by Max Barry

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A Brief History of Tomato Juice

Founded by Sir Pinpple Rasputin Tomato I in 1593, Tomato Juice is home to a chaotic group of people. Tomato Juice is a land of chaos and more chaos. The history of this chaotic land is just as chaotic as the two Kardashians and the youngest Jenner producing offspring to this chaotic world.

In 1593, a young chicken escaped its farm and wandered into a small boat. Coincidentally, a storm started raging and blew the boat onto a small piece of land in the middle of the Arctic Ocean. The chicken, who was so scared, jumped off of the boat and landed on the land in the middle of the Arctic Ocean. The chicken then froze to death.

Half a year later, Sir Pinpple Rasputin Tomato I, who was only 7 at that time, put on all of his furry coats and traveled on a boat to find a piece of land because his father kicked him out of the house after finding out that his own precious Pinpple thought of pineapples and tomatoes of something more important than his family. An hour later, a storm caught onto the young Pinpple's boat. After the harsh storm was over, Pinpple landed on the same land in the middle of the Arctic Ocean where the chicken froze to death. Pinpple took one look at the frozen chicken, and decided to make this small land in the middle of the Arctic Ocean his own. He later described that moment as "A moment of chaotic silence when I chaotically decided to chaotically make this chaotically bare land my own chaotic land after chaotically looking at the chaotically frozen chicken."

When it was the last day of 1599, a Saturday, exactly 378 years before the singer Psy was born, a group of 5 Italians, 4 Japanese, 3 Germans, and 2 Greeks arrived on the small land in the middle of the Arctic Ocean where Pinpple was barely surviving. This small group thrived after working together for years, with offspring to populate their land. After 36 years, 58 days, 21 hours, 19 minutes, 2 seconds, and 57 milliseconds, there were exactly 1,000 people in this land. Then, Sir Pinpple Rasputin Tomato I decided to name this land Tomato Juice.

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