by Max Barry

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The United Christian Emirates of
Conservative Democracy

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Vaänischde Christdemogradische Emirade von Saarabien

Vaänischde Christdemogradische Emirade von Saarabien


Émirats Chrétiens-Démocrates de la Sarrabie Unis


Vereinigte Christdemokratische Emirate von Saarabien


United Christian Democratic Emirates of Saarabia


National flag


Motto:
"Hauptsach Gudd Gess" (As Long As We've Eaten Well)
"In Lyonerate Concordia" (United In Lyonerity)


Population: 996,651 (December 31st, 2016)


Official Language: Saarabian
Spoken Languages: German, French


Demonym: Saarab(s), Saarabian


Capital and Largest City: Saarbrigge (Saarbrücken)


Area: 2,570 km² (360,000 soccer fields)


Government: Federal Emirate
• Head of State: Sheikh Carl Ferdinand IV.
• Head of Government: Great Emir Annegret
Kramp- "Auto- und" Karrenbauer


Anthem: Steigerlied
(English: "Miner's Song")

Link


National Dish: Lyoner and Karlsberg Urpils


Currency: 1 Saarfranken = 20 Schekel = 240 Lire


Time Zone: UTC+/-1 (always late)


Drives: on the right


Licence Tag: SL (formerly SA)


Calling code: +900 5


Internet TLD: .sl

Saarabien


Saarabien, also called Saarland, officially Vaänischde Christdemogradische Emirade von Saarabien (United Christian Democratic Emirates of Saarabia), is a nation in south-west Deutschland. It is a magical nation somewhere close to France and Luxembourg, comparable to the latter one in size and relevancy (except for the fact that Luxembourg is a better place for Saarabian money than Saarabien itself). The capital of the United Christian Democratic Emirates of Saarabia is Saarbrigge (Saarbrücken) on the Saar (be careful not to confuse it with Saarbrücken on the Main and Saarbrücken on the Alsterwasser).

1 Geography


With a size of 2570 km² Saarabien is approximately one time as large as Saarabien – an area equal to almost 360.000 soccer fields.
Saarabien's environment is one of the most beautiful in the world. One could even say that Saarabien is the most beautiful emirate in the world - maybe even of the whole universe. The main reason for this is that the beautiful Palatinate is in viewing distance. There are some areas where one will not see a soul for hours (except for occasional teenagers getting wasted in their holidays or Palatinians who got lost), which makes the nature easy to enjoy. In Saarabien there are mountains, valleys, rivers, meadows, fresh air, lakes and deserts. Furthermore, there is a virgin forest which is suitable for walks with mothers-in-law, hoping that they'll get lost.

