The West Pacific since the 49th (Bran Astor) have determined that it should be good and right for the winners of Punday Monday to be recorded. Therefore, here is a log of the winners of Punday Monday for each Monday under our Squatchy, Platypus and Lavender overlords.


Punday Monday Records At A Glance

Winners by Number of Trophies

Number of wins

Winners

1

Liberillia, Recuecn, Great algerstonia, Sensorland, Adorable Davelands, Wickedly evil people, Numpties, Legionas, Dilber, Fhaengshia, Tao the watcher, Of Knowhere, GreatOceania, Maxime vachier-lagrave, Tringapore, Dunkan, Sasanay, Tranquil Island, Northavia, Italian zion, Shackleduck, Ventel, Diaboland, Outer Scotiotland, Varanius

2

Novasamita, Bran Astor

3

Darkesia, Teralyon, Yy4u, Av Libertas Vindex

4

Fuentana, Big Bad Badger, Westwind, Willow Gate

5

Cro Magnon

6

none

7

Greynne, The Holy Principality of Saint Mark

8

United Adaikes, Giovanniland

9

Bhang Bhang Duc

10

Aluminum Oxynitride

Winners by Date

Date

Winner(s)

Pun(s)

2019-11-18

Giovanniland, Liberillia

Giovanniland wrote:What does a grape say when it's stepped on?
Nothing, it just lets a little wine.

Liberillia wrote:Did anyone see that the Icelandic parliament is now in recess? Althings must come to an end.

2019-11-25

Aluminum Oxynitride, Cro Magnon

Aluminum Oxynitride wrote:Why can't you use "beef stew" as a password? Because it's not stroganoff!

Cro Magnon wrote:Technically this is prehistory, but let's not split hairs.

Speaking of splitting. I had two conies once but they kept fighting so I had to separate them.

2019-12-02

Aluminum Oxynitride

Aluminum Oxynitride wrote:My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went out and had a few beers. Cool guy, very driven, wants to be a web designer.

2019-12-09

Aluminum Oxynitride, The Holy Principality of Saint Mark

Aluminum Oxynitride wrote:To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.

The Holy Principality of Saint Mark wrote:If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.

2019-12-16

Darkesia, Recuecn

Darkesia wrote:What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Recuecn wrote:Once upon a time there was a town named Happyville where nothing bad every happened...
-snipped for brevity-

2019-12-23

Great algerstonia

Great algerstonia wrote:What country's capital has the highest-growing population?

Ireland. Every day it is Dublin.

2019-12-30

All participants

Too many to list; see Page 9399 to Page 9402

2020-01-06

Sensorland, Bhang Bhang Duc

Sensorland wrote:Dr. Watson' hair was unkemp, so he used his Sherlock Combs!

Bhang Bhang Duc wrote:“Watson we’re going to a housing exhibition!”

“Ideal Holmes.”

2020-01-13

Darkesia

Darkesia wrote:What did Ernie say when asked if he wanted some ice-cream?
"Sherbert!"

2020-01-20

Big Bad Badger

Big Bad Badger wrote:Bread is like the sun. It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

2020-01-27

Adorable Davelands, Big Bad Badger

Adorable Davelands wrote:PUNDAY MONDAY!!!

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Big Bad Badger wrote:I grew up on a dairy farm in northern Wisconsin. I didn't really want to farm, but hay was in my jeans.

I realized early on that farming wasn't for me. When milking cows my Dad would just talk udder nonsense.

What really sealed my dislike of farming was when a cow told me "some guy just pulled my tit. How dairy!"

This is giving me deja moo....the feeling that I have heard this bull before.

2020-02-03

Yy4u

Yy4u wrote:A Harley rider eating in a restaurant is checking out a gorgeous redhead. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket. The biker reaches up, snatches it out of the air, and hands it back to her. "I am so embarrassed," the woman says. "Please join me for dinner."

They enjoy a wonderful meal together and afterwards she invites him to the theater, followed by drinks. She pays for everything. Then she asks him to her place for a nightcap, and to stay for breakfast.

