by Max Barry

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by The Disapproving Goose of Beepee. . 55 reads.

Rules for Life

It has come to my attention that some of the younger members of the South Pacific could benefit from the sound advice of someone older and, potentially, wiser.

Therefore, I will be periodically providing advice and guidance in this new dispatchinar. These "rules" will be grouped in easy to digest sections which will allow the reader to dip in and out when they require.

Therefore, with pleasure, I present these useful "Rules for Life".



1. Indoor shoes, e.g. slippers, are not to be worn outside.

2. Never wear heels on a soggy lawn.

3. LMFAO were wrong, everyday we're not shuffling! Lift your feet when you walk.

4. Unless you're under 5 or over 80 years of age, velcro is not a suitable tying mechanism.

5. With shoes, socks are compulsory!

1. The toilet seat and lid should always be returned to the 'down' position.

2. Three words: flush, pause, check. Repeat as necessary.

3. Your guests will always appreciate a moist towelette.

4. No eating in the bathroom.

5. Three ply minimum.

1. Active wear is not suitable attire for a shopping trip.

2. Pyjamas are indoor clothes only.

3. If you look like a rolled beef roast, you should go up a size.

4. Unless specifically asked, your opinion on an outfit is not required.

1. Fruit is not dessert.

2. There should never be 'teeth marks' in a block of cheese.

3. Milk should only be added after the tea has brewed; that is, never before the hot water is added.

4. Do not attempt to eat anything bigger than your head.

1. Your child is not more special, or more important, than any other child.

2. Prams and strollers are not supposed to go on escalators.

1. Christmas season does not start on 1st November.

2. Christmas decorations are not 'a beautiful year round decoration'.

1. Three sniffs maximum... then you need to blow your nose.

2. Never leave the bathroom dry... Always was your hands.

3. You cannot get 'another days use' out of underwear.

1. If you're taking a mirror shot, clean the mirror. I dont want to guess what that stain is.

2. Noone wants to see your toilet in the background of your selfie.

3. Ensure you tidy your room before taking a selfie.

4. Taking photos in a public restroom is not ok.