2 History


Saarabien was founded as a sovereign nation by Roman manufacturers of Dibbelabbes and Lyoner approximately in the year 0 AD as testing grounds for fine cuisine. Furthermore, the area was used for farming Maggi and Lyoner production. The native Saarabs, a genetic mixture of Germans (non-Palatinians), French (politely called "Wackes" and people from Luxembourg (lat. homo luxemburgensis, "the filthy rich human"), were around 50 centimetres taller as the Romans (perceived approximation), so they managed to drive them away quickly.
In 999 AD Saarbrigge was founded as the capital of the Empire of Saarabien which by the time had conquered most of the world. Because of fiscal reasons Saarabien decided to reduce its size from approximately 40 million square kilometres (spanning from today's Gibraltar, formerly Neu-St.Wendel, to today's Novosibirsk, formerly Naufangbier, later Bruch-Hausen) to its modern form in 1600. Shortly after some cool palaces, churches and industrial buildings are said to have been built. Under temporal control from the Palatinate and the Netherlands, some Sarabs decided to destroy their world cultural heritage during the 20th century.
Graciously Saarabien decided to release the sates of Deutschland and France which logically began fighting over who was affiliated more with Saarabien, which couldn't have cared less about the conflict. However, in 1919 they crossed the line and Saarabien declared independence (Déclaration vun da Unabhängischkäät). In the Saarabian war of independence the first Sheikh of Saarabien, Carl-Ferdinand I., fought the French alongside an army of three men, consisting of Peter Müller's grandmother, a drunken bratwurst salesman and a wirehaired dachshund. After two years of war France, barely managed to win by setting the dachshund on the bratwurst salesman which made him desert.
During the subsequent French occupation Saarabien seemed to adapt to the culture of France. The USA however demanded a referendum and because the government of France didn't want to anger them, Saarabien returned to Deutschland only to regain partial independence in 1945 after the victory over Napoleon and Godzilla by the gates of Sankt Ingbert. After a short period of confusion and indecisiveness and the second Saarabian referendum Saarabien, became a sovereign state once more. This totally confusing back and forth was a genius gag which no non-Saarab managed to understand so far. The new Saarabien classified itself as Vaänischde Christdemogradische Emirade von Saarabien (VCE Saarabien) during the constitutional national assembly in 1957 (sponsored by Bruch Beer).
The VCE joined NATO on January 1st, 1960 and the Club for the Preservation of Small but Culturally Superior Nations e.V. on July 1st, 1980, as well as - after long hesitation - the European Union on January 1st, 1995. The adaptation of the Euro as a national currency was rejected by the Saarabs with 99.3% of all valid votes on April 1st, 1999. This turned Saarabien into one of the few winners of the EU debt crisis of 2009/10 and strengthened the Saarfranken considerably.
In 2006 the VCE not only won the soccer world championship for the 12th time, they also discovered structural change, developed it further and turned it into an export hit. In the one and only moon colony of the European Union scientists from Saarabien are investigating whether intelligent life exists. Brääd Pidd ("brääd" (Saarabian) = high) announced to turn this into a vital question and to organise a referendum on it.
A company from Saarlouis which is famous around the globe was nominated for the Nobel prize in 2008 by the Saarabian government. The justification was "Die hann es Rad erfunn!" ("They have invented the wheel!") However, it quickly became obvious that it was only an Asian rip-off.
The capital, Saarbrigge, is to this day the most populous, prettiest, largest and culturally most valuable traffic block of Germany, second place only to Bielefeld. The provincial administration of Saarbrigge wants to apply for EU funds to scientifically check the assumption made by traffic experts that "if you want traffic to run smoothly, pedestrians need to go underground".

3 Creation Myth


No one has seen God over the past six days. On the seventh day, Saint Peter finds God and asks: "Where have you been over the past week?" God points downwards through the clouds and proudly says: "Look what I have made!" Peter looks down and asks: "What is this?" God answers: "It's a planet and I have put life on it. I will call it Earth and it will be a place of incredible balance." "Balance?" asks Peter. God explains whilst pointing at different parts of Earth: "For example:

  • North America will be extremely wealthy, South America extremely poor.

  • Over there is a continent full of white people, this one is full of black ones.

  • Some nations will be hot and dry, others will be covered by massive ice."

Peter is impressed by God's work. He takes a closer look at the Earth and asks: "And what is that?" "This", God proudly explains, "is Saarabien! The most beautiful place on Earth. It will be full of nice people, dreamy lakes and forests, idyllic landscapes and comfy beer gardens and it will be a centre of soccer. Not only will the people in Saarabien be prettier than the other humans, but also more intelligent, humorous and skilled. They will be social, industrious and capable." Peter is extremely impressed but asks God: "But what about the balance? You have said that there will be balance everywhere!" "Don't worry," God says, "...the Palatinate is just next door."

4 Population


Saarabien's population is made up of descendants of the original Saarabs (70%), which prevented the expansion of non-Saarabs with all means possible in the past (Saarabian: "sellemóóls''). 29% of the population are immigrants from the Palatinate (roughly 200,000 people, one-fourth of the Palatinate's population), and 1% are French. On weekends the percentage of Saarabs drops whilst the share of French rises. Reasons for that are Saarabs who drive to Luxembourg to refuel their cars. In the meantime, a lot of French visit the capital Saarbrigge because they think that France is too dirty and that the Palatinate is too crazy. Furthermore, Saarabien attracts many French tourists because of the ban of prostitution in France, which led to a flood of brothels in Saarabien.

