This was made out of good faith and purely for entertainment. General definitions and important terminology are linked below in the spoiler. I've linked definitions of each position in the team roster, if you want to understand them further.
Starting Rotation (Starting Pitchers)
Bullpen (Relief Pitchers)
New United Carolinas (2nd Base)
As the leadoff hitter for the team, NUC has been the catalyst for sometime now. On offense, he's described as a "gamer" by some old timers, consistently hitting for a high average and stealing bags like a new-wave Rickey Henderson (maybe with a little more humility). Strikeouts from him happen about as often as a blue moon. While he does not hit for high home-run totals, some speculate an untapped power potential.
On defense he has incredible range due to his speed and good hands. He might be the most underrated on the entire team.
New Sistonia (Shortstop)
Smooth cannot begin to describe this player. His bat swing is a marvel, and consistently correlates with hard contact and among the highest slugging percentage on the team. While his overall offensive numbers are nothing to write home about, his defensive range, glove-work, and cannon for an arm dazzle fans and opposing hitters alike. With New United Carolinas at 2nd, they combine for highlight-reel double plays every other night.
While reports indicate he is likely to leave the team sometime before next season, he was drafted and developed by the team, and will always be loved by the fanbase.
Cymiopolis (1st Base)
A tall (per usual) and lengthy first baseman, Cymiopolis handles the position well on defense. While not spectacular, he regularly makes the expected plays.
On offense, his overall numbers are deceiving. He has an average 100 points higher with runners in scoring position, and regularly has 100+ RBI seasons. Power comes and goes, but "clutchness" never dies.
New Mexico Azteca (Designated Hitter)
Opposing pitchers dread the days they face NMA. He has posted 35+ home-run reasons every year in the major leagues, with last year resulting in 49 bombs, a team record. While previously a home-run only hitter, he has now become an MVP-caliber offensive weapon this season, with an average exceeding .280 and 115 RBI to match. His defensive skills, while sub-par, provide much-needed off-days to his teammates.
However, defense is where he shines. Pitch selection and framing ability have been described as best in the league. Additionally, he throws out opposing base stealers about 40% of the time. As the unquestioned leader in the clubhouse, Achipel makes the team function off and on the field.
Kronshtadt (3rd Base)
Above-average in every way. Consistent and reliable, the team's third baseman always produces as expected and regularly puts up decent offensive stats, from average, 20+ home-runs, and 80+ RBI every year.
On defense, while not speedy or possessing great range, he has superb athleticism that keeps any bunters or line drives at bay.
Luraqau (Center Field)
He could map the confines of the team's home stadium from memory alone. A speedy center fielder, he regularly robs opposing hitters that dare hit a ball in his direction. Route selection, range, and pure athleticism makes him the pitcher's best friend in the outfield.
While his offensive stats leave something to be desired, he's saved countless runs due to his defensive prowess.
Idiocarasia (Left Field)
Some say that his clubhouse antics are even better than his on-field performance.
Truly, the left fielder for the New West Indies keeps it light. During even the toughest of losing streaks, no one can help smiling from his jokes.
On the field, he is a decent defensive left fielder who also provides a spark on offense. While the average tends to be middle of the pack, and power is lacking, he takes advantage of defensive lapses, and is second on the team in steals.
SeigFreid (Right Field)
The team's right fielder has been around longer than most can remember. A serviceable offensive and above-average defensive player, he usually keeps the right field corner lacking of surprises. However, he is often in healthy competition with the other outfielders to see which one can make the most diving plays, and even has a counter set up in the clubhouse.
Karteria (Starting Pitcher #1)
A "control" pitcher, Karteria regularly puts up some of the best stats on the team. 10+ wins every year, a lifetime ERA of 2.54, and an innings total of 190+ every year.
While not touching 95 on the radar gun with his fastball, he has a nice repertoire of four-seam fastball, two-seam fastball, changeup, and a nasty 12-6 curveball. He's been described as a "workhorse" by his teammates – there's always a possibility of him pitching nine innings when he's on the mound.
Volirum (Starting Pitcher #2)
A solid pitcher all the way around, he has a 96 mph four-seam fastball and a breaking ball that fools hitters often. He ranges between a control or a "power" pitcher – nevertheless, he's a veteran of the New West Indies and is one of the more reliable pitchers on the staff. Occasionally, he'll dazzle the crowd with a lot of strikeouts.
Roussillon (Starting Pitcher #3)
Roussillon was drafted out of the "Division Élite" in France as perhaps their best pitcher in 50 years. While speaking good English, he always requests having a translator on hand to speak it for him.
On the mound, he focuses on breaking pitches and mixing in his two-seam fastball occasionally, which only touches 91 or 92 mph. A slider and cutter help turn in the most double plays on the staff.
Canilu (Starting Pitcher #4)
After being drafted out of high school and losing velocity on his fastball quickly, Canilu began throwing a "knuckleball." One of the few pitchers left in the league to do so, he fools hitters with its unpredictable movement (and occasionally fooling his own catcher too). He puts up decent numbers as a starter and works a good amount of innings every year.
Ferasichi (Starting Pitcher #5)
A serviceable pitcher, Ferasichi made his presence knowns last year in the playoffs as a clutch performer, winning the last game of the division series in remarkable fashion.
While not spectacular, there is also not much downside to the promising young starter.
Rhodes-Land (Long Reliever)
Picked up in a trade to help alleviate the bullpen's workload, Rhodes-Land offers multiple quality innings at a time, albeit with a limited repertoire. Focusing on a fastball and curveball, he offers reliability in a pen that was questionable to begin the season.
Electorate (Middle Reliever)
Recently drafted out of Omaha, the young thrower has been called "erratic" by some of his teammates over the years.
However, he's armed with a 98 mph fastball and a hard cutter. Scouts say he might have the best "stuff" on the team.
Portinabia (Lefty Specialist)
As the title sounds, the left-hander is called in for a couple batters (at most) at a time to get lefties out. He has a four-seam fastball, a hard slider, and a changeup.
While increasingly spending a lot of time on the injured list, when he is pitching, it's fun to watch.
Shakadia (Setup Man)
Off the mound, he rivals Idiocarasia in his antics, and always initiates a bullpen dance after every team home-run.
On the mound, he's a power pitcher who throws a 96 mph four-seam fastball with a knuckle-curve and a slider to boot. He regularly strikes out opposing hitters and lets them know afterwards.
The Sakura Nippon (Closer)
Picked up via mid-season trade, Nippon focuses on finesse and control, armed with a myriad of breaking pitches and a decent 94 mph fastball.
While new to the team, The Sakura Nippon has been around the sport a long time and offers valuable experience to a young relief corps.