The next morning the guy is amazed. "Are you this nice to every biker you meet?" he asks.

"Not usually," she replies. "But you just happened to catch my eye."

2020-02-10

Giovanniland

Giovanniland wrote:How much space did the Brexit free up in the European Union?

1 GB.

2020-02-17

Novasamita

Novasamita wrote:A half horse half man walked into the room. He's now the centaur of attention.

2020-02-24

Wickedly evil people

Wickedly evil people wrote:Yy threw a bottle of mayo at me.
I said what the Hellman.

2020-03-02

Bhang Bhang Duc

Bhang Bhang Duc wrote:I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.

2020-03-09

Big Bad Badger

Big Bad Badger wrote:Just went to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask.

I asked them, "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"

They said, "I am not, I am wearing a coughy filter!"

2020-03-16

The Holy Principality of Saint Mark, Westwind

The Holy Principality of Saint Mark wrote:A surefire way to avoid infection with Covid-19 ...
Wear a Bears jersey. You won't catch anything.

Westwind wrote:So I said to Arnold, 'where did you get those toilet paper rolls?"

He said, 'aisle B, back."

2020-03-23

Greynne

Greynne wrote:I accidentally got Heinz ketchup in my eye, and no longer need glasses. Heinz-sight is 20/20.

2020-03-30

The Holy Principality of Saint Mark

The Holy Principality of Saint Mark wrote:If I die before you, have I beaten you to death?

2020-04-06

Novasamita

Novasamita wrote:I ran out of toilet paper the other day and had to resort to using newspapers. The Times are rough.

2020-04-13

Bran Astor, Fuentana, Greynne

Bran Astor wrote:Australians define propaganda as taking a good look at something.

Fuentana wrote:I asked a theologian how Jesus takes away the stain of sin. He said, "With Easter Tide."

Greynne wrote:Finland has closed its borders. No one is allowed to cross the Finnish line.

2020-05-04

Aluminum Oxynitride, Numpties

Aluminum Oxynitride wrote:My favorite time on a clock is 6:30. Hands down.

Numpties wrote:- Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

2020-06-15

Aluminum Oxynitride

Aluminum Oxynitride wrote:I tried to make "hi hat" my password. Unfortunately, my password can't contain cymbols.

2020-06-29

Greynne

Greynne wrote:I told my suitcases there would be no vacation this year. Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.

2020-07-06

Bhang Bhang Duc, Fuentana

Bhang Bhang Duc wrote:“Oh look” said Harry, “Kant* is smoking a spliff.”
“Yes” said Hermione, “The philosopher’s stoned.”

Fuentana wrote:Speaking of language games. What's the secret to telling bad cooking jokes?
Delivering them deadpan.

2020-07-13

All participants with potato puns

Too many to list; see Page 9912 and Page 9913

2020-07-20

All participants

Too many to list; see Page 9924 and Page 9925

2020-07-27

Darkesia (on the TWP Discord server)

"Dad, what's a forklift?"
"Food, usually."

2020-08-03

Greynne

Greynne wrote:A Nazgul floats into a bar. The bartender says: "I'm sorry, we don't serve your kind here."
The Nazgul replies: "That's wraithist."

2020-08-10

Legionas

Legionas wrote:An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.

2020-08-24

Greynne

Greynne wrote:What city has the worst waffles? San Diego.

2020-09-21

All participants with pirate puns

Too many to list; see Page 10005 and Page 10006

2020-09-28

Teralyon

Teralyon wrote:Have you seen nuclear fallout before?
It's rad.

2020-10-05

Fuentana

Fuentana wrote:Pazuzu is the correct answer.
1) that demon has great taste. He’s only interested in head turners (there’s my pun for the day)

2020-10-12

Greynne

Greynne wrote:I challenged a Dementor to a pillow fight.
I couldn't handle the reaper cushions.

2020-10-19

All participants with Bigfoot puns

Too many to list; see Page 10044 to Page 10046

2020-10-26

All participants

Too many to list; see Page 10056 to Page 10058

2020-11-02

Giovanniland

Giovanniland wrote:An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan...
-snipped for brevity-

2020-11-09

Dilber, Westwind

Dilber wrote:Get your puns in for the very first Dilber Decision.
This is my first chance to be a pundit.