Important Saarabs

  • Carl Ferdinand von Stumm-Knallzwerg, inofficial Sheikh of Saarabien, father of Sheikh Carl Ferdinand I.

  • Peter Müller from Eppelborn - "the Rolling R" a.k.a. "Black Pete", minister-president 1999-2011

  • Peter Hartz from St. Ingbert - inventor of Hartz IV

  • Oskar Lafontaine - leader of the Leftist party from... where's he from again?? Ah, right, Dillingen

  • Erich Honecker from Neunkirchen/Wiebelskirchen - Ex-president of the Täterä (DDR - Deutsche Demokratische Republik, GDR - German Democratic Republic)

  • Peter Altmaier from Ensdorf - CDU politician, able seaman serving lieutenant commander Merkel on the Federal Reserves Bank responsible for environment-, natural protection and reactor safety (Mai 2012), Chief of Staff of the Federal Chancellery (March 2017), minister of the economy

  • Jupp Derwall from Dudweiler - former trainer of the national soccer team

  • Bernd Schneider from St. Ingbert - successful touring car driver

  • Frank Farian from Schüren - successful musician and producer (Boney M., ...)

  • Heinz Becker from Bexbach - officially registered Saarabian bourgeois and idiot

  • Armin Hary from Quierschied - twofold Olympia victor and twofold European champion

  • Joachim Deckarm from Saarbrigge - handball world champion

  • Herman Rarebell from Hüttersdorf - drummer (Scorpions)

  • Pedro Schemm from Saarbrigge - singer and songwriter (Victory)

  • Franz Eder from Bexbach (Bedschbach), anabolic abuser and porn star

  • Boris Henry from Völklingen - successful javelin thrower

  • Nicole from Neunkirchen Nahe - Schlager hag and victor of the Schlager Grand Prix

  • Bianca Hein from Bliesmengen-Bolchen - actress (Verliebt in Berlin)

  • Rudi Assauer from Sulzbach/Altenwald - former manager of Schalke 05

  • Hermann Neuberger from Völklingen/Fenne, seventh president of the German Soccer Association from 1975 to 1992

  • Sandra from Saarbrigge- singer, born May 18th, 1962 as Sandra Ann Lauer

5 Politics


Political System

The United Christian Democratic Emirates of Saarabien are the only Christian federal emirate in the world. The state is divided into six provincial emirates: Merzig-Wadern, Neunkirchen, Saarbrigge, Saarlouis, Saarpfalz-emirate and Sankt Wendel. All of them are named after their provincial capital, except for the Saarpfalz-emirate whose capital is Homburg. Every provincial emirate has its own pastoral council (also known as provincial assembly) and its own government which is being led by the Emir who is elected every five years.
The bicameral parliament of Saarabien consists of the Council of the Six Emirs, which controls the Saarabian Federal Council similar to the German Federal Council. The Federal Council of the VCE is elected by the people every three-and-a-half years. All Saarabs who are over five years old and able to use a Schwenker are eligible to vote. Voters who cannot read and write yet can be supported by their parents during the election. The VCE are ruled by the federal government which is appointed by the Great Emir. The Great Emir is elected by the federal council after the federal elections and leads the government, appoints all ministers and deals with irrelevant daily politics.
The head of state is the Sheik of Saarabien. As a born-and-bred monarch, he is not elected by anyone but inherits the office after the death of his predecessor following the Saarabian hereditary laws and holds de facto dictatorial authority. He is able to negate the law-giving powers of the federal council and the Council of the Six Emirs via emergency decrees for an unlimited amount of time and to introduce emergency laws. All Sheiks except for Carl Ferdinand I. of Saarabien have abstained from this privilege. Furthermore, the Sheik assigns the Great Emir after his election by the federal council.
The frequent reelections for the Saarabian federal council are an event which makes many headlines even outside of Saarbrigge. However, the number of visitors to this event has been declining over the past few years. The most common explanation is: "Do träte jo doch immer nur die gleiche Pappnase in de gleiche Rolle uff." ("It's only the same fools in the same positions time and time again.") This is a reason why many Saarabs would prefer it if the Sheik chose the Great Emir by himself.
The Saarabian federal council is known to be a failed attempt of reintroducing socially handicapped individuals into working life. Exceptions confirm the rule: Brääd Pidd, Seiko Saturn, Chriss Weichspüler and Berthie Ullieh have passed the trial period.
In case of political scandals it has been proven to be effective to say that one is "bleed" (Engl. stupid) instead of crazy and provide a written acknowledgement of one's stupidity.

