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by The One-Winged Clerihew Shark of Erinor. . 240 reads.

Seraph's Delegate Blog - V - And Now the End is Near...


The Delegacy of the South Pacific

Seraph's Delegate Blog

There is a very good chance that, as you're reading this, you already know that I have chosen not to seek a second term as the delegate of the South Pacific at this time. I'm aware that this has surprised a few and disappointed others. I'm also aware that it may well have elated some and, well, for them, I am happy. May they have all the joy of it they can. Life's too short for anything else, right?

My reasons for stepping back at this time are many and complex, but I feel I owe it to those who have supported me to offer up some kind of an explanation. I also hope that, in doing so, I might offer some morsel of encouragement to others in similar situations. I don't know, but I feel I ought to try.

As I alluded in my last delegate blog, things haven't always been going smoothly in my real life situation. In fact, it's fair to say that the last few months have been increasingly awful as my home and work situation has left me with a mild anxiety disorder - which I might always have had, to some degree, but which has really come to a head in the first half of this year - and 'low mood', a kind of forerunner to depression. Whilst I am working on overcoming that, the work and financial situation that has helped bring this on shows no sign of abating just yet. I have many things that I love: my family, my church, the beautiful countryside that I can now walk to in five minutes from my front door - and yes, even the community here in NS. But, in the midst of all that, I have felt hopelessness, despair and terror at uncertainties I cannot control, to the point where things that are not worth worrying about at all could trigger shakiness and a general sense of being unwell that can last for hours or even days.

As I said, I am working to overcome this and have had some success. The last couple of weeks have been better and I'm less likely to spend entire days filled with dread, but that doesn't mean I'm out of the woods just yet and, as I was coming to terms with the things in my life which aren't helping, I realised that, in many ways, NS is one of those things. It encourages me to spend unhealthy amounts of time attached to technology, which is known to increase stress and anxiety; it has become my social circle in a way which is probably not healthy and, whilst there's no immediate alternative in my life right now, doesn't mean I should step back and look around me a bit more. I also have a few relationships which have broken down and one individual in particular whose mere presence in a conversation can make me start to feel shaky and uncomfortable. These are things I can do without right now, even as the community as a whole and some notable individuals (you know who you are) have been a great support to me during the worst of this.

If I had run for another term there would have been election stress, there might have been run-ins with people who stress me out at the best of times, nevermind when they are directly opposed to me in a public arena and, should I have won, there would be another six months of wonderful, wonderful delegate-duty - which means, for me at least, a lot of keeping up with conversations, with the irrepressible RMB and regular endotarting - all of which would keep me chained to devices far more than I really should be right now.

It was a hell of a decision to make. I have been debating it, literally, for months, weighing up pros and cons - the good I believe I can do and that the role can do for me against the destructive potential with regards to my mental health. Eventually, this morning, as the nominations opened, I realised that all this debate was just me avoiding doing the right thing, which is to take a break.

I don't know, exactly, what form that break will take. Most likely, once the delegate transition has been completed successfully, I'll put Erinor on vacation mode and spend a couple of months doing very little here, save checking DMs and pings in Discord, perhaps. I'm not sure how well my willpower will hold out. It's not, notably, very strong. I make no promises to vanish completely and, even if I did, I would always be available for a chat through TG or Discord DM. I don't want to cut people off - just cut back on an addiction that isn't really healthy, especially not right now.

So, I reckon you have another month of the Erinor delegacy to go, at most, so please, enjoy it whilst it lasts. Feel free to ask me questions or to chat to me in TGs and I'll continue to serve the region as I have done these past five months, until it is my time to take a break.

Thank you for supporting me.

Until some other time... maybe.