Westwind wrote:A huge crab walks into a bar...

...and says to the barman, "I demand one pint of lager. I will pay the full price, provided that the following criteria are met. The beer should be served to me within one minute of ordering, and at a temperature of between 6-9 degrees Celsius. The beer should be served in a clean, cold glass and a beer mat must be provided. If the quality of the provided beer does not meet my high standards, you must agree to refund the full amount charged, and provide any additional financial compensation for any discomfort, stress or time wasted."

The barman looks at the crab and says, "why the big clause?"

2020-11-16

Fhaengshia

Fhaengshia wrote:Couldn't think of a Turkey pun.
So I decided to just wing it.

2020-11-23

Bhang Bhang Duc

Bhang Bhang Duc wrote:My cat has started reading Steinbeck. Loves “Of Mice and Men”.

2020-11-30

Giovanniland and Westwind

Giovanniland wrote:A website in which I registered today told me the password required at least 8 characters and a number. So I picked Snow White and the 7 Dwarves.

Westwind wrote:Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii? Or just a low ha.

2020-12-07

Teralyon

Teralyon wrote:I Guess it's a good thing I'll be opening up a new shadow puppet theater. The business plan says we'll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.

I'll still go ahead and open it though, as long as everyone practice proper safety that is. Theater is all fun and games until someone ends up in a cast.

2020-12-14

Cro Magnon

Cro Magnon wrote:Removed my mom's sister from my social media networks for spamming my wall with woo-woo. She's Aunty Vax.

2020-12-21

Tao the watcher

Tao the watcher wrote:I was looking at old pictures of the American West yesterday. One photo was Mt. Rushmore before Borglum began cutting and I have to say, the natural beauty of the place was "unpresidented."

2020-12-28

Fuentana

Fuentana wrote:What did the desert monks sing every Christmas?

No well, no well, no well, no well...

2021-01-04

United Adaikes

United Adaikes wrote:A British mathematician was fishing for complements.

Yep, he was a right angler.

2021-01-11

Bhang Bhang Duc and Giovanniland

Bhang Bhang Duc wrote:I knew a woman who owned a taser. She was a stunner.

Giovanniland wrote:Soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish.

If you sign up for an economics class, you should bring some spoiled milk from home on the first day. They’re a big fan of gross domestic products.

2021-01-18

Willow Gate + the series of Amore puns

Willow Gate wrote:My thesaurus was very cheap. It's terrible, and also terrible.

See Page 10201 and Page 10202 for the Amore puns

2021-01-25

Giovanniland

Giovanniland wrote:A retired Florida couple was watching TV. The husband looks outside.

As he struggles to get up, he yells to his wife: "Hurry! Cane!"

2021-02-01

United Adaikes

United Adaikes wrote:Why didn't the Australian marsupial climb down the tree to drink the beverage waiting for him on the ground?

It was Low Koala Tea

2021-02-08

Aluminum Oxynitride

Aluminum Oxynitride wrote:Why did they change the playing field at "The Big House" to cardboard? Because Michigan has always looked better on paper.

How do you keep your family safe from a Wolverine? Move to Pasadena!

Once upon a time, there was a season when neither Ohio State nor Michigan made a post-season bowl game. It seemed so unusual that the teams figured there should be some sort of competition anyway. So they got together and decided on a week-long ice-fishing competition. On the first day, Ohio State caught 100 fish and Michigan caught none. On the second day, Ohio State had caught 200 fish and Michigan still had zero. The Michigan coach, suspecting cheating, dressed one of his players in scarlet and gray and sent him to the Ohio State camp to act as a spy. At the end of the day, the player came back to the report. "Are they cheating?" asked the coach. "They sure are," the player said. "They're cutting holes in the ice!"

2021-02-15

Teralyon and The Holy Principality of Saint Mark

Teralyon wrote:As a Canadian I don't know how I feel about these Canada puns..
Guess it doesn't really matter, One day Canada will take over the world, then you'll all be sorry.