Important Saarabian Politicians

  • Carl Ferdinand IV., Sheikh of Saarabien, a descendant of the Stumm-Knallzwerg dynasty, leads an isolated life on Castle Knallzwerg. In the residence built by his great great grandfather Carl Ferdinand von Stumm-Knallzwerg, the current Sheik keeps himself occupied with genetics; for example, he is working on breeding self-preparing sandwiches and Lyoner trees.

  • Peter Müller, the former Great Emir, used the alias "Heinz Mustermann" in his youth as an active and well-known member of the underground butcher scene. Since his first election to the office of the Great Emir in 2000, he has made himself unpopular because of large-scale preschool reforms and the introduction of college fees. Nevertheless, he is a welcomed guest at beer barrel openings and large-scale binge drinkings of all kinds.

  • Annegret Kramp-Karrenbauer, former cleaning lady of the Saarabian federal council and minister-president since 2011. Whilst others have slept their way up, she cleaned her way up to the top. Peter Müller noticed her because of her heartly cleaning and chose her as his successor. "Die butzt mei Drrrrreck weg" ("She gleans ub my mmmmmesss") he said in the depths of the night before disappearing to the Reich. Müller was wrong, the mess was not cleaned up and it grew because AKK (how she is called by insiders) prefers to regularly meet with the Pope to wash his feet. She covers her face whilst doing this to not be recognised.

Government

People in charge are rarely seen in the federal council since everyone chills out in the council just like everywhere else in Saarabien. Unfortunately, there's nothing more to say about the Saarabian government.

Daily Politics

Currently, politicians in Saarabien are debating whether or not to annex Rhineland-Palatinate. St.Ingbert would be the main administrative centre. Most Saarabs don't support this idea and defend themselves with paroles like "Denk isch an die Palz, krin isch so e Hals" ("Whenever I think about the Palatinate my neck swells"). Others argue that annexing Rhineland-Palatinate would harm the friendly relations with Deutschland.

Political Parties

Political parties of Saarabien include:

  • SP (Saarabische Partei; Saarabian Party)

  • FN (Front National) [French: Nazi Scum]

  • SGFDA (Saarabische Gemeinschaft Für Drogenanbau; Saarabian Alliance for Drug Cultivation, in government)

  • SGFZADTW (Saarabische Gemeinschaft Zur Ausrottung Der Tierwelt; Saarabian Alliance for Exterminating Animals, natives)

  • SPZVDTWMRM (Saarabische Partei Zur Verseuchung Der Tierwelt Mit Radioaktivem Material; Saarabian Alliance for Scaring Away Animals Using Radioactive Material, natives)

  • MM (MüllerMilch, in government)

  • SAUGUDD (Saarabische Arbeitslosen Und Geheime Untergrund Denunzianten Delegation; Saarabian Delegation of the Unemployed and Underground Informers, prohibited since 1995)

  • SAAR (Saarabische Anarchistische Autonome Realisten; Saarabian Anarchist Autonomous Realists)

  • SGFHZUB (Saarabische Gemeinschaft Für Häuser Zerstörung Und Bergbau; Saarabian Community for the Destruction of Houses and Mining, recently disbanded)

