The Empire of United Helm is a colossal, safe nation, ruled by Emperor Dusan II with an iron fist, and notable for its barren, inhospitable landscape, compulsory military service, and hatred of cheese. The hard-nosed, hard-working, cynical, devout population of 5.839 billion Helmians are ruled by a mostly-benevolent dictator, who grants the populace the freedom to live their own lives but watches carefully for anyone to slip up.

The enormous government is primarily concerned with Healthcare, although Defense, Law & Order, and Spirituality are also considered important. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Belgrade. The average income tax rate is 62.8%, and even higher for the wealthy.

The United Helmian economy, worth 234 trillion Dinars a year, is highly specialized and mostly made up of the Trout Farming industry, with significant contributions from Uranium Mining, Basket Weaving, and Book Publishing. Black market activity is notable. State-owned companies are reasonably common. Average income is 40,174 Dinars, and distributed extremely evenly, with little difference between the richest and poorest citizens.

A favorite "life hack" for gap year backpackers is to pretend to be homeless for government handouts, the nation's orphanages and maternity wards have been nicknamed 'the Killbot Factories', it's never "just a game" with United Helmian sports fans, and a death threat has replaced 'hello' as an official greeting in the nation. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to a well-funded police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. United Helm's national animal is the Eagle, which can occasionally be seen dodging aircraft in the nation's cities, and its national religion is Orthodox Christianity.

United Helm is ranked 122,853^rd in the world and 7,578^th in Lazarus for Lowest Crime Rates, with 65.51 law-abiding acts per hour.