The Holy Principality of Saint Mark wrote:I asked my son how he did on his school report about Canada
He said he got an "eh".

2021-02-22

Aluminum Oxynitride

Aluminum Oxynitride wrote:I was just diagnosed with the dreaded "Peek-a-Boo" virus. I'm being transferred to the ICU.

2021-03-01

The Holy Principality of Saint Mark

The Holy Principality of Saint Mark wrote:Murder at Costco! -snipped for brevity-

2021-03-08

United Adaikes

United Adaikes wrote:The past, the present, and the future walked into the bar.

It was tense.

2021-03-15

Aluminum Oxynitride

Aluminum Oxynitride wrote:What is the best way to serve pi? A la mode! Any other way is just mean.

2021-03-22

Cro Magnon

Cro Magnon wrote:*brews a fresh pot of that West Pacific blend*

A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood donor clinic. The nurse asks, "What blood type are you, rabbit?". She replies, "I'm pretty sure I'm a type-o"

2021-03-29

United Adaikes

United Adaikes wrote:After playing guitar for years, I thought I could learn to play the piano.

But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.

2021-04-12

Of Knowhere

Of Knowhere wrote:Why did the Sun never got into college? Because it already has quite a million degrees!

2021-04-19

The Holy Principality of Saint Mark

The Holy Principality of Saint Mark wrote:I’ve started using garlic in my magic act. First I start by crushing it, adding basil and some pine nuts and then I blend them all together with some Parmesan and olive oil...
Then…hey…pesto!

2021-04-26

GreatOceania

GreatOceania wrote:Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot

2021-05-03

Maxime vachier-lagrave

Maxime vachier-lagrave wrote:Giovanniland indeed has a strong suit in curd farming. Their inflation methods are also brie-lliant.

2021-05-10

Willow Gate

Willow Gate wrote:I spent a total of two and a half years pregnant, and believe me, there was plenty of whine.

2021-05-17

Willow Gate

Willow Gate wrote:I'm having trouble engaging with clients and coworkers over Zoom. I try little quips and puns but they're all falling flat.

I asked my boss if she had any advice. Apparently it's because my jokes aren't remotely funny.

2021-05-24

Av Libertas Vindex and Bhang Bhang Duc

Bhang Bhang Duc wrote:Continuing in the same theme:

I wrote down on a piece of paper several books I wanted to read about substances that speed up chemical reactions, and told my kitten to go out and get them for me.

I gave my catalyst.

Av Libertas Vindex wrote:I need some advice, I accidentally took my cats medications. Don't ask meow

2021-05-31

Aluminum Oxynitride

Aluminum Oxynitride wrote:What do you call a platypus wearing a flannel shirt? A plaidypus!

2021-06-07

Bhang Bhang Duc

Bhang Bhang Duc wrote:What’s the last thing that goes through a bumblebee’s mind when it impacts a windscreen?

Its backside.

2021-06-14

Cro Magnon

Cro Magnon wrote:What a weekend I had. Three different dates. Each one proposed! I said yes each time. I think that was pretty big o' me.

2021-06-21

Giovanniland

Giovanniland wrote:What do you call a group waiting to view a Pride parade? A LGBT Queue.

2021-06-28

United Adaikes

United Adaikes wrote:Someone said my clothes looked gay today.

I told them my clothes came out of the closet this morning.

2021-07-05

Tringapore

Tringapore wrote:I've got this awful disease where I can't stop making airport jokes.

The doctor says it's terminal.

2021-07-12

Dunkan

Dunkan wrote:To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing.

2021-07-19

Big Bad Badger

Big Bad Badger wrote:My wife made an egg casserole this morning...
I turned to her and said, "this looks so good, I could quiche you!"

2021-07-26

Bhang Bhang Duc

Bhang Bhang Duc wrote:My grandfather had the heart of the lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

2021-08-02

Cro Magnon

Cro Magnon wrote:Today I've decided to be frivolous first, august second.