  • BBT (Bruch Bier Treue; Bruch Beer Faithfulness, unbribable drinker's party)

  • BBRP (Becker Bier Revival Partei; Becker Beer Revival Party, drinker's party from St. Ingbert)

  • SUB (Saarabische Unabhängigkeitsbewegung; Saarabian Independence Movement, liberal radical indipendence supporters)

  • RAUS (Revolutionäre Aktion Unabhängiges Saarabien; Revolutionary Action Independent Saarabien, so secret that even the members don't know one another)

  • HPD (Helga Partei Deutschland; Helga Party Germany, party of metalheads and goths for more mead and metal, president Helga)

  • HELMA (only represented in Thailen)

The Saarlordis are part of a small underground movement whose political opinions are no longer tolerated nor accepted.

6 Economy


Education

Saarabien was the first state to introduce the two-year grammar school. Furthermore, college feels have recently been introduced as a last resort to fill empty classrooms.

Infrastructure

The main traffic artery of Saarabien is the WC 620, the busiest waterway in the world. Furthermore, the Saarbahn can be found in Saarbrigge which Saarabs use to go inkaafe (shopping) riwwer no Frangreich (over in France). Unfortunately, as a result of the US-Saarabian trade policy, a ticket for the Saarbahn is more expensive than a train ride from Munich to Berlin. It is a custom to always arrive or depart ten minutes late. Therefore, for example, bus drivers eat a Lyoner (or alternatively a little child) before departing. Saarabia is the only nation in the world where u-turns on the highway are legal as a small-scale experiment. In the very second one sees the sign saying "Welcome to Rhineland-Palatinate" turning around immediately is allowed. The government of Tajikistan claimed to be the first nation to allow u-turns on highways in 2009, however, the Saarabian government rejected this claim because according to an investigation protocol Tajikistan does not have highways, only dirt trails (on which u-turns are impossible since they are too narrow either way).

7 Culture


Language

The Saarabian language is so extremely complex that a Linkseperate page is necessary to translate only very few words into German. Even though Saarabien is fairly small there are so many dialects that even typical natives can somehow hardly understand their neighbours. The number of dialects grows proportionally with the number of ingested beers and schnapps.

Architecture

Saarabian homes are exceptionally extraordinal. The appearance of those self-made huts is always determined by the currently available materials in the big, Saarabian companies UsHütt, Ford and ATU, who distribute them as a replacement for 99 years of wage payments. This type of architecture is also called "Borg Style" ("Ich kenn enna, der kennt enna, der kinnt dir das mache", "I know somebody who knows somebody who can do this for you"). This has little to do with the Roman Villa Borg which has been constructed in Saarabien instead of the Golf of Capri because of a wrongly addressed construction order.
The native Saarab experiences exceptional bliss and awe when entering a hardware store. Hardware store shopping is a national sport which regularly leads to ecstatic conditions and heart attacks. In most cases the piles of building materials and tools which block the aisles in a highly professional and neatly arranged way lead to the following reactions: "Ach - kann ma das dò aach kaafe?" ("Oh, can you buy this as well?") or "Ich hann ned gemennd, dass das so deier iss!!" ("I didn't think that that could be so expensive!!").

Religion

Aside from the Pope, the only deity the typical Saarab reveres is the great, omniscient Maggi. It is used in all important meals and has the absolute power to decide between good and bad. To do so, the Saarab uses the High Priest "Egg". Good eggs are brown inside and blessed by Maggi, whilst bad eggs are yellow inside and therefore virgin, naive and stupid.
The holiest event for the religious Saarab is the village fest. Every morning the faithful Saarab lights his "Maggi-isst-er" and sings the Linknational anthem.


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LinkMildly edited translation of this glorious masterpiece.


Puppet nations of the Sunset Sea Islands:

Feel free to check their factbooks out, I've put just as much effort into them. If you have any comments or feedback, I'd be happy to hear it via telegram!

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