by Max Barry

Latest Forum Topics

39

DispatchBulletinNews

by The Eternal Misfortune of Pencil Sharpeners 2. . 310 reads.

Balder Responsible for Germany World Cup Exit

Balder Responsible for Germany World Cup Exit

A couple of weeks ago, the South Pacific voted in a regional poll to decide which team we would support at the World Cup. We selected Germany by a clear margin - a seemingly good choice given that they were the current holders, but the meddling Imperialists in Balder had other ideas!

Now, as has been firmly established over the past couple of years, Balder is merely a puppet of the famous Imperialist region The Land of Kings and Emperors. The South Pacific has a history of standing up to the cruel (and frankly tedious) Imperialists who wish to bring the entirety of NationStates crashing down at their feet. Our famous citizen Glen-Rhodes, for example, spent many a year riding the stallion of true independence as he crushed the Imperialists in battle again and again! This has understandably led to animosity between our regions, and after years of humiliation, the Imperialists were ready to take revenge…

The date is the 4th of June, and Germany have just announced their squad. To the surprise of many, talented Manchester City winger Leroy Sané is omitted, despite having scored 10 goals and made 15 assists to help his club dominate the Premier League. This seems like a strange decision, but The Southern Onion has access to logs between Balder Queen Solorni (AKA Rach), and Joachim Löw, the Germany manager. Prepare your eyes for the tidal wave of injustice and corruption with which they are about to be assaulted…

Rach: So, I hear you’re participating in a World Cup?
J-Löw: Yes. Which we will win because we are German and that is what we do.
Rach: There are rumours that my sworn enemies will be supporting you. As such, I cannot allow you to win your sportsball tournament.
J-Löw: What? I do not care. There is nothing you can do to stop our inevitable march towards victory.
Rach: It would be a shame if someone… invaded Germany, wouldn’t it?
J-Löw: You think you can invade Germany? How ridiculous. I would be laughing at you right now, but I’m German so I do not laugh. We are a strong, well-defended country; our only weakness would be to an inactive GCR which is propped up by a permanently bitter and angry UCR.
Rach: Well wouldn’t you know what I have right here…
J-Löw: No! NO! You cannot invade us! Please! I’ll do anything you want, but don’t bring your 3 updaters to fight us, please
Rach: OK. Balder will leave you alone, on one condition: drop Sané from your squad.
J-Löw: Drop Sané!? Do you think I’m insané!? He is one of our best players, we would surely lose without him!
Rach: Well, the offer’s there. You should think carefully about your options…

Here is undeniable evidence that Germany’s World Cup squad, and therefore their performances at the tournament, were maliciously affected by the Imperialist actions of Imperialist Balder (have I mentioned they’re Imperialist?). Hopefully exposing this corruption will lead to widespread condemnation of The Land of Bald Kings (or whatever they are called). The people of NationStates must combat evil Imperialism as one, to prevent heinous acts like this from happening again in the future.

RawReport