An investigation into a string of under-aged pregnancies in @@CAPITAL@@ has uncovered a new trend where babies are lauded as the latest 'must-have accessory' for teenage girls. Parents across @@NAME@@ are demanding that the government intervene to put a stop to this emerging fad.
1. "Children shouldn't be having children", wails @@RANDOMNAME@@, a self-described concerned mother, who also happens to be President of the @@CAPITAL@@ Chapter of Concerned @@DENONYM@@ Mothers. "Babies! That's all they are - babies! It's all this government's fault for having such a liberal age of consent. It's encouraging our babies to have sex! It's just terrifying. Please, increase the age of consent. You know in your heart that it's the right thing to do."
2. "If anything, those Concerned Mothers are the problem!" exclaims your Labor Minister @@RANDOMNAME@@. "I mean, really, the youngsters of today are proving themselves to be excellent parents and quite capable of living with the consequences. @@NAME@@ desperately needs a new generation of @@DEMONYMNOUNPLURAL@@ to ensure a steady stream of future workers, so we need to encourage young people to have more children. We should actually decrease the age of consent so even more youth can start families, and of course that means the state should support these new parents with childcare and a small tax credit."
. “If anything, those Concerned Mothers are the problem!” exclaims your Defense Minister Stephanie Plath. “I mean, really, the youngsters of today are proving themselves to be excellent parents and quite capable of living with the consequences. We must increase the national birth rate, or else our conscription numbers will be insufficient for future wars. We should actually decrease the age of consent so even more youth can start families, and of course that means the army should support these new parents with military schools and boot camps to bring up the nation’s future soldiers.” [Must have compulsory military service]
*4. "I have a better idea", says @@RANDOMNAME@@, CEO of 'Children 4 U' Inc. "How about we ban all forms of sexual conduct and have all newborns neutered? I know it's radical, but people will calm down once they learn that we can create their perfect child. This is the way of the future - Design Your Own Baby! And if the government gets involved, think of the money you'll make back off it. That's a great deal @@LEADER@@, trust me." [Must have private industry]
*5. “I have a better idea,” says @@RANDOMNAME@@, a bitter and perpetually single minister. “How about we ban all forms of sexual conduct and have all newborns neutered? I know it’s radical, but people will calm down once they learn that we can create their perfect child. This is the way of the future - Design Your Own Citizens! The government can create a compliant population of Communist workers, rather than selfish capitalists and young women who always want to date rich businessmen rather than hard working ministers. Anyway... that’s a great deal @@LEADER@@, trust me.” [Must not have private industry]
. "I think sterilizing the population is a little extreme", your civil service's Chief Medical Officer states candidly. "But we do need to stop these teenage pregnancies, so let's prioritize sex education and free contraceptives. These are teenagers; their hormones are all over the place, and regardless of what we preach about abstinence, they're going to have sex. And for those that get pregnant anyways, free abortion should be available on demand." [Abortion is legal]
Recently, there have been many reported incidents of cheaply repaired pieces of furniture falling apart and causing serious injuries, including bruises, cuts and even one case of fatal friction burn. Bandage-covered victims are demanding action!
1. "Incompetent workers fixed my Hot'n'Heavy Magic Massage Chair the other day and do you know what happened?" yells @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@ charred and covered with third-degree burns. "It thumped me so hard that I got scared, jumped from the chair, tripped on my cat, stumbled into the next room, tripped over a stack of TV Guides, and then fell into my fireplace! Plus the repair guy smelt funny! Clearly, they are responsible and must pay me compensation! Oh, and you should probably regulate the industry more or something, just make sure I get my check by Saturday..."
2. "That woman was lucky, compared to me," notes @@RANDOMMALENAME@@ from his wheelchair. "I lost both my legs and an eye, the result of someone forgetting a leg to my coffee table. A leg! How does anyone even do that? This industry is clearly extremely dangerous, no amount of regulation can solve that. Ban repairs and restoration altogether and people can instead buy newer and safer stuff. Ending is better than mending!"
3. "It ain't our fault if we don't do our job well, is it?" says blame-shifting cash-in-hand handyman @@RANDOMMALENAME@@ as he improvises a fix to your wobbly desk with duct tape and craft glue. "I mean, we get non-stop calls to fix this and that, so we haven't got any time for a quality job. The people who make chairs and the like should have done a better job. If you're going to force standards, then force them on the manufacturers, not us!"
4. "It's best if the government butts out and we 'let the free market run its course', as the cool kids say," observes @@RANDOMNAME@@, CEO of plastic-and-fibreboard furniture manufacturer QuickSell and Beyond. "Our products are a bit like a payday loan - you can get them easily and with no hassle, though you might need a new one next month. Just relax these silly safety standards! Then my factories can make and sell more chairs, more people gain employment, we make oodles of profit, and you get heaps of tax money. Everybody wins!"
A review of the national budget has revealed that the @@DEMONYM@@ Intelligence Agency has, among other things, been pouring millions of @@CURRENCY@@ into the construction of an “interdimensional time-travelling microwave”. Bewildered at the project, many government officials are accusing the department of wasting their funding.
1. “What a load of hogwash!” exclaims your Minister of Defense, @@RANDOMNAME@@, tossing a gelified banana onto your desk. “This is all they have to show for their work! Time travel, multiple dimensions, and super weapons for super soldiers: these are all fine comic book ideas, but utter nonsense for those of us who must live in the real world. It is clear that these ‘intelligence’ agencies have been given far too much freedom to operate. They ought to seek approval from you for all future experimental projects.”
2. “Of course shut these projects down, but shouldn’t we be talking about the question of accountability to the taxpayer?” snidely asks opposition leader @@RANDOMNAME@@, entering your office for @@HER@@ daily argument. “It’s probably your fault the @@DEMONYM@@ Intelligence Agency is wasting public money in the first place. I propose that all significant financial operations of the @@NAMEINITIAL@@IA be overseen by an independent watchdog committee. It will be the fairest way to prevent future excesses!”
3. “Why are we letting an intelligence agency conduct any amount of scientific research?” snarls red-haired Chief Scientist @@RANDOMFIRSTFEMALENAME@@ Kurisu, furiously gesticulating over your desk while perilously clutching an open bottle of hydrochloric acid. “Isn’t that what my team is for? If you ask me, you should just cut out the middle man entirely: stop funding the secret missions your intelligence agencies keep asking for and redirect those monies straight to the @@DEMONYM@@ scientific community. Besides, it’ll teach these ‘secret agents’ a valuable lesson — keep abusing your funding and you’ll eventually lose it to those of us who can decide what matters most.”
4. “Hold on a second,” hisses what you could have sworn was just a regular office plant only a moment ago. “It’s me, Agent @@RANDOMNAME@@. I have good word that East Lebatuck has already perfected mind control shampoo AND conditioner. If we want to match this threat, you have to let us do our thing — which would be easier if you stopped breathing down our necks with spurious ‘national budget reports’. It’s time to truly go toe-to-toe with our rivals, one household appliance at a time.”