2021-08-09

Av Libertas Vindex

Av Libertas Vindex wrote:Don't blame others for the road you're on, that's your own asphalt

2021-08-16

United Adaikes

United Adaikes wrote:Do you know what happened to bad plane jokes?

They never land.

2021-08-23

Aluminum Oxynitride

Aluminum Oxynitride wrote:A penguin walks into the airport. A security officer promptly stops it saying, "What are you doing in here? Penguins can't fly!"

2021-08-30

Sasanay

Sasanay wrote:I'm reading these puns and I must say, it shore is good to sea participation

2021-09-06

Greynne

Greynne wrote:I love really large clocks. Big time.

2021-09-13

Tranquil Island

Tranquil Island wrote:I know someone who was habitually late until his doctor recommended sleeping in a herb garden. Sounds odd, I know, but now he wakes up on Thyme.
I fitted an alarm clock to my shoe. It stops my foot from falling asleep.
Couldn’t sleep, so went to a counselor for advice. He said, “sleep on the edge of the bed, you’ll soon drop off”.

2021-09-20

United Adaikes

United Adaikes wrote:What do you call the fallout of a cheese nuke? Debrie

2021-09-27

Bhang Bhang Duc

Bhang Bhang Duc wrote:What do you call a potato that makes videos for the internet? A YouTUBER.

Why did the potato cough up blood? Because it had tuber-culosis.

What's the difference between the winner of a body building competition and a coach potato? One has a trophy for muscles and the other has muscle atrophy.

2021-10-04

Bran Astor

Bran Astor wrote:My three favorite things are your mom jokes and not using commas.

2021-10-11

Northavia

Northavia wrote:A tree once tried to overthrow my government. It is now wanted for Treason.

2021-10-18

United Adaikes

United Adaikes wrote:If Bran Astor is our resident Sasquatch, then Dalimbar is the Sassquatch. :)

2021-10-25

Yy4u

Yy4u wrote:I used to have a problem with grammatical tenses....

but not yet.
---------------------------------------
'Just married' makes it sound like they're already disappointed ...
--------------------------------------
The other day I went to the grocery store and there was a sign on the door that said 'No food or drinks inside'.

So I went home.
-------------------------------------
The other day I was putting on a shirt, and I lost the buttonhole.

2021-11-01

Giovanniland

Giovanniland wrote:Someone I once knew was a policeman of few words. He guarded an ancient Egyptian Christian burial chamber, therefore he was a cryptic cop in a Coptic crypt.

2021-11-08

Italian zion

Italian zion wrote:What do you call a Batman that doesn't go to church?

Christian bale

2021-11-15

Shackleduck

Shackleduck wrote:What happened when the turkey got into a fight? A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

2021-11-29

Yy4u

Yy4u wrote:How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

2021-12-06

Ventel

Ventel wrote:Is it really a Christmas theme Punday?

Sleigh it ain’t so!

2021-12-13

Diaboland

Diaboland wrote:I haven't thought of a sweater pun yet but I'm itching to come up with one.

2021-12-20

Outer Scotiotland

Outer Scotiotland wrote:Who's Santa's favorite singer? Elfish Presley

Why did Santa go to the liquor store? He was looking for holiday spirits

2021-12-27

Westwind

Westwind wrote:Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?
Sold his soul to Santa...

2022-01-03

Willow Gate

Willow Gate wrote:I had high hopes for the new year, until I realised this one is twenty twenty too...

2022-01-10

The Holy Principality of Saint Mark

The Holy Principality of Saint Mark wrote:My kids think Santa has riverfront property in Brazil...

Because all of their presents came from Amazon this Christmas.

2022-01-24

Varanius

Varanius wrote:While not education related, I do have a question: why can’t you play NS outside?
Because you have to endorse! Specifically, go endorse Gio! Now!

2022-01-31

Av Libertas Vindex

Av Libertas Vindex wrote:Knock knock
Who's there
A little old lady
A little old lady who?
Do you allways yodel when you answer the door?

Punday Monday results gathered by Sensorland and Giovanniland.

Layout by Bran Astor & Fujai


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